


Nail Polish and Sandalwood

by malefiswent



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Abusive Parents, Actors, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Crush, Biphobia, Blind Alec, Blind Character, Bullying, Closeted Alec Lightwood, Coming Out, Depression, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Drug Addiction, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, HEA, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Insecure Magnus Bane, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Magnus Bane & Dorothea "Dot" Rollins Friendship, Magnus Bane & Simon Lewis Friendship, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane Is A Freewheeling Bisexual, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Mutual Pining, Protective Alec Lightwood, Racism, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Songfic, Supportive Magnus Bane, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Theatre, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2019-07-20 12:20:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 118,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16137128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malefiswent/pseuds/malefiswent
Summary: Magnus Bane doesn't have a lot of friends, and he's not what people at Idris High would consider 'cool'. Recovering from a heartbreak and struggling with his anti-lgbt grandfather, he's trying to really focus on his acting hobby so he doesn't end up going back into the dark hole he had been on a few months earlier.Alec Lightwood, in the same year as Magnus, looks like a supermodel and comes from a very influent family of lawyers, which makes him a part of the popular gang in school. He lost his sight when he was 6, so he can't fully wrap his head around the fact that such a big part of his life in school is shaped by the way he looks; and it actually really annoys him sometimes. Alec's life is driven by rules and tradition, and he's okay with it, for the most part; however, he wants some independence, and while searching for it, he stumbles across Magnus, who's just as repulsed by other people's standards and expectations as him. They find themselves inevitably gravitating towards each other, but seeing is deceiving, and sometimes you need to look within to embrace what's right in front of you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 'A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes'

**Monday, 9 AM**

Magnus grabbed his biology book before closing his locker as carefully and slowly as possible; one rough move and the metal door could detach itself. "Those dumb jocks probably thought it would be very funny to try to break my locker just to mess with me", he thought to himself.  
 

   He didn't care. Not at that particular moment, anyway.  
 

   "'Sup, Bane!" someone said amidst all the loud chatting around him.                         

   Magnus turned to his left. For a split second, his body was filled with anger, thinking that he would turn around to find one of the dumbasses from the Jockstrap Army - as he liked to call it - trying to tease him, but he was relieved to see it was just Simon Lewis, standing in front of him with his larger than life, impossibly white smile. 

  "Lewis!" he greeted the other boy, raising his well designed eyebrows and giving him a friendly grin. "Haven't seen you today, thought you were still sick".  
   

  "Oh no, that was just a hangover, no big deal. I had never played in Pandemonium before, and turns out it can be _really_ crazy", he said, while chuckling softly.  
 

  "Tell me about it" Magnus replied, while putting his book under his arm and stepping forward. "Walking to Biology class?"  
   

   "Yeah, actually. Mind if I join you?"  
 

   "Not at all, gentleman" he said, jokingly offering Simon his arm, which he took with a laugh. They had been friends for only a few months, when they were partners for a chemistry project, but Magnus was already fond of the boy; it wasn't that common to stumble across a straight boy who respected him in that school, and Simon not only respected him, but also saw an actual person in him - not to mention he was probably the only one at Idris High who had seen all of Magnus' favorite films.  
   

   "Hey, China Town Fag! And his loser boyfriend" a hauntingly familiar voice teased while walking by them.  
 

   Magnus closed his eyes and grinned before shouting back:                                             

   "How's your family, Verlac? Did you manage to impregnate your cracker sister already?"  But the skinny blonde boy had already walked away from them. Both he and Simon stood still for a while, taking deep breaths and trying not to care and not to get angry, like they promised each other they would. It wasn't easy sometimes, though; having his grandfather constantly tell him, direct or indirectly, that he was something dirty and unspeakable, and then go to school only to have people getting off on annoying him. Magnus was proud of who he was, but it felt like a burden - one that he had been carrying ever since he could remember.

   When his stomach started making noises, Magnus pretended that nothing had happened and casually said:

  "I'm really hoping today's lunch is more digestible than last week's shit show."

  "Well, anything is better than Isabelle's homemade cookies" Simon pointed out, which Magnus replied to with an eye roll. 

   "I can't believe you're actually hanging out with those kids now. You're basically betraying us weirdos, Simon, I hope you know that."  
 

   Simon laughed while they continued walking towards the classroom. 

   "C'mon Magnus, they're not that bad. Some of them are actually really nice people. You know, maybe it would be good for you to explore new horizons, meet some different people now..."

  "Uh, uh! Don't go there!" Magnus interrupted him, defensively.  
 

   "What? I'm just saying, Raphael is for sure making new friends and going places while you're still thinking of him..."

   "I have all the friends I need" the cat-eyed boy said. "Just because you're willing to be amongst snakes to get laid, doesn't mean we all are"  
 

  "Hey! I'm not-" Simon stopped talking in the middle of his sentence, just taking a deep sigh instead. 

   Although that conversation could come across as confrontational, both of them knew it was no big deal; it was just Magnus being his super critical self and Simon half-jokingly trying to soften him. It was hard for Magnus to sympathize with the 'cool kids' - the Lightwoods and their associates. Maybe it was a matter of being loyal to his weird kid's principles, maybe it was a justified fear of the popular ones - even though the Lightwoods and their queens and kings of prom weren't exactly the ones responsible for putting him through hell in school -, or maybe even a little bit of envy, but Simon knew very well that no amount of heartache would be enough to get him to sneak his way into that prestigious central table on the cafeteria. He could actually vomit at the thought. 

   Magnus wouldn't tell Simon, but it really pissed him off when the boy brought up what had happened between him and Raphael so casually; that was still a very touchy subject for Magnus. Raphael and him had been friends since they were 7, and when Magnus started to look at him as more than just a friend, it brought him nothing but pain. I mean, it's not like he didn't know that developing feelings for his friend who wasn't attracted to anyone whatsoever was a bad idea. Raphael came out as asexual and aromantic when they were in freshmen year, and Magnus definitely wasn't one to disrespect other people's identities - as a flamboyant bisexual, he knew better than to do that - but since they were such close friends, he couldn't bring himself to keep that secret from the other boy. He just had to open up and share everything with Raphael, because that's who he was, never able to keep things to himself. Obviously, they both had agreed to get over that complicated situation respectfully and with consideration to one another, but things still ended up getting awkward anyway, and now they were growing further and further apart each day. It hurt Magnus deeply, but he wouldn't be the one to try and force himself - if Raphael was feeling uncomfortable to know that his best friend wanted him in a way that he could never reciprocate and needed his time and space to sort things out, Magnus would respect that. 

   It didn't make it any less hurtful, though. 

  

*******

**12 AM**  


   "Kill Underhill, fuck Jace, marry Alec" Dot said, grinning devilishly at Magnus. "Your turn, Magnus".

   He finished his yogurt before giving his friend at the other side of the table a dead cold stare and saying: 

   "Kill everyone".  
   

   Dot rolled her eyes and sighed.  
 

   "Fuck off, Magnus. Don't look at me like that with those big ass eyelashes! That's not how the game works, and you know it! Don't tell me you wouldn't at least _smooch_ Alec". 

   Magnus turned around and looked over at the central table, a few steps away from them. The tall and pale Alec Lightwood, with his sunglasses and leather jacket on, laughed while talking to his friend, the very blonde, very athletic Jace Herondale. Besides him, the second-year Isabelle Lightwood smiled at her phone while chewing bubblegum, and a very eager Lydia Davis sat on Alec's lap and stared at him as if he was baby Jesus on Christmas night. If Alec could see her, he would probably cringe, Magnus thought. 

   "Oh, of course" the boy said to Dot in a sarcastic manner "Who in the world wouldn't wanna smooch Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome? Any girl would be eager to grab him! Mr. Lightwood, so beautiful and incredible, with his equally beautiful and incredible friends and family!"

   "Gosh, you're so annoying" Dot touched his hand, as if to insist that he engaged in her little play. " _Please_ , just play the game! Simon will, won't you Simon?" 

   Sat right beside Magnus, Simon looked away from the slice of pizza he was eating, frowned and said: 

   "I think you guys already know that I would marry Clary. And uh... I guess fuck Isabelle, maybe? God, I don't feel like it's okay for me to say that! And I don't wanna kill anybody! I don't like this game either, Dot." 

   Both Magnus and Dot laughed, and Simon smiled. 

   "Well, it's a shame you're immune to Alec Lightwood's spell, Mr. Bane. I think you were born to marry into royalty". 

   Magnus jokingly gave her the middle finger and said:  
 

   "I was born to be _my own_ kind of royalty, my dear. But you know I'm not in the mood for having crushes right now anyway."

   Suddenly, Dot's smile was replaced by a frown of concern.

   "You're still upset over Raphael, aren't you?" She took a deep sigh. "Don't worry, it will all be okay eventually. I'm sure it was kind of a shocker for him, he just needs some time."

   They turned their heads and looked over at the table at the right corner of the cafeteria, next to the door, where Raphael was sitting with Magnus' ex-girlfriend, Camille. 

   "I'm just so stupid" he said, while timidly spinning his rings around his fingers "If the guy can't feel attracted to you, don't fucking develop feelings for him. That's, like, the number one thing that every gay and bi boy knows."

   "Well, sometimes the heart wants what it wants. I've told about that time in middle school when I had a crush on a gay boy, haven't I?"

  "Yes, Dot, you have".  
 

   "Not to be a dick" Simon interrupted "but would you guys mind if I left to sit at the Lightwoods' table? I love hanging out with both of you, but you know Clary misses me, and if I don't make myself present, Jace will be eating her face out when we least expect it-"

   "You're already being a dick" Magnus cut him "Just kidding, Lewis. Go fight for your ginger queen's heart." 

   "We'll be fine." Dot agreed, with a friendly smile. "Tell her I said hi!"

   Simon picked up his tray with the rest of his food and stood up.

   "You guys are awesome" he said, before turning around and moving towards the royal table.

  "Isn't it kinda funny?" Dot said while her and Magnus stared at a socially awkward Simon greeting the cool kids and sitting besides Clary. "Watching Simon in all his nerdy outsider awkwardness try to fit into the popular environment. It's like watching Mowgli adjusting to the wolves lifestyle."

   " _Ugh_ " Magnus moaned in deep discontentment. "It actually really annoys me". 

   "They don't seem too bad, Magnus. I mean, I'm sure Alec and Isabelle are sweethearts". 

   "I don't know. Someone who's so constantly praised as the epitome of human beauty by every girl in this school has to be at least a _little_ entitled. Don't you think it's ridiculous? How he has this crowd of followers around him just because of the way he looks? All those people worshipping the ground he walks on just because he's conventionally attractive?"

  "Well, he's also a part of a fancy lawyers' family. And maybe he's a nice person too" Dot pondered. "But I guess you do have a point. Do you think he's fully aware of it, though? I mean, it's not like he can look at himself in the mirror..." 

  But Magnus wasn't paying attention anymore. He was, once again, gazing into that further table, watching Raphael and Camille laugh to one another. For a brief moment, Raphael gazed back at him, their eyes meeting with a cold and painful stare. Magnus bit his lips nervously, and the other boy clicked his square jaw before looking away and going back to his conversation with the tall brunette girl. 

   Dot caressed Magnus' right hand. 

   "I'm so sorry, babe. I know it must be hard."

   Magnus raised his eyebrows and looked at her, trying to smile and act as if it wasn't a big deal.

   "It's okay" he said. "I'll be fine. This glittery heart has been broken before."

   "And are you sure that's the only thing weighing your heart down right now? Nothing else going on? Is everything okay at home?"

   "Oh, yeah." He answered, picking up the last toast on his plate and taking a small bite. "Grandpa has been living his own life lately. Not so interested in my _perverted ways of life_ anymore. The only ones who still seem to care about it are our schoolmates". 

   Dot gave him a timid, almost pitiful half-smile. Magnus hated that. 

   "Well, at least it's senior year. Soon we'll be in college and you won't have to deal with the assholes at Idris High anymore, or your grandfather. You know people in college are way better, and you'll definitely find your crew. Us weirdos won't be such a minority anymore". 

   She chuckled softly. Magnus didn't want to worry her, he didn't want her to pity him, he didn't want to feel like a burden of melancholy. Still, he said: 

   "Well, that's if I can convince that old fart to afford my higher education. Or if I can get a job this year." He shook his head. "But whatever. Let's quit the pity party. So tell me how's it going on your new job?"

   Magnus watched as Dot sighed and started talking. "I can't go back into that dark hole. I need to find something." He looked at his friend once again, with deep affection and also a little bit of dismay. "And I can't take her into that dark hole with me".

*******

 

 **4 PM**  


   "The king doth wake tonight and takes his rouse, keeps wassail and the swaggering upspring reels" Magnus declaimed, staring at nothing and frowning as Simon watched him. "and, as he drains his draughts of rhenish down, the kettle-drum and trumpet thus bray out the triumph of his pledge."

   He turned to Simon and smirked as he finished his line, getting out of character.

   "See? I told you, buddy! I was _born_ to play Hamlet!"

   "Wow! I'm-I'm truly impressed!" Simon raised his eyebrows and smiled. "I did not see it for you at first, but yeah, that's Hamlet himself right in front of me! They'd be really stupid not to give you the part". 

   Magnus smiled, satisfied, as they continued walking through the sidewalk amongst the other students and their loud chatting. 

   "I really hope I get it. I need some distraction from life, you know? And Hamlet is my goal, but I guess playing Claudius wouldn't be so bad--"

  "Get in, loser, we're going shopping!" 

    Magnus looked to his side, confused. A convertible car had just parked in front of them, and in the front seat on the passenger side, Clary Fairchild smiled at the boys - well, at Simon. Next to her was Jace Herondale, staring at them with sunglasses up to his forehead and his hands on the driving wheel. In the backseat, Alec Lightwood seemed to be trying to identify who Clary was talking to, his brows uniting while he casually bit an apple, and to his right, Isabelle waved friendly. 

   "Did you just quote _Mean Girls_?" Magnus asked.

   "Uh, hey guys" Simon smiled awkwardly at them. When Magnus pressed his forearm, he said: "Uh, I actually already have plans, I've told Magnus we were going to hang out after school". 

   "Oh, no problem" Clary said. "He can come with us, too". 

   Magnus frowned in confusion as Simon looked at him. 

   "Really?" The boy with glasses asked, apparently just as surprised as Magnus. What the hell?

   "Yeah, sure. Get on board, both of you" Jace agreed, waving his hand. Magnus started sweating nervously. 

   "Uh, I... It's okay, I'll be fine. You guys can go--" Magnus declined politely, tapping Simon's shoulder, but Isabelle quickly cut him off: 

   "Oh, c'mon, Magnus! Come with us! Clary and I were just talking about you today, and how we think it would be awesome to go shopping for clothes with you because you always look _so good_ ". 

   Magnus was in utter shock. The cool kids wanted him to hang out with them? Fucking Isabelle Lightwood thought he looked great? This was an odd situation, to say the least. He was kinda uncomfortable; he'd never been a huge fan of the popular gang. But then again, he didn't really have any solid reason to dislike them, did he? He wanted to hang out with Simon anyway, and he had to admit to himself that being complimented by those girls did something to his ego -- maybe it was stupid, but just the fact that they thought he was stylish enough to go shopping for clothes with them was enough to buy Magnus into saying: 

   "Okay. Yeah, sure". 

   Simon raised his eyebrows at him, and Magnus shrugged his shoulders and gave him a "why not?" face.

   "Great!" Isabelle said as she leaned over to open the door on Alec's side. The tall boy moved closer to his sister so they could step in; Magnus first and then Simon. Around then, other students were stopping their chatting to take a curious look at Mr. Misfit himself entering the cool kids' car. Oh God, he really was doing that, wasn't he? He could feel his pride and his principles melting like a fucking ice cream.

   Magnus couldn't help but feel a little nervous and awkward when sitting next to Alec, feeling a little bit too tight between him and Simon. The boy looked at the front seat dreamingly, and Magnus knew that he wished Clary was sitting next to him and not Jace. 

   Jace started the car again, and it was Alec who broke the silence: 

   "Who smells like nail polish?" he asked, seeming genuinely curious. 

   "Clary and I painted our nails last week, I don't think it would still be smelling." She said, and then looked at Magnus. He looked at his own nails and then back to Alec, seeing himself reflected on the boy's square sunglasses. 

   "I painted my nails just this morning while rushing to school. Sorry." 

   "They still look sickening, though" said Clary, turning her head to look at Magnus' glittered dark red nails. He grinned timidly. 

   "Oh no, it's okay, I'm not complaining" Alec replied, smiling friendly as they quickly passed though trees towards the mall. "It doesn't smell bad. I'm sorry, you're probably not used to this, but it's just that pinpointing smells is one of the ways in which I identify people. I can link every smell inside this car to each person, but the nail polish was a new one, that's why I asked. I'm sorry, I probably sound like a total weirdo right now". 

   "Well, in my experience, being a weirdo is a good thing." Magnus said, in a friendly tone. "But don't worry, I get it. When my grandma lost her hearing during her last years of life, she could taste every single minimal alteration of spice in her food." _Fuck_ , he hoped he wasn't saying the wrong thing. He didn't want to sound insensitive to Alec's limitation. Being respectful to every form of diversity was a big deal to him. But Alec chuckled, so he guessed it was alright. 

   "Nice to meet you, Magnus" he said, giving Magnus his hand. The cat-eyed boy shook it a little nervously, feeling Alec's long fingers press against his. 

   "Nice to meet you too, Alec" he said, and he couldn't help but notice that Alec's smile seemed genuinely so friendly and kind. Magnus' thoughts immediately jumped to the conversation he'd had with Dot earlier that day at the cafeteria, and he suddenly felt his face turning red. 

   "Speaking of nails" Isabelle said, her hair moving to the wind "Your nails always look impeccable, Magnus, and so does your makeup. This may sound a little weird, but... Fuck, I just always wanted to do my face with you. Like, seriously. You need to share some tips with me. Your eyeliner and that shadow, are you kidding me? Simon's coming to our place tomorrow after school, and if you want to, you're more than welcome to join him. We can do our faces together. _Please_ , I would love it _so much_!" 

   Magnus raised his eyebrows and smiled, a little awkward and taken by surprise. Wow, that was something to digest. 

   "Uh, I... actually, tomorrow I'm staying after classes to audition for the winter play. I've been wanting to play Hamlet for months now and auditions end tomorrow. I'm sorry". 

   Before Isabelle could say something else, Alec exclaimed:

   "Hamlet? I love Hamlet! You're auditioning for the main role, really? Wow, you must be really deep into theater." 

   Magnus was positively surprised, and answered:

   "Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna lie, it  _is_  very ambitious of me, but I know the play very well and I've been acting since middle school. Hopefully it pays off. But playing a minor role wouldn't be too bad, either. I really just want to be on the stage. But I must say I'm surprised, Alec. A theater kid, perhaps? I didn't see that one coming". 

   "Well, if there's one thing I've come to learn in life is to never judge a book by its cover" Alec pointed out. "Especially since, you know, I can't really see a book cover. But, no, I wouldn't exactly call myself a theater kid. I'm definitely interested on it, though. I never really experienced it as an actor, but I love reading and watching plays. I always have. It's probably my favorite type of art". 

   Magnus nodded, but then he had to remind himself that Alec couldn't see his nod, so he said "Oh, I see". 

   When they finally got to the mall, Jace, Alec and Simon headed to the movies to watch the new Fast and Furious, while Isabelle, Clary and Magnus, not so interested in all the car chasing porn, went to buy clothes - well, _Clary and Isabelle_ went to buy clothes, and Magnus went to help them pick stuff, at their request. He told the girls he had already bought some clothes on that weekend, but in reality he was just a little embarrassed to tell them that he didn't have any money - well, maybe not embarrassed, but unsure whether or not he could trust them to not judge his broke ass. He helped the two of them find some nice pieces that were also budget-friendly and fit their personal styles well; Isabelle did seem a little bit like a stereotypical white straight girl making a pet out of a queer boy, but at that moment, Magnus didn't care. He liked to play the stylist, and he was just glad to have someone acknowledging him as someone that could be trusted with the mission of helping people look good.  


 

 **6:30 PM**  


   "You know, Magnus" Isabelle said, while they both searched through a clothes rack at Forever 21, waiting for Clary to come out of the fitting room. "I wish I had approached you before. And not just because of your good taste and astonishing elegance, but because you're genuinely a nice person. I'm glad you came with us today".

   Magnus looked at her, thoughtful. This was confusing and he wouldn't expect it to be happening, not in a million years, but it did warm his heart. He smiled at her.

   "I'm sorry" she continued, chuckling. "I know I probably sound like the typical straight girl desperately trying to adopt the stylish gay boy right now, don't I?" 

   Magnus chuckled back at her.

   "Well, actually, I'm bisexual" He said. "And don't worry. Hanging out with you it's turning out to be... surprisingly pleasant, Isabelle." 

   She smiled.

   "That's great to know. What I'm trying to say is... I know things aren't easy for you at school. It's like you're part of this group of people that no one seems to respect, and I hate that, and I wish I had befriended you before, because you always seemed to be nothing but nice, but we just get so stuck up this same group of people, and it's hard to burst that bubble and take a wider look around... And it's not even just you, you know? There's just so many people that seem to be great that we don't even approach because we have our heads so far up our own asses... So, if you and your friends are ever feeling a little tired of being the outsiders that are looked down at, just know that there's a seat at my table open for Magnus Bane and any friend of his. And I don't mean to sound pitiful or like I'm doing some sort of charity! Don't get me wrong! Think about this as an exchange of favors, you know?"

   Magnus frowned.

   "An exchange of favors?"

   "Yes! If you feel like I'm being the annoying straight girl that uses you for beauty advice... Feel free to use me right back! I mean, I'm pretty sure those dumb jocks would think twice before giving you shit if they saw you were with us. And after how nice you've been to me, agreeing to share your unique take at style with me, it's the least I can do. And, like I said, I'm sure you'd be great company anyways".

   He thought about what she had said for a while. 

   "So... are you saying that you're willing to offer me social protection in exchange for me being your personal stylist?" 

   " _Well_... I'm saying that the two of us being friends would be good for me _and for you,_ but if you wanna put it that way..."

   "Sounds like a deal to me!" 

   They both looked at each other and laughed. Was he going insane? Maybe. But Isabelle wasn't an unpleasant person - at all. He wasn't entirely sold on the idea of sitting with them through lunch, but he did feel like it would be nice to be one of Isabelle's friends. He didn't _hate_ bonding over fashion and makeup with a straight girl, and yeah, he _could_ use a little peace from the bullies.

   

   Later, when the three of them left the store and headed over to the food court - the two girls packed with bags full of clothes -, Magnus met Alec, Jace and Simon again. They all sat at one of the round tables to eat something, and Magnus couldn't help but feel a little awkward again - it was one thing to hang out with Isabelle, but when he was sitting there with all of those cool kids together at once, everyone talking to each other while he didn't know how to fit into the conversation, he suddenly started feeling so... _self-aware_.

   He looked at Alec while slowly eating his vegan lasagna. The tall boy in front of him silently took a bite of his Subway sandwich, looking thoughtful - although Magnus couldn't really be sure, and for a moment he wished Alec would take off his sunglasses so Magnus could see what his eyes were like.

   "So" he said, taking advantage of the fact that Alec was the only one at the table not engaged in any conversation at that moment and poking his hand to make himself noticed. "Fast and Furious, huh? From Shakespeare to Rob Cohen? That's one peculiar range of interests, to say the least". 

   Alec smirked at him, and swallowed the piece of sandwich that he was chewing before saying:

   "I didn't even know the name of the guy who directed it. You're a nerd, aren't you? But nah, I wasn't really interested in the movie. Only a little bit more than I was in shopping for clothes with Izzy. But if we're going to talk about my range of interests, I should probably tell you that Hairspray is my all time favorite thing to watch on a stage". 

   Magnus opened his mouth, astonished.

   "Are you kidding? John Waters is _the best_! A 60s ambiented musical filled with r &b, dancing, racial commentary _and_ the protagonist challenges beauty standards? And let's not forget that one of the main characters is always played by a man in drag. If Hairspray didn't exist, I would probably write it myself. I never got to see the play, though. Must be life-changing". 

   "Magnus, _I kid you not,_ when I was 13 and started going to the gym, 'The Ladies' Choice' was the only thing that I could blast to on my headphones while working out". 

   Magnus couldn't help but laugh enthusiastically at that thought. 

   "And teenage Zac Efron's masculine confidence helped you get built up for the ladies, I suppose?" he teased. 

   Alec frowned, taking a sip of his diet coke.

   "What do you mean?" he asked, a confused grin upon his face. Oh God. Magnus remembered what he and Dot had talked about earlier. Was he _really_ not self-aware? 

   "Oh, _come on_ " Magnus said "You know what I'm talking about. You have a legion of fangirls _yearning_ for you. You look like you stepped out of their most perfect daydream, Alec Lightwood."

   Alec raised his eyebrows, and his face turned red. 

   "Well, that's... Flattering, I guess? But yeah, I know. It's not why I started working out, though. I don't really care about it".

   Magnus raised a single brow. 

   "For real?"

   "Yeah, for real. I just needed to exercise as a way to deal with my anxieties and feel... Somewhat in control, I guess? My health can also get messed up sometimes, if I'm not careful. But as you said... When you get committed to it, it comes with having... _Yearning fangirls,_ I guess. I don't get it, though, 'cause of... You know" He pointed at his own eyes. 

   Magnus looked at him carefully, and he didn't seem to be faking humbleness just to covertly brag, like some people did; he seemed to be genuinely uncomfortable.

   Magnus was now questioning everything he had previously thought about.

   "It kind of annoys me, sometimes".

   "What?" Magnus asked. He was really interested in where this conversation was going.

   Alec took a deep sigh.

   "You know, just... The way such a huge part of my life is shaped by the way I look. I don't like it. I don't like the yearning fangirls. I don't like having to hold this weight of perfection on my shoulders. I have to constantly be checking myself and questioning everything, you know? If I stopped taking care of my hair, would this person still be all over me? If I get depressed and skip gym for a few weeks, will these people still want to be around me and listen to what I have to say? It just sucks. And it sucks even more that they're so stuck up on something that I can't even see for myself. I don't know... Maybe it's because I lost my sight when I was six, but I'm used to having my opinions on people based on who they are on the inside. I just wish people acted the same way towards me. It all just feels so... _Fake_ ". 

   Magnus nodded, after listening to every word he said with attention and fascination, his hands on his chin. He had been so quick to judge Alec based on how he was treated by other people that he didn't even think about the fact that the boy had a limitation that influenced the way he perceived things. Apparently, he wasn't an entitled person, after all.

   "Anyways" Alec continued "I'm probably sounding like some white people problems shit right now". 

   "Possibly" Magnus smiled. "But I do understand what you're saying. I'm surprised, because... I had never thought about it that way, honestly. That this may not be a bed of roses for you. I guess you're right on not judging a book by its cover". 

   Alec nodded, with a shy grin. Both boys stared at nothing for a few seconds, until Magnus took a deep sigh and broke the silence by saying:

   "So... You've mentioned that you've never acted, even though you're interested in theater. Why's that?" 

  "It's just doesn't really fit my life" Alec said, while Magnus finished drinking his iced tea. "There's one thing that my mom and dad have always made it clear for me ever since I was born; that I should always focus on getting stellar grades and preparing to keep moving the family's legacy forward".

   "You mean the law firm, I suppose". 

   "Yeah. So that's what I have been doing. Being a great student, learning foreign languages, and preparing myself to apply for all the greatest law schools this country has to offer. I do have some space for hobbies, but... I feel like acting is such an occupation, you know? And they would _never_ want me to be involved with any occupation that doesn't have to do with our family's business, so here I am". 

   Magnus looked at him, wide-eyed. 

   "Wow. That sounds tiring. But don't you?"

   Alec seemed confused.

   "What?"

   "Don't _you_ want to be involved with other types of occupations?" 

  The tall boy frowned.

   "Well, it's not really about me wanting anything personally. It's about our family. It's the tradition".

   "But..." Magnus bit his lip, hoping that he wasn't going too far, but he just had to say it. "Shouldn't it be? Just sometimes? I mean... What does tradition for the sake of tradition means, anyway?" 

   Alec shook his head, and looking at his expression, it was almost as if he was _offended_ by Magnus' questioning.  
"It means _everything_ " he said. "Look, I know it isn't that big of a deal to everyone, but it is for us. And I've learned to respect that and live by those values". 

   And there it was; all the excitement and sympathy he had been feeling because of that conversation up until that point suddenly went away like a balloon being emptied -- well, not _all of it_ , but certainly a big part of it. He still thought Alec was a nice person, and overall interesting, but all of that live-by-strict-rules, traditions-are-everything attitude was so _boring_ and _annoying_ to Magnus. 

   As they all walked towards the parking lot to go home, Isabelle tapped Magnus on the shoulder and said:

   "We didn't properly talk about our little makeup meeting. You said you have that audition tomorrow, and I have a hair appointment on Wednesday, but maybe Thursday?" 

   He hesitated, pondering on the question. Was he really ready to step inside the Lightwoods' house? 

   "Uh... Yeah. Sure. Thursday's fine". 

   "Great! We'll meet after school then".

   Magnus wiped a little bit of sweat falling down his forehead. "Am I going crazy?" 

   He was going to Alec and Isabelle Lightwood's place on Thursday. Yikes.

  


 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Ain't it good to be on your own?  
> Ain't it fun you can't count on no one?  
> Ain't it fun?  
> Living in the real world?'

**Monday, 8 PM**

   Alec took another modest sip of the apple juice inside the glass cup, feeling the underwhelming taste fill his mouth as he swallowed slowly. He then proceed to touch the metal spoon with his right hand once again, only to keep moving it with dismay through the food on his plate, his left hand on his cheek; although it smelled good, he wasn't hungry anymore, but Maryse insisted that junk food from the mall wasn't enough to keep him fed through the night. Even though he couldn't see her, he knew she was looking at him.

   "I don't understand, you love chicken soup" His mother said, confused, proving him right. "Did something happen?"

   "I told you mom, we ate already!" He clapped back, a little impatiently, as he took a deep breath. Maryse sighed as well, and he heard her laying her spoon down on her plate. Aside from him, he could also hear Isabelle licking her lips a little worried, Robert chewing unbothered and Max drinking from his straw. 

   "Alec, you have a strict diet to follow. You're not supposed to be eating junk food on a Monday, and it surely won't be enough to feed you properly. Eat your proteins". 

   "Well, I'm sure the Subway sandwich had quite some protein" Isabelle pondered, her voice sounding extremely careful and good intended, and Alec just wanted to hug her right there. He stretched his arms to tap her hand affectionately, and when he grinned at her, he could feel her grinning back. 

   "I have a strict diet to follow because _you_ want me to, Mom. I never signed anything that made me obligated to eat healthy on a Monday." He snapped, maybe a little too bravely, 'cause he immediately felt Isabelle squeezing his hand. 

   Maryse chuckled ironically. 

   "Well, you might wanna watch your mouth, or you may not be going out anymore, young man. I'm sorry that I _bother you_ with my worries about your health".

   "My health is perfectly fine. It won't be ruined by one stupid sandwich". 

   "Well, don't you wanna keep your gym results maximized? Don't you wanna stay on shape?" 

   When she spoke, Alec could tell by her tone that she was carrying that gross presumptuous expression on her face. He could feel his mouth going bitter, remembering the conversation he'd had with Magnus earlier. " _No, I don't_ ", he wanted to answer. " _I don't give a fuck_ ". 

   Alec couldn't really see the world around him, but he hadn't been born blind, and when he interacted with the world, his head was filled with images. They were opaque and inconsistent, a mess of vague silhouettes, shadows and colors, but they reflected how he felt. When with Isabelle or Jace, they were intense and almost bright; earlier that day, when he was talking to Magnus, they were vivid and joyful; right now, during that conversation with his mom, they were turning grey and gloomy. 

   "What difference does it make?" He said, while reluctantly putting some of the chicken on his mouth. "Whatever shape I am, I can't see it anyway, can I? You know that's not why I exercise. Why do you have to try and control the way I look, too?"

   Was it because she could see Alec but he couldn't see himself? Did that make her more entitled to have a say on what he should look like?, he thought to himself, frowning. 

   "I just want what's _best_ for you, Alec". She said, and her voice was clearly shaken. _Shit,_ now he was feeling bad. He hated this whole argument so much.

   "I know" he said, grabbing the napkin under his plate to clean his lips, even though there wasn't really any food on them. "But sometimes what you _think_ it's best for me it's _not really_ what's best for me, mom. I _do_ care about eating healthy, but I do _not_ care about being on a strict gym rat diet. And if you want to ground me for that or something, then go ahead".

   "Alec-" Isabelle murmured, and she sounded like she was sweating with concern for her brother. 

   Suddenly, he heard the sound of a chair being dragged away, and his father's distinctive coughing as he got up from the table, grabbing his plate and saying:  
"Come on, Max, let's go watch the new Walking Dead" 

   They both walked out of the kitchen in careful steps, and Alec could almost _taste_ the awkwardness between him, Maryse and Isabelle when they were left alone there. It was his mom who broke the silence:

   "I don't like all this rebellion. Where's that coming from? Is Jace's temper contaminating you? Or is it his new girl candy? Or maybe it's that new young man that is suddenly hanging out with you guys now... What's the name, _Magnum_?"

   Alec laughed and rolled his eyes. Unbelievable. 

   "Isabelle's new friend has _nothing_ do with this."

   "I don't know. He's too..." Alec heard Isabelle opening her mouth to sigh at her mom, and he knew that she was thinking the same thing as him; _please don't say some prejudiced shit._ "He just smells like trouble."

   " _Gosh_ , don't be a bigot". He said, spitting every word with anger, completely startled. "He smells like nothing but nail polish and sandalwood. And he's coming to our house on Thursday! Why do you care who we hang out with so much?"

   "Why _wouldn't_ I care? You're my _son_ , Alec. Your social life _is_ my concern. And we still haven't discussed that little sneaking out on Friday". 

   He felt his stomach twisting, and not because of the smell of food that he wasn't interested in. 

   "Mom, it's okay, I already told you I'm the one who told Alec to meet me at the bar-"

   "No need to lie to protect your brother anymore, Isabelle" she abruptly cut her off. "I already know that you weren't there, and this was Alec's idea entirely. I know you don't want him in trouble, but he needs to face the consequences of his actions". 

   "So what?" He exclaimed, crossing his arms. "I was at the library studying after school and decided to go to Hunter's Moon for a little while. Am I not allowed to have fun?"

   " _Alec_!" she protested, and her voice was almost desperate. "You _know_ it's not that simple, no matter how ward I _wish_ it was. You were _not_ supposed to leave the library! You can't just go out on your own whenever you feel like it without even letting me know! Heck, I wouldn't even like it if _Isabelle_ did it". 

   "Ha!" Alec laughed "As if anyone would believe that. What's the problem? I know Maia, she's always there and she's my friend, nothing bad would happen. And you know I only drink soda."

   "Well, can Maia prevent strangers for putting things on your soda while she's busy working? I don't think so. Besides, a lot of bad things could happen on your way from the library to the bar. Taking the bus on your own? Alec, _what were you thinking_?"

   Alec put his hands on his forehead, deeply stressed out. Did she really expect him to live inside a bubble? Yeah, she _did_ have a reason to be worried, but he couldn't just be stuck on a cage, not living life. There was a world out there, and Alec didn't want to be banned from it. Didn't she see how _cruel_ that was?

   "You don't think I can take care of myself?" He asked her.

   He could hear her opening her mouth and closing it in hesitation a few times before she finally said: 

   "I think you're smart enough to try your best. But the world is dangerous, Alec." Suddenly, her tone shifted and she didn't sound so angry anymore, but rather hurt or sympathetic. "I know I can't ban you from it, but why can't you just take baby steps? I know it's not an easy thing to accept, but you _have_ a limitation that makes it impossible for you to explore life in the same pace as the other kids your age. There's no way to _force_ it, Alec." 

   That fucking hurt Alec like a knife. Not that she had said that, but the fact that he knew it was the truth. He just felt so _wrong_ all the time. He felt, deep inside his soul, that he had been born to reach for great things, not to be stuck in a bubble feeling sorry for himself and having to be content with so much less than the average person his age got. Alec could feel tears threatening to fill his eyes with a burning anger - anger at life, at God, the universe, at whomever or whatever was to blame. Why did that stupid accident had to happen to him?

   He took a deep sigh and said:

   "It's just so _hard_ , you know. I do _everything_ you and dad tell me to. I live my life the way _you guys_ taught me how to live. Everything I do is driven by a sense of respect for your rules, for this family's values and for what you guys have planned for my life, because I _trust you_ to put it on tracks for me, and I'm very _grateful_ for that. I have learned _all the goddamn languages_ , I've been reading all the goddamn books that people just _do not_ read until they're _actually_ in law school, I have been the best in my class for years and I never _once_ complained about the career that you picked for me, even though it forces me to sacrifice _so many things_ that I wish I could do. And when I do something as trivial as going out by myself, suddenly you wanna act like I'm this ungrateful, rebellious kid--"

   "You sound like you have a lot to say about being a part of our family's legacy on the law market. Do you not want it anymore, Alec? Hm?" she asked in an overly dramatic tone, as if she wanted Alec to feel like he had just offended her. "Tell me. What is it that you wish so bad that you could do? Is it _that_ more important than the values of our family and the brilliant career that I have been preparing for all of you?"

   "I'm not saying it's more important!" He defended himself. "I'm just saying that there is more to me than just the Lightwoods' older son. I have layers, just like everyone else. I have all kinds of interests and... Did you know that there's this play that's happening in school this year on winter, and it's one of my favorite plays in the world, and I've always loved theater so much but I can't really get into it whatsoever because you'd freak out at the thought of me doing _anything_ other than building my piece of the family's legacy?" 

    _Gosh_ , he had just took a wild risk in sharing that. He was just talking to Magnus about how his personal passions didn't matter more than his family's traditions, for Christ's sake. But maybe Magnus was right. Maybe sometimes it _should_ be about what he wanted. 

   "So what you're saying" Maryse said, slowly. "Is that you want to just give up on law school and drop everything to be an actor?" 

   Alec sighed heavily, closing his eyes and taking deep, calculated breaths. He could just _explode_ if he didn't contain himself. 

   "That's not what I'm saying _at all_ " He said, trying to speak as carefully and slowly as a fucking yoga teacher. "I'm just saying that I care _so much_ about your plans for me that I sacrifice things that I love for it, and that, perhaps, I didn't really _need_ to sacrifice. And it's not even just theater, you know. I'm always so committed to being the best son I can be, but sometimes it's tiring to live inside that bubble, mom. I... I don't want to be your baby forever."

   Maryse stayed silent for a few seconds before saying:

   " _Oh my God_. Is this about you wanting to take drive lessons again? Because I _swear to God,_ Alec..." 

   "No, it's not" Alec was surprised to hear Isabelle cutting her mom off "This is about that other thing". 

    _Fuck_. His sister knew him too well.

   "I would like to get a job, yeah" Alec confirmed. "It's not impossible. I'm sure there are quite a few places where I could fit in. I would like to have my own money. Not depend on your allowance anymore. I think it would help me feel a little more... _Free_ , I guess". 

   He heard Maryse dragging her chair away from the table and picking up her plate.

   "That's _a lot_ to think about, Alec. If you don't mind, I'm going to get some rest and do some... _Thinking_."

   She left in harsh steps, and Alec knew what that meant. She was deeply upset at him. _Shit_.

   He stretched his arms again, touching both of Isabelle's hands. The girl squeezed her fingers around his protectively. He loved her _so much_.

   "Well" he said. "Not since Norman Bates had a mother and her son shared such a dreadful dinner. I know I should've known better, but I honest to God didn't think she would get _so mad_ about me going to Hunter's Moon".

   Isabelle chuckled.

   "You're too naive for your own good, Alec. Next time, why don't you just call me and have me pick you up to go there with you? I mean, I know my company may not be the most _desirable_ at all times, but I'm sure it beats having to deal with mom's anger."

   "Your company _is_ the best, Izzy" he said, touching the ring on her finger. "That's _not_ the problem. I just don't wanna feel like a _burden_ to you. You have your own life--"

   " _Don't say that_ , Alec" the girl touched her brother's arm. "Okay? _Ever_. You're _not_ a burden. You're everything to me. No matter what, I will always skip anything to keep you company anywhere. _Well_ , except maybe when I'm mad at you for using my laptop without permission, but asides from that..." 

   He chuckled softly, the affection taking over him and slowly replacing the anger and melancholy.

   "Thank you for being my rock". He said. "If you didn't exist, I would invent you".

   Isabelle chuckled back at him, and he could feel her shy smile through her touch. But he could also hear Maryse taking deep sighs from her room. _Fuck_.

   "I hope she doesn't stay upset at me" He said. "I didn't want to make her sad. You know I didn't. I just... Feel so much things, I can't help it, and it's no my fault, but it's not _her_ fault either..."

   "She's your mom, Alec" Isabelle tried to calm him down. "That's part of being a parent. It's not always a bed of roses. But she'll be fine. You guys need those confrontations, whether they're comfortable or not. Things can't just be kept in the dark". 

   Alec raised one eyebrow; he felt like she was trying to say something _specific_ with that, and he had a guess on what it was, but he shook the thought away from his head, because he had too many issues already.

   Despite his sister's kind words, Alec still couldn't help but feel a little guilty. It's not that he regretted speaking his mind; he just wished things were different. That his mom didn't have to suffer because of who he was. 

  _A fucking burden_. That's what Alec felt like all the time. A burden to his mom, who had to suffer and worry because her blind son couldn't bring himself to ignore his _stupid_ feelings or to accept his limited life, a burden to his sister, who had to readjust her whole life just to protect her big brother, a burden to his dad, a burden to his friends. 

   He just really needed to lay down and cry through the whole night.

 

*******

 

**10:15 PM**

 

   Alec ran his index finger trough the pages of his braille edition of Macbeth, trying to keep the sad thoughts away from his mind, laid down against a pillow on his bed while rubbing his socked feet against one another, when he heard a knock on his door. 

   He turned his head and closed the book, stretching himself to open the door next to the bed. For whatever reason, he expected his mom or maybe Isabelle to be at the other side, but instead he was surprised to hear Robert's voice say:

   "Hey, kid" 

   Alec heard his dad touching the switch to turn on the lights.

   "Hey, dad. Something's wrong?"

   "You tell me." The older man said. "How are you feeling? I know that argument with your mom was... _Pretty dark_."

   Alec sighed, putting his book on the dresser next to him while his dad sat on the bed and touched his hand. 

   "It's okay" He lied. "Just some stupid disagreement".

   "You know, Alec... Your mom and I were thinking about what you said. About your desire to experiment with acting. You felt like you had to sacrifice that desire in order to follow the steps we want you to follow, but... We never _really_ said that, now did we?"

   Alec frowned, truly confused. Where was this going?

   "What do you mean?"

   "Well... We trust you, son. We know you're a smart, responsible kid who probably could very well balance his academic life with one or two uncompromised hobbies. Are we right to assume that?"

   Alec's heart started racing. He wish he could see his dad's face to be sure, but by his tone, he felt like he was trying to give him a nice surprise or something like that.

   "I--Yeah" he said. "I think... _I'm sure_ I could."

   Robert squeezed his hand and chuckled.

   "Look, that thing about you wanting go get a job... I mean, you're right, it's not impossible. But it _is_ a lot to think about, Alec. It's a pretty big decision, and a _tough_ one, for your mom and I. There's a lot at stake. Of course we want you to conquer your independence, but we also worry, you know?"

   Alec nodded. Okay, now he definitely had no idea of what this conversation was about. 

   "Why don't we take one step at a time?" His dad suggested. "Let's start with that theater thing. Your mom and I were talking just now, and we think that if you can manage being a part of this school play _and_ going well, you know, with all the difficulties, and the commitment, while _still_ being a dedicated student... Then maybe that will be the proof we need that you're ready for the responsibility of getting a job". 

   Alec breathed heavily. He felt like he could explode.

   "Are you saying..."

   "Go audition for that role you want, my boy. Go show us that you can get it. That you can succesfully act on a play. If that turns out to be true, we can discuss finding you a job. Is that a good deal for you?"

   Alec started laughing frenetically, unable to contain his excitement. He closed his arms around his dad.  
"Thank you so much! I love it, dad! I _can_ do it. You'll see". 

   This was amazing; almost too good to be true. Alec had permission to pursue the hobby that he always wanted to pursue, to act on one of his favorite plays and he would be moving closer to his independence on the process - moving further away from the feeling of being a burden. This was _great_ news.

 

*******

 

**11 PM**

 

   Alec knocked on the wooden door, touching the big plastic heart glued to it once again to make sure it was the right room as he waited. 

   "Izzy?" he whispered while gently and slowly opening the door, trying to not make a lot of noise - he knew he shouldn't do that, but he just couldn't sleep and _had_ to share the great news with her. 

   Isabelle didn't answer immediately. Alec opened his mouth to call her name again, but he quickly heard her voice, speaking on a kind of groggy tone:

   "Alec? What happened?"

   Alec touched the bed and then sat on the corner of it, smiling as he opened his mouth to tell her what was currently filling his heart with joy, but then something happened; as he put his hand under Isabelle's blanket, he felt something on his hands that triggered desperation and panic on him. 

   The dust slipped through Alec's fingers like sand, as if salt had fallen on the girl's bed, but Alec knew it wasn't salt. His heart sank and he felt his throat slowly closing. 

   "Alec?" She asked once again. "What's wrong?"

   He started breathing heavily, and it took all the strength inside him to open his mouth and say:

  "Isabelle, what's this? This dust in your bed?" 

   He turned the switch on and approached his sister, showing her his hands. A few seconds passed by, and the heavy breaths coming from Isabelle denounced her. 

   "Oh, that's crumbs. Cookie crumbs. Why?"

   "Don't _lie_ to me, Isabelle" he said, firmly, even though he was starting to shake. "This is _not_ cookie crumbs, I'm not _dumb_. It's too thin. Isabelle, why are you doing this?"

   "Alec, I'm _not_!" her voice was shaky now, and she was definitely starting to cry. "It just has been there for a long time! You know I've been baking cookies for Simon! I don't do that shit anymore!"

   Alec's eyes were now filled with tears, too. _God_ , he wanted to believe her _so bad_. But this couldn't be cookie crumbs, _could it_? 

   " _Alec_ " she gently touched his hand, but he snapped it away harshly. She could not be doing this to him and their family again. "If you don't believe me, just smell it!"

   "I'm not putting that thing near my nose!" he snapped. _Fuck_. He was desperate, but he didn't want to wake anyone else up. It would only make things worse.

   "Alec, _stop_! Come here" she touched her brother's chin, and he bit his lip. "I'm _not_ doing drugs anymore, okay? This isn't coke, I _swear_. I know it feels thin, but I swear to God, it's fucking cookie crumbs. Trust me. I..." her voice started shaking again, making it impossible for Alec nothing to question her honesty. "I wouldn't do that to you guys. Okay?" 

   Alec closed his eyes and let the tears roll down his face. He had just been given some of the best news he had received in a long time, and now, just like that, one little amount of dust threatened to throw all the happiness away. 

   "I hope you're telling the truth" He told his sister "This is serious, Isabelle. You know you can't do this shit anymore. You _can't_ go back into that hole. We can't bare to have you broken down again..." He was now sobbing. The memories were still fresh and so, so scary. Isabelle touched his face to wipe his tears away, and opened her mouth to speak again, but he moved away from her and got up. He then took a deep breath.

   "Please don't make me regret trusting you", he said, and although he was forcing his voice to come out as strong and firm, he was literally _begging_ , desperately _imploring_ that to her.

   He closed the girl's door and turned away, facing the wall on the hallway. He pressed his forehead against the wall, closing his eyes and trying to control the dizziness he was starting to feel. The images on his head were now dark, ugly and horrifying. He hoped she was telling the truth, but _what if she wasn't?_ What if everything was going to shit again? He _needed_ her to be well, he couldn't handle the thought of her being a ruin again...

   He didn't feel like he should tell his parents, he felt like he _owed_ her his trust, but he just couldn't bring himself to trust her entirely, and it killed him...

    _God_ , everything would be _so much easier_ if he could just fucking _see_ the goddamn dust. Not only would he be able to make sure it was cookie crumbs, but he would also maybe be able to actually _do_ something. He felt so _helpless_ and useless. Crying himself like a baby, unable to do anything about that terrifying situation. 

  "I really am nothing but a burden" He thought. "A _useless_ burden".

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here's another chapter -- a more angsty one. I'm sorry for the lack of malec on this one, but it's a necessary chapter for alec's character development. thanks to everyone who left kudos, bookmarks and comments on the first one. again, please let me know if you guys like it, what were your thoughts while reading this chapter, how you're feeling about how the story's progressing, etc. I won't promise anything, but there's probably one more update coming this week. also, I would like to say that if you guys liked the concept of this story and/or if you like beautiful and heartwarming gay love stories, you should definitely check out the movie 'The Way He Looks' if you haven't already, it has definitely helped me coming up with the inspiration for some aspects of this fic. but yeah, please tell me what you guys thought and thank you for reading <3 I swear things will be fine for them eventually sbdkmdmf


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'You're my stranger in the dark  
> I am lonely, lonely heart  
> Waiting for  
> someone to take me home'

**Tuesday, 6:45 AM**

Magnus carefully held the small hand mirror, still checking his eyeliner as he walked through the hallway to leave for school. When he got to the kitchen, he quickly put the mirror inside the bag on his shoulder and approached the fridge on the dimly lit room to grab some water or coffee. As soon as he opened the fridge's door and took a sip of the water inside the glass bottle, not bothering to grab a cup, he heard that deep, nightmare fueling voice say: 

   "Already painted like a clown so early in the morning. Why can't you be a little less of a..."

   Magnus quicky swallowed the water, almost freezing his brain, but his blood was still boiling as he closed the fridge. 

   "A _what_?" he spit, his teeth clenched, not bothering to conceal his anger. "Be careful what you say if you don't want me to flush your denture down the toilet during the night. Maybe then I won't be able to understand your _pathetic_ words anymore". 

   " _Jesus Christ_ " the old man grumbled, a look of disgust on his wrinkled face. "Imagine if your mother could see you now. Acting so disrespectful, so rebellious, like a perverted, immoral _queer_..."

   " _DON'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT HER_!" Magnus shouted, approaching his grandfather to look at him straight on the face. Gosh, he could fucking _spit_ at him right there. "Don't you _dare_ mention her with your disgusting mouth while you're throwing your hate and slurs at me!" 

   " _SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER_!" the elder Bane exclaimed back at him, shaking behind his round glasses. "You think she'd be _happy_ at you? Hm? Maybe she knew the ungrateful disappointment that you would turn out to be. Maybe she _knew_ and decided that she'd rather _die_ first..."

   " _SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH_!" _Gosh_ , he couldn't do that anymore. Having to hear those things. Having to cope with that shit. What had he ever done to deserve to live in such hell? "Do _not_ bring her into this, do _not_ use my dead mother to try and justify your hate!"

   "You think that's _hate_ , Magnus? You think I don't do this 'cause I _love_ you? 'Cause I loved my daughter, 'cause I love my family? Why else do you think I give you a roof, food, a bed to sleep in? Even though I know that you would _never_ do the same for me?"

   Magnus stared deeply at the man, feeling a toxic wave of loathing taking over him, so strong that it felt like it could _kill_ him from the inside. 

   "Well, don't worry" He said, his mouth twisted with disgust. "I'll make sure to make it up to you by putting you on a rest home as soon as I can". 

   The slap hit him so quickly that he didn't even have time to think. In a split second, before he was even finished talking, his grandfather's right hand landed on Magnus' face with brutality. He felt his eyes watering as he turned to face the older man, his cheek burning, but he reunited all the strength inside of his being in order to not shed a single tear. He could not let that man see him showing any sign of weakness. 

   Instead of crying, Magnus simply adjusted the bag on his shoulder and turned away, his hand still touching his own face where his grandfather's fingers had landed. Magnus hated him with a burning passion. 

   "Well, I'm leaving" he said, trying not to let his voice sound shaky. "You should expect a visit from the police officers today". 

   "Ha" He heard the old man laughing behind him as he walked to the door. "As if you'd ever _dare_ do that. We both know you'd have _nowhere_ to go and no way to fucking eat". 

   Magnus left and slammed the door behind him, not bothering to answer him; specially because he knew it was true. Magnus had _nowhere_ else to go. No money, no job, nothing. Everything he had came from his grandfather's hands; except for his clothing, makeup items and other personal stuff, which Magnus bought sporadically with bits of his mother's humble heritage. But his mother's humble heritage was hardly enough to make a living on his own, to get his own place to live, to provide his own food. And Magnus had been trying and trying to get a job for _so long_ , but it was so hard when he was so young and apparently queer and had no sort of experience or special knowledge. So he was stuck in that hell with that despicable old man, giving him endless abuse under the excuse of love and the justification of "You owe me everything". 

   But Magnus shook his head and took a deep breath, trying to get the scary thoughts away from his head - the thought of what his grandfather had just told him about his mother, the thought that he could be right, the thought that he had no perspective of living a free life and didn't even know if college would be a reality for him. He just had to force himself into ignoring those things, because at that moment, it was no use to worry, and it would only give him pointless stress. He lifted the left sleeve of his shirt to take a quick look at his wrist, as if to remind himself of what that useless worry would give him. The scars were still there, but fading a little more everyday. He _really_ needed to keep that wrist untouched for a while. He _could_ do it.

   "Fuck this shit" He thought to himself while going down the stairs that ended on the glass door, which he opened to be kissed by the cold wind of the streets. He took a deep breath, letting the outside fill his nostrils. _That_ was what he needed to fill his soul with. The things from the outside. "Fuck _all_ of it. I just need to act like it's not there."

   And today would be a great day to do just that; that was the day that Magnus would hopefully get him part as Hamlet for the school's winter play. 

   "Well, I'm least all this torment will help me get in character".

 

*******

 

**4:50 PM**

   

   The waiting was definitely taking longer than expected, Magnus thought as he sank into his seat, patiently - or not so patiently anymore - waiting for Ms. Ashdown to call his name from her clipboard. It's not like he could just expect to be the first one, but _Gosh_ , the amount of people going there only to act _terribly_ and waste Ms. Ashdown's time turned out to be way larger than last year - if Magnus had to hear _one more_ person mispronouncing the names on the play, _he swore to God._..

   "Mr. Bane!" the teacher shouted his name from her seat without looking away from her clipboard just as Aline Penhallow left the stage like a nervous wreck. "You're up next." 

   Magnus immediately stopped mentally going over his lines and got up, a little too quickly, almost falling to the ground. He ran to the stage like a scared animal, and when he got to the center of it, the spotlight on him, he started coughing, sweat dripping down his forehead. It wasn't like he hadn't done that before, but it still made him a little apprehensive. 

   "Um... I--Uh... I'm auditioning for the role of Hamlet" He said, robotically, as he coughed again and started getting in character.

   " _O, that this too too solid flesh would melt; Thaw and resolve itself into a dew! Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd; His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God! How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, Seem to me all the uses of this world!_ "

   He went on, getting deeper and deeper into character every second. That was quite a long part of the text that he had picked, and his scene stretched out for a few minutes, as it also demanded a rather slow and well thought performance that Magnus carefully tried to display; but it would hopefully pay off, as Ms. Ashdown was able to see the full depth of his commitment. 

   When he was halfway through, however, she stopped him: 

   "Okay, that's enough!" 

_Oh Lord_ , he thought, swallowing saliva as he started breathing heavily. This could only mean that he was acting like a fool. Well, at least there was no one else but the teacher there anymore to witness his failure, he thought.

   "The part's your, Magnus" she calmly said, timidly lifting her head up from her clipboard to look at him over her small glasses. " _God knows_ we're not getting anything better than this on this school. Good job". 

   Her tone was absolutely emotionless, and for a second Magnus couldn't tell if he should feel flattered or not, but in that moment, that was good. He smiled and sighed with relief. He'd wanted this so bad and it felt _amazing_ to not flop at it. He felt like he deserved a tap on the shoulder.

   "Now, since that's, apparently, everyone for today" the woman said, as she got up from her seat to look around the now empty amphitheatre. "I think it's time we go. Shall we?" 

   But just as she finished saying that, the double doors were open, revealing a tall slim boy with messy dark hair. 

   "I'm sorry I'm late" Alec Lightwood said, seemingly nervous. "I had to help my sister with something. Can I still audition?"

   Magnus raised an eyebrow, deeply intrigued. _Alec Lightwood_ , who had just told him yesterday that he couldn't get into theater because it didn't mix with his family's holy rules and traditions? He had to admit to himself, however, that seeing him there sparked some sort of excitement inside Magnus - he didn't quite know why, but ever since that conversation on the mall, there was something about Alec that caught his attention and left him on the edge of his seat, wanting to take a closer look. 

   "Well" Ms. Ashdown said, staring at the boy as he walked closer to her. "We _do_ cherish punctually in theater, but what is an artist's life if not a bunch of unforeseen events, am I right? Is your name on the clipboard?" 

"Yes. Lightwood. Alec Lightwood".

    _There's no way she doesn't know who you are_ , Magnus thought to himself as he looked at Alec, unsure whether or not he should make his presence known to the boy. Was he allowed to say 'hi' to him now that they had hung out? Or was Magnus still just a nobody? 

   Magnus was intrigued to notice that Alec was walking with the help of a walking stick -- I mean, the fact that he needed it wasn't surprising, but he just had never seen the boy using one before; _well_ , he had never seen Alec walking around all by himself before, as he was usually always next to his family or friends who could guide him. Magnus couldn't help but wonder if they knew about what Alec was up to at that moment. 

   "Yep, here it is" the teacher said, after flipping the pages of her clipboard for a while. "Alec Lightwood. And you're auditioning for which part, Alec?"

   "Claudius" Alec said firmly, but not without coughing nervously afterwards.

   "Okay" she nodded, looking at him from head to toe. "Why don't you get on the stage and show me what you've got? It will be just me and Mr. Bane right here watching you".

   " _Bane_? Magnus?" Alec asked, raising his eyebrows. _Fuck_. Now Magnus would look like a rude, arrogant piece of shit. He should've just greeted the boy as soon as he entered. 

   "Yeah, it's me. Hey there, Alec" Magnus said, friendly, but still not moving from the stage. "Just got the part of Hamlet". 

   Alec turned his head to the stage and gave Magnus a warm smile.

   "That's great!" He said. "You said you would get it, and you did".

   Magnus chuckled softly at him, and for a few seconds, there was an awkward silence in the room.

   "Well, I'll get off the stage so you can come audition. I can go away if you want, you know, a little more privacy". 

   "Oh no, it's fine" Alec said as he approached the stage, touching the ground in front of him with his walking stick so he knew where he was going. "If I'm going to do this, might as well get used to losing my inhibitions, right?"

   "A little more to your left" Magnus said, helping him orient himself towards the stage's wooden steps. 

   "Thank you". 

   As Magnus got off the stage, Alec and him crossed ways at the small wooden steps.  
"Here you go" Magnus said, helping him get up while he got down "There's three little steps right here."

   As Alec got on the stage, Magnus touched his leg and wished him good luck. Alec thanked him and smiled. Magnus then proceed to sit next to Ms. Ashdown to watch Alec's performance, unable to contain the thrill he was feeling. When he looked at the stage again, Alec wasn't wearing his sunglasses anymore; they were hanging from his pocket, and Magnus was able to see his hazel, almost greenish eyes, for the first time. His left eye was pointed up, and his right eye had a small visible deformity; the hazel color on his iris looked like it was leaking, staining a small part of his cornea. Still, they were beautiful. 

   Alec coughed, took a deep sigh and started: 

   " _Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death; The memory be green, and that it us befitted; To bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom_  
_To be contracted in one brow of woe, Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature; That we with wisest sorrow think on him,_  
_Together with remembrance of ourselves_ ". 

   He kept going; his line was just as long as Magnus' line. Magnus knew that text better than anyone else, and he had, himself, performed it in the mirror countless times. Alec was doing an _amazing_ job, and he was _astonished_ ; his voice, his pronunciation, his facial expressions, his gestures -- _everything_ was _flawless_. Magnus even felt a little outshined, and that was _not_ something easy to do; every detail of Alec's performance combined to draw a perfect picture of the character. Magnus could feel all the dark and depths in Claudius only by the way in which Alec said his lines, and when he looked at Ms. Ashdown, he knew she was just as impressed. She didn't, however, interrupt him in the middle like she had done to Magnus. Instead, she left him finish, even staying silent for a few seconds afterwards. Finally, she sighed and said:

   "Well, that's not an easy thing to say, but... You're the best Claudius that we've had today, Mr. Lightwood. Hands down". 

   Magnus looked at Alec, who was putting on his sunglasses again, and looked just as confused as him.

   "Um... Why is that not an easy thing to say?" Alec asked.

   She took a deep sigh again and pouted her lips while looking at him.

   "Your performance was certainly the biggest positive surprise that I've had in a long time. But... You're aware of the delicate situation that I'm in right now, aren't you?" 

   Alec bit his lip and stared at the ground. Magnus frowned, feeling bad for him.

   "I do" he answered her. "But I promise that I can get over those difficulties, I can work really hard, I can wear contacts, I can-"

   "The way your eyes look are the least of my concerns, Mr. Lightwood. You would need a full script in braille, for starters, and someone who also has a full script and is willing to rehearse the lines with you, and that's something I am _not_ capable of offering. You would need assistance, on how to position yourself, how to move properly around the stage, where to look at, how to properly interact with your fellow cast members during the play... I mean, I _do_ want you on the play, you have _undeniable_ talent and potential, but I cannot afford myself to have someone on the cast who's not fully prepared when the rehearsals begin. I mean, you _did_ know about such limitations when you decided to audition, I suppose. Does that mean you have someone to help you already?"

   Alec twisted his lips, his head down, and both Magnus and Ms. Ashdown knew what the answer to that was.

   "No, I haven't" He said. "Not yet. But I can find someone. I promise".

   "Well, you better do it quickly, Mr. Lightwood. Our official rehearsals will only start in two weeks, but I was supposed to have decided on the full cast today. Now, I can wait a little longer, but not _that much_ longer - that means until the end of this week, at best. I have a _lot_ to do and I _need_ to have the full cast settled down by this weekend".

   "I--I can do that" Alec said, but his voice was shaky; he didn't sound so sure. "That's fine".

   "Well, then we'll meet again on Friday. If by then you have found someone who can help you overcome your special difficulties and get ready to properly act on a stage, then the part's yours. If not... _Well_ , when the rehearsals begin, it's all going to be very rushed, and we just won't have enough time to spend teaching you how to move yourself around, you know what I mean? I need everyone to be 100% ready to give their all and follow my directions". 

   Upon hearing that, Alec looked a little upset, and Magnus felt bad for him. He quickly cut the teacher off, saying:

   "I think Alec understood. I'm sure he'll be able to find someone who's willing to help him, won't you Alec?" 

   "Uh... Yeah. I sure will" The taller boy responded, before coughing a little bit. 

   "Meet me here again on Friday after class, Mr. Lightwood" The teacher said, while grabbing her purse from her seat and putting it on her shoulder, turning around to leave. "I hope to receive good news. It would be a _shame_ to lose your talent due to a lack of proper assistance. Good luck". 

   "Thank you, Ms. Ashdown". 

   When she left through the double metal doors, Magnus looked over at Alec, who still hadn't moved from his spot on the stage.

   "Do you want me to walk you out?" He offered.

   "No, it's okay, don't bother. I have my stick here, thanks" Alec said, while carefully coming down the wooden steps. 

   "It won't bother me at all" Magnus said, approaching him. "Here, take my arm".

   Alec sighed, dismantling his walking stick and putting his hand around Magnus' right arm.

   "Thank you" He said. "I really do _not_ like using this stick, to be fair". 

   "I figured".

   They walked slowly from the stage to the doors in an awkward silence. When they finally got to the amphitheater's exit, Magnus said:

   "Will you be able to find someone to help you?"

   Alec licked his lips and hesitated, but said:

   "Yeah. I'm sure one of my friends can".

   "Good. Your performance was, um... _Really great_. I really hope you make it to the cast".

   "Thank you. I didn't watch yours, but I'm sure you earned your spot". 

   They stayed silent for a few more seconds, staring at the empty hallways of the school until Alec finally let go of his arm and said:

   "Well, it was nice to see you again, Magnus. I have to go. Isabelle's waiting for me outside. See ya". 

   He grabbed his walking stick again, letting it touch the ground as he walked away towards the school's exit.

   "See ya, Alexander".

 

*******

 

**Thursday, 4:30 PM**

 

   "No need to be shy, Magnus" Isabelle said as she guided him to her living room, quickly getting her backpack off her shoulder and throwing it on the leather sofa as they entered. "My parents aren't home, so you don't have to worry about being formal either. We can have some fun". 

   As Isabelle grabbed a remote from the center table to turn on the stereo, the voice of Tove Lo meeting their ears, Magnus looked around him, at the infamous Lightwoods' house. It wasn't exactly humble - _surely_ not like his apartment -, but it wasn't too luxurious either. The furniture was very nice, but not _too_ fancy; the TV in front of the couch was average-size, the living room and the dining room were conjoined, and there was certainly a lot of glass going on in a lot of places, which made him slightly nervous as he sat down and let his own bag slip off his shoulder. Everything on the house seemed to indicate a very comfortable financial state, but one that still demanded some working - they didn't seem to have yet reached the level of wealth where you can just have other people work for your comfort; which made sense, considering they were lawyers. They probably made a good income, but still had to work like crazy in order to maintain their well-being.

   Magnus wouldn't normally care about picking on all of these details, but it was just that the Lightwoods had such a name on their school and an almost _mythical_ aura around them; it just made him so inappropriately _curious_ to know _everything_ about them. 

   "I'm gonna go make us something to drink before we go to our room to start our fun. Don't worry, no alcohol" Isabelle said, smiling. "You can watch TV in the meantime. Feel free! You're at home!"

   Magnus thanked her with a shy grin, hoping that her juice-preparing skills were at least a little superior to her food-preparing ones. He looked over at the TV remote in front of him, but the music coming out of the speakers of their Home Theatre was good, and he was jamming to it, so he decided not to turn on the television. He looked to his side, at the glass wall separating the living room from the yard, and his eyes captured a tall, familiar silhouette with his back turned to him; Alec was sitting on one of the craft chairs in front of the pool, his right hand on his cheek. Magnus got up the couch and walked to the yard to greet the boy - he couldn't pass as an inpolite son of a bitch _twice_ on the same week. 

   "Thoughtful?" He inquired, approaching the chair next to Alec and sitting on it.

   " _Magnus_!" The other boy exclaimed, smiling and putting his sunglasses on, but not moving his head. "You scared me!"

   "Oh, sorry. I should have made my arrival a little slower". 

   "No, it's okay. Usually I would be able to tell you were coming by your smell, but I'm a little lost in my thoughts today".

   He seemed a little downcast when he said that, his thick eyebrows frowned.

   "Is something wrong?" Magnus asked, concerned. 

   Alec stretched himself on his chair, biting his lip.

   "No, it's fine".

   "You don't look fine" Magnus insisted. "I mean, I know we're not really close, so... Um, I guess you don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to. I'm sorry".

   Alec sighed and turned his head to face Magnus.

   "It's... About that thing with Ms. Ashdown. She told me I had until tomorrow to find someone who could help me with the theater thing, remember? Otherwise, I lose the part".

   Magnus nodded.

   "And you haven't found anyone?" He guessed, and Alec shook his head in confirmation. "Really? _No one_?"

   Alec swallowed.

   "Yeah, no one. I asked Lydia, Underhill, and a few other people from school who always hang out with us. They all came up with excuses. I mean, I guess some of them _did_ have their reasons, but... I could just tell that a lot of them simply did _not_ care enough to".

   Magnus felt hurt for him. 

   "Are you sure you asked all of them? I mean, you guys have a _lot_ of acquaintances..."

   "No" Alec admitted. "I didn't. After asking a few of them and getting these _not so encouraging_ responses, I didn't feel like asking the others. I... I know it may sound stupid, but I was a little _embarrassed_ to. Simon's been busy with his job, and all Jace and Clary can think about right now it's going out on dates with each other, so... I don't wanna feel like even more of a burden".

   That was a feeling Magnus not only understood, but could relate to. Still, it upset him to see Alec feel that way. It wasn't right. 

   "You're not a burden" He said.

   "Yes, I am. I'm always bringing so much difficulties into people's lives... Even our fucking acting teacher". 

   "Hey" Magnus said, touching Alec's leg to offer the boy some support and hoping that wasn't too far - he didn't really know what was and wasn't allowed with straight boys. "Don't feel bad. Difficulties are a part of life. That's just what life is, we're all getting this bunch of difficulties thrown our away on the daily and trying to deal with it, and it's not always someone's fault. Besides, it's not really a sacrifice when you have to do certain efforts for the ones you love. You just do it gladly. You think the lives of the people around you would be any easier without you? That's just _not_ true. They would still have thousands of tiring battles to fight anyway, because that's just how it is. If anything, their lives would be _harder_ , without someone who's so special".

   Alec turned his head to Magnus and stayed silent for a few seconds.

   "To them" Magnus nervously added, coughing. "I mean, someone who's so special _to them_ ".

   Alec took a deep breath and Magnus was satisfied to see a grin appear on his face.

   "You have a way with words." He told Magnus. "Thank you for being so kind. But, anyway... I really wanted this part. I have been forcing myself not to approach theater for _so long_ , and now I have my parents' permission, and this is so important to me, it's such a huge step towards my freedom, you know... But I guess a boy like me can't dream too big".

   Magnus frowned, feeling terrible for Alec.

   "Hey, don't say that. What about your family? Why don't you ask them to help you?"

   Alec chuckled.

   "No, there's _no way_. Isabelle's been sort of a mess lately due to some... _Personal stuff._ Max is only a video games-loving 12 year old, and my parents are always working like crazy. I guess I'll just have to say goodbye to that wish."

   Magnus couldn't see Alec's eyes at the moment, but if he had to guess, he'd bet they were starting to get wet. He felt so bad for Alec. He _knew_ what it was like to have dreams bigger than your life situation. He knew what it was like to feel lonely, and like a burden. He _didn't_ know what it felt like to be a blind aspiring actor, but he could sympathize, and he knew by that point that Alec _was_ a very nice boy who deserved great things. 

   Magnus definitely knew, inside of him, what his answer had to be at that exact moment. There was only _one_ thing to do. It was the _right_ thing to do. He wouldn't be himself if he didn't do that. He just needed to reunite his inner strength to do it, because it could feel like he was doing too much.

   "No, you don't" He said. He tried not to let his voice shake. "I can help you".

   Alec raised his eyebrows.

   "Magnus, you don't have to-"

   "I know. But I _want_ to. You deserve this. I want to help you. I've been there before, and... You're a nice person. Let me help you". 

   Alec opened his mouth, hesitating. He licked his lips and said:

   "Are you sure? It's not going to be _easy_ , Magnus... You heard what Ms. Ashdown said, there's a _lot_ of barriers I need to overcome..."

   "I know. But I don't mind. I am a very idle individual anyway, you see. It may actually be good, you know, having something to work on" He joked, smiling to see he'd managed to obtain a chuckle from Alec.

   "I--I... I don't know what to say, Magnus. Thank you _so much_. You didn't have to be so kind". 

   "Nonsense. This will be fun. Your talent plus my talent, and we'll be _unstoppable_ ".

   Alec smiled once again - a very warm, joyful smile. Magnus liked that.

   "We can meet at my place, if that's okay with you?" Magnus offered. "My grandfather works all day on Saturday, so we'll have the house to ourselves. Maybe we can start by rehearsing our lines? I can talk to a friend who may be able to get you a braille script of Hamlet".

   "Yeah" Alec nodded, happy. "That sounds good. Thank you _so, so much_ again".

   "You're welcome, Alexander. Now, tomorrow you go to Ms. Ashdown and you tell her that you have found someone to assist you".

   The way in which Alec nervously bit his lips at him, it was like he was _desperately_ grateful for what Magnus was doing, _desperately_ holding onto him for some hope. Magnus was happy to represent that for him, and he could relate. He feared that his life was slowly being sucked into a black hole, and maybe that was what he needed - someone to _help_ , someone else to think about. To get out of his own mind a little bit and maybe hopefully escape his dark fears. Alec and him were practically strangers until a few days before, but Magnus felt like the boy was someone he could rely on. Someone who'd feel good to be around.

   He was definitely excited to start that journey.  
  
  
  
  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so here's the other update I promised for this week! I can't guarantee it, but since I need some distraction from the fact that an anti-lgbt fascist motherfucker is probably headed to win the elections in my country, you guys can probably expect chapter 4 to come out today or tomorrow. Anyways, thanks as usual for everyone who's taking their time to read my story and special thanks to those who leave kudos, bookmarks and comments, I really appreciate them very much. I hope you guys continue to enjoy this as much as I do and don't forget to share your thoughts down below <3 (pretty please)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'This could be the start  
> of something new  
> It feels so right  
> to be here with you'

**Saturday, 2:15 PM**

 

Alec laid his hands on his lap and took a deep breath, stretching himself on the couch and trying to absorb all the smells around the small living room and maybe paint a picture of it on his head. The place smelled like coffee and old wood. Magnus was on the kitchen, grabbing some tea. Alec still couldn't believe Magnus was doing that for him. The pictures on his head were now bright and pretty, and he couldn't help but smile all the time since Friday, extremely excited. He would be eternally grateful to Magnus for allowing him to embrace that opportunity.

   It wasn't too long until he felt the smell of nail polish and sandalwood again - which was now almost making into his list of most memorable, unmistakable smells.

   "You sure you don't want some tea?" Magnus asked him, as Alec felt him sitting by his side on the small sofa and putting something - probably a cup, he figured - over the table in front of them. "I don't like to brag about my abilities, but this is _really_ good".

   Alec chuckled.

   "No, thanks" He said. "I mean, I'm not questioning your talents, but I was never really into tea".

   He heard Magnus gasping.

   " _Excuse me_? I'm sorry, but you have to get the hell out of my apartment right now".

   Alec laughed.

   "I'm... I'm sorry. We can't all be perfect, can we? The sandalwood smells good, though. I just don't wanna taste it".

   He could hear Magnus taking a sip of the tea before he put it back on the table and said:

   "You're right, we can't all have taste. Just kidding. If your decision to act on Hamlet says anything, you do have _some_ taste. Now why don't we get started on this?"

   The sound of Magnus flipping pages of paper filled the room, and soon Alec felt the other boy putting some of them on his lap.

   "Here's your script." The boy told him. "I _really_ hope the translation is not fucked up, I did it on this website that I found the other day. It wasn't _super easy_ finding a place that could print it in braille, but with a little help from my best friend Dot, I found it".

   As Alec slid his fingers through the content on the thin warm paper, he couldn't believe someone was _actually_ doing that for him - someone who he had practically just met. Was he being too much trouble for Magnus?, he couldn't help but wonder.

   "You could've just asked me" He told Magnus. "I would tell you were to do it and would've saved you the effort".

   "I'm all for effort" Magnus quickly replied, in a playful tone. "Don't worry, I enjoy exploring the city. I don't have a lot of opportunities to do it".

   Alec couldn't help but smile, once again overwhelmed by the way Magnus refused to acknowledge any of the efforts that he was doing for him as even remotely difficult. Alec really wasn't used to feeling so... genuinely _cherished_. Not by people from school, anyway.

   "I really can't thank you enough for all of this, Magnus".

   "Well, I would really appreciate it if you stopped thanking me for a while, Alexander." He answered, calmly. "I know you're grateful, and I appreciate the sentiment, but like I said, it's no big deal. That's just me. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing such a talent go to waste. I have good will and I'm consciously letting you use it because I think you dessrve it. Now, shall we begin?"

   Alec nodded, flipping the front page of his script as Magnus continued:

   "Why don't you start by helping me going over some of my lines and then I help you with yours? I'll let my script down and go over them while you check them for me on your script. And _please_ don't be afraid to interrupt me at any minor mistake - I'm a perfectionist".

   Alec heard Magnus putting his own script down on the center table. The tall boy then started running his right index finger through the first page.

   "Okay" He told Magnus "But I hope you know that my reading in braille is a little bit _slower_ , so you might wanna be patient".

   "No problem with that". Alec could tell that Magnus was smiling through his voice, and with that, he just couldn't bring himself to feel guilty or like a burden anymore. When Magnus spoke, his genuine kindness and willingness was just very clear and undeniable. Alec actually felt like he didn't _deserve_ all of that kindness, but at least he knew that Magnus wasn't having a hard time.

   For the next couple hours, the two of them just went back and forth with rehearsing each other's lines; Alec would help Magnus go over his lines as Hamlet for one entire act, correcting him when needed, then Magnus did the same for Alec for one entire act as  well, and they went on this way until they were halfway through the play.

   It flied by incredibly quickly for Alec, but then suddenly Magnus sighed and said:

   " _Wow_ , we've been doing this for a long time. I think we should rest a little bit. Are you hungry? 'Cause I _sure_ am. I'm gonna go grab us some cookies".

   Like the super worried host that he was, Magnus got up from the couch before Alec could even answer that he actually _was_ , indeed, a little hungry. He dropped his script at the table and crossed his legs. Soon, Magnus was back and Alec heard the sound of a metal plate being placed in front of them. The cookies smelled industrial, definitely, but good.

   "Please serve yourself" Magnus said, and Alec readily stretched out his arm to reach for one of them. As both the boys noisily chewed, Alec said:

   "I'm really excited for this. I feel like we're going _really well_ so far. At first, when Ms. Ashdown said those things, I was a little put down by all the difficulties, but now I'm really hopeful. I'm just _fascinated_ by this character, and this story, and... Even the thought of being on stage is looking a little attractive to me now".

   He talked almost like a child, completely obsessed and thrilled over that, but he just couldn't _contain_ his joy. Magnus chuckled, friendly. "It's great to see that you have passion" He said. "Yeah, I agree. We're on the righ direction and this could turn out to be really great. And I'm sure you have nothing to fear about exposing yourself on the spotlight. I bet everyone will be _delighted_ to look at Mr. Lightwood a little more".

   Alec sighed in discontent with the direction Magnus took the conversation, half-jokingly and half serious.

   "Oh, _don't start_ with that again. You know it annoys me" He said.

   "I'm sorry. I don't mean to annoy you. But you know it's the truth, right?"

   "Yeah. I told you, I _know_ that a lot of people at school are _obsessed_ with my... _Shell_. I just don't like thinking about it. I don't _like_ it".

   He heard Magnus licking his lips as he finished eating a cookie.

   "Can I say something?" He asked Alec. "I'm kinda _glad_ you don't. I mean, I'm not glad that you feel _annoyed_ about it, but... I just used to think that you were probably one of those kids that acted like their shit don't stink because everyone is always _all over_ them. I'm glad to find out that I was wrong. To know that you're... A _deeper_ person. Someone who actually values other stuff more".

   Alec bit his lip and nodded. He was glad that Magnus wasn't that type of person, either. It made it relieving for Alec to be around him. He smiled at Magnus.

   "If it helps... I like to think that _I'm_ like that, too" Magnus added. "That I'm someone who's able to look beyond people's _shells_ , like you said".

   "I'm glad you are". Alec answered. He really meant it. He was grateful that he now got to be around someone who could help him get his mind out of those things. He wanted to thank him again, but then he remembered that Magnus had asked him not to, so he just shut his mouth.

   "I mean, that doesn't make me any less prone to suffering, though" Magnus continued. When he said that, his voice didn't sound like he was smiling anymore - it sounded like genuine _sadness_.

   "Are you okay?" He asked Magnus. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

   Magnus took a deep breath.

   "No, it's stupid. You're not here for me to engage you on my silly dramas".

   "Well, we _did_ do a lot today already, you said it yourself. I think we have time to discuss other stuff. I'm not always able to _help_ , but I'm a good listener. Sometimes just having someone to talk to helps. Just like I talked to you about my feelings regarding how people look at me. I mean, only if you _want_ to, of course".

   He heard Magnus opening his mouth, and then closing it again. The boy hesitated for a few more seconds before finally saying:

   "It's Raphael. He's on our year, but I don't know if you know who he is".

   "I don't know who a lot of people on school are" Alec admitted. "But go on. What did he do?"

   "Oh, nothing" Magnus quickly said. "He did _nothing_. _I did_. Something _very_ stupid. We... I, I told him that I was having feelings for him. I just _couldn't_ keep it to myself, you know, he's one of my closest friends. I couldn't keep this away from him".

   Alec nodded, paying close attention.

   "And... It didn't go well?" He inquired.

   Magnus chuckled.

   "Something like that" He said. "You see... Raphael is _not_ interested in having relationships with _anyone_ whatsoever. Sexual _or_ romantic. And I _knew_ that. I mean, we've been friends for 10 years, I knew it before _anyone else_ did. But still... I'm just so _stupid_. I couldn't help but _crave_ him. I'm... _Disgusting_. I let myself crave my friend in a way that I _knew damn well_ that he would _never_ reciprocate. And now he won't even talk to me anymore. He's not mad, but he's obviously _uncomfortable_ , and now I've created such a _huge_ level of awkwardness that our decade-old friendship may be ruined".

   Alec twisted his mouth, feeling bad for Magnus. _Oh boy_ , could he relate to that. He knew the feeling _too damn well_. He'd been there, _exactly_ where Magnus where - he _still_ _was_ \- for years now. It really _sucked_. If only he could feel brave enough to share that with Magnus...

   "Speaking of awkwardness" Magnus said, with an uncomfortable giggle. "I probably just made you really uncomfortable right now. I'm sorry. You don't have to deal with my complicated shit".

   "No, no, it's absolutely fine" Alec tranquilized him, touching his leg in the same way Magnus had touched his, two days before. "I was just thinking of how relatable that was. I mean, we've all been there, haven't we?"

   Magnus chuckled.

   "You mean being into someone whose sexual identity _literally_ makes it impossible for them to wanna be with you? Have you ever been in love with a gay girl or something, Alexander?"

   Alec felt his stomach twisting. He could actually start nervous laughing right there. _"No, but I think I might be currently in love with a straight boy_ " he wanted to say. He knew Magnus, of all people, was someone who he could feel _safe_ in confessing that. But still, he just _couldn't_ bring himself to say those words out loud yet. It was _so hard_ even _thinking_ of getting it off his chest.

   "I--I mean..." He stammered, swallowing his words. "I don't know what I can say, Magnus. Except... Be patient, I guess. I'm sure he still cares about you. You don't just cancel a ten year old friendship like that. He will look for you again one of these days, I'm sure".

   "I actually don't know what's more hurtful" Magnus pointed out. "The thought of being without him for _God knows how longer_... Or the thought of actually being _around_ him again, knowing that what I feel for him right now will _forever_ be unrequited. I'm so _dumb_ ".

   Alec sighed. This was now triggering his _own_ anguishes. Magnus was hitting _too_ _close_ to home. _Fuck_.

   "I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, Magnus. Emotions are complicated. We don't always have control over them. But sometimes... That's all they are. Emotions. I'm sure you'll eventually be able to face Raphael without feeling any sort of pain or longing. It may take a while or it could happen sooner than we think, but you'll get there. And then, before you realize, you'll find someone who cherishes you _just as much_ as you cherish them. I mean, you are... Very _kind_ and _unique_. _Anyone_ would be lucky to have you".

   Magnus stayed silent for a while.

   "You really think so?"

   "Yeah". He heard Magnus chuckling again, and he was definitely smiling now. Alec could tell.

   "Thank you, Alec. You're a very special boy, yourself. I'm sure Lydia can testify to that". He said, laughing.

   Alec frowned.

   " _Lydia_?" He asked.

   "Uh, I mean... I just always sort of _assumed_ that you guys were a thing?"

   Alec laughed.

   "No, no, we... I mean, I think she _would_ like us to be a thing, but nah. We're not really. We've kissed once, but... I'm not really interested in her. Never was. I let her be around me and... _Enjoy my company_ , I guess. But I don't want to go any further than that, and she knows it".

   "Oh, I see". Magnus said.

    _'Because I'm not interested in girls like that_ ' He desperately wanted to add. ' _I'm into boys_ _only_ '. But he didn't say anything else. ' _I'm_ _such a coward_ '.

   They talked for a little while longer - this time, about lighter subjects, such as the play, the movies that were on TV, their teachers, stuff like that. Alec felt that monster stuck on his throat for the rest of the afternoon - he wanted to bring it up _so bad._ He wanted to let Magnus know that they had a struggle in common, he wanted to just feel what it would be like to _finally_ put that out in the open for someone, and for someone who he _knew_ that could be trusted, but he just _couldn't_. He didn't have the _guts_. Everytime an opportunity appeared, popping up on Alec's mind, he was quick to change subjects.

   Before he could tell, his phone was vibrating, and his parents were calling him, demanding that he went home from Jace's place - where he lied to be. He didn't want his parents to know that he was using someone's assistance on the task that they had given him, and sadly, he didn't feel like his mom would react well to knowing he was at Magnus' place. So Alec called Isabelle and had her pick him up. As he said goodbye to Magnus, who had walked him the way out, he couldn't help but feel that urge once again; as expected, however, he just didn't have the guts do it.

  "Fuck it" He thought to himself as Isabelle started the car and they left. "I need to do it. I... Want to do this."

  _"I want to come out to Magnus"._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO chapters? In less than a day? It's more likely than you think! Anyways, as you guys can tell I'm clearly a pathetic bitch because I opened this chapter with a High School Musical song and I'm not ashamed of it one bit. Anyways, a rather simple chapter, smaller than the other ones, but I hope you guys enjoy it regardless! And please please please comment your thoughts and feelings because that keeps me going! don't be shy to tell me what you're thinking, even the smallest comment means a lot to me, and thank you to all of you beautiful readers <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Gimme love, gimme dreams  
> Gimme a good self-esteem  
> Gimme good and pure  
> what you waiting for?  
> Gimme everything  
> All your heart can print  
> Something good and true  
> I don't wanna feel blue anymore'

**Monday, 12 AM**

 

"And just how big and fancy is their house?" Dot enquired amidst all the noise on the cafeteria, her eyes open wide in pure fascination as she leaned over to listen to Magnus closer, her right hand on her chin. 

Magnus sighed and rolled his eyes at her.

"I've _told you,_ Dot" He said, his teeth clenched in annoyance as he laid his eyes on his tray to pick a somewhat edible toast "Bigger than you and I are used to, but not a millionaire mansion". 

"I'm sorry, it's just that I'm so _mesmerized_ by all of this!" She said, smiling with excitement. _"You,_ Magnus Bane, hanging out at the fucking Lightwoods' place! And just last week, right here on this very table, you were telling me and Simon about how you wanted to _kill_ them all! You understand that it's a _lot_ to digest, right?"

Magnus raised his eyebrows.

"Well, if you're talking about your game, I'm still not sure if I would fuck or marry any of them" He said. "But, um... yeah, Alec and Isabelle are not _unbearable_ to be around, I guess?"

Dot roller her eyes and chuckled. 

" _Shut up!_ You're totally best friends with them now. You just don't wanna give in because of your _uncool kid_ status".

"Hey, don't mock my career!" He threw a small piece of toast at her, and she threw it right back at his face. _"Best friends_ is a reach. Isabelle and I are trying to establish a friendship, and Alec... I don't know, we're _sorta_ friends, I guess? More like acquaintances, I think". 

Magnus really wasn't sure. He _did_ like Alec and _hoped_ that they could be considered friends, but they had only really hung out once, during that group trip to the mall, and he wasn't certain if going to his house to see Isabelle or helping him with theater stuff classified as friendship. Dot frowned at him, confused.

"You're helping him _a lot_ with his role on the play, and you're doing it out of nothing but good will. If that's not being a friend, I don't know what it is" She stated.

"I don't wanna act like I'm being this super generous hero" He quickly said. "I'm just being a good person and helping someone in my reach that deserves such help". 

"Yeah, but that's _not_ something everyone would do" She insisted. "You said it yourself, even his _loyal followers_ didn't want to. You may not think that what you're doing is a big deal, Magnus, but... It kinda _is"._

Magnus turned his head back to look over at the royal table, thoughtful. Alec was deeply engaged in a conversation with Jace, who was sitting right next to him, his brows frowned in deep concentration. Isabelle showed Clary something on her phone, both girls laughing, and Simon looked at the red-haired one with yearning eyes. At the left end of the table, Underhill was focused on eating his enchiladas. 

"I guess you could say so" Magnus pondered. "I mean, we _did_ share some personal stuff, about, you know, heartbreaks and about how he hates that a lot of his relevance on school is based on his looks". 

"Ooooooh, opening up to Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome already" She teased, and Magnus gave her the middle finger. "See? _I told you!_ So he really _isn't_ an entitled shit. Do you think he's straight?" 

Magnus thought for a second.

"I don't know. I guess so? I don't really care. He's not an asshole, for what I can tell. That's enough for me". 

_"Of course_ he's not an asshole. I know Magnus Bane would _never_ spend his precious time offering that much help to an asshole. He better be grateful for what you're doing! The way I see it, it should earn you a spot on the royal table. Just saying". 

Magnus chuckled.

"Technically, I _do_ have a spot on the royal table" He remembered. "Isabelle herself told me I should hang with them. But you know I would never leave you for the cool kids, my love". 

He reached for her hand to touch it affectionately and turned his head to stare at the Lightwoods and their associates once again. And _fuck,_ Isabelle caught him staring. She was now smiling at him and signing for him to go sit next to her. 

"Oh my god, what was I just saying?" Dot exclaimed with excitement on her eyes. "What you waiting for? Go! She's calling you!" 

"Dot, _no!"_ He let go of her hand and said firmly. "Are you _insane?_ I'm not gonna _leave_ you! You're still my best friend!"

She laughed and rolled her eyes at him.

"Don't be such a drama queen, Magnus! I'll be fine! I still have Raphael and Camille, and the girls from french. We can survive a little while without each other. Now go!"

Magnus opened his mouth to answer her, but he was stumbling across his words. Was that _okay?_

"Dot, I... I'm not sure I should sit on that table..."

"Why not?" She insisted. "You've already been seen on their car and hanging around with them at the mall. This is only the natural follow-up. Hurry up or she'll think you're being rude!"

He took a deep breath, looking from Isabelle to Dot and from Dot back to Isabelle, the dilemma driving him crazy. 

_"Fine"_ he said, starting to get up from his seat. "But this is a one-time thing. I'm not about to replace you, okay? It's still us against the world". 

"Yeah, yeah" She whispered back at him, starting to get up too. "I'll survive. Love you". 

"I love you too".

Magnus' eyes followed Dot as she walked away towards Raphael on the other side of the cafeteria - but he didn't want to look at Raphael, so he turned away and moved to the Lightwoods' table. 

"Hey Magnus!" Isabelle quickly greeted him, with a large smile on her face, as everyone else on the table stopped their chatting to look at him. "Come here, sit with us"

The boy timidly waved hello to everyone and proceeded to sit next to her, on the spot that she was indicating. 

"Well, hello, Magnus" Alec said, interrupting his chat with Jace to smile at him. 

"Hey there, Alexander". 

"So, Magnus" Isabelle said, putting her hand on his lap. "You have to tell Clary about that product you use for blending. It's revolutionary!"

Clary looked at Magnus and he chuckled. For the next few minutes, the girls and him talked about makeup, blending tips and all sorts of trivial stuff. At one point, Lydia came out of God knows where and joined their table. She and Magnus greeted each other awkwardly, and she proceeded to sit next to Alec. The blonde girl tried to kiss him on the cheek, but he gently moved away as soon as he felt her getting closer, which almost made Magnus want to chuckle, but it was a rather _sad_ situation. He remembered what Alec had told him about Lydia at his apartment on Saturday. He really wasn't showing any interest in her whatsoever, and she tried to keep it cool, always smiling and laughing.

It didn't take long before Lydia was also engaged on their conversation, excitingly joining Clary and Isabelle on their questioning Magnus for makeup and beauty tips. This time, he _did_ feel a little bit annoyed by that - by how they couldn't seem to take interest in anything else about him. But maybe they were just trying to be friends with him and didn't have enough common ground except for that, he thought. It didn't make it any less uncomfortable, though, and he internally questioned whether or not he should be sitting there, even though he was friendly enough to keep the conversation going. 

Magnus couldn't deny, though, that he wanted to be sitting there, because he wanted to see Alec. He couldn't _help it._ The boy kept on sparkling his curiosity more and more. He felt like Alec had so many hidden layers to him, and he was so _interested_ in learning about all of them. 

Alec, however, didn't talk to him much on that morning. Sometimes he would turn his head to where Magnus was sitting, as if he wanted to stare at him, but he didn't, at any point, interrupt his conversation to speak to him, and Magnus didn't know how to do that either, so it turned out to be a little awkward. 

When Isabelle and Clary engaged in a very cheerful conversation about the newest Netflix original show, which Magnus hadn't watched, he picked up his phone from inside his pocket to try and escape from the awkwardness and the feeling of being _the outcast._ He robotically typed his password onto the screen and proceeded to scroll through his Facebook news feed. He quickly regretted doing that. 

He had stopped following Raphael's posts for the sake of his own well being, but he couldn't just expect Dot to police what she posted because of him. Magnus clicked on the pictures and scrolled through them, one by one, his heart getting heavier with each one. There it was, Dot, Raphael, Camille and Simon - and even Ragnor, who he hadn't seen in years - all cheerful and laughing, reunited in a bowling cafe. On the photos description, Dot wished Raphael a happy birthday with a heartfelt little text. He seemed happy. Joyful. _Without him._

Magnus took a deep breath and bit his fist, hoping the toasts he had just eaten didn't come out of his throat. That was a little something to process.

_What a way to start the week._

 

***

 

 **4:40 PM**

 

Magnus put his phone down on the center table and closed his eyes, taking deep, heavy breaths. He would have to stop staring at those pictures eventually. It had kept him distracted through the entirety of his afternoon classes - even _Art,_ for Christ's sake. Why couldn't he stop doing that to himself?

Being away from Raphael and unable to talk to him on his birthday had been hard enough. Seeing that the boy had went out with all of their friends and deliberately left him behind hurt _so much more._ I mean, he should have expected it. _Why_ would he invite Magnus?

_"Because we're fucking friends since forever"._ No, he had to be empathetic. Raphael was uncomfortable. He needed his time. But _fuck,_ it hurt so much.

"Why didn't Dot and Simon tell me?" He thought to himself. Okay, he knew the answer to that; they probably didn't want to upset him. _"Hey, we just hung out with Raphael for his birthday! It was super fun! He didn't want to invite you, by the way"._ Yeah, it would sound _odd._ But then to just post it like that on Facebook? She _had_ to know that it would upset him.

But Magnus had to let it go. He couldn't get upset at Dot and risk losing one more friendship. Still, he couldn't help the tears from streaming down his face, ruining his eyeliner. He let it sink in, the hot liquid filling his eyes as he covered his mouth with his hand, sobbing a little. 

On the table, his phone started vibrating. His heart jumped a little bit as he picked it up; he couldn't help but feel a little hopeful.

It was an audio message from Alec. Magnus pressed play and heard the boy's shy voice saying:

"Hey, Magnus, it's me. I'm here, at the door".

_Shit._ He was so wrapped up in his sadness that he had completely forgotten that Alec was supposed to stop by his place after school to rehearse their lines. 

He quickly replied Alec with "On my way" as he rushed over to the bathroom, to blow his nose and try to clean the eyeliner stains from his face. Alec couldn't see him, but Isabelle was probably down there to drop him by, and Magnus didn't want her to see him like that. 

He hastily rubbed it off with some toilet paper and tossed it on the trash, running to the kitchen and then down the stairs to the front door, which he unlocked nervously.

"Hey!" He said as he was greeted by Alec's warm smile. 

"Hey! Sorry I'm a little late". 

"No problem" Magnus said, as he waved at Isabelle, who was inside the car. "My grandfather won't be home until 7. Come in, let's go". 

"Have fun, boys!" Isabelle said with a friendly grin as she started the car and waved goodbye at them.

Magnus helped Alec climb the stairs and guided him to his living room. When Alec sat on his couch, he excused himself to go to his room and pick up their scripts. When he came back and sat next to the taller boy, the papers on his hands, Alec said:

"You sound like you were crying. Is everything okay?" 

_Fuck._ Could that boy be any less perceptive? 

"Oh no, it's fine" Magnus tried to conceal, sniffing. "Just some allergies". 

Alec frowned.

"Are you sure? I mean, I guess you don't _have_ to share anything with me unless you're comfortable to, but we had quite a nice conversation Saturday, didn't we? Like I said before... Talking helps".

Magnus sighed and bit his lips, considering. He _did_ feel like he needed to get it off his chest, just _vent_ about it to someone. And Dot surely wasn't an option in that case.

"Does it have something to do with Raphael?" 

Magnus wasn't able to contain a chuckle. Apparently, he _couldn't_ be any less perceptive. With that, Magnus just started letting it all out:

"It was just this stupid post on Facebook of him celebrating his birthday with our friends. I mean, I didn't _expect_ to be invited to celebrate it with him, but I guess seeing it with my eyes made it all more... _Concrete._ And it _hurt._ A lot. To feel just excluded from his life, you know?"

He took a deep breath, and shit, he was starting to sob again. Alec touched his leg, and he couldn't lie, he could get used to that affectionate touch. 

"I--I..." He was now trying really hard not to cry like a baby. "The thing is... I was in a very vulnerable state when I started developing these feelings for him, you know? It was probably just an emotional reaction to all the pain that I was experiencing at the time. I was feeling alone, and needy. And now... To know that it may just have made my best friend not wanna be around me at all anymore... Gosh, I _hate_ myself for it". 

"Don't say that" Alec told him, his eyebrows frowned. "He should understand. Maybe he does... I don't know. Things are complicated". 

"Yeah, _tell me about it"_ Magnus chuckled. He then looked at the roof and opened his mouth, taking a deep breath again. "I wish he would just talk to me, you know? Just say something. Anything. Anything hurts less than the quiet. I swear I'd be perfectly happy to be just friends with him right now. _Nothing_ can be worse than this". 

He turned his head to look at Alec again, and he could tell that the boy was uncomfortable, his mouth twisted as if he was searching for something to say that could be helpful but just couldn't think of anything. 

"I'm sorry" Magnus said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. "You can't help me. And that's okay. That's not something for you to worry about. I promise this was the last time that I made you come to my house to bother you with my personal drama". 

Alec pressed his leg a little tighter and said:

"Don't ever apologize for feeling stuff. I wish I _could_ help. You've been so _nice_ to me, and I really wish I could do something to cheer you up just like you did to me. And don't worry, I don't mind listening to you. I mean, I would prefer it if you weren't sad, but you don't need to conceal it because you're afraid of bothering me. You're not". 

Magnus looked at him, smiling. He liked that Alec had told him not to apologize for his feelings. That was something no one had ever told him before, and that he felt like he really _needed_ to hear at that particular moment, for some reason. It helped a little.

"You're a very precious soul, Alec Lightwood. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Alec grinned shyly, and started blushing.

"No" He said. "Thank you". 

Magnus quicky shook it off and changed subjects, stopping his crying and moving on to rehearse with Alec. 

And so they did, rehearsing with deep concentration as if nothing had happened. When Alec's cellphone announced, in a robotic female voice, that it was 6 PM, he said:

"Wow, this always flies by so fast".

"That's what happens when you have passion" Magnus noted, chuckling. 

Alec chuckled back at him, but then his smile was quickly replaced by an expression of concern. He coughed and said:

"I owe you an apology, Magnus". 

Magnus frowned, confused.

"Did you do something I'm not aware of?" He asked.

"I kind of ignored you at the cafeteria today, when you were sitting with us" He explained, with a very serious face. 

"Well, you didn't exactly ignore me" Magnus pointed out. "You were just... A little _shy"._

"That was not what happened" Alec insisted. "I didn't want to talk to you. I mean, I _wanted_ to, but I didn't. I was... _Afraid,_ I guess. I wasn't _embarrassed_ about you or anything, please don't get me wrong. It's just that... Everytime we encountered, we shared such _deep_ stuff. At least that's how I feel. We practically just met, but what I have shared with you already... It's a side of me that I hadn't really ever shared with anyone else. And I don't _regret_ that. But earlier today, when you were sitting there with us, it was such a _different_ environment, y'know? Such a different _vibe._ It's not a context that I feel super comfortable in. And I was _nervous_ to talk to you there because I didn't wanna share that different part of me in that environment. It made me anxious. I mean, it's still _not_ an excuse, it was a dick move, and I'm sorry. I swear I won't do that next time. Please don't think I'm an asshole". 

"It's okay" Magnus said. "I didn't feel like you were ignoring me. But I understand why you felt this way".

Magnus thought about what Alec had just told him for a few moments. He was right; they had, _in fact,_ shared some deep stuff with each other. Magnus definitely didn't think, one week ago, that he'd be having that conversation with Alec Lightwood. But then again, he also didn't think that he'd be away from Raphael on his friend's birthday. 

He could definitely understand why Alec felt that way hanging out with the other kids at the royal table - he didn't see it at first, but Alec was _different._ There was something _unique_ to him. He didn't quite fit into that perfect scheme. 

"You seemed very engaged in that conversation with Izzy and Clary about makeup, though" Alec noted. 

"Well, what can I say?" Magnus laughed. "It _is_ something I'm passionate about. Speaking of it... You should be glad you can't see me right now. I cried my eyeliner all the way to my chin, I'm looking like a _mess."_

He rubbed his hands against his cheeks one more time, and his skin was now stained with black eyeliner. 

_"Ugh,_ do you mind if I go to my room for a moment to try and fix my face? I swear I'll make it quick, just a little something so I don't look like a clown anymore" He asked Alec. 

"Can I go with you?" The tall boy asked him. Magnus was surprised.

"Yeah, sure" He said, getting up and grabbing Alec's arm to guide him to his room. "Let's go". 

They walked through the dimly lit hallway together and Magnus opened the door to his room, guiding Alec inside and then following him. He sat at the small bench in front of his white dressing table and told Alec to sit next to him. 

"I always thought it was such a _fascinating_ concept" He said as Magnus grabbed his makeup items and started organizing them on the wooden surface. "You know, makeup. I can't really tell the difference it makes on someone, so I'm just very _curious_ about how it works. I can smell it, sometimes, but it doesn't really change the way I picture someone in my head, you know? I wish I could understand it a little better to paint a picture in my mind, 'cause all the memories I have from my childhood of seeing my mom wearing makeup are so vague". 

"Well" Magnus said, looking thoughtful at him. "That's interesting. Do you want me to maybe introduce you to some of the items I have?" 

"Yeah, that would be cool, actually" He said, smiling out from ear to ear, his very white teeth shining under the soft light of the sunset that entered trough Magnus' half-closed window.

"Okay". Magnus was excited. That would be fun. It was one thing to talk about it with straight girls, but to talk about it with _Alec,_ who had no idea of how any of it worked, made him _thrilled._ "I must warn you first that I don't have the best makeup items, just some very cheap and basic stuff, surely nothing like what you'll find in your sister's room. But it should work to give you an overall idea on this _fascinating_ art form".

First, he grabbed his eyelid primer, handing out the bottle to Alec so he could touch it. 

"This is my eyelid primer" He said. "I apply it on my eyelids so the other products will be better fixated".

Alec touched the item curiously, grinning with pure joy, like a kid discovering puppies for the first time. 

"Okay. What's next?"

Magnus then gave him his setting powder. 

"This is my setting powder. I apply it on my eyelid with a little brush. You can open it and touch it a little if you want."

"No, it's okay" Alec said, just touching the round packing instead. "Powder makes me _nervous._ What brush do you use?"

"Great question!" Magnus smiled and grabbed his brush, handing it to Alec. Then, he proceeded to show him his eyeshadow, his smaller brush, his pallettes, his eyeliner, his body glitter, his lash mascara and his highlighter, telling the boy about the uses of each one. As Magnus taught him about his various makeup items, he fixed his own face, telling Alec about all that he was doing and how he was doing it, and the other boy just seemed to be completely _fascinated_ the whole time.

"Can you do it on me?" Alec suggested as Magnus was finishing with highlighting his face, taking him _completely_ by surprise. "I'd really like to know what it feels like. Do you mind?"

Magnus opened his mouth and hesitated. Putting a boy in makeup was something that made him _really_ excited, but it _was_ a little bit of a taboo.

"I--I mean... If that's okay? Wouldn't your parents be... _You know,_ would they be okay with it?"

Alec bit his lip.

"Well, they don't _have to know,_ do they?" He said. "I mean, you _have_ something to take it off, don't you?"

Magnus raised his eyebrows, hesitating again.

"I... Yeah, I do. But, um... Are you _sure,_ Alec?"

_"Please,_ Magnus. I _really_ wanna know what it feels like".

Magnus looked at him, and _fuck,_ he couldn't say no. And he was right, wasn't he? He had a product to get it off his face before Isabelle came to pick him up, and it was just makeup, no big deal. 

"Okay" He sighed. "Sure, why not? Can you..."

He coughed, and Alec understood. The tall boy took of his sunglasses, revealing his hazel eyes, which shined bright under the sunlight. 

"Please don't mind my eyes" He said, biting his lip nervously. "I know they're creepy as fuck." 

Magnus stared at them for a few more seconds before saying:

"Not at all. They're beautiful". 

Alec blushed again, twisting his mouth, and so did Magnus. He coughed again.

"Can you come a little closer?" He asked Alec, and the boy leaned towards him, facing Magnus with his bright eyes and thick brows.

"So, first, we're gonna use something to clean your skin". 

Magnus proceeded to prepare the other boy's skin to the makeup process, the thrill running through his veins. As he carefully applied his products on Alec's eyelids, the eyelid primer, then the setting powder, the eyeshadow, the eyeliner, the lash mascara and all the other stuff, he couldn't help but smile and chuckle, almost devilishly, at the creation being born right in front of him. Alec Lightwood, made over in Magnus Bane style.

When he was halfway done with the glitter, though, his heart started racing and almost stopped with a voice that appeared behind them and said:

"I'm sorry to walk in like this, but I've been calling Alec and he wasn't picking up, and I knocked on the door but no one heard, it was opened so I thought I'd come in to..."

Magnus turned his head immediately, and Alec did the same, both boys with a scared look on their faces. The bald bearded man at the door of Magnus' room took some time to realize what was going on before his eyes, but then he interrupted his own talking in the middle and opened his mouth in surprise.

"Um... Alec? What's going on here?"

_"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I screwed him up"_ Magnus thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to come out earlier, but my IRL political angst gave me some anxiety crisis and then I was also bummed about failing my driving test, then AO3 was acting up, BUUUT that's not why you people came here! I just wanted to let you all know that I did (and do) intend to update a little quicker, normally. Thank you all SO MUCH for the 1K+ hits and 100+ kudos like um??? what the hell??? I'm so happy??? Seriously thank you. But also don't hesitate in letting me know what you think!! I read every single review and I appreciate everything, the positive feedback, the encouragement, and the constructive criticism too =) I hope you guys are still enjoying this, there's a long way to go and a beautiful ride planned for these two. I want to put chapter 6 out real soon, I'm not sure I'll be able to do it today because I'll be out celebrating my birthday, but it should be here by Saturday, no doubt. Thank you all beautiful readers for taking your time to engage on this story and yeah, I'll see ya guys 
> 
> P.S.: I know it may be looking like I'm writing Raphael as a sort of an asshole, but trust me, that's not the case. I won't spoil much, but it will all make sense eventually and you guys will see that the current status of his friendship with Magnus is basically a big misunderstood. 
> 
> P.S. 2: Stream Froot by Marina and The Diamonds on Spotify 
> 
> P.S. 3: Go watch A Star is Born on your closest movie theater
> 
> P.S. 4: SaveShadowhunters
> 
> P.S. 5: Vote against fascist motherfuckers


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'And if you do me right  
> I'm gonna do right by you  
> And if you keep it tight  
> I'm gonna confide in you  
> I know what's on your mind  
> There will be time for that, too  
> If you hang with me'

**Monday, 6:40 PM**

"So" Robert coughed nervously besides Alec as the boy finished on cleaning his face with the piece of cotton soaked in makeup remover. "Are you gay or--"

"No" Alec quickly replied, almost automatically. The car stopped at the traffic light, and he listened to the ticking of the indicator, counting each one on his head to try and calm himself down. The way his father spoke, he couldn't tell if he was afraid or simply curious, but his immediate response was to deny it regardless, and he didn't see himself being ready to respond in any other way in the near future. "I'm not. We were just playing around. Just to... Have some laughs".

"Oh, okay" His dad said, his fingers tapping on the driving wheel. "Well, you looked... _Good"._

Robert started chuckling, and Alec bit his lip, anxious. 

"I told you, we were just messing around..."

"Don't worry, Alec. I'm not your mom. I don't care. And I won't tell her either" He cut the boy off. 

Alec nodded and sighed as the car started running again. When his dad had caught him and Magnus on that situation, both the boys were scared to death and terrified of what he would think. Alec was relieved to see that Robert didn't care and wasn't going to tell his mom; however, he was still a little bit afraid to think that he could have a hint of Alec's sexuality. Even though it didn't seem like he would have a negative reaction to it, Alec _still_ didn't feel ready to have that information out in the open for someone else. It made him _so nervous,_ as it was something that Alec _himself_ was just now coming to terms with. He started biting his nails, feeling the cold breeze of the air conditioner inside the car hit his nose.

"I can't believe Isabelle told you I was there" He said, frowning. "I _trusted_ her not to tell anyone".

"Alec, _relax."_ He insisted. "I told you, _I don't care,_ and I'm not telling Maryse. Isabelle told me because she knew it _wouldn't_ be a big deal to me. I know your mom can be a little bit _strict_ sometimes. But this Magnus, he's a cool guy, isn't he?"

Alec nodded, as firmly as he could.

"Absolutely. He's helping me _a lot_ with the things I need for the play. And we get along well. He's different than the other guys from school, and... I like that". 

"I see" Alec could hear the man opening his mouth a few times and breathing through it, as if he was thinking of something to say. The awkwardness was growing stronger each second. 

Alec threw the wet piece of cotton on the small trash bag on the shifter and opened the window on his side, even though the air conditioner was on. He put his sunglasses back on and felt the warm breeze of the twilight on his face. The pictures on his head were currently calm, but kinda shaky and distorted. Despite having his sunglasses on, he was feeling dangerously _exposed._ But at least his meetings with Magnus weren't threatened, for now. That was something he just could _not_ think of losing at that moment.

 

***

 

**Tuesday, 9:45 AM**

"Shall we go?" Jace asked as Alec picked up his old tape recorder from his locker. 

The taller boy closed the metal door and touched it until he found the lock, proceeding to insert his key on it. He tried spinning it through the hole, but failed. He then tried to press it a little harder, his tape recorder under his arm, but it just wouldn't lock. 

"I think you inserted it upside down" Jace noted behind him. "Want me to lock it for you?" 

"No" Alec grunted, nervously taking the key off the locker. "I got this". 

He inserted it again, but apparently it was still upside down, because he immediately felt Jace pulling him away from the door. He sighed as he heard the other boy click the lock and successfully lock it. 

"I was going to lock it" Alec protested, pissed off. 

Jace chuckled.

"Yeah, I know". Alec rolled his eyes under his sunglasses. "Why the frown? What's wrong with you today?"

Alec sighed, his head down.

"I still can't believe you didn't show up Friday for our study session" He said. "You know I _need you,_ Jace. I record all of our classes on this jurassic thing, but I can't take notes. I need you to sit down with me at least once a week and read your notes out loud to me to help me study. It's not a _luxury_ to me".

Jace took a deep breath. Alec pictured him crossing his arms, 'cause that's what he sounded like when he said:

"I _warned_ you that I would be busy and told you that Simon was available to help you. He watches all the _exact_ same classes as you and me. Why didn't you call him? And why don't you just get that fucking braille typewriter already anyway? It would make it a lot easier for you."

"I don't _want_ to" He grumbled. "That shit's too noisy. And because I always thought that I could _trust_ my best friend to be there for me. Apparently, I was wrong, wasn't I?"

"Stop being so _bitter!"_ Jace said with another chuckle, and Alec's heart started racing from anger. "I _told you,_ Simon is available to help you when I'm not".

"Simon and I don't have much... Intimacy" Alec tried to explain. 

"So what? He's a total nerd! _I_ would pick him instead of me in the blink of an eye if I were you".

Alec bit his lip nervously. _He wouldn't._ He couldn't think of replacing Jace with anyone else in the world. He knew he was at loss of arguments, but he just _needed it_ to be Jace, not somebody else. This was the only thing they still had together. The only thing left that was genuinely _theirs._ Alec could feel his eyes threatening to water, but he quickly held it back, as firmly as he could, closing his eyes and listening to the loud chatting around them for a few seconds.

"Okay" He finally told Jace. "If getting laid is more important to you than this, then I guess I'll contact Simon next time". 

He hated himself as soon as he let those words out. He was sounding like his mother when she was trying to be overdramatic and manipulative, and he _loathed_ sounding like that, but he just felt so weak and immature when it came to Jace. Nobody cared for Jace more than he did. It wasn't _fair_. 

Jace took a deep sigh.

"Stop talking like that" He said. "First of all, you know what I have with Clary is way more than just _getting laid._ Second, yeah, I do cherish the time I have with her, and I do care about going out with her when I can. But that doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. I just didn't think it would hurt to skip one fucking week and have someone else help you".

_'Well, it did fucking hurt',_ Alec thought to himself. 

"Don't act like this was a one-time thing!" He clapped back, not able to prevent the anger from coming out on his voice anymore. "Last month, Mom and Dad had a super important dinner event, they were being honored for their hard working, they wanted all of their family to be there, and _you know_ that includes you, you know you're like family to them, and you skipped it, too, for the _same fucking reason._ I don't care how crazy you are for her, you can't just act like everything else doesn't exist anymore".

"Alec, _stop!_ Stop acting hysterical!" Jace touched his shoulder, and as much as that made Alec feel things, he brutally pulled it away with his hand. He hated that Jace was calling him _hysterical._ "You know I will always embrace any excuse to avoid a boring suit and tie appointment. Maryse and Robert know that, and they know I care a lot about them regardless".

Alec raised his eyebrows.

_"Boring?"_ He said.

Jace sighed and grunted.

_"Uuugh,_ why are you being so damn _petty?_ Jesus, what's gotten into you? You know what, Alec? Maybe you should try falling in love, too. Maybe it'd be good for you. Help you be a little less fucking bitter".

Alec stepped closer to Jace, frowning so hard that it was probably looking ridiculous, the other boy's warm breath on his nose. _"Well, I tried it, and it didn't work. It only made it worse"_ He mentally said. But the only words that left his mouth were:

_"Fuck you."_

He then walked away from the boy, taking his walking stick out of his pocket and shaking it until it unfolded and touched the ground. 

"Alec, _wait..."_

"Don't bother sitting next to me in class for the rest of the day" He said while still walking away, without even turning his head. 

As he walked away, he was feeling impossibly angry, but also _pathetic_ at the same time. As much as he was mad at Jace, he knew that it was all out of pure jealousy, and that was _not_ someone he wanted to be, but it was all so _hard_ for him. 

He couldn't wait to see Magnus at the end of the day.

 

***

 

 **4:20 PM**

On that Tuesday, Alec and Magnus were supposed to stay in school after classes to rehearse on the stage for the first time. Alec was excited and nervous at the same time, hoping he would do well and not give Magnus a hard time coaching him. 

The stress of his _disagreement_ with Jace stayed on his mind for a while, and he was afraid that it would get in the way of his concentration and ruin his rehearsals with Magnus; but it wasn't too hard to forget about it after a while, and during the rest of his classes, the only thing on his mind was finally getting on that stage with him, to _really_ get into character. He also always looked forward to seeing Magnus again, since they didn't really interact at all during classes; Alec didn't even know which ones they had in common and he couldn't tell when he was watching the same class at him or not.

The hours went by annoyingly slow, but when the two boys finally met inside the amphitheatre - which Ms. Ashdown had been kind enough to make available for them to use - all of Alec's worries faded away. 

The rehearsal went by surprisingly great; they both performed their lines and interacted with one another, and Magnus patiently helped Alec follow the script's instructions of how to position himself, which direction to look at, how many steps to take at the right moment and to which direction. It wasn't easy, and Alec was quite lost at the beginning, but after certain time and a lot of effort from Magnus, he was starting to get it. He liked how Magnus was always very patient and kind with him, not bothering to repeat the same scene over and over again until Alec got it right, and never sounding tired whatsoever. The boy was so gentle and helpful that Alec sometimes almost wondered if he was even _real._

After they had done quite a lot of rehearsing, they stepped out of the stage and sat side by side on two of the audience seats. Alec took his phone out of his pocket and pressed the side button. 

"It is 6 PM" the cellphone lady told him. He heard Magnus chuckle by his side while opening a can of soda.

"I think those bots voices are so funny" He said. Alec grinned.

"I'm kinda used to it now. I even thank her sometimes. I've been trying to get her to tell me more about herself, but she's a little bit shy, you know?" 

They both laughed together, but after the laughter, Alec felt a wave of concern taking over him. It was almost time to go home, but he didn't want to. He wanted to stay there with Magnus, away from the stress of the outside world. 

"You have 3 missing calls" The phone lady told him, once again.

"You've been ignoring this notification since we got here" Magnus noted. "Maybe that's why Ms. Femmebot is upset at you". 

Alec grinned, but took a deep sigh of worry. 

"You know how it goes between us, right?" Magnus said. "Talk". 

Alec swallowed his saliva with a mix of anxiety and fear. He laid himself back on the seat and crossed his arms.

"Don't worry, I'm okay. Someone's just worried about me" He said.

Magnus took another loud sip of his soda before asking:

"And why's that? What's disturbing your mind?"

Alec bit his lip.

"Do you remember the talk we had about Raphael the other day? About wanting people we cannot have?" 

He turned his head to the side, where Magnus was sitting.

"I see. Is that the person who has been calling you for the past couple hours?"

"Yeah" Alec confirmed, mentally praying that Magnus wouldn't be smart enough to connect the dots. "I... I don't wanna pick it up, though. It hurts. All this longing for something that's so unrequited. Makes me feel like an idiot".

Magnus touched his arm and tapped it affectionately.

"I completely understand and relate to what you're feeling" He said. "But you're not an idiot. That's part of being an angsty teenager, I guess. At least that's what I heard". 

"Yes, I am" Alec insisted, even though he was grateful for Magnus' words. "It's embarrassing. This is making me act like a child. Why can't I just chase after someone who actually wants me? Because I'm a big ass _idiot,_ that's why".

Deep down inside, Alec knew the answer to that. He couldn't have someone liking him back because he wasn't even _ready_ for that. He liked boys, only boys, and that still _scared_ the hell out of him.

Magnus coughed. Damn, he hoped he hadn't made the boy uncomfortable.

"Well... At least we get to be idiots together" He told Alec. They both chuckled, and the taller boy grinned.

"You're right" He agreed. "It does make me feel a little better".

"That's great, Alexander". 

They stayed silent for a while, but it wasn't an awkward silence; it was a heartwarming one, in which Alec felt safe and calm and genuinely _relieved_ from his anxieties.

"We should hang out more" He suggested, a little bit nervous, but firmly. "I mean, outside of school".

"You mean _go out?"_

"Yeah" Alec nodded. "Definitely."

"I--I agree." Magnus said, stuttering a little bit. "It would be fun. I mean, I'm sure you're good company for going out".

"There's this amusement park nearby" He continued, thoughtful. "Just a few blocks away from here. I've heard people talking about it, and I haven't been to an amusement park in a really long time. I think they're so much fun".

"Uh, yeah! Totally! I love the Ferris wheel, bumper cars and stuff like that. So when..."

"Are you free tomorrow after school?" Magnus didn't even have to finish asking. "I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't hurt us to skip rehearsals just for a day. We're doing great. And my mind can use a little rest".

"You know what? So does mine." Magnus agreed, and Alec could tell him he was probably smiling. "But... Are you allowed to do that?"

"Oh, yes" He lied without hesitation, nodding in excitement. "We can go tomorrow. This will be fun".

 

***

 **Wednesday, 5 PM**

Alec snatched another bite of the cotton candy, walking slowly above the ground full of gravels, letting his walking stick touch the rocks and holding Magnus' arm so the boy would guide him through the loud and crowded amusement park. 

"I'm sorry" He said, his mouth still full of the sweet soft candy. "Buying cotton candy is always the _first thing_ I have to do. It's part of the magic for me".

Magnus chuckled.

"I understand. I'm a vegetarian, but just being here I feel like eating one of those hot dogs. So where do you wanna go first?"

Alec thought for a second, and said:

"The dark ride was always the most _thrilling_ one for me as a kid. I guess the fact that I can't see what's coming makes me eager to find out if I'm going to find it boring or twice as adrenaline filling as anyone else. There is literally _no in between."_

They laughed, and Magnus said:

"Well, I can see the line from here, and it looks a little long. I think we better hurry up".

Alec let Magnus guide him, and as the boys walked together, he felt a hand touch his shoulder.  
He turned away, and the hauntingly familiar voice that spoke to him set chills through his spine. 

_"Alec? What the fuck_ are you doing here?"

_"Jace?"_

"Alec. You're not supposed to be here".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just pretend it's still Saturday, okay? =P  
> anyway, a little later than promised but here it is :) malec is finally blossoming and it's only going to evolve from here on  
> please let me know what you guys think, the reviews always make me write a little faster hehe


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'When people are talking, people are talking (But not you)  
> When people are talking, people are talking  
> Raise a glass, 'cause I'm not done saying it  
> They all wanna get rough, get away with it  
> Let 'em talk 'cause we're dancing in this world alone  
> We're all alone  
> We're alone'

**Wednesday, 5:10 PM**

 

Magnus sucked through the plastic straw and took a sip of the water from inside the bottle, his other hand softly holding Alec's arm as they waited in the line to get to the tunnel and take the dark ride. 

"You want some water?" He offered Alec, poking the boy's left hand with the plastic bottle.

"No, thanks" He declined, with a very serious tone of voice and facial expression. His thick eyebrows were joined in a frown, and his lips were stiff. 

"Don't be upset" Magnus said. "Enjoy your time here! He won't tell anyone". 

Alec inhaled deeply through his nose. He was now twisting his mouth, his frown replaced by a look of concern. 

"I don't know... What if he _does?"_

"I think I really convinced him not to" Magnus insisted. "He seemed disapproving, but willing to let it slide this time".

Magnus trusted his own acting skills, and when Jace showed up with Clary at the park, telling Alec he wasn't allowed to be there and that he would have to tell his parents, it didn't take long for him to come up with an excuse to save the boy's neck. He convinced Jace that _he_ was the one that had exhaustively insisted that he and Alec should go somewhere different and out in the open for some special rehearsals. Alec didn't deny it, and Jace seemed suspicious at Magnus' response, but he agreed to not tell anyone as long as that was the last time he went out without permission - and he didn't leave before advising Magnus, _very energetically,_ to not put Alec in trouble. 

"Why did you lie?" Alec asked him as they took another step forward, the line slowly getting smaller. 

"I could ask you the same thing" Magnus clapped back. "Why did _you_ lie about being allowed to go out after school? I don't wanna be put in any trouble, Alexander". 

Alec bit his lip, seeming embarrassed.

"I'm sorry. I just _really_ wanted this. I understand if you're upset. I didn't wanna cause you any trouble. It's not fair of me to bring you into this".

He bowed his head, and Magnus was almost certain that, under the sunglasses, he was making puppy eyes now, intentionally or not. He sighed to himself. _Fuck,_ he just couldn't be mad at Alec for wanting to go out. He _wanted_ the boy to have fun. That was something Magnus actually cared a lot about at that point. 

"It's okay" He said. "I'm not mad at you. But next time I ask you if you're allowed to do something, please just be honest, okay? I don't like being lied to. If I'm going to be the one to take you to the wild side, I want to at least know that I'm breaking rules". 

Alec nodded and smiled at him, warm and genuine. He had a _beautiful_ smile. _"Stop, Magnus. It's not healthy to be thinking about how beautiful a straight boy's smile is. Get it off your mind"._

"But why didn't you tell him the truth?" Alec inquired. "That you didn't know because I lied to you?"

"Well, then you would be in trouble, wouldn't you? Now he thinks you were manipulated into coming here and we have nothing to fear". 

"Yeah, but now he sees you as an inconvenient _asshole._ You didn't have to lie and take the blame for me".

"I didn't have to do a lot of things" Magnus shrugged. "But you know what? You deserve to chill a little bit". 

Alec grinned affectionately at him, blushing.

"Thank you, Magnus. That's very kind. I'm grateful for how nice you are to me". 

Now _Magnus_ was the one blushing. 

"Don't worry" He said. "I'm having a good time too. It feels good to have your company". 

He looked at Alec and coughed, before all the blushing was too much to handle. 

"Do you wanna go to the Ferris wheel now?" The tall boy suggested. "I'm not sure I want to go to the dark ride anymore".

Magnus raised his eyebrows.

"I-Um... Yeah, sure! Whatever you'd like! The line for the Ferris wheel _does_ seem a little shorter."

He tried not to stumble across his words too much so Alec couldn't tell he was uncomfortable, but, as usual, he _did_ notice it anyway:

"Are you sure it's okay? You sound a little nervous".

Magnus took a deep breath.

"I'm kinda scared of heights" He admitted. "But it's okay, not scared enough that it will make me faint or anything like that."

"I thought you said you loved the Ferris wheel?"

"Well, I _did_ love it, when I was a kid" Magnus chuckled. "But since... Since I hit a certain age, things changed and now I'm... _Not so comfortable_ with heights anymore". 

That was an understatement. He was a little more than _not so comfortable_ with heights, even though he could sort of control it sometimes. But he didn't want to be a killjoy, so he added:

"But it's okay. It's a fear that I can handle. I actually kinda like challenging it a little bit sometimes, like Batman and stuff. And the Ferris wheel is pretty safe, so I should be okay, am I right?"

He tried to sound calmer. Alec touched his shoulder and said:

"I don't wanna force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Are you _really sure_ you're gonna be alright, Magnus?"

_"Yes"_ He reassured the tall boy. "I like the sight, you know, looking at the city from up there. I just have to take deep breaths to keep it cool. Let's go."

As they moved away from the dark ride tunnel and closer to the line for the Ferris wheel, Alec said:

"Well, if it helps, _I'm_ afraid of heights as well. But I just felt like going to the Ferris wheel anyway, you know? Doing something outside my comfort zone".

"Oh, really?" Magnus raised his eyebrows. "Well, I'm sure it won't be as bad for you as it will for me, you know. Seeing everything getting smaller from up there can be _terrifying."_

"Um, _excuse me?"_ Alec chuckled. "I'm gonna have to disagree. _You_ have it way easier than me on this situation. I know we're high above the ground, I can feel that shit going up but I can't _see_ anything! It's really scary! At least you can rely on your vision to feel more safe". 

"Oh no, Ma'am" Magnus joked. "You're not gonna take this suffering prize from me! The fear competition is _on!"_

They both laughed, and soon, after waiting for a little while on the line, they were getting on the Ferris wheel. Magnus helped Alec accommodate himself on his seat and proceeded to sit next to him, as the safety metal bar was laid in front of them. 

"Are you ready?" Magnus asked, looking at him, his heart racing a little bit. Alec nodded.

"Let's be Batman". He said, firmly grabbing onto Magnus' arm. 

And then it went up. They both laid back and breathed heavily.

"Are you okay?" Alec asked.

"So far, so good" Magnus answered, breathing slowly through his nose and trying not too stare too much at the ground. 

"The view is beautiful, though" He told Alec, taking a peek of the park far beneath them, carefully so he wouldn't get too terrified.

"The spinning is actually kinda fun" Alec said as they continued to slowly spin anti-clockwise. "But please let's talk so I don't get too nervous".

Magnus agreed, and they both chuckled.

"Hmmm" Magnus bit his lip, thoughtful. "Do you mind telling me about your family's relationship with Jace? Were you guys always close?"

Alec's grin immediately left his face. 

"Sorry, we don't have to talk about him if you don't want to".

"No, it's alright" He sighed. "My parents have always been friends with his dad, so we've known each other since forever. But it wasn't until he lost his dad, 6 years ago, that we became really close friends. He started living with his grandmother, but she was a very sick, weakened woman already, so my mom convinced them to move next to our house. That way she and Robert could always keep an eye and make sure things were fine. He's probably spent more time there on our couch than on his own place these years. Then, on the beginning of this year, his grandma passed away. He's turned 18 already and was able to find a place of his own, but he's still always around."

"I see" Magnus said. He thought it made sense that the boys had become friends due to family connections, because they didn't seem to have a lot in common - not apparently, anyway. 

"He's my best friend" Alec added, firmly, but almost a little sorrowful. "Even though he _really_ upsets me sometimes. But he helps us a lot with certain things, like my studies, or Isabelle's thing". 

Magnus frowned, confused.

"What about Isabelle?"

As the ferris wheel completed a full circle, Alec bit his lip, as if he had just let something slid on accident - something he was not supposed to share.

"I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't share this with you" He explained. "It's a _very_ touchy issue, and it's not _my_ issue to share. I dont think she would want me to".

"Oh, it's okay" Magnus agreed. "I understand. You should respect her privacy."

"Yeah" Alec nodded. "She... She has a problem, I'll say that. She let it get out of control, _we_ let it get out of control, I guess, because we didn't catch on it soon enough, and now... Now she's having to put up a fight. A very _tough_ one. And we're lucky she has a lot of people who care about her to help. It just makes me feel so _useless_ and desperate, Magnus. I feel like there is _so much more_ that I could be doing, but I _can't,_ because I can't _see_ shit. It's _so scary."_

Magnus twisted his mouth, feeling truly sad for Alec. He wondered if Isabelle's issue was something like _his_ issue; He really hoped not, because she didn't deserve that. 

"I'm so sorry" He whispered to Alec. "But I... I think you can see a lot more than you give yourself credit for. And I've seen you and Isabelle, how loving you are to each other. I think, sometimes, just being there and, you know, supporting her, showing you care, that she can talk to you, that you won't push her away when she's low, encouraging her to get better... That can do _a lot._ It's very important. And I mean, you can count on your parents to help her too, right?"

Alec nodded, looking thoughtful.

"You don't have to feel useless when you're doing all that you _can."_ Magnus continued. "None of us can do it _all,_ we all have our limitations. We can only ever try our best."

Alec's elbow touched his leg, and he grinned warmly. 

"I guess you're right. I just wish I could feel a little more _in control_ somehow" Alec explained. "A little less helpless. Hopefully I'll get there when mom and dad finaly let me go after a job". 

"Oh" Magnus said as they finished the second circle around the wheel, his heavy breaths slowly getting calmer. "You're planning on getting a job?"

"Yeah." Alec raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. "They actually told me that they'll let me do it if I can succeed on this theater thing. They think it will show that I am capable or something". 

"I see. Well, I really hope it works out for you. I can definitely relate to wanting a job. I'd really like to not depend on my grandfather so much anymore".

"Well, you're still young" Alec noted, as a bird flied by them. "I don't think there's anything _wrong_ with us being financially dependent on others at our age".

Magnus chuckled. 

"If only _that_ was the problem" He said, sighing. 

"Then what is it?" Alec asked.

Magnus inhaled slowly. He opened his mouth and hesitated a little bit before saying:

"My grandpa's a little bit... _Shitty._ There's really no other word. He's a bigot who hates who I am and is pretty much ashamed of me and treats me like _shit_ because of it. But he still insists that he _loves me very much_ and I owe him everything because he gives me his roof, his food and blah blah blah". 

Alec raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth, seeming shocked. 

"Magnus, I'm... I don't know what to say. I'm _so sorry._ That's _terrible._ Truly, truly awful. You don't deserve this. Oh, my God". 

"It's okay" Magnus said, pursing his mouth.

"No, it's not" Alec cut him off. "This is unacceptable. Oh Gosh, the fact that you have to live with him and endure this type of shit... Does he... You know, _hits_ you or something like that?"

"No" Magnus quickly lied, not wanting to worry him too much. Well, it wasn't exactly a full _lie;_ the slap had been a one-time thing. "His abuse is limited to words, facial expressions and stuff like that. Don't worry, I'm used to it. I don't give a shit about what he thinks or says. But yeah, I do wish I could... not rely on him anymore". 

Alec breathed heavily, putting his hand on his forehead. He seemed extremely upset with that information, and _shit,_ that wasn't what Magnus wanted. 

"I can't understand why someone would be ashamed of you" He said, and Magnus couldn't help but blush a little more again. "You know that he's just a jerk, right? That you're _not_ what he sees in you?"

"Yeah, yeah" Magnus tried to calm him down. "I've had quite my share of experience with homophobes and I've come to realize the _limited_ mindset that they're stuck in. Those are not opinions I even take in account anymore". 

"Good" Alec said, nodding firmly. "Magnus, I... I--"

He stopped himself midway, stumbling across his words, as if he was feeling nervous with what he was about to say.

"If you want to hang out more, I'm available, okay? If you just want to pass by our place or go anywhere, just to be away from him a little more, you know? I'll gladly help you not to spend any unnecessary time with him. You need to distanciate yourself from this toxic shit as much as possible. I mean, I know you can't be away from him _all_ of the time, but... Just know that you can count on me and my sister whenever you want to escape".

Magnus smiled. It was very good and heartwarming to hear that.

"Thank you a lot, Alexander. Luckily, I'm in school all day and he works until 7, so we only have to see each other from dinner time on, but he doesn't bother me much when I'm locked in my room. And he works on Saturdays too, so... I guess it could be worse". 

The ferris wheel completed another spin, and it didn't take much longer before it stopped and they got out, glad to have both survived that challenge. That conversation, despite heavy-themed, left Magnus with a good feeling inside of him. He felt lighter for sharing those things with someone who was so nice and kind and understood him in a lot of ways. He couldn't deny anymore; he and Alec were really developing into a special friendship, and he was happy about it.

He wanted to tell him more; there was something about Alec that made him feel safe and willing to pore his heart out and share his secrets. He wanted to tell him about his father abandoning him, about his mother's suicide, about his severe depression that he _still_ hadn't fully recovered from, but he held himself back. There would be time for that. There was no need to rush things. Everything had its right place and right time. 

But one thing was certain; never had he experienced a ferris wheel ride so scary and comfortable at the same time. 

 

*******

**Thursday, 11:10 AM**

As Magnus smoothly walked through the school hallways towards Math class, his bag on his shoulder and book under his arm, not even the occasional provocations from the bullies around him were enough to ruin his mood. He had just gotten an B+ at Biology, something completely unexpected and unprecedented in his life so far, and that was something to celebrate, even though the morning sun hitting his still sleepy eyes tempted to cause him stress. 

When he opened the door to the classroom, he quickly made his way to an empty chair on the left corner, at the back of the room, where he would hopefully have some peace of mind - or as much peace as he could get in Math's class. He looked around. Neither Dot nor Simon were there. He then opened his book and started sketching abstract concepts. He was so distracted that he didn't even notice who was the boy sitting in front of him until he paid closer attention. The dark hair and dark green sweater could've flied over his head, but the sunglasses made him certain.

He hesitated for a while, thoughtful, as he waited for the teacher to arrive for the class. He had shared a few classes with Alec before, and had never made his presence known to the boy in any of them; he feared that they weren't _that_ close, and he was always next to Jace. On that morning, however, there was no one next to him; the blonde one was on the other side of the classroom, and Alec was sitting by himself, his hand on his chin, seeming a little down. Magnus remembered the confrontation they'd had the day before, and what Alec had told him about Jace _really upsetting_ him sometimes. He didn't want Alec to feel upset. 

"Well hello there, Alexander" He said, tapping the boy's back, who turned around to face him.

" _Magnus?_ I thought I had smelled nail polish and sandalwood, but I wasn't sure... Great to see you here!"

"Yeah, great to see you here, too!" He excitingly replied. "Ready to dive into the deadly sea of numbers this morning?"

_What am I saying?,_ he thought. He was trying to be funny, but was sounding cheesy. Alec chuckled and grinned at him, not turning his head away from him yet. He kept staring at Alec for a little while longer, a little awkward, until the other boy opened his mouth and, after hesitating for a few seconds, said:

"Can you sit next to me?"

Magnus, who was starting to get sleepy and distracted, immediately opened his eyes real wide.

"Uh... Yeah, sure" He said, grabbing his book and his bag and getting up from his seat to move to the one next to Alec, undeniably moved by that request.

Soon, the teacher arrived, and they didn't talk much more during the class; except for a few comments about the subject of the class here and there. Still, them sitting next to each other felt different and very _satisfying_ for Magnus. He found Alec's company to be extremely enjoyable, even when he was quiet. Even the algebra wasn't able to bother him too much. 

After the class was over, Alec proceeded to hang out with Magnus and Dot during lunch. Magnus had to pinch himself to make sure that wasn't one of his weird surrealistic dreams. Yep. Alec Lightwood was not sitting at the royal table of the cafeteria that Thursday, he was sitting with two of the outsiders. 

It felt crazy, and Magnus wasn't sure if Dot would be able to handle it well, but the girl did _not_ hesitate in engaging Alec into long, excited conversations about all types of stuff - in fact, after a while, Magnus was starting to think it was _Alec_ who maybe wouldn't be able to handle it very well. But he did; the tall boy let go of his shyness and socialized very well with them, talking and laughing through the entirety of their lunch time. Magnus couldn't fully ignore all of the shocked and confused eyes staring intensely at them as they had their fun together, but he didn't really care. From the royal table, he could catch a glimpse of Isabelle looking over and smiling, and that was really heartwarming. Maybe it was time to just give the middle finger to all of that cool kids/uncool kids division, he thought.

After lunch, they shared a few more classes together, and sat next to each other in all of them. Magnus and Dot also kept the boy company and helped guide him through the school's hallways between classes. The whole time, people just couldn't stop staring, unable to believe that they were Alec Lightwoods' newest friends. 

Heck, even _Magnus_ himself couldn't believe it. But there he was, befriending Alec more and more every day and being okay with it. Not just okay; he was _happy._

Alec and Magnus didn't rehearse on that afternoon, for Alec said he had to attend a fancy event with his parents. They did, however, talk a lot more after school; as soon as Alec arrived home from the event, at 8 pm, the two boys started texting like crazy - they talked about their families, their friends, their teachers, their school mates, the movies on Netflix, the news on TV; all the conversations filled with a lot of jokes and genuine _joy_ and fun. 

Alec was more of an audio guy than a text guy, really; he told Magnus that, even though he could use the voice-to-text feature, sometimes the words would get messed up and confused, so he'd rather just record himself saying them. He also said that Magnus could text him normally if he wanted to, and the Robot Lady on his phone would read his messages out loud for Alec; however, Magnus preferred to have his own voice speaking his words, and not that of some creepy bot, so he would end up sending audios as well.

They texted - well, exchanged audios - for about 2 hours, until Magnus finally told him that he would have to stop because it was time for him to sleep. He then waited for Alec's reply, staring at his phone screen. He was surprised to see that Alec was typing, instead of recording an audio. 

"Wait" the text said.  
"I need to tell you something."

Magnus waited a little longer as the boy typed - well, talked to his keyboard so it would type for him - wondering what was it that he wanted to tell and why he didn't want to do it through his own voice.

"I really feel like telling you this"  
He sent next.  
"I actually wanted to tell you before".

 

"I'm gay".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this entire chapter in basically one sit and finished way sooner than I thought I woud lol anyway I love my boys so much :') enjoy this cheerful chapter, I'm going to sleep after posting this and hope to wake up to some reviews by you guys letting me know what y'all thought hehe anyways thank you so much for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'You should be alone  
> Yeah, you should be alone  
> You should be alone with me'

**Friday, 12:10 PM**

Alec slowly touched the metal bar on the wooden door and opened it to enter the amphitheatre, his walking stick touching the ground and his heart racing like crazy.

He didn't have to walk too much though, because the smell of Magnus quickly filled his nostrils as that heartwarming voice said:

"Hey. How are you doing?"

The boy touched Alec's hand to shake it cordially, and Alec shook it back, a little awkwardly. He felt like handshakes weren't warm enough. 

"I'm fine, I think" He said, taking a deep breath. "Thanks for agreeing to meet me here today. Is Dot okay with being alone for lunch?"

"Oh, she won't be alone, don't worry" Magnus explained. "Now why don't we take a seat?"

The boy softly grabbed Alec by his arm and guided him to a row of seats on the audience of the amphitheater. They both sat down side by side. Alec took off his sunglasses and put them on his lap - he was there to be completely honest and strip his walls down for the first time. Magnus sighed. They stayed in an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds. Alec was still feeling very _nervous,_ but he inhaled slowly and reminded himself that there was nothing to be afraid of there.

"So... Do you wanna talk?" Magnus asked, patiently.

Alec bit his lip.

"Yeah".

"Okay. How are you feeling?" 

_"Scared"_ He confessed, leaning over to put his elbow on his leg and his hand on his chin.

"I won't tell anyone" Magnus clarified. "Not even Dot. I swear. Your secret's safe with me for as long as you want to keep it". 

"I know" Alec nodded. He trusted Magnus; that was not why he was feeling anxious. "But that's the first time I tell this to anyone. Ever. It is _frightening_ to put it out there for the first time. To know that's it not my personal secret anymore".

"Oh. So I'm the first one to know? That's an honor".

They both chuckled softly.

"Well, technically not" Alec pondered. "Isabelle knows. But I never _actually_ confirmed it to her. We never mentioned it out loud. She just knows".

"So great perception runs in the family" Magnus pointed out. Alec smirked.

"I guess so". He stopped talking and hesitated for a few more seconds. The way in which Magnus respected his silence and just stayed there, never pushing him to talk, was _so relieving._

"It also feels kinda good, though" He added. "To share it with someone".

"It does" Magnus agreed. "Makes it feel less heavy, doesn't it?"

Alec nodded.

"I'm just so _scared,_ Magnus. Things are already so _hard_ for me as a blind boy. To also be gay... I mean, I have come to terms with my sexuality, I'm okay with it. But... It also makes me even more _vulnerable._ It's terrifying".

He didn't say anything else, because he was sure that if he went on, he would start crying. He felt Magnus touching his hand and gently squeezing it.

"I know" He told Alec. "I know what you're saying. That's what I used to think too. Being a person of color in this country, I've always had to put up with a _lot_ of shit. And as a bi boy who never exactly leaned towards the spectrum of typical masculinity... I was basically a huge target. I was like a bleeding fish in a tank full of sharks. But... I ended up discovering that _embracing it_ instead of fearing it was the only way to survive. When you embrace it, you can fight back. Trying to run from it just makes you weaker. When they manage to convince you that you should live in fear... They basically won". 

Alec nodded, thoughtful. Magnus was giving him a lot to think about. He'd never realized before how much they had in common; how much they could _relate_ to one another. And he knew, deep down, that the boy was right. He remembered the first years after losing his sight, when he was so scared all the time and just did _not_ want to face the outside world and go through all of the difficulties that would come. Those were terrible, dark years; he wasn't able to do well in school, stopped socializing, stopped exercising, would barely leave his house. It turned him into a sad child, who was barely able to learn new things. All he could do was stay inside all day, dreaming of living a normal life. It was only a few years later, when he went through therapy and decided to fight that feeling of being defeated and accepted the fact that _that_ would be his life from there on, that things started slowly working out and he was able to find ways of overcoming his daily obstacles. 

"I mean, I know it's not easy" Magnus continued. "Just know that there's no running from it, and take your time. You will get there, sooner or later. And the people who care about you will be here for you during the process, _and_ after it. I will be here. I promise. Whenever things feel difficult... Just know that you're not alone". 

Alec squeezed his hand even tighter, feeling so, _so_ much gratitude and fondness. 

"Thank you so much" He said, and then he wasn't able to stop his eyes from watering anymore. "I know you don't like it when I say that, but... You're incredible".

He coughed, wiping away his tears and softening the grip on Magnus' hand. 

"Anyway... I know things aren't easy for you, either. I've told you that before, but you can count on me and Isabelle to support you, okay?"

"Okay". Magnus whispered, before taking a deep breath. 

"You're lucky you have a sister who supports you" the boy added after a while. "Please value that. A supportive family member is something _so many of us_ wish we had". 

Alec pursed his lips. He felt bad for Magnus. He really _was_ privileged to have Isabelle.

"I know" He said. "But when I think of how my mom would react, I still get scared". 

His hands started sweating at the mere thought of Maryse finding out about his sexuality, and he nervously wiped the sweat out on his jeans.

"You don't think she would react well?" Magnus asked.

"I don't know" Alec sighed. "I really think my dad wouldn't be upset, but my mom... She can be _very_ conservative in a lot of ways. She build a whole life for me in her head before I was even born, and I'm not sure what are the extensions of her _idealizations._ And I feel like, even if she wasn't repulsed by it, she would want to suppress it out of fear. She can be somewhat... _Overprotective._ Sometimes that makes her unable to see what's actually best for me". 

"I see. Well... Definitely be careful, then. Like I said, take your time. You have your sister as your ally inside your house. Use that in your favor. Do not come out if you don't feel safe to do so. You have to be sure you're ready to face all of the consequences that may come. And just know that, one day, none of this will be a problem anymore. You won't have to worry about keeping this secret. You'll be free to live your life as exactly who you are, no matter how long it takes".

"I really hope so" Alec said, laying down on his seat. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure".

He licked his lips, hesitating a little bit before asking Magnus:

"If you could come out to your grandfather again, would you? Or would you stay in the closet? I mean, if you knew how things would turn out to be?" 

Magnus chuckled.

"I never came out to him" He said. "It wasn't a choice. I was always very queer even before I knew what that meant. I never had much of a closet to hide on. But if I _could_ go back in time and have a choice... I don't know. It's hard. Like I said, embracing it with pride was how I managed to survive, but at the same time... I guess hiding it would have maybe made me a little safer and even healthier in a lot of ways".

Alec frowned, confused.

"What do you mean, _healthier?_ He inquired.

Magnus breathed heavily.

"I've suffered with severe depression for a lot of years" He explained. "It started when I was 4 and my dad left, it intensified when I was 6 and my mom committed suicide. One day she looked fine, then the next day she threw herself off the 8th floor window - that's actually where my fear of heights came from, and is also what sent me into a trainwreck. Then I got better for a few years, but I relapsed when I was about 13 and my grandfather couldn't ignore what I was anymore. I had to deal with him telling me, on a daily basis, that my father had left me and my mother had killed herself because I was a freak, that I had to change if I had any ambitions of being someone, that I was an embarrassment to our family's name. At a certain point, when distant relatives would contact us, he would just pretend that I had _died._ He didn't want anybody to know that he had me as a grandson".

Magnus could barely finish what he was saying before Alec threw his arms around him and wrapped the boy in a tight embrace. He rested his chin on Magnus' shoulder, hoping that perhaps the hug could transmit all of the comfort, support and empathy that words weren't enough to show. After a few seconds, the other hugged him back, tapping Alec's back affectionately.

"I'm so sorry" Alec whispered. "That's so awful. You didn't deserve any of this". 

He didn't know about Magnus, but that hug was exactly everything that he needed at that moment; to get some sort of solace and connection from someone whose pain he could _feel_ as if it were his own. 

"Just... Know that he's _nothing,_ okay?" He added while slowly pulling away from the hug, still touching Magnus' shoulder. "He's just some old ignorant piece of shit. You're _so much better_ than him, Magnus". 

"Don't worry. I know he's trash". 

"And... Are you okay now? I mean, currently? How's your... Mental health?" 

"Yeah, fine" He answered, though not sounding firm enough. "I've been stable for the last year or so. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to relapse again, but... Overall, I'm now able to be somewhat in control of my emotions". 

Alec nodded, silently praying that he was telling the truth. Still, he said:

"When you feel like you're relapsing again, please don't suffer in silence, alright? You have me, and Dot, and Simon... You know, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but I will always try and do my best to be a good friend. I can't make with anyone else the same mistakes I made with Isabelle. Do you promise you won't isolate yourself?"

"I promise" Magnus said, touching his hand. "Now... Do you mind if I ask _you_ a question?"

Alec raised his eyebrows.

"Not at all. What do you wanna know?"

He could hear Magnus licking his lips and inhaling for a few seconds, which made Alec slightly afraid of what the boy would ask him.

"Do you have a crush on Jace?"

Alec opened his mouth, caught off guard and completely astonished. _How_ could he know? The one secret that made him even more nervous than being gay. _Fuck._

He sighed. By his reaction, Magnus could already tell what the answer was, so there was no use in lying anymore. Besides, he actually wanted to rant about that with him, despite being afraid.

"Is it _that obvious?"_ He asked.

"Well, not _obvious"_ Magnus seemed to be thinking carefully about the words that left his mouth. "I just... Connected the dots, I guess".

Alec took a deep breath and put his hand on his forehead.

"I feel so stupid because of it" He confessed. "We're pretty much like brothers. I'm sure that's how he sees me. He's in love with Clary, and he wouldn't fall in love with a boy. But... He just makes me feel _things,_ you know? I can't help but think about what it would be like to have him like that... And that looks like such an _attractive_ concept. I've been trying to get if off my mind for quite some time, but it's not very easy".

"I know. I know how it feels to be the victim of a mind that dares imagine a lot more than it should. I guess all we can do is wait, am I right? Wait for _someone_ or _something_ that will captivate our imagination away from desiring our sexually incompatible best friends. But... If you allow me to share a piece of advice, I think you probably shouldn't share this with him now. You know, it's not a situation that every straight boy can handle well... And even if he _did_ handle it well, it would create awkwardness and... I don't mean to tell you what to do, I just don't want you to suffer from a broken friendship like I am. It is even _worse_ than the unrequited crush thing."

"Oh, don't worry" He tranquilized Magnus. "I have no intention _whatsoever_ of telling him how I feel in the near future".

"Well, that's good. Sometimes, the best option is just waiting".

"Yeah" Alec agreed. "We have a lot of waiting to do, don't we?"

They both chuckled.

"At least we don't have to wait alone" Magnus noted.

"Yeah. That's true". He exhaled, as if taking a huge weight off his chest - and that's exactly what had happened. He was ready to talk about some lighter things now.

"Now, if you're ready to light the mood a little bit" Magnus said, as if he was reading Alec's mind. "There is something I've been wanting to ask you. It's something that's actually _really_ relevant for me to know about someone".

"Okay" Alec chuckled, raising an eyebrow. "Go on".

"What's your sign?"

Alec couldn't help but laugh, his anxieties all being slowly washed away.

_"Wow"_ He said. "Coming up with the important questions here, huh? I'm a Virgo. My birthday was this month, actually, on 12".

_"I knew it!"_ Magnus exclaimed on an excited, victorious tone. "I mean, I was torn between Virgo and Capricorn, but I _knew_ you _had_ to be an earth sign. Oh, too bad I missed your birthday! Maybe next year I'll get you something cool". 

"Oh no, don't worry. You don't have to. So, um... When's _your_ birthday?"

"8th of December" Magnus answered. "I'm a Sagittarius, of course".

"Okay... The Sagittarius is a centaur, ain't that right?" Alec inquired, thoughtful. "The centaur walks on earth, so... An earth sign as well, isn't it?" 

Magnus started uncontrollably laughing.

"Hey, stop laughing at me! It makes sense!" Alec protested, chuckling.

"Oh my God! No, Alexander, not an earth sign. I'm pure _fire,_ my dear". 

"Ooooooh, okay. I'll learn more about those things, one day. But lucky you, your birthday's on winter! And only a few weeks after Black Friday". 

"Not so lucky" The boy commented. "People always end up giving me just one present for my birthday _and_ for Christmas".

"Oh, that sucks. But at least the weather is nice on December".

"Oh, so you're a cold weather person?" He asked.

_"As everyone should be"_ Alec pointed out.

_"I know, right?"_

They laughed. 

"Did you ever have a guide dog?" Magnus asked. "I think they're the cutest. Dogs always make anything easier". 

"No, I haven't". Alec said. "I wanted one _really bad_ a few years ago. I still do, sometimes. But... My mom, she doesn't like dogs. Not anymore. She's kinda _traumatized_ by them or something. I think it's really stupid".

"Oh, don't judge her, Alexander" The boy censored him. "We all have our phobias".

"No, it's not a phobia" He explained. "It's a kind of... Stupid resentment. You see... When I was 6, my mom was cleaning the kitchen. After she was done, she left this acid product for cleaning stoves on the table. So I grabbed it and thought I would put it where it belonged. We had a dog. His name was Hellhound - yeah, _don't ask me._ Anyway, I was really scared of dogs at that age. When I had the cleaning product on my hand, standing on a stool to put it on the shelf, he started barking behind me and I was completely frightened. The bottle slipped on my hands, and it was kinda open... The acid leaked out and hit my eyes. Burned both of my corneas. It's _really_ stupid, but because our dog scared me into this accident... She doesn't like dogs anymore. Like they're all _cursed_ or something. Crazy, right?" 

Magnus didn't say anything for quite a few seconds. He kept opening his mouth and closing it again, as if he didn't know what to say - and Alec didn't blame him. 

"Wow. That's, um..." 

_"Bad luck"_ Alec finished for him, chuckling. "But whatever. It happened. So now you know the full story on how I got this. Kinda underwhelming, no? People usually expect this exciting story... But it was just this very _dumb_ thing. I used to lie about it when I was a kid. I would tell people that it was a crazy car accident, or a fire. Just to make it a little less boring, you know?" 

Magnus chuckled back at him, still not saying anything. Alec had never shared that with anyone from school before - only his family and Jace knew the story. But then again, he hadn't ever told anyone but Magnus about being gay. He just felt so _safe_ to share everything with the boy. 

"Anyway" Alec coughed, trying to prevent things from getting awkward. "I love animals. I think they're the best. I do wish I had another dog, or a cat, or even a hamster, I don't know. I think it would be good for me. Help me have some more fun."

"Well, maybe one day. Who knows?" Magnus said. "Speaking of fun... I just had a wild thought".

Alec smirked, interested.

"What thought?"

"I should take you to a gay club. You know, to get in touch with our culture and have some fun, be yourself for a little while. It can be a great experience! I mean, when you're _ready_ for it, of course. I'm not gonna push you to take steps you're not ready to take, but... Whenever you feel like it... I'm in". 

Alec laughed, kinda nervously. He liked that Magnus wanted to go to a gay club with him, but it was definitely still a _terrifying_ thought for him. 

"One day, sure" He told Magnus, grinning. "For now, I'm not so sure I'm ready for this. But I like what you said about getting to know the culture. That's something that actually interests me a lot. Maybe... We could watch some movies instead?"

"That's a great idea!" The other boy agreed. "Sure. One step at a time".

"There are some films and documentaries on Netflix that I've heard of" He continued. "About, you know, the LGBTQ community and stuff. I'd really like to check them out, but, you know... I would be exposing myself if I did that at home".

"So, is tomorrow good for you?" Magnus was quick to say. "Queer movies marathon at my place. The old fart will be at work all day".

Alec opened up his biggest smile.

"Yeah. Tomorrow is good. This should be fun".

He still couldn't fully wrap his head around the fact that someone like Magnus had shown up in his life, but he was just _so grateful_ about it. The boy was truly being a huge source of light for him, and one that had appeared when he needed it the most. He had just shared with him his most scary and hidden secret, and he felt so _good_ and satisfied about it. Suddenly, he didn't feel so alone and misunderstood anymore. 

He was excited for their movie marathon.

 

***

 

**Monday, 2 PM**

The movie marathon at Magnus' place didn't happen. 

As Alec closed his locker, having just left English class and getting ready for History, he was feeling devastated. 

He called Magnus on Saturday. _A lot._ He left him voicemails. He sent texts, and audios. Yet, his Robot Lady kept on telling him the same thing - seen. _Seen,_ never replied. Alec now hated that word more than any other. He even asked Isabelle to check it for him, but the result was the same. 

He spent the whole weekend concerned, wondering what had happened, what could have he done wrong. He even considered going to Magnus' apartment, but that would be _too invasive._ He couldn't just force himself.

But _fuck,_ he couldn't lose what they had either. That thought was so scary. He had been so lucky to get to know Magnus, he couldn't let it slip away like that. _What the hell could be happening?_

Alec had spent the entirety of his Monday classes alone so far, and it hurt so much. He knew that Magnus was ignoring him, because he could smell him near in a lot of them. _What had he done?_

He turned away and laid back against his own locker, taking deep breaths. Then he felt something and his heart skipped.  
He smelled Magnus passing by the hallway.

"Magnus?" He quickly called, touching the ground with his walking stick and trying to follow the smell. He reached out and touched silk fabric. He knew it was Magnus' shirt. He heard him interrupt his walking.

"Alexander, I really can't talk right now".

"Why are you ignoring me? Why didn't you answer any of my calls or texts?" Alec exclaimed, ignoring what he had just said. "We were supposed to meet on Saturday! What happened?"

"Alec, I'm sorry. I'm busy. We can't talk right now. I'll see you around, ok?" 

He walked away before Alec could even tell what was the emotion on his voice. _I'll see you around._ That's what Magnus told him before walking away. After all they had shared with each other.

Alec couldn't move. He just stood there, not even caring about all the people passing by and bumping into him, trying not to cry. He felt dizzy. The pictures on his head were distorted and overlapping each other like flashes. 

_Why can't I have anything?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to hit y'all with some angst after all this heartwarming fluff and comfort, but things can't reach their peak without some downs on the way, can they? =p  
> anyways, because this chapter felt a little shorter while writing (I think?) and not so much happened, I do want to post chapter 9 on the next few days, so stay tuned and don't forget to comment your thoughts :) oh and thank you so much for all the amazing positive feedback on the last one and for the 2K+ hits!!!!! I'm really happy and more invested on this story everyday.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release  
> Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief  
> Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace  
> It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief'

**Thursday, 5 PM**

Magnus reached out to grab his cellphone from the center table, the stress overwhelming him. He couldn't stop overthinking for the last five days. He wasn't even sure if it could actually be called _overthinking,_ for it was something truly concerning, the way he saw it. He unlocked his screen and stared at those haunting texts once again. 

_[10/03 10:39 AM] Camille: u and Alec Lightwood huh? i have to laugh  
[10/03 10:39 AM] Camille: srsly. it's so stupid mag. the most random thing i've ever seen lmao  
[10/03 10:40 AM] Camille: using the blind boy as a steppe to get over Raphael it's a little low, even for you...  
[10/03 10:40 AM] Camille: but then again i'm talking about the guy who jumped onto his fucking asexual friend to try and get over me... smh   
[10/03 10:41 AM] Camille: i want to know. when mr. lightwood breaks your heart who will you use next? dot? maybe simon?  
[10/03 10:41 AM] Camille: anyways lol you're pathetic _

Tears filled his eyes, burning them with immesurable anger. _Who the hell did she think she was?_ They hadn't broken up on good terms, but they had eventually gotten to a state of cordiality for the sake of their mutual friendships; and then to just text him like that after all that time? What was wrong with her? 

Magnus closed his eyes and turned the screen off again. He would smash his phone against the wall if he wasn't so poor. Camille had managed to completely wreck his mood and his whole week with just a few stupid texts - bringing people down was really one of her talents.

The truth was, Magnus couldn't help but wonder if she was telling the truth. He wasn't hurt because Camille had decided to text him mean stuff about his friendship with Alec; he was hurt because, deep down, he thought she had a point. And that _destroyed_ him.

The vulnerable emotional state in which his break up with Camille had left him really _did_ have something to do with the things he suddenly started feeling for Raphael. And yes, getting Raphael out of his head _was_ one of the reasons why he enjoyed being around Alec. So maybe Camille was right, he thought. Maybe he was just constantly _using_ people as bandaids. And that wasn't right, was it?

He _did_ genuinely care about Alec - _a lot,_ actually. And that's exactly why he didn't want to feel like he could be treating the boy unfairly - as a _steppe._ He thought that Alec deserved so much more than that - so much more than a needy broken-hearted mess looking for the next person to attach himself to. 

Forcing himself to ignore Alec's texts, calls and voicemails hurt like hell, but maybe the boy would be better off without Magnus. What if Alec was also using him as a bandaid for his heartbreak over Jace? That wasn't a healthy basis for a friendship. He felt guilty, because he'd promised Alec that he'd help him get ready for the play, but _fuck,_ he was just so _afraid_ of being an _unhealthy_ influence - of dragging them both to a dark place. They couldn't just use each other.

Magnus unlocked his phone again. Staring at the screen, he started typing a message.

_'Go fuck yourself'_

His thumb contemplated the 'send' button for a few seconds before he deleted it without sending it. That wouldn't help with anything. So, instead, he just dropped the phone onto the couch and grabbed the pages of his script, hoping that this time he was actually able to rehearse something. He'd been trying since Monday, unsuccessfully. It felt _painful_ to do it without Alec.

Frowning, he stared at the characters on the paper, trying to focus, but his mind just kept wandering back to Alec, refusing to pay attention to what he was reading. He sighed. He missed Alec so fucking much. Even more than he thought he would. 

When he heard a knock on the door, his heart almost stopped. He hoped his grandfather hadn't arrived early - and he also hoped it wasn't Alec, but he doubted the boy would do that. If it wasn't any of them, he hoped it was an angel sent from heaven to help him distract his mind a little bit. 

He got up from the couch and walked to the door in a hurry, almost tripping as he went down the stairs. When he unlocked the glass front door and opened it, his stomach twisted at the sight of Isabelle staring at him. 

 

***

 

Magnus coughed and looked at Isabelle again. Sitting next to him, she grinned. Then they both went back to staring at the wall again. The awkwardness could be _tasted._ They had stayed in silent for about 10 minutes now. With her purse hanging casually from her shoulder, Isabelle was just pretending that she was there to see Magnus and hang out, but he _knew_ that wasn't it. She had to be there because of Alec. 

"So..."

"Can I do your nails?" The boy said, biting his lip. Isabelle smiled.

"Yeah, sure" She said. "I really do need to do them over".

"I'll go grab my stuff". He said, getting up and heading to his room to grab his nail polish collection, his cotton balls and his acetone. If she wasn't going to tell him why she was really there, at least he was going to get them something to do. 

"Choose a color" Magnus said when he came back, as he sat next to her again, his box of manicuring stuff on his lap. 

Isabelle stared carefully at his collection before picking a red tone. Magnus smiled. Then, he proceeded to soak a ball of cotton in acetone and signed for her to give him her hands. 

For a little while, they actually did talk about stuff that didn't involve Alec; mostly school and TV shows. Magnus was surprised, and it felt good to share casual conversations with her, but he couldn't help but feel a little tense still, almost expecting the girl to drop the bomb at any moment. 

"So" She said after half an hour had passed and Magnus was carefully painting the nail on her right index finger. "How did the rehearsals with Alec go? Are you guys doing good?" 

He looked at her with a death stare, his gaze intense and his lips pursed. He knew it was just a matter of time. He sighed.

"Yeah, we're... We _were_ doing good, yes" He said. "We haven't really rehearsed this week".

"I know" Isabelle looked at him with curiosity. "You guys haven't even _talked_ at all this week, for what I know". 

Magnus bit his lip, nervous.

"Isabelle, I-"

"He misses you". Her look was now a sad, almost _begging_ one. "He doesn't understand what happened. He's so confused and distressed, Magnus. He was really beginning to cherish your time together. I'm not here to give you a _scold_ or anything. I just can't stand seeing my brother so unhappy. Did he do something to upset you?" 

The boy took a deep breath, letting of her hand and putting the nail polish away on the center table. He then scratched his forehead, deeply stressed and _lost._

"He did not" He denied. "It's just... I--I... I wasn't feeling _right_ about our friendship anymore". 

Isabelle frowned, confused. He wanted to tell her exactly what he was feeling, but he didn't quite know how to make it sound reasonable. Maybe it _wasn't_ reasonable, but it didn't make it any less scary for him. 

"Is it because of all the controversy he raised when he started hanging out with you and Dot at school?" She asked. "I know those idiots were _completely astonished_ and couldn't stop staring and whispering about it. Did someone say something to you about it?"

He hesitated, nervously rubbing his fingers against one another.

"No" He lied. "It was me. I came with... A thought. I'm afraid that I may be just using him". 

By the look on her face, she was now more confused than ever. 

"What do you mean, _using_ him?"

He inhaled deeply through his nose, starting to sweat.

"I'm heartbroken" He explained. "I developed unrequited feelings for a friend, and I'm just now starting to recover from it. And I do like Alec _a lot,_ and not once did I ever consciously think of approaching him just to fill a hole, but... What if that's all just me desperately holding onto the first person who was nice to me because I'm in a hurry to forget about my heartbreak? What if what I have with Alec it's not genuine, but an stupid emotional response? I would _hate_ myself if that was the case". 

Isabelle looked down for a couple of seconds, thoughtful.

"Well, first, can I ask you something?" She said. Magnus signed with his head for her to go on. 

She took a deep breath, hesitating.

"Are you guys... You know... Is there _a thing_ between you two?"

Magnus raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, no. No, we're... Just friends. Nothing of the sort".

He coughed, awkward, wondering if someone else though that they had a thing going on.

"Oh" Isabelle nodded. "Okay. Well... I don't know, Magnus. I understand your concern, but it seems to me like you truly care about him. I can see it when you're together... You guys seem to have a real connection going on. And I could be wrong, but I'd dare say that you're missing him, too".

The boy twisted his mouth. 

"I am, indeed" He admitted. 

"See? And he cares about you a lot, too! Shouldn't that be enough? I mean... Do you honestly think that you'd wanna turn your back on him if you got over your heartbreak? You don't look like you would do that". 

Magnus pondered for a while. Turning his back on Alec didn't seem like something he would genuinely want to do anytime in the near future - he _was_ doing that right there, but it was taking every strength inside his being to force himself to be away from the boy. He couldn't imagine himself _wanting_ that. It didn't feel good.

"I guess not. I don't really want to push him away, no".

"Then you shouldn't!" She pointed out. "You're not using him, Magnus. You're giving him a _chance._ The way you were helping him with the theater thing... That's _amazing._ And I can't speak for you, but I know my brother, and... I'd _never_ seen him so _radiant_ before. Everytime he got home from rehearsing with you, he was _glowing._ You say you fear that it's not genuine, but... I don't know. I don't think something that wasn't genuine would do that. And you like his company as well, don't you?"

He was quick to nod in agreement. 

"Yeah. A lot."

She touched Magnus' hand affectionately.

"There's nothing _wrong_ with leaning on someone for some emotional relief, Magnus. You were willing to help him, you guys enjoy each other's company and that helps you not think about stuff that hurts you. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's actually a _beautiful_ thing, you know, when you find someone who makes you feel better about life. I don't think you should let that go to waste".

The boy was now very deep in his thoughts. Could she be right? Could he have pushed Alec away for those last days out of _nothing?_

"Do you remember when we hung out at the mall?" Isabelle asked him. "That conversation we had at Forever 21? I offered you my friendship because I thought you could use my influence and I could use all of your beauty skills. You know... It's very common that friendships start off with some kind of interest. You want this boy to help you with your makeup, or homework, or you need someone to help you with a school play, or you just need distraction from some sort of pain... But that doesn't mean that something incredible and genuine can't be born from there". 

Magnus raised an eyebrow. She did have a point, he thought. He remembered befriending Dot on 6th grade because he needed her to help him with Math. Soon after that, she became his soul sister. 

"If you guys are really starting to enjoy being around each other and hanging out..." She continued. "And _I can tell_ that you are... Don't give that away. It can be such a positive thing... I understand your insecurities. But, _please,_ don't cause any unnecessary pain to yourself and to Alec. You guys do _not_ need to be apart". 

He breathed heavily, suddenly feeling very grateful that she had decided to show up at his place.

"Thank you so much, Isabelle".

"No need to thank me" The girl said. "I'm just being a good sister - _and_ a good friend. I can't stand to see people suffering when they don't have to".

Magnus looked at her, and suddenly that thing she said about suffering made him a little worried. He remembered what Alec had told him about the girl going through heavy personal issues, and wondered if she was doing fine.

"And how are _you,_ Isabelle?" He inquired. "How's your life going? Everything okay?"

"Yeah" She nodded. "I'm doing fine". 

For the next minutes, they changed subjects, talking about lighter topics as he finished doing her nails. When they had only a few minutes until Magnus' grandfather got home from work, she got up and said she would be leaving. After walking her out and saying goodbye with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek, Magnus closed the door and felt his heart start to race. He had a decision to make now.

Isabelle had given him _a lot_ to think about. He thought that the conversation would make him calmer, but instead, he was feeling even _more_ anxious. The girl hadn't just made him reconsider the insecurities that Camille had put into his head; she had made him come to a conclusion. And a quite _scary_ one.

As he closed the door and climbed the stairs, his head was dizzy with all that Isabelle had made him think of; the way he not only cherished, but craved Alec's company. The way he missed the boy like crazy. The way he felt like he could start _levitating_ to think that Alec was _radiant_ because of him.

There was no escaping from it; Magnus was _in love._ And not with Raphael.

"That's it", he thought to himself, breathing heavily. He was helplessly, undeniably in love with Alec Lightwood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a much smaller chapter, but hopefully you guys will enjoy the relief from chapter eight's cliffhanger =p anyway, this chapter serves as the introduction for a new phase on this story, where new feelings will come into play. thanks so much for all the reviews and for letting me know that you guys are just as invested on this as me <3 keep 'em coming!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'There's a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you're around  
> I swear that you could hear it, it makes such an all mighty sound
> 
> There's a drumming noise inside my head that throws me to the ground  
> I swear that you should hear it, it makes such an all mighty sound
> 
> Louder than sirens  
> Louder than bells  
> Sweeter than heaven  
> And hotter than hell'

**Thursday, 6:30 PM**

Alec was in love with Magnus Bane. 

He didn't have a _crush._ He wasn't merely _interested_ in Magnus; no, he was _so much more_ than that. He was madly, head over heels, fully _in love_ with him. And he hated himself for not realizing that until they were apart. 

As Alec kept on sending the boy text after text, desperately begging for him to say something, the pain was _excruciating._ Just last week, he thought he was in love with Jace, but looking back, he felt extremely naive. That was not what falling in love felt like, and he knew that now. With Jace, it was more about feeling deeply fond of him, then thinking he was attractive, then imagining what it would be like to have him as a lover and getting fixated on that idea. With Magnus, it was different. Alec didn't simply _like_ the idea of having Magnus in his arms; he fucking _craved_ it. His smell of nail polish and sandalwood; the sound of his laugh; the texture of his satin shirts; all of that sent _chills_ all over Alec's spine and a floating feeling on his chest. He wanted Magnus to be more than just a friend, and he wanted that _so bad_ it hurt.

The realization had come at some point between Magnus avoiding him at school on Monday and the sad, desperate state in which he was on that gloomy Thursday. Sitting on his bed, his cellphone on his hand. The noises of Max watching TV and Maryse taking a shower mixed with the anguish buzz inside his head. Alec hoped to be left alone in his suffering, because he didn't want anyone to see how hard he was crying. He was just so _angry._ Not at Magnus - he fully believed that the boy had to have his own legitimate reasons to be acting that way - but at _life_ itself. Why was it that, whenever something good came his way, it was all ruined so quickly? He was finally ready to move on from Jace, but not from Magnus - not _at all._

Not that it mattered. He knew that Magnus was gay - _bisexual,_ he mentally corrected himself -, but he also knew that there was no way that a boy with such a fascinating mind, made to experience the most extraordinary things in life, would want to attach himself to someone like Alec - that's how he saw it. He saw himself as a burden, as something that demanded too much effort and too much care to be taken of. A burden that no one - and especially not Magnus, an unique soul who dreamed really big - would ever want to voluntarily sacrifice themselves for. And Alec knew that Magnus was an unbelievably kind, gentle and caring person who was always willing to do so much for him - but he would never want to get in the way of the boy's freedom and success. And either way, he was also _sure_ that Magnus would never even look at him like that. Alec didn't think of himself as a very interesting person - definitely not on the same level as Magnus. 

But that didn't mean that he couldn't try to stay close to Magnus for as long as he could. If he could just spend time around Magnus, have his days be lit up by his presence, that would be _so great_ already - maybe not _enough,_ but undoubtedly better than his current situation. 

"Voice typing" He said once again in his now shaky voice, putting his phone closer to his mouth.

"Voice typing is on" The cellphone lady told him.

"Magnus, please. I just need to at least know what's happening. Don't do this to me, please. I need an answer. We were going so well... I thought we were friends now. I don't want to just pretend I've never met you. I hate it. I can't pay attention to classes, I can't feel comfortable in school anymore... This feeling _sucks._ If I did something, please just tell me. I'm _begging you."_

He nervously took his thumb off the screen, breathing heavily and shaking a lot. He didn't want to guilt trip Magnus into anything, but he didn't know what to say anymore. 

Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door. He abruptly wiped away his tears and coughed before saying:

"Who's there?"

"It's me" Said the only voice he wanted to hear at that moment, aside from Magnus'.

Alec opened his door so quickly he almost fell off his bed. 

"Was he there? Did you talk to him? Did he say anything?" His sister barely had time to enter his room and sit by his side on the bed before he flooded her with questions.

"Calm down, Alec" She said, touching his hand and wiping some tears that were left on his cheek. "Don't worry. It will be fine. Magnus just needed some time. He had to deal with something that really shook him emotionally, and that's why he thought it would be best to be away from you". 

Alec frowned, deeply concerned. _Oh, fuck._ The only thing that had been scaring him more than the possibility of losing what he had with Magnus was the possibility of the boy going though something bad and him not being able to help. 

"Oh my God. What happened to him?" His heart was racing. "Does it have something to do with his grandfather? Is he okay?"

"No, no!" Isabelle calmed him down, touching his other hand and putting both of them together. "He's fine. He'll tell you about it if he wants to. It was just something stupid that someone told him that got to his head. But don't worry. I helped him clear his mind. I told him that you missed him. He still cares about you, Alec. He misses you, too". 

Alec closed his eyes and bit his lip, overwhelmed by the relief that took him over. Magnus still cared about him. Suddenly, the whole world lit up. He wondered who had said something to get into Magnus' head - whoever it was, Alec hated them with a burning passion now. But the important thing was that _Magnus missed him._

"Thank God" He whispered, before taking a deep breath. "Then why isn't he talking to me yet?"

"He will. Trust me. It may not be as soon as you wish, but he will. After the conversation we had, I'm certain of that".

Alec sighed.

"God, I hope so."

Isabelle slowly pulled him closer for a tight hug. Alec hugged her back, running his fingers through her soft hair. He would be _nothing_ without her. 

She kept on sniffing, and Alec couldn't help but worry to death about her runny nose. But maybe it was just a cold, he thought, perhaps wishful thinking.

Suddenly, his cellphone started vibrating next to him. His heart skipped a beat. 

"Incoming call from Magnus" Announced the Robot Lady. 

"Oh my God" He said, pulling Isabelle away and picking it up so fast his phone almost hit his face too hard. 

"Magnus?" He exhaled, breathing heavily.

"Hey, Alec" Hearing that voice calling his name again was _magical._ "I'm sorry I didn't answer your texts or your voicemails... And that I didn't pick up your calls. It was very inconsiderate of me. Please forgive me". 

"It's okay" Alec said, but his voice faltered, denouncing him. "H-How are you?"

There was a second of silence.

"I'm fine now. You?"

"I'm better now" He admitted, letting joyful tears roll down his face as he chuckled softly. "I was really scared. I didn't... I _don't_ want our friendship to end."

"It won't" Magnus guaranteed, firmly. "I promise. I was just in a crisis. Remember what I told you about me being more in control of my emotions now? Turns out that isn't always truth. I'm weak. I'm not perfect, even though I wish I was".

Alec's heart tightened. _'Yes, you are perfect',_ he wanted to tell him. 

"You're not weak" He said. "You're _so strong._ Just please... If you could try not to do this again--"

"I won't" He quickly responded. "You have my word. I shouldn't have done that. It's not something friends should do. And you still needed my help with rehearsing... I'm truly sorry, Alexander. Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

"Of course, Magnus" Alec told him as firmly as he could. He did _not_ want Magnus to feel bad. "Please don't feel guilty, okay? We all have our struggles. It's over now. Let's just move on from that, alright? I'm not mad, don't worry. I just wanna see you again". 

He could hear the other boy sighing, probably from relief. He just really needed to hug Magnus really tight.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow at school. Do you have Math or History in the morning?"

"History, yeah" Alec confirmed, his sorrow quickly being replaced by a growing wave of joy. 

"Okay" Magnus said again. "And then, after school, we can rehearse on stage again. Ms. Ashdown postponed the beginning of the official rehearsals, but it's still very close. We need to be ready".

"Yeah" The tall boy was finally able to open up a smile. "That would be great. I can't wait. And... If you want to talk about what happened, we can--"

"No, I'm good" Alec immediately understood that he didn't want to talk about it. He had to respect that. Magnus and him had shared a lot of personal stuff, but that didn't mean that he was comfortable in opening up _all_ the time. "Let's just move on, like you said". 

"Yeah. Alright". They both went silent, but Alec stayed in line, listening to Magnus' breathing, as if hanging up would make him lose the boy again. 

Finally, Magnus broke the silence with an awkward cough. 

"I have to go now. I have to clean my room before the old fart gets home".

"Alright" Alec said. "Please be okay, yeah? Take care". 

"I will. See you tomorrow". 

"I'm looking forward to". 

He didn't move a muscle until Magnus hang up. He then let go of his phone and took a deep breath, laying back against his pillow and smiling, his eyes closed and his heart warm.

"I told you" Isabelle said as she caressed her brother's arm. "Everything is back to normal now. It was just a little crisis".

"I'm _so relieved,_ Izzy. Thank you for talking to him. I couldn't bare losing this right now". 

They hugged again, Izzy's tight embrace completing his joy. The last five days had been terrifying, and it felt great to not have to worry anymore.

He still had Magnus. Everything was fine. 

 

***

 

 **Friday, 4:20 PM**

Alec could barely hold back his excitement as he moved towards the amphitheatre to rehearse with Magnus again, his walking stick touching the floor and his hand running through the walls to make sure he was on the right direction.

It had been a _great_ day. Magnus went to him as soon as he arrived at school, keeping him company on the hallway as they headed over to History class. They shared three classes on the morning and two on the afternoon; which was a fairly good number, but still not nearly as much as Alec wished it was. He just didn't want to be apart from Magnus _at all_ in school - but Dot and Simon were good company, too. Either way, it was good not having to be alone in the classroom anymore. 

Alec had also had lunch with Magnus and Dot again, and hung out with them in every break between classes - just like it should've always been, in his eyes. He didn't care that people whispered around them when they were seen together; it felt _right._ He was so happy to not have lost that. It would've been _soul crushing._ Alec felt more alive and joyful than he had ever felt inside that school. 

They didn't discuss Magnus' _crisis;_ Magnus simply didn't bring it up, so Alec felt like he shouldn't either. And he didn't really feel the need to. They were together again, laughing, talking about silly stuff, sharing their souls with each other. That was all that mattered. 

When he finally got to the amphitheatre, Magnus was already there, waiting for him. The boys greeted each other and talked for a while before finally getting to work. 

Once again, as Alec performed his lines on the stage, Magnus oriented him about his positioning, the direction of his eyes, his moving around and the details of his character's interactions. Claudius was a pretty big role, and Alec felt nervous, but Magnus was a great director, so he was slowly feeling less and less lost with his scenes. The first rehearsal with Ms. Ashdown and the cast would happen next Tuesday, and he felt like he actually _could_ prove himself to his teacher.

Sometimes, Magnus would hug Alec from behind and touch him in order to put him into the right direction, and the tall boy felt his upper body tingling, his heart beating so loud that he could hear it and his stomach twisting. 

He definitely pretended to have more difficulties than he really did so that the rehearsal would be extended and Magnus would touch him again a few more times. The way in which his soft hands touched Alec's skin and the smell of him from up close; it was all so _intoxicating,_ and it actually made it harder for him to focus, but _God,_ was it worth it. 

After they had been doing that for a couple hours, both the boys decided to take a break. Alec sat on the corner of the stage, his back against the wall, and soon he heard Magnus sitting in front of him.

"Your hair looks different today" Magnus noted, to which Alec responded with a smile. Earlier that morning, he had decided to do his hair a little differently than usual, not brushing it so meticulously anymore, but letting it be a little more _rebel_ instead. He was kinda tired of being the perfect looking guy for the appreciation of a bunch of people who didn't really care about him. He had been wondering if Magnus wasn't going to notice it, and it was satisfying that he did. 

"Does it look good?" He asked. "I kinda grew tired of always combing so carefully, you know. Just so I would look neat and tidy for some folks who don't really mean nothing to me".

"It looks _great."_ The other boy told him. "I like it a lot. Rebel suits you".

Alec tried to conceal his blushing. It felt really nice to hear that. His arms started tingling again. Magnus was _so special_ to him.

"Can I do something?" He asked. 

"What?" Magnus inquired.

"Come a little closer." 

He soon felt Magnus' smell getting nearer again. 

"I'm here" The boy told him, and Alec could feel his hot breath on his skin and _fuck,_ he could enter a trance right there. 

Instead, however, he sighed against Magnus' face, making an effort not to get lost in his feelings. He then raised his hands and proceeded to touch his cheek.

"I wanna know what you look like" He explained as he softly ran the tip of fingers through the entirety of Magnus' face. "If you don't mind".

"Okay" Magnus whispered, so he went on. His chin was chiseled and his nose was flat and larger around the nostrils; his cheekbones were high, but not super defined; he could feel that his traits were strong - an angular face - but also soft in a way. His lips were thin, and the upper one was plump. He was _beautiful._ Alec wanted to tell him that, but he held back. He was _fascinated_ by Magnus' face and the image that he had now painted of the boy on his head. It was definitely a face he would be thinking of quite often. 

"So... Like what you see?" Magnus joked as Alec gently moved his hands away from him, smiling. "Do you do this with everyone?"

Alec chuckled. 

"Only the ones who really matter" He explained, his breathing getting heavy with Magnus sitting between his legs. 

"Well, that's relieving to know, Alexander". 

They both chuckled, and everything suddenly felt so right and so _precious_ for Alec. 

"Can I ask you something?" He said. "Why do you call me Alexander? No one else calls me that".

"Well, then there's your answer" Magnus explained. "I wanna have my own unique way of addressing you. I like being memorable. Unless you don't like it, of course."

"Oh no, don't worry. I like it. I like that it's... _Unique."_

_'No need to worry about being memorable',_ Alec thought to himself. _'I think about you pretty much all the time'._ The fact that Magnus consciously wanted to call him by something that no one else did, the fact that he wanted to have his own internal thing with Alec, made him feel like flying. To know that they had their own _special_ little things. He was not used to being referred to by his actual name, but he would gladly be Alexander for Magnus.

"I saw Jace today" Magnus suddenly said, wiping Alec's smile away from his face. "Are the two of you still not talking?"

Alec pursed his lips, wishing he hadn't brought that up.

"Yeah" He admitted. "We had a sort of a fight and haven't really sorted it out yet".

The other boy was in silence for a few seconds.

"Well, that's a shame" He said. "You guys seemed to be really close".

Alec nodded and crossed his arms. He didn't want to think about Jace while he was with Magnus. Magnus was his safe place, and Jace meant nothing but anger for him at that moment.

"Maybe we will" He told Magnus. "I don't know. Who knows? Maybe I'll decide to talk to him about it one of these days". 

"Yeah. Just don't push yourself, you know? It can be difficult when you're having these feelings for him".

Alec bit his lip. 

"Yeah, actually..." He coughed. "I'm not, anymore. I think I'm getting over that".

"Oh! For real?" Magnus exclaimed. "That's great!"

"Yes" Alec nodded. _If only he knew._ "I just... Kinda realized that it's not really what I want, you know?" 

_'Because what I want is you',_ he mentally added. 

"I see. That's actually really interesting, because... I have been thinking the same about Raphael, lately". 

Alec raised his eyebrows, feeling as if his heart could explode. 

_"Really?"_ He couldn't conceal his happiness. 

"Yep. Like I said before, I was just feeling very lost and lonely, you know? It was... A _confusion_ of me".

Alec smiled, breathing carefully and slowly so he wouldn't start _laughing_ out of pure joy. Not only because Magnus was no longer crushing on someone else, but also because he was finally moving away from that place of _pain._ To witness that burden leaving Magnus' heart was like feel it leaving _his own._

"Funny how much things can change in a few weeks, isn't it?" Magnus laughed. "You and me, right here. Doing theater together. Me not thinking about Raphael anymore. It's crazy".

Alec grinned.

"Tell me about it" He said. "A few weeks ago, I wouldn't ever even _think_ of not following the perfect path that my parents have set for me. Now... I'm here, doing theater and questioning whether or not I should actually go to Law school". 

It slipped from his lips before he knew, but he didn't mind. As usual, he just felt like baring himself in front of Magnus. 

"That's something I didn't know" Magnus noted. "You haven't told me about that. Are you really starting to question that?"

Alec took a deep sigh. That was such a _complicated_ topic for him.

"I don't know. I just... I planned on studying to be a lawyer only because mom and dad always told me to and I never questioned it, you know? It seemed like a good plan. But now... I don't know. I feel like doing something different, sometimes. Something _outside the box._ I'm not sure I want to have their normal boring job. Maybe I was born to be an actor. Maybe working with art is what I'd really like to do. But... Yeah, it's complicated".

Magnus was quiet for a while. Then, he said:

"Yeah, growing up is definitely difficult. But it's also very healthy to ask yourself those questions. We don't need to be certain of anything just yet. We're young. We have plenty of time. You never know what you can come to discover about yourself."

_'Gosh, how can he be so perfect and incredible?'_ Alec just wanted to pull him closer and kiss him _so hard._ But that was, sadly, just something for his imagination.

"Yeah. But I don't know. It's complicated when you're a Lightwood. You're supposed to be on the right track as soon as you leave school" He explained.

Magnus sighed.

"Are you, really?" He inquired. _"I know, I know,_ you guys value tradition a lot, but... Not everyone can always fit into traditions. Your questioning is proof of that. I don't know, Alec... I don't want to push you into suddenly not caring about the things you care about, but you _are,_ quite clearly, a very artistic person, and a talented one, too. And if that turned out to be your calling... I would hate it to see you turning away from it only to fullfil other people's expectations. That's it". 

Alec frowned, thinking about those words. It was all just so difficult. He didn't want to disappoint his family, he didn't want to be the black sheep, but he also didn't want to be _unhappy._

And that wasn't the only thing that made him anxious, either. Being around Magnus was more relaxing and fun than anything else in his life, but he couldn't help but want _more._ He wanted to kiss Magnus' lips, and to have him around his arms. He didn't want to be just a friend. And when he remembered that he was probably, once again, trapped in unrequited feelings, developing a desire that just would not be fulfilled, his heart started to ache a little. _Shit._ And it didn't matter that Magnus wasn't into Raphael anymore; Alec was still pretty sure that he'd be the _last_ person that the boy would look at as a potential lover. 

He tried to focus on the thought of his theater skills developing; that was something he was excited about. But still, his mind couldn't help but wander back to the anxieties of craving distant, unreachable things.

 

***

 

**Tuesday, 5 PM**

The rehearsals with the cast happened and they were great. After all classes were over, Alec and Magnus met at the hallway and headed together to the amphitheatre, where some of their colleagues were already waiting. Some of them were people whose voices Alec recognized; Aline Penhallow, Emma Carstairs, Maureen Brown and a few others. Most of the people who were arriving, however, were completely strangers to him; he really didn't talk to a lot of people in school. 

After he had been waiting besides Magnus for a while, Ms. Ashdown finally got there. She started organizing things first, calling everyone by name and making sure they knew which character they were playing and what their scenes were. Alec was starting to get nervous, breathing heavily and his hands sweating; when Ms. Ashdown called his name, he felt like she was staring at him. However, when he felt Magnus' hand on his arm, everything felt easy again. 

And it all turned out to be not so scary, after all. Even though it was a shorter adaptation of the original Hamlet, it took quite some time for him to get on stage, since neither him nor Magnus were in the first scene; that gave Alec time to prepare himself a little more and try to calm down. And watching the others helped him, too; he realized that _everyone_ had their difficulties and little things that needed to be corrected - and at least he knew all of his lines, which was more than some people there could say.

Needless to say, Magnus was flawless; everything about his performance left Alec _electrified -_ and a little more anxious. The boy was his partner for most of the play, and he would have to put on a _strong_ game to be on the same level. But then again, he had done that before with Magnus, and there was no one on Earth he'd rather do it with. 

Luckily, the teacher was much nicer than he'd expected when directing them; Alec did have some failures that demanded correction, but not much more than the other students - he wasn't even the hardest one to coach, like he thought he would be. 

After they were done, Alec was _so grateful_ and relieved. He wasn't perfect, but he was on the way. It felt incredible to be succeeding on that challenge and taking another step closer to proving himself to Robert and Maryse. Magnus truly was the best for allowing him to do that. 

As they were leaving the amphitheatre together at the end of the day, having rehearsed up until Act IV, Alec was in pure bliss. As soon as they got to the empty hallways, Alec pulled Magnus close to hug him tightly. 

"I'm so happy!" He said, smiling as the other boy hugged him back. _"This is working,_ Magnus! I can't believe it! I'm actually doing this play! This is going to be _so amazing."_

As they pulled away from the hug, Alec bit his lip, considering whether or not he should thank Magnus again. He felt like he needed to, but he knew the boy wouldn't want him to. 

_"Of course_ you're doing it" Magnus told him. "You're crazy talented, Alexander. Don't forget that. I wouldn't be able to turn you into a good Claudius if you weren't".

"Well, coming from you, that's a _huge_ compliment" He chuckled, blushing and feeling butterflies through his tummy. "Your acting makes me speechless". 

_"Are you thirsty, faggot?"_

Magnus didn't have time to answer him before that unfamiliar voice shouted at their direction and the sound of something metallic crashing and liquid being spilled was heard. He turned his head, confused, but the laughs of scorn were already getting distant, running towards the outside. 

_"Fuck my life"_ Magnus said, and Alec could hear liquid dropping to the floor. 

"What happened?? Magnus, are you okay?!?" He started shaking, and it was suddenly hard to breath. 

"They just... threw a can of soda at me. I'm fine. _Fuck,_ I'll have to go clean myself."

Alec's head felt dizzy, and the pictures inside of it got blurry, gray and _bitter._ He was breathing heavily, his heart pounding inside his chest. His blood started boiling, his skin getting hotter as he frowned with uncontrollable rage. 

"They shouldn't have done this". 

Magnus tried to stop him, holding him by his arms, but he pulled away from the boy and kept on moving towards the exit, taking large and angry steps as he touched the walls for orientation. Someone had to learn a lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in love!alec and protective!alec are my favorite alecs - said someone with good taste. anyways, the mutual pining is ON hehe  
> also magnus and alec supporting each other on theater is precious for me :') I hope it is for you guys, too  
> thanks again to everyone who's reading and leaving kudos and commenting, keep 'em coming! this is being a beautiful ride and I'm over the moon with the 3K+ hits. chapter 11 is coming on the next couple of days <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Something happens and I'm head over heels  
> I never find out till I'm head over heels  
> Something happens and I'm head over heels  
> Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart  
> Don't, don't, don't throw it away'

**Tuesday, 6:30 PM**

_"Alexander!_ Stop right the fuck now!" 

Magnus desperately ran through the hallway, not even minding the sticky soda dripping from his hair. Alec passed through the double exit doors, hitting the floor with his walking stick and disappearing into the other side.

"Alec, are you _insane?"_ Magnus slammed the doors open and shouted at him. Alec had stopped running and screaming threatening stuff at the boys. He was now standing still, gasping and frowning, facing the street as the two idiot bullies disappeared through the corner, laughing away. 

"They can't just do that to you!" His voice was shaky and he breathed fast as he turned to Magnus again. "Someone's gotta kick their fucking asses! If I had been a little faster..."

"You would've been _knocked out"_ He said, firmly, touching Alec's arm to try and calm him down. "Don't be reckless! I'm used to being a target, but I don't want you to be one, too. These assholes would love nothing more than to harass the shit out of someone who can't see them coming, and I would _hate_ myself if that happened." 

He didn't want to sound insensitive, but _damn,_ how could Alec risk himself so much like that? As much as a part of him was grateful - and even quite _pleased_ \- that the boy wanted to defend and protect Magnus, it was also very _dangerous_ of him to just act like that. Alec meant _so much_ to him - he would never forgive himself if something bad happened to the boy because of him.

"Well, I _do_ have a stick with me" Alec bit his lip and sighed. His face was burning red under the twilight. "I know it was unwise. It was just my first instinct. It made me so fucking _angry..._ They could've _hurt you,_ Magnus... It's not right! We can't just let that happen!"

He stumbled through every word, as if he was in deep torment. As soon as he finished saying that, he pulled Magnus closer for a hug. Magnus' stomach started tickling and chills went down his spine as he put his arms around Alec's tall, slim body. He smelled _so good,_ and Magnus appreciated him _so much._ Even though he acted like what had just happened wasn't a big deal, that support right there was _everything_ to him. 

"I just need you to be safe" Alec said, his face buried on Magnus' shoulder. 

"It was just soda, Alexander" He whispered while pulling away from the hug, not wanting to leave Alec's shirt soaking in Coke. "Don't worry. I'll be fine. I've survived through all of these years, I can survive a few more months. They won't do anything too bad to me". 

Alec took a deep breath.

"What if they do? Magnus, you have to talk to someone who can help--"

"I will." He instantly cut the boy off. "I'll go to the principal tomorrow. And I'll make sure to pay more attention to my surroundings at all times". 

_'I couldn't pay attention this time because you distract me so fucking much',_ he mentally said. 

"Do you promise you'll do that?" Alec asked him. "Do you swear I don't have to kick their asses?"

_"I promise"_ Magnus was as firm as he could be. "Going after them is a _terrible_ idea, Alexander. You don't need to do that. _Please_ don't be reckless like this again. I worry about you just as much as you worry about me. I'll be safe, but you have to be, too".

"Okay" Alec nodded. "I'm sorry. I'll just trust you". 

The upside of Alec not being able to see Magnus was that he could stare at the boy with his yearning look without being afraid - _'If he could see the way I'm looking at him right now, he would probably run down the street like crazy',_ He thought. Staring at Alec under the setting sun on the cloudy sky, the wind messing with his dark hair, he was just _hypnotized._ Having the boy display care and worries about him made his heart _pound._ He wanted nothing more than for Alec to keep him safe and sound around his very arms. 

But that wasn't possible, so he was at a dead end once again. 

They went back to school so Magnus could pick up some napkins in order to clean his face and his neck. Soon, Isabelle arrived to pick Alec up - the girl was kind enough to give Magnus a ride home too, which he allowed himself to accept. 

As soon as Magnus got home, he went straight to his room, barely even getting rid of his bag with books. He laid down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Then, he closed his eyes and unzipped his pants, gasping at the touch of his own right hand. 

He thought of angry and protective Alec wanting to kick those boys' asses. Alec Lightwood, his face burning with anger, wanting to defend Magnus. That aroused him - _a lot._

It didn't take too long before he felt the release coming, covering himself with that liquid guilt. He then had to stop to face what he had just done. He had just pleasured himself to the thought of Alec being intensely protective over him. 

But that wasn't even the worst part; no, the worst part was that, after cleaning himself up and zipping his pants again, the arousal leaving his being, he still couldn't get that image out of his head. It _still_ made his heart race. The desire of his body was momentarily gone, but the desire of his heart kept on burning incessantly. 

He needed to talk to Dot.

 

*** 

 

**8:30 PM**

"U there?" 

Magnus typed the message quickly and nervously, pressing send and taking a deep sigh. He then put his phone aside and thoughtfully stared at the posters on his wall, blasting to David Bowie's 'Rebel Rebel' on his headphones and touching the soft blanket that covered him as he waited for Dot to answer. Even while gazing at Lady Gaga's face on his wall, Alec was all that he could think of.

As soon as he grabbed his phone again, the notification appeared over Martin Gore's eyes on his lockscreen. He unlocked it at looked at the text.

"Yeah. What's up?"

He took a deep breath. If he was going to admit that, he was going to be straightforward about it. So he didn't hesitate when texting her: 

"I'm in love with Alec". 

This time, the 'seen' status appeared in less than a second. Soon, Dot was typing. However, she stopped. A few seconds passed by without an answer. He decided to send another text.

"Idk what to do. I can't stop thinking about him". 

Dot started typing again.

She sent a shocked emoji. Magnus hated when she sent emoji-only texts. 

"I knew it was only a matter of time" She sent next.

Magnus rolled his eyes and grunted. 

"Fuck off. I need ur help! I just got over Raphael only to jump into another one-sided agony ride. I need u w me more than ever :( "

"Oh bby. 

Dw. it'll be ok."

"No it won't" He punched each letter with intensity, his teeth clenched. 

"Well, first of all" She replied.

"How are you rly sure it's unrequited?"

Magnus chuckled to himself.

"Oh, I am".

"Don't be naive, Dot. Of course it is. He would never think of me like that". 

Once again, there was a few moments of the girl typing and hesitating. 

"Y not?"

He sighed. 

"Do i really have to explain?"

"I don't fit into Alec's life. I'm not a part of his world. I'm just not."

"He's surrounded by Jace Herondales. I'm just an outcast".

He pursed his lips. He had been sure of that for quite some time, but to actually say it to someone else hurt a little. 

"Jace Herondale's an ass" She said. Magnus couldn't help but laugh. 

"Idk, Magnus. You guys have a lot more in common than you'd originally thought. Who knows? I wouldn't be giving up so soon if I were you". 

He frowned. As much as he wanted to follow her way of thinking, he didn't really think there was anything to give up on. It wasn't a matter of _trying._ He was just fully convinced that it was a game already lost.

"I know it's hard to be hopeful after the Raphael thing" She said. "But... Idk. I don't mean to say you should jump onto him with your feelings or anything - definitely be more careful than you were w/ Raphael! Don't risk urself too much. But... Maybe just try a little bit? I dunno. Nothing's impossible". 

Magnus stared at the screen, but he didn't know what to type, because he simply couldn't bring himself to believe her. The thought of him possibly losing Alec in the same way he had lost Raphael was the scariest thing. So he would just have to get over it. 

"It's just so hard, y'know. I hate this. I hate being a teenager". 

He wanted to say a lot more, but that was all that he could put into words. 

"I know" Dot texted.

"And if you need a shoulder to rely on, I'm always here. Do you want me to come over?" 

Magnus thought for a while, but it didn't take too long for him to know what the answer to that was:

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll bring vanilla ice cream."

"Pls do". 

He put the cellphone aside again. Then he removed his headphones and inhaled deeply through his nose. 

"Alec is just a friend" He mentally told himself, as if that would help him not suffer anymore. "He cares about me because I'm his _friend._ There's nothing more to it. I cannot fool myself. He does _not_ have romantic feelings for me". 

He needed to muffle that voice, just as muffled as the sound of his grandfather watching TV on the living room on the other side of the hallway; just like he had muffled all of his other pains. He _would_ muffle that voice. That stupid, annoying voice on the back of his mind that insisted on saying:

_"What if he does?"_

 

***

 

**Wednesday, 2:45 PM**

 

"Excuse me. Mr. Magnus Bane, would you please follow me to the principal's office?" 

Magnus' heart skipped a beat as he looked at Dot, sat right beside him, his eyes wide open in fear and confusion. 

"What the hell?" He whispered. But Dot poked him firmly with her elbow, so he coughed and got up from his desk, everyone on the classroom silently staring at him as he walked towards the door to follow Ms. Silverhood, wondering what could've happened and why was she interrupting Spanish class to take him to the principal. 

"Did I do something?" He asked as soon as the classroom's door was closed behind them.

"He just wants to ask you about something" She smiled at him as they walked through the hallways.

Magnus sighed in relief. Mr. Blackthorn probably just wanted to ask him some stuff about theater class, like he had done before, he figured. After all, Magnus was known to be one of Ms. Ashdown's most dedicated students. 

But when they arrived at his office, his relief melted down, and he froze up. Alec was sitting in one of the leather chairs in front of the principal's table, a very serious expression on his face. _Oh, shit._ What the fuck was going on in there? 

"Sit down, Mr. Bane" Mr. Blackthorn said with a warm smile. Alec turned his head to the side as soon as he heard Magnus' name. He was still serious.

"Alec? Why are you here?" He asked, sitting on the chair next to the boy. "What's going on?" 

"Mr. Lightwood said you had something to tell me" The man informed, staring at him. Magnus raised his eyebrows and looked from him to Alec, feeling dizzy. 

"He did?" 

Alec faced Magnus with his brows raised. 

"Come on, Magnus" He said. "Tell Mr. Blackthorn about what happened".

"Oh" He sighed. _Goddammit._ Alec just couldn't let it be, could he? 

"He said some fellow mates from your year have been bothering you" The principal continued. "He said you were being _harassed._ He didn't give me any names, but he guaranteed me that you would. Is that true, Mr. Bane?" 

Magnus bit his lip and sighed. He looked over at Alec, who was still facing him with that begging expression. 

"I mean... Not quite" He said, hating himself for how Alec looked at him next - confused and desperate. "He's not lying. It was just a... A misunderstood. I'm not being harassed. I just had a disagreement with some of my colleagues". 

"Mr. Blackthorn, that is not the case!" The tall boy protested. "Magnus, why are you _lying?"_

"I'm not lying, Alexander!" It was terrible to have to _act_ like that, but it was what he felt like he had to do. "You just got it all wrong! Don't worry. And don't worry either, Mr. Blackthorn. I'm _fine._ Nothing bad happened. I don't feel bothered by anyone at all". 

"Are you sure?" The old man insisted. "Magnus, you don't have to be afraid of anyone. If someone threatened you, you don't have to be silent. We'll take care of it. No student should feel unsafe on my school". 

"Nobody's _threatened_ me!" Magnus tried to casually laugh. At least _that_ wasn't a lie. "You know how it is with us, teenage boys. We can get real angry sometimes. But I'm not a victim of any sort of bullying. Alec's just worrying too much". 

He glanced over at Alec again, who was frowning at him, a look of disappointment on his face. Magnus hated himself for that. His heart ached. But he _had_ to avoid trouble. 

"Well, if you say so..." Mr. Blackthorn finally said. "But I'll say it again; if you feel threatened by anything or anyone, do _not_ hide it, Mr. Bane. I need all of you to be safe". 

"I understand" Magnus nodded while getting up from his seat and forcing himself to open his most cordial smile. "Now, if you excuse me, I have to go back to class". 

As soon as he left the room, breathing heavily, Alec showed up behind him and touched his shoulder.

_"What the hell, Magnus?"_ He whispered, following Magnus through the hallway with his walking stick. _"Why_ did you lie? I was going to _help_ you!"

"You don't need to" He stopped walking and turned around to tell Alec. "And there's nothing that can be done. Alexander, I told you, I'm _used_ to it. They can't break me down. I truly enjoy your intentions to protect me, I really do, but what you were about to do would only cause trouble. Those guys, they're violent. They would get _real_ pissed off if we got them into trouble with the principal, and he's not fully trustable to protect us from getting our asses handled, as much as I wish he was. The best thing to do is just to _avoid confrontation._ I know what I'm talking about. I've been dealing with this for years". 

Alec took a deep sigh and crossed his arms.

"But I just can't stand it!" He said. "These pieces of shit doing those things to you. It's not right. It has to stop! I... I worry so much about you, Magnus". 

Even amidst all of that stress, Magnus felt butterflies in his stomach. Still, he said:

"You don't have to. I know how to take care of myself. I've been doing just fine for all this time. I like that you care about me. But don't stress over it, alright? Just trust me".

Alec was silent for a few seconds. Finally, he said:

"Alright. I trust you. But can I still ask you to do something?" 

"What is it?"

The boy bit his lip.

"There's a can of pepper spray in my backpack. I carry it around in case I have to, you know, defend myself. But I have another one at home".

Magnus chuckled.

"You want me to carry pepper spray around?"

_"Please,_ Magnus. I swear it would make me less worried".

Magnus rolled his eyes, smiling.

"Okay, Alexander. I will carry your can of pepper spray around. Is that enough?"

"Yes."

The joyful smile that took over Alec's face made everything worth it and brighter for a few seconds. It was hard to think of anything that he wouldn't do to keep that beautiful bright smile intact. 

 

***

 

**10:45 PM**

"Isabelle's throwing this birthday party for Simon on Saturday, at our place. It starts at 8 pm. Everyone's coming. Dot's invited, too. Do you want us to pick you up?" 

Magnus raised an eyebrow upon hearing Alec's audio. He then proceeded to record an answer.

"Uh, no, don't worry. I can catch an Uber".

Magnus clicked on his own audio. It took only a few seconds before Alec had played it. He then started recording another one. 

"Nonsense" The boy said with his warm, friendly voice. "You're my guest of honor. I won't be able to survive it without you. I'll have Izzy pick you up". 

Magnus' face immediately went warm upon hearing that. He would definitely save that audio to hear it again later. Would it be weird if he made it his alarm sound?, he wondered. 

"Okay, then. If you insist" He sent back, smiling. His eyelids were heavy; it was late and he needed to sleep, but he just couldn't get tired of talking to Alec and listening to the sound of his voice. 

"Also" Alec said in his next audio. "Do you think we could, um... Maybe do that LGBT movies marathon sometime this week?"

Magnus smiled, his heart filled with joy.

"Yeah, sure" He answered. "Tomorrow after class?"

"That sounds good, yeah." The boy said. 

Magnus stared at the screen a little while longer, still smiling, none of them sending anything else. He wished Alec was laying right there with him, instead of just talking to him through the phone. 

He was almost falling asleep, his cellphone still on his hands, when the warning that Alec was recording another audio made him open his eyes real wide again. 

"What do you think I should wear? I mean, for the party?" He said.

Magnus thought for a while before recording his answer.

"I don't know? You're always stylish. Don't worry, we have three days. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Isabelle can help you".

Seen. Alec is recording an audio...

"I'm kinda nervous. There's going to be a lot of people. And as you know, all they care about when it comes to me it's how I look, which I have no real idea of. It makes me anxious, you know, that my worth as a person is in something I'm not really aware of."

Magnus pursed his lips, his heart heavy. 

"Your worth as a person is _not_ on how you look, Alexander. Okay? It's in your intelligence, and your kindness. It's in your authenticity, your braveness and your refusal to let yourself be shaped by adversities. You understand? Don't ever say that". 

He feared that he could be exposing his feelings a little too much, but he _needed_ to make sure that Alec knew that there was _so many_ things to be appreciated about him as a person. 

"Thank you so much. You're the best. Like, really. You're my favorite". 

Magnus' whole body began to tingle, from his face to his feet. He closed his eyes and let that sink in, his heart pounding. Now _that_ was a great nominee for his new alarm sound. 

"You're welcome" He told Alec, trying not to sound too joyful. "I should probably go now. I have to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

The other boy was quick to respond.

"Okay. I should be going to sleep as well. Good night. I... See ya tomorrow."

"Good night, Alec."

He tossed his phone to the side and buried his head on his pillow, blushing like crazy as he pulled his blanket to cover his shoulders. He _did_ need to sleep, but now he didn't know if he would be able to. His breathing was heavy. His thoughts were unstoppable. He was on cloud nine.

_"You're the best."_

_"You're my favorite."_

Those words would definitely be repeating in a loop on Magnus' head until he fell asleep. And that was a great way to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not much happened on this chapter, I know, but the next one is already currently on the works. I'm truly sorry that this one didn't come out as soon as I had promised, but I was just having a really hard time on focusing on writing. You see, I'm from Brazil, and in case you guys haven't heard the news, a fascist, LGBTphobic, racist, misogynistic, pro-torture, pro-military dictatorship just got elected as our new president. Our country has been through a really dark dictatorship before, and this man already has the police and the justice system on his side, so we people from the left and/or who are part of minorities are really, really scared for what's going to happen. the scenery is not good at all, and I'm currently just trying my best to be somewhat hopeful and strong, but next year will certainly not be an easy one. our queer community is already dying like crazy, so yeah, if y'all could just send some positive thoughts and energies our way, It would be really appreciated :-/ But don't worry, this story is far from over and I will be still investing my efforts on it until the very end. It has been really healthy for me and it helps me not stress too much. With that being said, if you guys could just continue on leaving your kind reviews and feedback on this story, that would be great - I'm really thankful for them, and I don't like begging for feedback, but writing this story and putting it out there knowing that there are people who enjoy it is something that is really helping me not get too depressed right now - and I need to stay hopeful and strong in order to survive on this political climate. Anyways, that's it, sorry for the big ass text, thanks again to all my readers and let me know how you're liking this. 
> 
> and a P.S.: In case you care about what's happening here and want to help, this website allows you to donate money that will be sent to non-profit organizations that help troubled queer youth, women and people of color in Brazil. We need those organizations more than ever and if you could donate just a little bit it would mean a lot, you can read more about it on the site: https://www.nooneleftbehind.org.br/
> 
> p.s. 2: Y'all should watch out for this birthday party. Ijs *eyes emoji*


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'When I'm close to you  
> We blend into my favourite colour  
> I'm bright baby blue  
> Fallin' into you, falling for each other'

**Thursday, 9 AM**

"She's a feminist icon!" Dot exclaimed as her, Alec and Magnus walked together through the loud and crowded hallway. "She was the first Disney princess to take her own goddamn sword to defeat the villain herself! _And_ her man is a bisexual legend. Also, have I mentioned Mushu?"

Alec chuckled at her.

"Okay, Dot. You have some good points" He said. "But, overall, I still think The Lion King is superior. Just give up! You're not going to convince me that Mulan is the best Disney movie from the 90s." 

The girl sighed and grunted at him.

"I cannot believe this!" She insisted. "Magnus, will you please get off that phone and help me?"

"Sorry" Magnus said, walking right by Alec's left side. "I was just sending Simon some biology files. But you're both wrong, anyway. Everyone knows the best Disney movie from the 90s is Aladdin."

Dot laughed.

"You're so predictable" She told him. 

"Whatever" The boy snapped back at her. "I have to head over to my Psychology elective, yeah? See you guys later". 

"See ya" Alec said, turning his head as he heard the boy stepping away, his smell slowly leaving the surroundings. 

"We still have 15 minutes until Physics" Dot told him as they were standing still in the hallway. "I think I'll go to the restroom, if you don't mind waiting for me?" 

"Yeah, sure. I'll wait here".

"It won't take me long, okay?" And then she left. Alec took a deep breath, standing still, slightly nervous about being alone in the hallways, in the middle of all the people passing by. He took a few steps forward, stretching his arms in front of him to search for an empty wall between the lockers which he could stand against - he didn't want to get on people's way and have them bumping into him. 

As soon as he stood against the wall, holding his backpack on his arms while waiting for Dot, he heard another female voice close to him say:

"Good morning, handsome!" 

He raised his eyebrows. It had been a while since he hadn't talked to Lydia.

"Well hey, Lydia" He said, grinning friendly, trying not to get too uncomfortable. "How you've been doing?" 

"Good!" The girl sounded overly nice - as usual. "What class do you have now?" 

"Physics" He told her, casually pursing his lips. "I'm actually waiting for Dot, we're going together. She's at the restroom".

"Oh" Lydia chuckled - a cordial, not very genuine chuckle. "So you're still hanging out with her and Magnus?"

Alec frowned, suspicious. 

"Yeah, I am" He said, serious. "I like being around them. They're very nice". 

He didn't get an immediate response from the girl. It was only after a few seconds that she sighed and said: 

"Well, I just think it's weird. You know... You were always there, with us. At _our_ table. And then, suddenly... All you care about is these new people. I really _liked_ being around you, Alec. Don't you think it's unfair?"

Alec opened his mouth in disbelief. _Was she serious?_ He chuckled ironically and rolled his eyes as hard as he could under his glasses.

"Look, Lydia... I don't know what to say. You're really nice. But I never really felt like I fit into that environment. I don't want to sound mean, but... I was just afraid of exploring new possibilities. Of meeting new people. I really like all of you, I do, but... You guys were always Isabelle's friends or Jace's friends, not mine. There was just never much of a _connection,_ was there?" 

He heard Lydia gasping at him. 

"Wow. Is this really how you feel?" She asked in a hurt tone of voice. 

Alec bit his lip. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, but there was no way to pretend that her or Clary or any of the other people that he had met through Isabelle and Jace had ever put on any real effort on getting to know him for real.

"I mean... Yes" He admitted. "It's not like any of you ever tried to build something. I was just... There. That's how it was, and you know it."

"Alec!" The girl said, getting closer to him and putting her hand on his chest. Alec quickly touched her to pull it away. "You may think that you were just _there,_ but your mere presence meant _a lot_ to me, you know. Just being close to you. You talked about exploring new possibilities... Well, you know there _is_ one possibility that I would like us to explore. You know what I'm talking about, but you still act like you don't!"

Alec faced the ceiling and took a deep breath, putting his hand on his forehead. His stomach twisted. That was incredibly uncomfortable, and he was getting _really_ nervous. 

"It's not that I act like I don't know, Lydia. There's just _nothing_ that I can do about it. I'm sorry. I never really wanted to... To _go there._ I like someone else."

After he said that, there were a few seconds of awkward, disturbing silence. 

"What about that time we kissed?" She inquired, her voice shaky. 

Alec inhaled through his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Lydia. I was simply allowing you to... Have something, I guess. I shouldn't have done that. It was a mistake." 

"Is it Dot?" She barely let him finish. "You know what, Alec? You're making a mistake, and one day you'll see that. Those people aren't right for you. You should _not_ be hanging out with them. I mean, they're already getting you into trouble, aren't they?"

The boy started to feel his blood boiling, slowly getting real angry at her for saying those words. _Who the hell_ did she think she was?

_"Trouble?"_ He asked. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I've heard you were looking for fights" She said, with an upset, presumptuous tone of voice. "Screaming at people on the sidewalk outside school. Then the next day you were at Mr. Blackthorn's office. Is that what you really want for your life, Alec?"

He was now breathing heavily, completely angry, just wishing for her to get the hell out and not come close him again. 

"Frankly, that's none of your business." He noted, firmly. "My life is _my_ problem. You think that because I have a disability you're suddenly entitled to tell me who I should or shouldn't hang out with? To act like you're my fucking _mom?_ Well, you're wrong. I would rather keep on hanging out with Magnus and Dot and not go back to the _royal table._ I've finally met people who actually show interest in _who I am._ Deal with it. Now, please, _leave."_

"Alec, I don't--" 

_"Leave,_ Lydia. I don't wanna hear you anymore. If you stay here, I'm gonna put my headphones on and I won't be able to listen to a word you say. Leave". 

He was able to hear her taking one last deep sigh before finally starting to walk away. 

Alec crossed his arms and shook his head in disbelief. He was feeling stressed, but also somewhat _satisfied_ for having managed to get those things off his chest and stand up for his friends and for his own choices. He _hated_ when people felt like they had the right to control him like a puppet, and it felt _liberating_ to let her know that. In other times, he would've just held himself back and try his hardest to act nice and be complacent despite feeling bothered and upset; but he now liked to believe that those times were gone. He was changing, and starting to build a confidence and slowly taking control of his own life; he wouldn't just lower his head and let people treat him like a poor baby anymore. He was his own person, not other people's toy. 

And it was undeniable that he owed a lot of that to meeting Magnus and beginning to try new things with the boy; with him and Dot, he felt _free;_ he felt like he meant something. He no longer gave a shit if some people weren't supportive of their friendship.

With that confident mindset, Alec just acted chill and cool when Dot returned from the restroom and they headed to Physics together, as if nothing stressful had happened at all. He wouldn't let Lydia's arrogance ruin his day; after school, he had a movie marathon with Magnus to look forward to. And oh, _did he look forward to it._ Magnus' grandfather would be away, sleeping at the hospital in order to keep company to a distant family member who was sick, and Alec had convinced his parents that he would be studying at Simon's until 10 pm, so they had time to watch about three LGBTQ+ documentaries, which would be carefully selected by Magnus. 

Just thinking about it was enough to get his heart racing. He just couldn't _wait_ for the hours to pass by. 

 

***

 

**4:30 PM**

Alec hugged his knees to his chest, sitting barefoot on the fluffy carpet and anxiously moving his toes as he waited for Magnus to get to the living room with the popcorn. He could already hear the sound of the corn bursting at the kitchen, the delicious smell slowly filling his nostrils. 

"So, can I 100% trust you when you say that you won't get in trouble for being here 'til 10?" Magnus said as he suddenly entered the room, the smell of popcorn mixed with his own. 

Alec chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah" He reassured the boy, who sat by his side. "Maryse thinks I'm at Simon's, studying. I told him to cover up for me in case she asks."

"Oh" He heard Magnus placing the bowl of popcorn at the floor and opening a can of soda, which he handed to Alec. "So she still doesn't know you've been coming to my place?" 

Alec pursed his lips, nervous. It was hard to decipher Magnus' voice tone, and whether he was upset or simply asking. 

"No. I... I don't know how she'd react" He admitted, slowly and careful. "She doesn't really care who Isabelle hangs out with, but when it comes to me, she's overprotective. She's not always super chill about me being alone with people who aren't from our usual social circle. She knows Isabelle and I are friends with you, but I think it might take a while for her to... You know, _trust_ you. I'm sorry, I know it sucks. I wish she wasn't like that. I think you're completely trustable, obviously. I mean, you're my best friend, at this point". 

The other boy didn't answer him immediately, which made him nervous. But then, he said:

"Oh, that's really nice to know, Alexander. I'm... Honored. Truly."

He coughed awkwardly, and Alec grinned. Of course, he didn't expect Magnus to feel the same way; he had been friends with Dot for much longer and was obviously closer to her. But for Alec, that was the truth. At that point in his life, he had no other friend in whom he trusted more - not even Jace anymore. But then again, he wanted Magnus to be a lot _more_ than a friend... 

"Don't worry" Magnus said, with that warm tone that always made Alec's apprehensions melt away and his heart feel at home. "I know a lot of parents are very protective when it comes to who their children befriend. I can say for sure that my grandpa doesn't like _any_ of my friends. It's alright".

"Yeah" Alec nodded, smiling. "But you will be received with open arms by our whole family, one day. I promise". He wasn't just promising that to Magnus; he was promising it to himself. 

The warm moment of silence that was installed afterwards was interrupted by a Netflix trailer that started to play automatically on the TV.

"So" Magnus coughed. "The first one that I've selected for us to watch is Paris is Burning. Ever heard of it?" 

"I think I might" Alec raised an eyebrow. "In a podcast, once".

"It's my favorite" The boy continued. "An amazing piece of film about the ballroom scene of the 80s in New York, and how important the drag culture was to our community. I think you'll like it". 

"Sounds interesting!" He agreed.

For the next couple hours, they joyfully ate popcorn and drank soda while watching the documentary together, soft drops of rain hitting the window. Alec liked watching documentaries because the interviews made it easier for him to understand the context of things; without seeing stuff, there was a lot that he could miss - even though Magnus did his best to describe some visual elements to him every now and then. 

It was truly a beautiful and very interesting film, and it introduced him to a lot of new knowledge and fascinating things that he wasn't aware of before. The queer community had a beautiful story of resistance and its own unique forms of art and expression; Alec had a superficial idea of those things, but now he was beginning to dive a lot deeper into it, through more than just the surface. It made him feel curious, interested, excited, strong and genuinely _proud._ And whenever there was something that he didn't quite understand, Magnus was more than successful in explaining it all; the boy's intelligence and eloquence with those subjects were _hypnotizing._ It made Alec admire him even more and want to always be around him - to let himself be _entranced_ by all the fascinating things that Magnus had to offer. At times, he would go as far as pretending that he hadn't understood something just so that the boy would explain it to him in his own captivating words - he truly could listen to Magnus speaking for hours and hours. 

The next movie that they watched - _'The Normal Heart'_ \- was not a documentary, but a fictional story based on the real-life events that happened in the US during the AIDS explosion on the 80s, and the fight of gay activists for acknowledgement, awareness and research on the disease, in a time where it was quickly spreading mostly through the queer male community, who the government didn't care about enough to direct resources to. 

That movie ripped tears from Alec's eyes; not only was the main character's love story incredibly tragic, but all of the issues touched by the film were very _upsetting_ and painful. He'd read and heard some stuff about the AIDS crisis before, and how sistematic homophobia had affected the community when the disease started spreading, but he wasn't really aware of how _neglected_ they had been - by the government, by the press, _by the world._ How they had been the first ones to be affected by the epidemic and how they were denied acknowledgement, scientific research and proper care - all those people that had died because no one _cared_ about AIDS until they realized that straight people were at risk, too. No one cared to help when it was only the "gay cancer". 

Magnus noticed his quiet sniffing and the tears coming out of his eyes by the end of the movie, because he said:

"Are you okay? I know, it's really sad. Those were _dark_ times for our people. It makes me super upset too, watching those films and hearing their stories. But I think it's also important, you know".

"Oh, absolutely" Alec agreed, wiping his tears. "This can't be forgotten. _Ever._ All the fight that these people put up, and how the world turned their backs on them. We need to remember those things so we can fight for them to not happen again."

_"Exactly!_ Minorities are always vulnerable to those kinds of sistematic negligence, even today. We can't take our victories for granted. In time of crisis, if we don't fight, our rights are always the first ones to be taken away". 

Alec led his hand to his forehead, and hot tears kept on streaming down his face. He just couldn't stop. The realization of how hard things tended to be for people like him was _so scary._

"It's okay" Magnus whispered, touching his arm. "Cry, if you feel like it. It heals. It makes us stronger, you know. It's our right to be upset at those things". 

"It's just so... _Revolting."_ He said. "How... People don't care for our lives. It makes me afraid, Magnus". 

The other boy was silent, still touching his arm, as if he didn't know what else to say.

"Don't be" He told Alec. "I understand why you feel like that. But we're strong. We have always been. And we've learned a lot through the years. We have each other. We need to be brave and... Give _them_ something to be afraid of". 

The tall boy bit his lips as he felt the salty tears getting to his mouth. The TV was silent, waiting for the next movie to be selected.

"I'm sorry" Magnus added. "I know it's easier said than done."

"No, you're right" Alec said. "Courage and union _is_ the key. It's just hard for me, you know. It has always been very difficult for me to get in touch with people. I've been locked inside the same social circle ever since I was a kid, basically. I... I feel alone, sometimes, and that's what scares me the most. People like us... We can't be alone. We need each other, like you said. I just... I just wish I had someone to hold my hand, sometimes".  
He didn't exactly _like_ being a teary mess, but this was Magnus; there was no one else in the world with whom he'd be more comfortable baring himself and showing his vulnerable side. 

As soon as he finished saying that, he felt gentle, soft, warm fingers intertwine with his; and, suddenly, everything was right. His heart felt warm and his body was filled with tingles of comfort and satisfaction. He held tight into Magnus' hand as the boy told him:

"You have me, Alexander. I'm here. I'll always be here to hold your hand. I swear". 

Alec felt like pulling his hand closer and kissing it, but he thought that it was probably not the best thing to do. Instead, he just smiled from ear to ear, sniffing one more time, and laid back against the couch again. 

"Thank you" He whispered. "I'm so happy to have met you".

 

The third and last movie that they watched was "The Times of Harvey Milk", a doc on California's first openly gay man to be elected official and all of his activism for queer rights until his tragic assassination in 1978. Alec did not let go of Magnus' hand for the entire movie; he simply didn't _want_ to. He kept on holding it tight and not pulling away, and it just felt so _right_ and so comforting. 

By the time it was over, Magnus turned off the TV and said:

"Well, it's 9:30. There's no time to watch another movie. Do you want to go home or..."

"I don't know." Alec said, lazily stretching his arms. "Technically, I don't have to go just yet. Why don't we do something else 'til it's 10 and then I'll call Izzy?"

"Okay. Sure. You know what? I need to do my nails. Why don't we just go to the kitchen and sit there to talk while I do them?" 

Alec bit his lip, a wild idea crossing his mind. 

"What?" Magnus inquired. "What's with the devilish smile?" 

He chuckled.

"I was just thinking... Could you paint _my_ nails?" 

"Why?" Magnus chuckled back at him. 

Alec shrugged. 

"It looks good, I guess? I can't really tell, but it probably does."

The other boy took a deep breath.

"Alec... I'm glad your father didn't freak out about us playing with makeup last time, but are you sure he and Maryse would react well if you arrived at home wearing nail polish?"

"I don't have to get home with it" He explained. "I can take it off before. Izzy's the one coming to pick me up, and it wouldn't be a big deal for her."

"Well, she was the one coming to pick you up too, last time" Magnus reminded him. "What if one of your parents show up?"

"That shouldn't be a problem if you remembered to _lock your house's door_ this time." He said, laughing.

He heard Magnus open his mouth and hesitate.

"Good point, actually. But... Why paint your nails only to get it off right after?" 

"Honestly? I just like the way it smells" He admitted. "And I wanna know what it feels like on your nail, you know, when you're getting it done. I don't know. Just thought it would be something different and fun for us to do". 

_"I just want to be close to you, get involved with your interests, share as many silly joyful moments with you as I can and have you touch my hands a little more"_ \- that would've been the real honest answer, but Alec wouldn't say that out loud.

 

Alec smiled as the other one got up and walked away in quick steps. When Magnus returned, he sat right in front of him and the noise of a box filled with stuff landing on the carpet could be heard.

"Alright, Alexander. First of all, you gotta pick a color." He said. "Uh, I mean... Do you remember having a favorite color when you were a kid or something? Am I being insensitive?"

"Don't worry" Alec grinned. "I do remember liking black a lot when I was little, but nowadays black has just become kinda _boring_ to me, you know, since it's all that I see at all times. I don't know... What's the one you're wearing? It smells good". 

Magnus laughed.

"First of all, pretty much all nail polish smells the same. But the color I currently have on is _magenta"_ He said. "Which is something between red and pink."

"Ok" The tall boy nodded. "Magenta. There you have it. Let's just say this is my new favorite color, then."

They both chuckled. The next minutes were spent talking and laughing while Magnus painted Alec's nails. Despite the heavy-themed stuff they'd just watched, they had a really light conversation; mostly about animated movies and TV shows from their childhoods, continuing the discussion they had started with Dot earlier that day. At some point, there was a moment of silence, and Alec took advantage of that to ask him something that he was really curious about:

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

He didn't get an immediate answer; Magnus seemed to be hesitating as he held Alec's left hand. 

"I was just wondering" He added, as casually as he could. "I don't know many LGBTQ people. Let alone couples". 

"I haven't" Magnus said, serious. "I've been with quite a few guys, but nothing serious. The only long-term relationship I've ever had was with a girl named Camille, about two years ago. She goes to our school, actually. But... It didn't really work out in the end. That's a painful story for another day". 

Alec nodded. Everytime he thought about Magnus' heart breaking, he wanted to hug him until everything was right again. He deserved to be _so_ happy with someone who was right for him - even if that someone wasn't Alec.

"What about you? I mean, I know you only just came to terms with your sexuality, but... I don't know. Have you ever had a girlfriend or something? It's very common among young gay boys struggling with who they are".

He laughed softly.

"No, I've never been with anyone" Alec admitted. "Like I said, it's not easy for me to approach people."

"Well... I know it's not the same thing, but I kinda feel the same way" Magnus said. "Sometimes I'm just... Very afraid of getting hurt, so I end up closing myself, you know? It's not that common for me to build connections such as this one here". 

Alec smiled, a pleasant tingle in his heart. To know that what they had was something _rare,_ to know that he wasn't just another acquaintance for Magnus, was the best feeling. 

"Well, it's in a honor to know that you felt safe enough to open up with me, Magnus". 

"Yeah, you're really great, Alexander". The boy pointed out, making Alec blush, but then he quickly coughed and changed subjects: "Your nails are done, by the way. They look really nice".

"They smell nice, too".

"Careful with the smell thing" Magnus warned him. "Nail polish smells _strong!_ Put it too close to your nose and you just might become a junkie". 

Alec's smile vanished; thinking about that made him nervous and reminded him of scary things at home. 

"I know" He said. "Don't worry, I won't go around smelling it". 

When Magnus' touch left his fingers, he started thinking. Thinking about the things the two of them had just watched, and about how much shit the other boy was put through on a daily basis. Thinking of how hard he wished that he could make Magnus feel just as safe and sound as _he_ felt when their hands were together. Then something flashed by his head. An idea. There was something that he could do. 

_'We need to be brave and... Give them something to be afraid of'._

"I know what we can do about those bullies, Magnus" He announced.

Magnus sighed.

"Alec, please, let's not go through this again. I told you, we should _not_ get into trouble with them..."

"We just need to scare them" The tall boy insisted. "A good fright. Make them _afraid_ of you. A prank. Let's teach them a lesson".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had said in another chapter that in love!alec and protective!alec were my favorites, but I forgot to include sharp-tongued, not here for your bullshit, sassy gay alec™. anyways let me know down below how you guys felt about this chapter :)) and don't forget: if you haven't watched paris is burning yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? 
> 
> P.S.: stream carly rae jepsen's new single 'party for one' fam


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'But I'm a sunflower, a little funny  
> If I was a rose, maybe you would pick me  
> But I know you don't have a clue  
> This sunflower's waiting for you  
> Waiting for you'

**Friday, 4 PM**

_"Ave Satanas! Pater tenebris veniet collect sanguine tuo"_

Magnus evoked his deepest, scariest tone of voice, taking the black hood of, his cloak touching the locker room's floor. He stared at the two silhouettes in front of him. Simon had already taken care of turning off all the lights in the place, the only source of illumination now being the candle on his left hand. 

"What the fuck, dude?" Said a very shocked Logan Davis, his pale face frowning under Magnus' candle light. 

He brought the candle closer to his face and the young man in front of him raised both his eyebrows, his eyes almost falling off his orbits. Magnus then smiled devilishly, hoping that his carefully crafted makeup was fulfilling its duty; the red contacts and eyeshadow, the fake scars on his skin, the big pentagram on his forehead. 

"What _the hell_ is going on?" An equally scared Tyler Scott showed up by Logan's side, staring at Magnus with confusion. "What's wrong with this motherfucker?"

Magnus laughed; a campy, cliche movie villain laugh. He opened his mouth and let the fake blood pour out, dripping down his chin and onto his red cetin shirt. 

_"Ave Satanas! Pater tenebris veniet collect sanguine tuo"_

He said the words louder and firmer, almost channeling Linda Blair on The Exorcist. The lamps on the place started flashing quickly. _Simon was a little devil._ Tyler started shaking in front of him. Logan opened his mouth, breathing heavily. 

"Dude, we're gonna call the principal. Cut this shit off!" They tried to act tough, but both of them were shaking in their towels. Magnus could almost swear that there was sweat falling down their temples, along with the water from the shower they had just taken. 

Then it started. The hissing. The time for the _grand finale._

"Father? Are you here?" Magnus said, lowering his candle to illuminate the floor. The two snakes could be seen crawling slowly at their direction.

_"Holy shit!_ We gotta get outta here!" 

The two boys passed by Magnus flying, screaming in desperation as they ran towards the exit.

_"Ave Satanas! Pater tenebris veniet collect sanguine tuo"_ He screamed at them one last time, before starting to laugh uncontrollably and putting away the candle's light with a blow. 

The lights on the locker room were turned back on. The distant screaming of Logan and Tyler could still be heard. Magnus hoped he had done enough to keep them scared for _ages._

"Great job, boys!" He said, still chuckling as Simon and Alec showed up from behind the lockers, side by side, both laughing as well.

"I can't believe how easy this was" Simon noted, with a glass tank on his arms. He then crouched down and proceeded to carefully pick up the two little snakes, who slowly crawled towards him, and put them back on the tank, closing it with the plastic cover filled with small holes and getting up again. "Did Lisa and Jennie play a good part?"

"Oh, excellent!" Magnus smiled. "God bless those special creatures!"

"I don't understand why anyone would be scared of them!" The other boy said. "They're small, not venomous, super obedient and do not hurt any human being if they're being properly fed. They're my babies!"

"Well, they didn't know that" Alec pointed out, laughing. "They were in the dark, Magnus was painted and dressed like a horror character, muttering satanic words and then suddenly snakes show up? I'd be _terrified_ as well". 

"I guess you have a point" The boy with glasses agreed, and they all laughed together again. "I'm sure they won't mess with Magnus anymore. Even if they didn't believe that he was sent by Satan, now they _at least_ think that he's batshit crazy."

"And they're absolutely right" He winked at Simon. "But yeah, this was brilliant, you guys, thank you so much for helping me. And thanks _Alec,_ for inspiring me to give them a scare!"

"I just gave you the spark" Alec shook his head. "You turned it into a genius scene straight from a horror movie".

He chuckled at the boy, blushing. Then, he took of his black coat and handed it to him.

"Tell Isabelle I said thanks for letting me borrow the suit and the fake blood. I know she takes her Halloween costumes very seriously".

"Oh, don't worry, she hasn't dressed up as the Grim Reaper in a while" The tall one said, chuckling.

"And thanks again, Simon, for helping with the lights and for letting me use your girls." Magnus said.

"Hey, no worries. I'm sure they had fun, as well. This was _epic,_ you guys". 

"It sure was" He agreed. "Well, we should probably leave now, before those jackasses come back with the principal or something."

"Right" Alec nodded, and the three of them walked towards the exit. Magnus held Alec by his arm to help him through the way, and the boy asked him:

"Are you still coming to our place to study History?"

Magnus pursed his lips.

"Oh, right!" He said. Earlier that day, he had asked Alec to help him with some stuff about the Cold War, and they had agreed to meet at the Lightwoods to go through it together. "Yeah, of course. I just need to go clean my face and my shirt, if Isabelle can wait?" 

"Yeah, no problem." 

Magnus bit his lip as he left the locker room area with the two boys and mentally gave himself a scold for what he was doing. He wasn't going to study with Alec because he actually _needed to_ \- that was bullshit. He knew pretty much all about the Cold War and had never gotten less than B+ at a History test in his whole life. But he knew that Alec was great at History too, even better than him, so he came up with that as an excuse to spend time with the boy and be closer to him. He just couldn't help it. It was like there was this _instinct_ inside of him demanding that he did everything in his power to be close to Alec all of the time. 

Magnus felt stupid, but he also felt like he didn't have a choice. It was silly and he was potentially setting himself up to get hurt again, but being close to the boy was his new addiction. 

And just like an addict, no amount of fear was enough to keep him away. 

 

*** 

 

**4:45 PM**

"Make yourself at home" Isabelle told Magnus as he entered their house for the second time, right after Alec. "I'll go clean my room and you guys can study here on the living room, or by the table, if you want". 

"Thanks, Izzy" He smiled at her, proceeding to walk to the couch to put his bag away and have a seat. 

"Actually, Izzy, can I talk to you for a second? Privately?" Alec asked his sister, standing between the dining area and the living room. "We need to... Discuss something".

The girl frowned at her brother, confused. Magnus looked at them with curiosity.

"About what?" She said, a little nervous.

Alec sighed and licked his lips, but did not answer her.

"Okay" Izzy finally said, understanding that whatever it was, he probably didn't want to share it with Magnus. "Let's go to my room, then."

"This won't take long, Magnus." Alec said. "Turn on the TV, if you want, or play some video games, or maybe you can start to go over the things you want to study. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Yeah, no biggie" Magnus told him as he followed Isabelle through the hallway to the left, guided by his walking stick. 

When they were gone, he took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling, wondering what it was that Alec wanted to talk to her about - maybe something regarding her problem, he figured. He hoped she was fine.

"Hello" A high-pitched, kinda childlike voice said. Magnus turned his head to the side to find the short, brown haired Max Lightwood standing in front of him on the carpet. "Are you Magnus?"

"Uh... Hello there, fellow. Yes, that's me." He said, smiling at the kid. "And you must be Max, correct? Nice to meet you".

"Nice to meet you, too, Magnus" The boy kept on staring at him for a few more seconds, and he started to get a little uncomfortable. 

"I like your earrings". 

Magnus chuckled.

"Why, thank you. I like them, too. I pick them very carefully".

Finally, Max sat next to him on the couch, picking up the remote from the center table and turning on the TV. The boy proceeded to enter Netflix and select an episode of Steven Universe to watch.

"Great taste!" Magnus told him, raising his eyebrows. "That's a great cartoon."

Max didn't answer, so he figured he wouldn't try to be overly friendly - he liked kids, but things could get really awkward with them. After a couple minutes, though, he coughed and asked:

"Um, Max... Do you mind telling me where's the restroom?"

"Through the hallway, second door to the left" The boy informed him, still not moving his eyes away from the animations on the screen. 

"Okay, thank you".

Magnus got up from the couch and headed to the hallway. When he got to the second door to the left and was about to open it, however, he heard something that caught his attention.

"It's just so hard, Izzy" Alec's voice said, muffled by the closed door, but still understandable. "He's just... He just fits into my life so _perfectly,_ you know? He's like all that I've ever wanted from someone, all wrapped in one with a ribbon on top. He's so smart, and so talented, and... So _beautiful._ I don't know if I'll ever find anyone so compatible with me again, and I don't wanna waste that. But... He wouldn't look at me like that. I think it's clear that he's not interested in someone like me".

Magnus' breathing started to feel heavy, his chest aching and his head getting dizzy. He put his forehead against the door stop, taking deep sighs and trying not to lose it and not to let the tears escape his eyeballs.

That was it. The end of his hopes. The moment he feared so much, arriving like a flicker. It was over. 

Alec liked someone else. _Officially._ Maybe it was still Jace, or maybe he was talking about someone new, but whoever this boy was, he had an advantage that Magnus felt like he would _never_ have; he _fit_ into Alec's life, according to the boy himself. They _matched._ He was _compatible_ with Alec. And that was something Magnus could only dream of.

He looked around the hallway, at all the fancy decorations that surrounded him - all a painful reminder of how much of a misfit he was in that world. Of how much he didn't belong there, and he didn't belong with Alec, no matter how bad he wished he did. He entered the bathroom and proceeded to silently cry his eyes out. He needed a moment, because after that, he couldn't give himself the luxury of being weak anymore. He couldn't just be a fool no longer. He had to accept the reality of things; Alec did not and _would not_ want him as a lover. When he left that bathroom, he would have to bury it all deep down.

 

They studied together for only an hour or so; Magnus tried his best to conceal everything that was going on inside of him, putting on his best acting abilities and faking his best laughs, but he still couldn't allow himself to let the hours stretch too much. It felt nice and entrancing to be with Alec, as usual, but at that moment, it was also painful. So when the clock striked 6, he invited himself out under the excuse that he had to clean his room. He wouldn't push Alec away, not again, but that pain was quite something to digest, and if he could have just a few hours to himself to try and do that, maybe he'd feel better.

_"Who am I kidding?",_ he thought to himself. 

He wouldn't feel better - not anytime soon.

 

***

 

**6:30 PM**

Magnus' heart jumped when he heard the door to his room being abruptly open. Laying down on the bed, he removed his headphones and looked over to find his grandfather throwing something at him.

"Put that shit up your ass" The old man said as the magazine wrapped in plastic landed on the bed at his feet. Magnus grabbed it, breathing heavily; it was the new edition of Out magazine, which he had just subscribed to a few weeks ago. "Do you subscribe for this faggot shit now? Do you not care that this immoral crap is being delivered at _my_ front door? Do you want _me_ to be mocked by our neighbors too?" 

The boy took a deep breath and clenched his teeth, facing the wall in front of him and holding back his tears; normally, he would never even think of crying because of his grandfather, but he was already at a vulnerable state, and that confrontation was the last thing he needed at the moment.

"I didn't know you were going to arrive earlier today". He said, unable to prevent himself from sounding brittle. 

"Don't try to change the subject! You're going to cancel this subscription, or I'm going to take away all the money that my daughter left you from her years of hard working, and then I'm gonna hit you so hard you won't remember your name anymore! Do you understand?"

Magnus breathed slowly through his mouth, getting closer to the wall and further from the man. His grandfather's face was burning red, his temples jumping; for the first time since he was 12, Magnus was actually _afraid_ of him. He sounded actually threatening, as if all those years of passive-aggressive bigotry and meaningless tantrums were finally collapsing into something bigger. 

"You better do as I say if you want to keep your teeth intact inside your mouth, young man. And oh, I won't have no more of that putting on makeup for school shit either. From now on, you're not going to embarrass me anymore. If you're going to be a filthy queer, you're going to be discreet about it". 

The old man left his room slamming the door, leaving Magnus there; shrunken, helpless, frightened, his head against the wall.

That was it. He always knew this day would come, and there it was. His grandfather had finally lost it. 

He knew what he had to do. He didn't have a choice. He wouldn't accept that no longer.

He got up from his bed and opened his wardrobe. He reached inside and grabbed a big black backpack that he hadn't used in ages. He then proceeded to pick up 6 or 7 of his clothes and messily put it inside the backpack. After that, he did the same to his makeup items, the posters on his wall and his Hamlet script. He then grabbed a pair of sneakers from the floor under his bed. That would have to be enough; there was no more space inside the backpack.

He opened the door and left through the hallway, not even bothering to look back. His grandfather was on the living room watching TV, and when he saw Magnus passing by with the backpack on his shoulders and the pair of shoes on his hand, he got up from the couch and asked the boy what he was doing. But Magnus didn't hesitate; he kept on walking towards the kitchen and then towards the door, which he slammed behind him. As he walked down the stairs, his grandfather screamed incessantly, trying to catch up with him, but he was an old man, and Magnus was a fast young boy. When he finally got outside, though, he ran as fast as he possibly could, just to make sure. After he was somewhat far from his apartment, - _his grandfather's_ apartment - he looked over his shoulders, worried. But there was nothing the old man could do. He would _never_ find out where Magnus was headed - he didn't care enough about the boy's life to have a clue. 

Magnus walked a lot, trying not to think, trying to not let the fear take control of his being as he passed through the streets. When he got to the subway station, he picked up his phone and called Dot.

"Hey, Magnus. What's up?"

"Dot. Something happened. I... Do you remember that time we discussed the possibility of things going to shit? Well, it just did. And I need your help. I need you to do something _huge_ for me. I don't like asking, but I don't have a choice. I need you now, more than ever". 

 

**8 PM**

Dot and Magnus were both silent, staring calmly at the TV and trying to distract themselves on the girl's sofa bed inside her small living/dining room.

"Thank you so much again, Dot" He whispered to his friend, who was laying right next to him. "I don't know how to thank you enough. I... I don't know what I'd do without you. I _promise_ I will get a job as soon as possible to help you with the expenses, okay? And I can try to buy my own food, you don't have to spend money with that--"

"Relax, Magnus" She cut him off, grinning. "It's a _pleasure_ for me to help you. It was about time you got away from that toxic, dangerous man. It makes me happy to know you're safe now. And it's no sacrifice to share a living with you, either! This is all we ever wanted since we were younger, remember? Every night is going to be girls night! We'll have a lot of fun. And don't worry about money, alright? I can handle it."

Magnus smiled at her, his heart warm with affection and appreciation. She was truly the best friend in the world. But still, he was determined to go searching for a job next week - as much as Dot was kind and generous, he would _not_ want to take advantage of her. He had to start earning his own money and maybe saving something to hopefully get his own place. 

He grabbed his cellphone and stared at the screen, sighing. 

"What's wrong?" Dot inquired.

Magnus bit his lip.

"I feel like calling Alec." He admitted. "I want to let him know what happened. I think he would like to know".

"Yeah, definitely." She agreed, picking up the remote to lower the volume of the TV. "Call him". 

The boy sighed again and called Alec's number. Yes, he was still in pain due to what he'd heard on that afternoon, but Alec considered Magnus to be his best friend, so he kinda _had_ to let him know. Besides, that vibrating instinct inside of Magnus still desperately wanted to reach out for Alec as a source of support.

"Hey, Magnus" The voice that he appreciated more than Iced Tea greeted him.

"Hey" He greeted back, unable to hold back a smile, even amidst all of the pain. "How's your Friday night going?"

"Just fine. Yours?"

He took a deep breath before responding.

"Not so well, actually".

"Why? Did something happen?" Alec's voice tone quickly changed to deep worry.

"Yeah. My grandfather, he... Um, he kinda lost it. He threatened me, today. And I was scared. So, I... I basically packed my bags and ran away from home. I'm living with Dot now. She has a place of her own. I mean, it's rented, but you know, she lives by herself. So... Yeah, I mean, at least I'm safe now. But it kinda sucks, you know, that I had to do that. I liked my bed and stuff".

There was a few seconds of silence in which all that he could hear was Alec's breathing. 

"Magnus, I... Oh my God. I'm so sorry. That's... Are you okay? Did he touch you?" 

"No, no. I'm fine. I mean, I'm still kinda shook, you know. It was, um... Very scary. But he didn't actually hurt me." _Fuck,_ now he was crying. He just wasn't able to hold it back, and his voice showed it. Dot touched his hand affectionately.

"Where does Dot live?" Alec asked, firmly. "Can you send the address? I'm going there. I wanna see you". 

Magnus closed his eyes as he let the tears stream down his cheeks. _Shit,_ it was just impossible for him not to feel a pleasant wave of comfort and satisfaction when Alec said things like that. He shouldn't do that. He was still in pain, and that would _not_ help him get over his feelings for the boy at all. But _damn,_ he just needed to see Alec so bad. 

"Now?" He asked. "I'm not sure your parents would let you leave your house at night."

"I just have to come up with something. I'm sure Isabelle will take me there, she'll probably want to see you too. Please?"

Magnus exhaled slowly.

"Alright. I'll send you the spot on Maps". 

 

Half an hour later, when he heard the intercom ring, his heart was just overwhelmed with emotions. Dot picked it up and pressed the button to let them in. Then, in a few seconds, she opened the door and they were greeted by Alec and Isabelle.

"Hey" Magnus said in his still shaky voice as the tall boy entered the apartment, guided through his arm by his sister.

"Hey" Alec greeted back, standing in front of him. 

"Sit down, guys" Dot told the visitors, offering Isabelle a chair from the dining table. "You can sit on the couch next to Magnus, Alec."

Isabelle smiled cordially at her and guided Alec closer to the sofa bed, having him sit right beside Magnus.

"Are you okay?" The tall boy asked him, touching his leg, which caused Magnus' entire body to tingle. 

"Not at all. But don't worry. I will be". 

Alec's face was filled with sorrow and concern, and then he slowly got closer to Magnus in order to wrap his arms around him. Magnus hugged him back, burying his face on the boy's shoulder, taking in his smell, his so comforting and tranquilizing smell, as his tears ran down unstoppably.

"Yes, you will" Alec whispered on his ear, just as brittle. 

That felt like everything Magnus ever needed, and he could've easily let himself be entranced by the moment and just believe those words, if he didn't remind himself not to. Alec's embrace felt like home, and it made the world seem less scary, but he would never be able to fully dive into it - not on the level that he wanted to. 

He clenched his teeth, breathing fast. He had just been basically forced to leave his home and had gone through one of the scariest moments of his life, and now there he was, not even being able to fully enjoy the comfort and support of his favorite boy in the world, because that meant so much more to him; it meant something that altered the beating of his heart and filled his dreams at night and wouldn't leave his head. It meant things that would hurt him endlessly, and yet he just couldn't bring himself to avoid it.

_'Why does everything have to be so hard?'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ave Satanas! lol just kidding  
> the angst has arrived y'all, sadly there was no way to avoid it :-/  
> but all is not lost! let's not forget that magnus is in pain only because he fails to see what's right in front of him, so maybe he just need life to give him some glasses and things will be fine  
> also it may have been a hard friday for magnus but the next day is the day the lightwoods will throw a party for simon, and y'all know how parties go, stuff happens hehe I won't spoil anything but stay tuned! and thank you as usual to everyone who's reading and leaving kudos, bookmarks and/or reviews, I love having you guys as readers <3 also the new malec sneak peek that got released yesterday?? i cant fucking breathe
> 
> p.s.: the sunflower song to this chapter is obviously meant to be the synth reprise by allie x, as I am a gay of respect™ anyways just letting you guys know, we stan a synthpop kween


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Too good to be good for me  
> too bad that that's all I need  
> Too good to be good for me  
> too bad that that's all I need  
> all I need'

**Friday, 10 PM**

Alec slowly bent over and picked up one of his mother's pairs of shoes, proceeding to put it on the bed with the rest of the stuff. He could hear both her and Isabelle opening the wardrobe's wooden doors, picking hangers, folding clothes and putting them inside the suitcase. He bit his lips, standing by the bed, his hands on his pockets, trying to think of something else that he could do. He then approached the wardrobe and joined them on the picking clothes process. 

"Are you taking this one?" He asked Maryse with a hanger on his hand. His mother sighed.

"You don't have to help me, Alec. Why don't you go study with Jace? Isn't today your studying together day?" 

The boy twisted his mouth and crossed his arms, annoyed. 

"I _want_ to help" He insisted, taking the blouse off the hanger and folding it in his arms. "Jace and I won't be studying today, no".

"Are you guys still mad at each other?" Isabelle inquired carefully. 

Alec pursed his lips.

"No" He said. "We've talked things through a few days ago. I just don't feel like there's a lot of topics that I need to review this week, so I gave him a break". 

Maryse chuckled.

"Interesting way to handle your senior year" She told him, snarky. "You had so much potential, Alec. It's truly sad to see you throwing away everything that I so carefully built for you".

He took a deep breath, his teeth clenched.

"What are you talking about?" He listlessly asked, not at all in the mood for that. "Nothing's changed. I'm still just as much invested on this as I've always been". 

This time, his mother fully laughed at him - an ironic, disturbing and visibly upset laugh. 

"Lying to my face with _no hesitation_ at all. You think I don't know that you've been contacting Performing Arts schools? I heard you on the phone, Alec. Talking to all of those universities. I thought that maybe you would, you know, at least be honest about it. But no. You keep on shamelessly trying to fool me". 

_Fucking hell._ Alec thought he'd been discreet. He'd thought he would be able to avoid that confrontation for a little while longer. 

"Maybe you guys should have this conversation privately" Isabelle noted, and the boy heard his sister walking quickly towards the room's door and closing it behind her as she left. He sighed. He didn't want her to leave - arguing with Maryse without Izzy's supportive and ballancing presence _sucked_ -, but he couldn't force her into that either; it wasn't really her issue to deal with. 

"I didn't tell you because I _knew_ you would get... _Unsettled."_

"And rightfully so!" She exclaimed, her voice shaking. "We've been preparing you for all of these years, making sure you have some _assurance_ and _security_ for your future, and then suddenly you decide, _all by yourself,_ to turn your back on it?"

Alec frowned, pouting, his arms crossed. He felt hopeless. He didn't know what he could possibly do or say to convince his mom that he should get to decide his own future. 

"There is no such thing as assurance. Of any kind. Life doesn't work like that. Shit happens. Learned that when I was six." He said. "You should know that, too. Is it so _absurd_ that _I_ want to build my life with my own hands?"

"I'm your _mother"_ She firmly pointed out. "You don't get to do whatever you want just yet. Where are your law books?" 

Alec's heart jumped. He licked his lips, nervous.

"Simon borrowed them" He stammered.

_"Don't lie to me again!"_ She was now speaking with her teeth clenched. 

Alec exhaled deeply through his mouth.

"I sold them to some guy at school. I didn't care about them anymore. Not as much as I care about having my own money. But you already knew that, didn't you?"

There was a minute of silence. Alec's hands were sweating. 

"What upsets me the most, Alec... Is how you think you're entitled to just do those drastic things without even talking to the people who care about your future the most". 

"Did you ever make me feel safe to open up like that, though?" He clapped back. 

Maryse breathed deeply and approached him in slow steps.

"You're not allowed to leave the house _or_ have any friend come over this weekend while I travel with Max and Robert to his cousin's wedding. No exceptions. Now go to your room."

Alec could feel his face turning red.

"It's not fair!" He shouted.

_"To your room!"_ She shouted back even louder, stepping away to open the door as if to invite him out. 

Alec stood still for a second, frowning and breathing heavily.

"This isn't over" He said before leaving heavy steps.

He could immediately smell Isabelle's perfume on the hallway next to him. 

"I can't leave the house or see any of our friends this weekend". He announced.

The girl got closer to him.

"Well" She whispered in his ear. "It's a good thing she doesn't know about the party". 

 

***

 

**Saturday, 8:30 PM**

Alec immediately felt butterflies flying through his stomach as Magnus entered the car, followed by Dot, the boy's entrancing perfume filling the air. He looked over his shoulders to face him, and even though he couldn't see, he _knew_ that Magnus looked amazing. 

_'Gosh, I hope I don't look bad',_ he thought to himself.

"Hey guys" Dot greeted them.

"Thanks for picking us up" Magnus said as they both sat side by side on the rear seat.

"No problem. The two of you look great!" Isabelle replied, friendly, before starting the car again.

"This coming from _you"_ Dot pointed out, and they both laughed.

"Is everyone there already?" Magnus inquired.

"Pretty much" Izzy told him. "Simon didn't want to invite too many people."

"Fuck, I hate being late". Dot sighed.

"A queen is never late" Her friend noted. "Everyone else is simply too early."

"The Princess Diaries" Alec noted, turning to him and grinning, to which Magnus chuckled. "You're right".

"I just hope Simon likes my present" The other boy said. Alec heard the sound of plastic. 

"What did you get him?" He asked.

"Uh uh! You guys won't find out until he does" Magnus warned. "What did _you_ get him?"

"Well, I won't tell you either" Alec smirked. "Just kidding. I bought him a Star Trek mug. Izzy gave him a nice guitar". 

"Whoa!" Dot exclaimed. "That's a _really nice_ present, girl! I'm kinda embarrassed about what _I_ got, now". 

"I've been saving for a while" Isabelle chuckled. "I really wanted to give him something special. But don't worry, I'm sure he'll love anything that any of his friends took the time to get for him". 

 

After a few minutes, they finally got back to their place. They walked together to the backyard, where the party was taking place. The chatting of people could be heard, mixed with the EDM music coming out of speakers. Wooden chairs and tables were placed all over the grass and the concrete, so Alec had to be extra careful as he walked by. 

They followed Magnus and Dot as they went to greet Simon and give him their presents. The boy was at the end of the yard, sitting in the middle of everyone.

"Happy birthday, jackass!" Magnus exclaimed excitingly, with his lovely, heart-warming voice. "I hope you don't mind that Dot and I are giving you a conjoined birthday present this year. It was kind of expensive to get, but we believe you'll enjoy it". 

"It's something we know _for sure_ that you've been crazy to get your hands on for ages" Dot added, as Alec and Isabelle stood next to them.

"Aw, thank you so much, you guys!" Simon said, and Alec heard the sound of his plastic chair being dragged as he got up from it. "And don't worry about this stuff. Just the two of you being here is enough of a present". 

Gift paper was torn, and an audible gasp left Simon's mouth.

_"Oh my God!_ Are you _kidding_ me? The number 1 1972 edition of Marvel's _The Tomb of Dracula?_ Wow, I... I think I might start crying right now. This is amazing, guys! I love it". 

They laughed warmly, and suddenly Alec felt a little bit nervous about what he'd given the boy - a mundane mug kinda paled in comparison to a rare edition of a cool 70s comic book. 

"Whoa, that's dope as fuck" A very familiar voice said all of a sudden; they were joined by Jace, who tapped Alec on the back. He grinned, a little awkward, but pleased to be on good terms with his friend again. 

"I never read one of those, but I've always wanted to" The blonde one added. "Nice to see you here, Magnus. You too, Dot".

"Nice to see you too, Jace" Magnus answered cordially, and Dot did the same.

"Well, hello there!" Now it was Clary's friendly voice that greeted them. "I'm glad you guys came! I've always told Simon that Magnus looks like someone who knows how to have some fun". 

"I try my best" The boy chuckled, followed by a moment of silence. Soon, Clary and Jace entered other conversation, with Lydia and Underhill. Alec bit his lip, still standing there with them.

"Why don't we take a seat over there?" He suggested. "The chairs by the pool are pretty comfortable".

"Alright, sure. Let's go, Dot" Magnus said, and the two of them followed Alec to the other side of the yard, towards the four beach chairs next to the living room's backdoor. The upside of the party being at his house was that Alec didn't have a lot of trouble walking around; he knew that backyard and all of its obstacles like the palm of his hands, and his walking stick wasn't necessary, for the most part. 

"The decoration is pretty nice" Magnus noted as soon as the three of them laid back on the chairs. 

"I bet it is" Alec said, turning to his left to face him. "Izzy takes those things very seriously". 

"Tell her to ask me for help next time, though" The other boy added. "Not that she needs any, I just like decorating things."

Alec smiled at him. He always thought Magnus was the cutest when he was talking about his passions with that excited, fascinated tone of voice that made Alec's body tingle. 

"Would you guys like something to drink?" He heard Isabelle ask, all of a sudden - distracted by the other boy, he hadn't even heard her walking to them. 

"Do you have Mountain Dew?" Magnus inquired. 

Izzy gasped.

"Oh, c'mon, Magnus. We're here to have some _fun!_ So I'm gonna ask you again: Would you like something to _drink?"_

Magnus began to stutter at Alec's side.

"Okay. One margarita, perhaps?" 

"Good choice! Dot?"

The other girl hesitated for a few seconds.

"Maybe a martini" She finally said.

"On the way" Isabelle announced. "Alec, I'll bring your soda, ok?"

"Actually, I would like a margarita as well" He quickly said. There was a deadly silence.

"What? Alec... I don't know if that's a good idea. You've never drank anything alcoholic before, and to have you walking around with a dizzy head could be... You know, _problematic."_

"So what? I'm not alone here, I'm with you guys! I trust all of you to look out for me on my first alcoholic beverage. Please bring me a margarita". 

She didn't answer him immediately. After a moment of silence, his sister said:

"Okay. If you say so... But take it easy". 

She then left, and after some time, she was back with their cocktails. 

"Please keep your eyes on Alec, you guys" The girl said as she served them one by one. "Don't let him drown on the pool or stumble through a table or--"

_"Izzy!"_ He grunted at her, embarrassed. "I'll be fine!"

Magnus laughed.

"Don't worry. This gentleman is in good hands" He said, touching Alec's shoulder. _'No doubt about that',_ the tall boy thought to himself, blushing.

Isabelle also made sure to leave a bottle of vodka along some grape juice there, since they didn't have a professional barman and she wouldn't be able to be preparing cocktails all the time. 

Alec cautiously let the liquid in the glass meet his mouth, savoring it. It tasted _strong,_ but also good - there was something pleasant about the bittersweet taste and how it went down burning a little bit. 

"So" Magnus coughed. "How do you like it?"

Alec shrugged. 

"Not bad" He said. "You don't like drinking? I noticed that you hesitated a little when Izzy insisted that you did. I'm sorry if she was being inconvenient".

"No, no" Magnus chuckled. "Don't worry. That's not why I hesitated. I _do_ like drinking".

From the other side, he heard Dot laughing.

"That's _not_ the problem at all. The problem is that Magnus likes it _way_ too much" She explained.

"Dot! You're gonna make Alexander think I'm some alcoholic!" He sighed, and Alec raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "I don't drink too much, but when I do, I tend to... You know. Go a little _hard._ Let's just say I have a history of making scenes".

"An understatement" Dot whispered. 

"Oh. I see" Alec said while sipping a little more from his own cup.

"But don't worry, Alec. He'll be fine as long as he's with me. I'll make sure it doesn't get to the point of him throwing up or dancing on table tops". 

"Not that it ever happened" Her friend coughed, as if telling her to stop. "Anyway. I would never want to embarrass you or your sister, Alec. Or Simon. I'll look after you and you can look after me, is that alright?"

Alec's heart started rushing upon hearing that _attractive_ set of words. He nodded at the boy.

"Yeah. Sounds like a deal".

 

It didn't take too long before they were totally drunk. Their talking got more and more interesting as they got more and more excited and uninhibited, filling cup after cup with vodka and juice. Alec felt dizzy, but also satisfied and cheerful. They were laughing and gossiping and telling jokes and it felt so _nice_ to be having fun with Magnus - and Dot, of course. 

After a while, the three of them agreed that they didn't need to be any dizzier than they were already, so they stopped refilling their cups and decided to play some 'Never Have I Ever' - from there on, they would only drink if they lost points in the game. 

It was super fun, and it helped Alec discover some interesting stuff that he didn't know about Magnus yet; such as the fact that he had only had gay sex twice, having bottomed in one of the times and topped the other, had never sexted or exchanged nude pictures with anyone and had developed a crush on their Geography teacher at junior year. Alec didn't have anything particularly crazy or interesting to share, but he opened up and revealed that he had never searched for porn, had accidentally broken Jace's Xbox once and never admitted it and one time had a crush on his father's friend from work, among other things.

Dot was about to take her eleventh "punish" sip of vodka - Alec was truly surprised at how much stuff she had experienced - when their playing and laughing was interrupted by Clary's voice:

"Don't you guys wanna come over to Simon's table?" She asked. "We're going to play Truth or Dare. It's gonna be fun!"

Alec licked his lips, hesitating, but Magnus was quick to say:

"No, we're fine. I don't mean to look rude or unfriendly, but... It's just that, um, my ex-girlfriend Camille is sitting there, and things would get kinda awkward, you know? I'd rather avoid it". 

"Really?" The girl said. "Oh, I didn't know that, sorry. It's okay. I understand. To be honest, I always thought she seemed a little arrogant, but Simon likes her as a friend, so... The other one seems nice, though. The one next to her. Raphael, right?"

Alec raised his eyebrows, starting to feel nervous for Magnus. _Shit,_ he didn't know Camille and Raphael would be there. He hated that Magnus could now be feeling uncomfortable. 

"Yeah, we... We kinda have a history, too" He chuckled at Clary.

"Shit, I'm sorry, Magnus. This must be uncomfortable. Well, I'm sure Simon will understand, don't worry. Still, we'll be playing right there - feel free to join us, all three of you!"

Alec smiled at the girl as he listened to her step away from them.

"I didn't know they were here" He said, turning to Magnus, his lips pursed in sympathy for the boy. "Please don't let them ruin your fun, okay?"

"Oh, yeah, don't worry. I won't" He assured Alec, who smiled affectionately.

They continued on playing, laughing and sharing secrets for a little while longer, until the sound of people cheering and applauding caught their attention away from their game.

"What's going on?" Alec inquired, confused.

_"Whoa!",_ Dot exclaimed.

"Um... Simon and Isabelle just kissed. Someone dared them to, I think. It was _quite the kiss,_ I must add. Good for them!"

_"For real?"_ Alec opened his mouth, completely shocked - not in a bad way; he just hadn't seen that coming at all. _Ever._ But after the shock and confusion went away, he felt happy for his sister. Simon was a nice person, and she deserved to have some fun with a nice person - whether that would turn out to be something serious or not. She had a lot of darkness inside of her to deal with and definitely deserved some light in her life.

"I hope you're not a jealous, super protective brother" Magnus pointed out, to which the tall boy laughed. 

"Protective? Yeah, definitely. But not _jealous,_ no. I know where to draw the line. And Simon's a great guy, so there's no need for me to worry". 

It was true; Alec wasn't feeling jealousy. He was, however, feeling _envy._ As happy was he was for the two of them, he couldn't help but wonder: _'When is it going to be my turn?'._ It should feel nice to have all your friends cheering for you and your special someone. For a brief second, he allowed his imagination to picture himself and Magnus right there at that spot, kissing one another and being entusiasthically applauded. It felt so unlikely it hurt. Was it so absurd of him to dream of that? Was that really such a wild thing to ask for? 

He hated himself for feeling bitter towards his sister's joy, but he couldn't help it. It felt like something that life had denied him, and that was _so upsetting._

The three of them were silent for a couple of minutes, and soon after that, the music was back on the speakers and the messy chatting at the other side of the yard remerged. 

As if to save Alec from that uncomfortable moment, Isabelle showed up at their corner, sitting on the empty chair to his right. 

"Hey, you guys!" She greeted, her voice unmistakably joyful. 

"Hey there, Miss Lewis!" Dot teased, and the two girls laughed together.

"I'm sorry that I left y'all here by yourselves. I just had to be with Simon, you know? I threw this birthday party for him, so I had to... You know, _be there_ with him."

"Yeah, we know what you mean by _being there"_ Magnus joked. "Don't worry. You two were scoring while we stayed reclused at our corner. Good for you, girl!"

Isabelle laughed, and Alec couldn't help but smile a little bit; bitterness aside, he was very happy for how glowing she was. 

"Congrats, Izzy" He told his sister, holding her hand against his. "I didn't know this was a thing, but... You deserve to be with someone nice like Simon. Go for it. I'm happy for you".

She squeezed her brother's hand with affection.

"Thank you, Alec. Let's hope this works out". 

Suddenly, he could hear the sound of someone else walking towards them. 

"Come on guys, no more hiding away in the shadows!" It was Clary again. "Let's go hang out with everyone! All of you!"

By his side, Magnus took a deep breath.

"I want to" He said. "But-"

"Camille and Raphael went home already" Izzy cut him off. "Don't worry".

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah" She reassured him. "To be quite honest, it didn't seem like they were super thrilled to be here". 

"Oh, if I still know them at all, they most certainly weren't" Magnus chuckled. "Okay, then, sure. Dot? Alec?"

Alec inhaled deeply. He didn't really want to - he liked being there with just the two of them in their secret little world. But Magnus sounded eager to, so he nodded and stood up as they all walked towards the opposite side of the yard.

 

Magnus managed to get along within their social circle _way_ easier than Alec expected him to. Soon after they sat together at a table in the middle of where everyone was hanging out, the boy was engaged in an excited conversation with Simon and Jace about vintage comic books. Maybe it was the alcohol helping him, but Alec could tell that Magnus was a very social person - he just didn't have a lot of people to socialize with, most of the time. 

Alec, on the other hand, suffered from the very opposite; he had _plenty_ of people to socialize with, but he found it extremely _hard_ and exhausting. He was just too much of an introvert, and didn't feel comfortable around too many people; so while Magnus shared common interests with Jace and Simon and Dot chatted with Izzy and Clary, he just sat there in silence, his arms crossed, his attention alternating between the music on the speakers, the girls' chatting and the boys' chatting. 

It was nice, though, to witness Magnus developing some sort of connection to Jace and the other people in Alec's life; he wanted the boy to be a definitive part of his life and to be welcomed with open arms by everyone around him. It was also fascinating for him to listen to Magnus speak with such passion about the things he liked - even though he wasn't really a part of the conversation, he was very much pleased in simply being close to the boy and letting his sweet voice and words fill Alec's ears. However, after some time had passed, the fact that Alec wasn't quite fitting into that environment was far too obvious for him to ignore. And it started bothering him. His stomach twisted, filled with anxiety. He didn't want that. He wanted to have fun with Magnus. He wanted Magnus to pay attention to _him_ and to share moments with him. He was now feeling deprived from that, and it wasn't a good feeling. 

"Magnus!" Clary came out of nowhere, calling the boy's name. "Will you please put on some different stuff to play at the speakers? Straight boys can't pick music! I'm annoyed by this sound". 

Alec heard the sound of Magnus' adorable, heart-warming laugh from across the table.

"Are you sure, my dear? Do you trust me for that?" 

"Of course! We already know for a fact that you have impeccable taste. C'mon, I'll take you to the laptop and you can set up a playlist on YouTube or Spotify". 

Alec pursed his lips as he heard the boy getting up from his seat and following Clary in quick steps. Soon enough, the speakers went silent, only for the sound of Eurythmics' 'There Must Be An Angel' to start playing loud through the yard right after. Alec smiled. He loved that song.

_"YEEEEEESSSSS!!!"_ Isabelle enthusiastically shouted. "Oh my God! That's a bop!" 

As the song continued playing, Magnus was taking way too long to return to the table, and Simon explained to Alec that he was dancing with Clary and the girls. 

Alec bit his lip and sighed deeply, nervously tapping his fingers on his legs. He wished he was drunk enough to get up and go dancing with them, but he was just _too shy_ for that. He wanted to just sit next to Magnus and be at peace. But Magnus was having fun; he was an outgoing, naturally sociable person, and Alec couldn't take that from him. It was who he was, and Alec liked everything about who he was; he didn't, however, like that feeling of being left off. He didn't mind that the boy was having fun with other people, but it made him a little bit _afraid._ Magnus was such an interesting, fun and positive person, and Alec feared that he wouldn't be fun and interesting enough to keep the boy around for much longer. There was a world out there full of daring and adventurous people just like him, and the more Magnus got along with them, the closer Alec felt to the moment where the boy would just look at him and realize that he wasn't that cool. 

_"Woo,_ that was fun!" He could hear Magnus gasping as he sat again in front of Alec. "Don't you wanna dance, Alec?" 

"I think I may be a little too dizzy for that" He said amidst the loud music, grinning. "Actually, um... Can we talk a little bit in private?"

"Of course. Did something happen?" 

"No. I just thought we could... You know, take a walk around. Hang out a little, just the two of us."

"Yeah, alright. Let's go".

As Alec got up from his chair, he felt dizzy from both the alcohol and the anxiety for what he was about to do. His hands were sweating and his breathing was heavy. But he had to do that. He had to do _something._ It was a risk, but he feared that if he didn't take that risk, Magnus would eventually _escape_ him. Alec needed to let him know what he wanted and what he felt, and maybe, just maybe, if Magnus wanted to give him a chance, to let him _try_ to do what he craved to do, then things would work out and feel better. Maybe it was a bad idea, but Alec felt like Magnus cared a lot about him too, and liked being around him, so why not take a shot?

"Let me help you out" Magnus said, touching him by the arm. "We don't want you falling to the ground out of drunkness, do we?" 

Alec chuckled.

"Thank you". 

The boys walked together back to the other side of the yard, Magnus holding Alec with a tight grip to keep him in straight line, even though the other boy wasn't exactly at his best state either. 

"There are so many people here tonight" The tall boy said as they walked around the pool, the music and the chatting from the others slowly becoming a distant, muffled noise. "I haven't even talked to all of them yet. It's overwhelming". 

"What are you talking about?" Magnus laughed. "Simon didn't invite a lot of people. It's a pretty _intimate_ party, if you ask me".

Alec chuckled as he let out a hiccup. 

"It's funny". He said. "You always thought of yourself as an outsider and you don't usually hang out with a lot of people, but... You're actually very sociable and outgoing. I'm surprised".

"I'm full of surprises" The boy answered him, laughing softly. They stopped walking and stood still by the pool, Magnus' hand still on his arm. Suddenly, all Alec wanted to do was to throw himself on Magnus and just kiss him senseless. The boy touching his arm, the two of them close to each other in silence; _everything_ was just overwhelming, and Alec's spine was filled with chills.

"Magnus, I... I wanted to talk to you about something." 

But before he could say a word, they were surprised by the sound of something falling inside the pool, drops of water hitting them. 

Suddenly, there were cheerful screams as well, and more things - _people_ \- jumping at the pool.

"What's going on?" He exclaimed.

"Everyone's just jumping at the pool! Oh my God!" Magnus shouted, laughing.

"Alec! Magnus!" Isabelle appeared at their side, shouting. "Do you guys have your cellphones with you?"

"I left mine at the table" Alec said.

"Me too. Why?" Magnus asked.

"Good!" His sister said, before he felt a push on the ribs and both him and Magnus were falling to the cold water. 

 

***

 

**3:30 AM**

Alec cautiously dragged his feet around the hallway, headed to the bathroom, the dizziness in his head not yet fully gone. He entered the bathroom and tried to calm himself down as he sat on the toilet to pee - he needed to relax in order to get some sleep, but it wasn't easy; not only due to the alcohol running through his veins, but also to know that _Magnus was sleeping at his place._ That was a thought that made his heart race.

After the party had its glorious conclusion with everyone jumping fully clothed inside the pool, their guests slowly started to go home one by one. Magnus and Dot, however, didn't have a car to go home, and since Isabelle was too drunk to drive, they would have to call an Uber, but both Izzy and Alec didn't want them to catch an Uber at 2 AM and thought that it would be best if they just stayed and spent the night - which both of them accepted without arguing too much. They were all too tired and  
drunk to argue, Alec figured. Which was also why it was good that he had been interrupted before being able to open up to Magnus about everything - there would be a better time for that.

After they had dried themselves up, Isabelle set up Max's room for Dot and the guest room - which was more like Jace's room, since he was the one who used it all the time, to the point where it was filled with his stuff - for Magnus. 

Despite a few worries and insecurities that had crossed his mind, Alec was genuinely satisfied about that party. It had been a good night. Most of all, because he was able to have fun with Magnus and to witness him being silly and joyful. That was truly something that filled his chest with happiness. 

Just as Alec left the bathroom and slowly closed its door behind him, he heard a strange noise. The sound of gasping and some sort of ticking. He walked through the hallway, frowning in confusion, trying to figure out where it was coming from. When he got to end of the hallway, he turned to his right side and the noise was closer than ever - he was certainly still drunk, but he was pretty sure that that was the guest room. 

"Magnus?" The door to the room was half-open, so he entered it in slow steps, concerned. "Are you okay?"

"C-C-C-Cold" Magnus whispered, and it was only then that Alec realized that the boy was _shivering,_ his teeth chattering from cold.

_"Oh my God,_ Magnus" He approached the mattress where Magnus was laying and carefully touched his shoulder; despite them having dried themselves up with towels, his clothes were still wet. "Your clothes are wet! We need to get you something dry to dress".

Alec turned to the other side, where he knew there were some hangers filled with Jace's old clothes. He groped until he found one, grabbing a random shirt and a pair of trousers. 

"Can you put these on?" He asked, getting close to Magnus again, but the boy was still a shivering mess. "Christ, Magnus, you're going to have hypothermia. I'll put these on you, okay?"

"Y-Yeah" Magnus agreed, rising up to sit on the bed. Alec tried his best to fumble through Magnus' shirt buttons, which he slowly took off and tossed aside. He then proceeded to nervously touch the boy's leg, slowly making his way to the zipper of his jeans, hoping he didn't touch anything he wasn't supposed to. All of that was truly awkward and maybe even a little inappropriate, but Magnus needed to get some warmth.

He pulled down the boy's pants, struggling a little bit to get it off through his feet, and then clumsily grabbed Jace's trousers and shirt to put them on Magnus. It took a couple of minutes because, well, Alec couldn't see what he was doing and Magnus was shaking a lot, but he managed to do it. Afterwards, he heard the other boy collapsing onto the matress again, still shivering.

"I'll get you some socks as well" He said, getting up again and searching for a nightstand that he knew was there somewhere. He stumbled across it after taking a few steps forward, and then proceeded to open it. There were some socks inside the drawer, so he grabbed a pair to put them on Magnus' feet. 

After that, he went back to his own room in a hurry to grab his thickest blanket from his wardrobe. 

"I'll stay here with you to keep you warm, okay?" He whispered as he went back to the guest room, closing the door behind him. He kneeled in front of the matress, spreading the blanket over Magnus, groping the boy's shoulder to make sure he was fully covered.

"I'm gonna keep you warm" He reassured the boy, proceeding to lay down next to him, putting the blanket over his body as well and pulling Magnus closer to embrace him tight.

"T-T-T-Thank you, Alexander" The boy whispered, his shivering and teeth chattering slowly getting less intense. Magnus' face was only inches apart from his, and the boy's hand touched his chest. Alec embraced Magnus with both of his arms, his left one resting on Magnus' back as his right hand touched the back of his head. He smelled perfect, his body felt perfect between Alec's arms, his hair felt perfect against the touch of Alec's fingers and so did his hand against Alec's chest. He felt Magnus' hot breath and his heart skipped a beat. That was the best feeling - all of it. 

"I am _so drunk"_ Magnus whispered, and Alec chuckled.

"I know" He whispered back. "I can smell it in your breath".

"Oh, really? Go to hell".

They both laughed softly.

"Just kidding". Alec said. "I'm still drunk, too. Today was fun".

Magnus simply grunted in agreement. Alec ran the tip of his fingers through the boy's hair to make sure they were dry, and God, it felt so soft.

"Can you do that again?" He asked Alec, almost inaudible. 

"What? This?" The tall boy caressed his hair again, and Magnus grunted.

"Yes. I like that". 

Alec blushed immediately, his heart racing so loud that Magnus could probably tell, but he didn't care. He closed his eyes and let himself enjoy that moment; their bodies sharing warmth with one another, Magnus' smell, Magnus' breath against his skin, Magnus' hand on his chest, Magnus' soft hair on the tip of his fingers. Magnus, Magnus, Magnus. He could not think of a more relaxing way to fall asleep. 

Alec brought his face closer to Magnus', and his lips almost touched the boy's forehead; Alec didn't kiss it, but he did let his mouth touch it. It wasn't even a peck, but it was close enough. He then lifted his head up and let his chin land on Magnus' head. He had never felt so cozy in his whole life.

"Good night, Alexander. Have some sweet dreams".

"You too, Magnus Bane. Dream of me" He joked, chuckling.

"That's all I ever do".

He heard Magnus' answer, but he was already falling asleep, so he didn't even have time to process its meaning; sleep simply took him over, flying him to the land of dreams as his veins were filled with endorphin from the pure joy of having the boy who he liked the most in the world wrapped around his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it me or was this chapter kinda longer than usual? anyways precious boys are precious. I told y'all good things would come to those who waited! If I were you, I wouldn't miss chapter 15 for nothing.... IJS! #NoSpoilers but it'll be great, so call everyone you know and be ready!! and thanks as always to all my readers and supporters <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause I've had my heart broken before  
> And I promised I would never let me hurt anymore  
> But I tore down my walls  
> And opened my doors  
> And made room for one  
> So, baby, I'm yours  
> Oh, baby, I'm yours

**Sunday, 12 PM**

Magnus' eyes were violently hit by the intense light as he opened them slowly and with difficulty. Even through the half-open curtains, the sun was shining bright. _'Shit, it must be late',_ he thought.

He didn't have time to pay much attention to the light, though, because Alec's face was the first thing his eyes met. He slept like a baby, his mouth half open, his breathing caressing Magnus' skin. The tall boy's arms were wrapped around him, one of his hands on Magnus' back and the other one touching his head. Under the blanket, their knees were touching. It was no longer cold - in fact, Magnus was starting to feel a little hot. He didn't, however, feel like moving a single muscle; his instincts were telling him to just stay there, safe and sound in Alec's arms, closer to him than he'd ever been, touching his chest and watching his ribs move as he breathed. Looking at Alec's face, his cheeks burned with a pleasant mix of shyness and adoration; waking up to that felt _so amazing,_ and he would happily stay like that for the rest of the day if he could. But he couldn't.

His head suddenly started aching, and along with the hangover, came the realization of the truth. Alec had slept on his bed only to give him warmth and not let him catch a cold; because he was a good friend, and a caring, loving, gentle person. But there was nothing more to it. Soon, the other boy would wake up, and just like that, it would all be gone; that thrill and joy that he was feeling would all melt away like snow, and he would be back to painfully craving for something unreachable. So Magnus had to get up, he figured. It was best to just cut it all off by himself as soon as he could. What if Alec woke up feeling _embarrassed?_ He had to avoid that possibility. 

_'Maybe just a little bit more',_ he thought, falling into his instinct, disappointed at himself for doing so. Only three more minutes. Three short minutes staring at Alec's face and letting himself be entranced by the boy's arms wrapped around him, and then he'd be gone. 

Magnus felt as if there was something flying all over his belly as he remembered the night before. All of the fun moments they had shared, and then how they fell asleep glued to one another, Alec caressing his hair as they chuckled and whispered silly jokes in the dark. 

_'Good night, Alexander. Have some sweet dreams.'_

_'You too, Magnus Bane. Dream of me.'_

And he definitely had. Magnus smiled to himself, trying to remember what he had answered; it was kinda blurry in his head.

_'That's all I ever do.'_

_Oh, shit._ He knew he should never trust his drunk self. _'Did I really say that?'_

Suddenly, he started panicking. His breathing got heavy and his headache intensified. His heart was pounding, and not because of Alec's body wrapped around his anymore. _Fuck._ He had to go away. He couldn't even bare to spend his full three minutes no more. He had screwed up, big time. 

What was he thinking? He knew Alec liked someone else. Why drop that bomb like that? What good would it possibly do? He just felt so _stupid._ And maybe Alec was drunk enough to let it slide, but soon he was going to wake up, sober, with Magnus laying next to him, and it would be all gone to shit. Alec would probably be uncomfortable and awkward, and it would _kill_ him.

He took a deep breath, holding back tears that threatened to fall down his face, and carefully got away from Alec, taking his long arms off of his back and his hand from his hair. He then looked at the boy's beautiful sleepy face one last time before turning around to get up from the bed. He had to leave, before Alec woke and remembered last night, before Magnus had to deal with that pain face to face. It had been hard enough once, and if he stayed there to witness their friendship being ruined in the same way his friendship with Raphael was, he would crumble. Especially because what he felt for Alec was _much_ stronger and inescapable. 

He picked his still slightly wet clothes and his shoes to leave, being extra careful when opening the door so Alec wouldn't wake up. From the hallway, he was able to hear Isabelle and Dot talking by the kitchen. He proceeded to enter the bathroom in order to switch back to his own clothes, not even bothering to wash his face or even look at himself in the mirror - he was probably looking like a mess as big as the one inside of him, but there was no time for that. He then took his cellphone out of his pocket in order to search for a nearby Uber.

"Morning, sunshine! Did you sleep well?" Dot asked as soon as he got to the kitchen. 

"Yeah, just fine" He hastily answered, before getting closer to the glass table where the two girls were sitting and placing his borrowed clothes on top of it, well folded. "My clothes were still wet last night and I was shivering, so Alec let me wear these ones. I hope that's okay. Here they are, brand as new."

"Yeah, no worries" The girl smiled. "Is he still sleeping?"

"I--I don't know" Magnus said, nervously. "I guess so. I need to be on my way. Do you want to join me, Dot?"

They both frowned at him, confused. 

"What are you talking about?" Isabelle said. "You just woke up! Sit down, we're going to eat something". 

"I can eat at home, don't worry".

"Magnus!" She insisted. "Did something happen? Listen, I know I'm not the best cook, but we can order something. Please don't just walk away like that!"

"Yeah, Magnus" Dot agreed. "Don't be rude!"

He bit his lip.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. I would love to stay, I really would. But It's twelve o'clock already, and I have a whole bunch of homework to catch up on. But thank you so much for your hospitality, I truly appreciate it".

Izzy sighed, with dismay.

"Well, if that's the case, then at least let me give you a ride home" She said, already getting up.

"No, no, it's not necessary! I already called an Uber, he's on his way. I'd still have to pay if I canceled it, so..." 

"Oh" She nodded, still suspicious, as if she knew something was wrong. "Okay. Well, I hope you enjoyed the party. It's always a pleasure having you around!" 

"It was lovely" He politely said, already turning around to leave in a hurry. "So, Dot, are you staying?"

"Yeah, Izzy and I are planning to take a swim and maybe catch a tan. Do you have your keys?"

"Yes" He was already on his way to the front door. "I'll see you girls later, then".

"Let me walk you out" Isabelle approached him in quick steps and led him outside, where they said goodbye with kisses on each other's cheeks, and then he left, for the Uber driver was already there. 

The ride home was gloomy and seemed to take an eternity. Over the city, the sky was slowly starting to get filled with clouds, as if to suit the mood of Magnus' soul. When he got back to Dot's place, he closed the door behind him with a slam and leaned back against it, closing his eyes and letting his hot tears roll down. 

He had fucked up. He had scared Alec, and was now probably about to lose him for good. _Shit,_ he truly was a dumbass when he drank. 

Why couldn't he be okay with being just friends with Alec? Why did he have to want more and ruin everything? Could it be that he was _cursed_ to destroy every single relationship with every boy that mattered to him due to stupid, unrequited feelings? Was that some sort of karma from a previous life? 

But no, he thought. He didn't _always_ destroy his friendships with boys. He didn't fall in love often - Alec was just _impossible_ not to crave. He hadn't seen it coming, but it hit him right on the chest before he could realize, all at once. Under that shell of a closed, stubborn, inflexible, tradition-freak boy, there was a warm, passionate, loyal, caring dreamer whose walls Magnus was joyful to tear down one by one - just as much as he was joyful to tear down _his own_ walls, baring his soul for Alec to explore. The boy wasn't just another one of his unsuccessful stories - he was the best one yet. 

He slid down to the floor, looking at the ceiling and getting lost in his own thoughts. The sound of the traffic outside and the timid drops of rain that started to fall was somewhat calming, but not enough to cleanse his mind. It was like a cosmical joke; after Raphael, he had promised himself to never again be foolish enough to develop feelings for a guy who wasn't gay, bi or pan. It seemed like a good recipe for avoiding pain. And now there he was, drowning in pain not because the boy he liked wasn't sexually or romantically compatible, but because he simply _didn't want_ Magnus. 

He picked up his phone and stared at the screen through his tears. Alec would probably wake up confused. He owed the boy a full explanation. He had dropped the bomb already, so he could as well let things go to shit with everything fully out in the open.

He opened his texts and went straight to Alec's history. He then coughed and inhaled through his nose, trying to prevent his voice from sounding brittle. 

"Hello, Alexander. Good morning, or good afternoon, I guess. Hope you slept fine. Um, I'm sending you this because I think you need an explanation. So, last night when we, uh... When you were there with me, you know, on the bed... That... _thing_ I said. I... I'm so sorry if it made you scared, you know. I was drunk, and it just slipped out. I... I guess I can't hide it anymore. I like you. I mean, I have a crush on you. I mean, I... I have feelings for you, Alec. And I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I didn't intend to let you know like this, like I said, it just... Came out. But don't worry. You don't owe me anything. You're my friend, and I'm grateful for that. So, um... I know things can get a little awkward, so... That's why I left before you woke up. I understand if you need some time and space. I'll give you that. I... I'm sorry". 

He pressed "send" after recording the audio message and lost it again, exhaling heavily and beginning to sob. He then threw his cellphone at the sofa bed; if he waited for the 'seen' confirmation, he would start freaking out. 

His mind immediately flied to himself throwing that same confession at Raphael, a couple of months earlier. He didn't expect the following heartbreak to come so soon.

'At least we shared some good times', He thought to himself. He wasn't even close to feeling like he'd shared enough experiences with Alec, but their moments together were carved into Magnus' heart, filling his being with joy and warmth whenever he thought of them. 

He remembered them hanging out at the amphitheatre after their first rehearsal together on stage, unable to contain a smile. On that day, Alec held Magnus' hand and told them that they felt soft. _'Seriously',_ he remembered the tall boy telling him, with chuckles. _'How can they be this soft? It's unbelievable.'_ Thinking of that moment sent a wave of comfort through his chest. He felt like such a fool, but his thoughts were now completely lost in special little moments that he hadn't been able to forget about.

He remembered one time, during History class, when Magnus couldn't stop being silly to try and appear cool and fun, and Alec kept on laughing at every single one of his jokes as if they were the funniest things on the universe. _'I could listen to your bad jokes forever.'_ He had told him. _'Seriously, write a book or something. I can never get tired of them'._

And then there was that one time when Magnus had called Alec on accident at night. As he apologized, the boy firmly let him know that _'You can call me anytime you want. You don't need a reason or an excuse. Just call me whenever you feel like it'._

Alec's voice saying those words, even if just inside his memories, was infallible in making him blush and feel tingles through his body. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel the touch of Alec's fingers between his. If he could live inside those memories, he would. 

When there were three knocks on the door right behind him, he froze, opening his eyes. He thought Dot had said she would have a day at the pool with Isabelle... But then again, maybe the rain had changed her plans, he figured. 

"Coming" He said as he got up, not even bothering to conceal his shaky voice or to wipe his tears; he just wanted to pour his heart out onto Dot, so maybe his friend would be able to offer him some relief. 

It wasn't Dot, however, who he saw when he opened the door. 

"Alec?" He asked, confused. He coughed, hoping that his voice would get back to normal. "What are you doing here by yourself? Who brought you here?"

"Izzy dropped me by" The tall boy said. "But she's already gone, so you kinda have to let me in. Why are you crying?". 

Alec's face showed concern and confusion. Magnus' heart beated like a sledgehammer. He was heavily breathing, his stomach twisting and his hands starting to shake. He wasn't ready for that. 

"Come in" He murmured, moving out of the boy's way so that he could enter the flat. Alec stepped in, his walking stick in hands, and Magnus closed the door slowly. 

"What happened, Magnus? I woke up and you were gone. Izzy told me you left in a hurry and didn't even want to accept a ride from her. She and Dot both agreed that you seemed unsettled. I called you, but you didn't answer. And now I come here to find you crying? What's wrong?"

Magnus frowned, not understanding.

"My phone was on silent. But... I told you why I left" He said. "Did you not get my message?" 

"Message? No, I haven't even used my phone today yet, except for calling you. _Why are you crying?"_

Magnus bit his lip, getting more anxious every second. When he messaged Alec, he did it because he was confident that the boy deserved an explanation. But it was one thing to expose himself through the phone; right now, with Alec standing right in front of him, he wasn't so sure anymore if he would be able to do that. 

He sat on the couch and touched his forehead. 

"I... I'm not sure I'm ready to tell you" He said. "It scares me. I... I don't know if you're going to be able to deal with it. I... I'm afraid that it will make you want to get away from me". 

_"What?_ No, it won't. I won't get away from you, Magnus. That's nonsense" He slowly approached the couch, touching it with his two hands before proceeding to sit right beside Magnus. "Why are you _scared?_ You know I would never judge you. You can count on me for anything". 

Magnus' whole body was burning with a mix of pain, desire and affection as Alec got closer to him. He pursed his lips. He knew Alec was being genuine, and he appreciated him _so much_ for it. But if he knew what that was about... There was no way things would ever be the same.

"I can't" He whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks again. "I'm sorry. I'm a mess, Alexander. A mess you don't wanna clean up. I... I wish I could tell you, but it's so _hard._ I'm a coward". 

"You're not a coward" He whispered back, touching Magnus' cheeks in order to wipe away his tears, weakening all of his senses. "Just... Just tell me what's going on, please. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can't. But you shouldn't keep things from me out of fear. I'm _here for you,_ Magnus. Don't you believe me?" 

Alec's voice was also brittle as he said that, and it _hurt_ Magnus. He would do anything to make him less worried, but he was still _frightened._

But Alec needed that. He needed an answer. Yes, it would ruin things, and yes, it would be painful, but he couldn't just keep Alec in the dark, worried and wondering. Silence treatment was the cruelest of all - he knew that quite well, since it was the one Raphael had been inflicting on him. And Magnus did not want Alec to suffer that way. He had to be brave. 

He took off Alec's sunglasses, putting them on the center table. The boy in front of him didn't move. He just kept facing Magnus, his eyes wet, his face full of concern. Magnus touched his face, affectionately. He was so moved by the amount of empathy, kindness, intelligence, authenticity and braveness that could fit into that one face. He got closer, and closer, Alec's breath hitting his face, their noses almost touching. He was intoxicated, and before he could tell, he was pressing their lips together. 

Their faces touched as Magnus kissed Alec softly. It was _ecstatic_ to feel the boy's soft lips touching his, and he felt like he was floating. That was a feeling he had only experienced in his wildest dreams, and to actually know what it was like - oh, Magnus could _never_ even dream of something so satisfying. 

But it wasn't enough to make him forget about the reality of things; so, in about three seconds, he set their lips apart again, slowly getting further from Alec's face. 

"There it is" He told the boy, his voice cracking from the pain. "There's your answer". 

Alec didn't say anything; he was starstruck, apparently. His eyebrows were raised and his mouth half open, and he seemed to be searching for words that got lost on the way.

"Magnus, I... I..."

"Are you happy now?" Magnus asked, nervous. "I gave you an explanation. Now what do you want from me, Alexander?"

Alec was breathing fast, and his eyes were moving to every direction. 

"More." He said. "I want more".

"What?"

The other boy touched his face. It immediately started tingling from the touch of his long fingers. He then came closer again, approaching Magnus' face until their lips met once again. If the first time was ecstatic, this one felt like everything he had ever dreamed of and so much more. Alec intensely caressed Magnus' lips with his own, and the softness, the way they moved against his, every single detail felt _perfect,_ as if they had been planned for a long time; as if Magnus had waited his whole life for that moment. As he kissed Alec back and put his hand on the boy's cheek, he felt like he could start _melting._

Alec got away slowly, still touching his face. Magnus felt deeply bothered by the sudden separation. 

"Why... Why did you do that?" He asked, stumbling across every word like a scared little kid.  
He was afraid; a slight sparkle of hope was now beginning to shine inside of him, but he couldn't help but wonder if Alec was just doing that out of sympathy or pity. 

"Magnus, do you... Do you have feelings for me?" The boy asked. His face was undecipherable; Magnus couldn't tell if he was hopeful, afraid or uncomfortable. 

He wanted to answer Alec; he wanted to tell him every single thing he felt so intensely for the boy, but it was still scary. He took a deep breath. 

"Can you just... Just listen to the audio message I sent you?" 

Alec faced him in silence for a couple of seconds before taking his cellphone out of his pocket.

"Alright" He whispered. As soon as he touched the screen, the Robot Lady let him know that he had one unseen message. "Play audio" He ordered, with the phone close to his mouth. 

Magnus' chest felt incredibly heavy as he listened to his own voice playing on Alec's cellphone, the tall boy listening closely without moving a muscle. 

_'Hello, Alexander. Good morning, or good afternoon, I guess. Hope you slept fine. Um, I'm sending you this because I think you need an explanation. So, last night when we, uh... When you were there with me, you know, on the bed... That... thing I said. I... I'm so sorry if it made you scared, you know. I was drunk, and it just slipped out. I... I guess I can't hide it anymore. I like you. I mean, I have a crush on you. I mean, I... I have feelings for you, Alec. And I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I didn't intend to let you know like this, like I said, it just... Came out. But don't worry. You don't owe me anything. You're my friend, and I'm grateful for that. So, um... I know things can get a little awkward, so... That's why I left before you woke up. I understand if you need some time and space. I'll give you that. I... I'm sorry'._

By the time that the audio was done playing, he felt his heart sinking. Yet, he managed to dry his tears from his face and put on a strong act as he said: 

"You don't have to be scared. I will always respect your boundaries, I promise. I know you see me as a friend, and I didn't want to feel like that, I know I shouldn't, it's unrealistic of me, but-" 

He didn't have time to finish his sentence, because Alec interrupted him with another kiss on the lips; this time, stronger and more intense. The first and second time, Magnus felt like it couldn't get better; yet somehow, this time, it did. He kissed Alec back with all the passion within his soul, and it was _the best feeling_ his body had ever experienced. Something inside of him exploded - it felt like his whole life up to that point had been a fraud, and he was only now discovering what it truly meant to _feel good._ Alec's lips felt sweeter than his mother's iced tea recipe, and he closed his eyes, letting himself get lost in that moment and capturing every single thing about the kiss. 

"Does that feel realistic enough to you?" The tall boy asked him as he set their lips apart. Magnus could barely breath.

"I mean... Yeah" He admitted, confused. "But... I don't understand. I heard you talking to Isabelle. You like someone else. I heard you telling her about this boy that fits perfectly into your life, and is everything that you've ever wanted..."

As Alec breathed slowly against his skin, he started chuckling at Magnus. The chuckle then turned into a laugh, and he lifted his head to face the ceiling, as if he'd just heard something hilarious.

"Magnus... Did you actually think that I was talking about anyone else but _you?_ You... You think there's anyone else that's perfect for me like _you are?"_

Magnus felt as if something was flying off his chest; as if he was just learning how to breathe again after being dead for days, and didn't know how to handle all the fresh air suddenly feeling his lungs. His eyes were wet again.

"Don't joke about that" He said, like a whimpering child. "You _don't_ joke with me about that, Alexander"

Alec chuckled again, a huge smile covering his face. He grabbed both of Magnus' hands.

"I would _never_ joke about this, Magnus! Magnus, I... What if I told you that... Your voice is the first sound that I long to hear every morning when I wake up? What if I told you that your smell... That it does _something_ to me, I don't know how, but it just calms me down and relaxes me every time I smell it? What if I told you that Isabelle is probably sick and tired of me because of how much I talk about you all the time? And that your hands... When I hold them, it feels like something is unlocked inside of me, like two pieces of a puzzle being connected? What if I told you that, whenever you're talking to me, I keep trying to turn my face away, because I'm always _blushing_ so hard? And that when we hang out, I always worry about looking better than I normally do, because despite not seeing you, I _know_ you look _flawless_ and it makes me nervous as fuck? What if I told you that... I just now started kissing you, but I don't know if I should do it again, because I'm not sure I will ever be able to _stop_ once I start?"

Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, crying his eyes out. Finally, he was able to smile.

_"For real?"_ He inquired, letting go of Alec's hands to touch both of his cheeks. The other boy did the same to him. 

"For real". 

Contagiated by Alec's smile, Magnus started chuckling as well. The situation was so _unbelievable_ that it felt like a joke. 

"So are you telling me... That I've been suffering in silence, thinking that I would _never_ be able to do something about my feelings... While _you_ were right here, feeling the same way?" 

Alec laughed as well.

"Pretty much." He said. "I can't believe it. This... This feels like a dream". 

"Oh, you're telling _me?_ I'm not sure yet if this is real! If you're really right here telling me this or... If you're just a _mirage_ or something." He softly caressed Alec's lower lip. "Did I drink mushroom tea? Are you real, Alexander? _What are you?"_

The tall boy put their noses together, and _oh,_ Magnus felt like that could be his drug of choice. 

"In love with you" He answered, whispering against Magnus' mouth, the tickle sending chills all over his spine. 

They stayed like that for a few seconds, not even kissing, just getting lost in each other. Alec opened his mouth again and said:

"I mean it. I'm in love with you, Magnus. And I need to know that you feel the same. I mean, I heard your voice message, but you talked about having _a crush_ for me, and having _feelings,_ but... What I feel for you is way more than just a crush. I need to know I'm not alone with this". 

Magnus finally broke the distance, and as he pouted against Alec’s mouth, his whole body celebrated. _'Gosh, how does this get better every time?_ Kissing Alec was officially his new favorite thing to do. He never wanted to stop.

This time, he deepened it a little more, slowly opening his mouth against Alec's; he didn't need to do anything else, because the boy got the message, quickly sliding his tongue against Magnus'. He couldn't help but groan from how good it felt. He was in pure bliss, his face burning with passion and his entire body emerged in a comfortable tingling, but sadly he needed air, so they eventually had to stop again. 

"This is _not_ just a crush." He told Alec. "It was an understatement. I only put it like that because I was afraid of scaring you away by telling the truth. And the truth is that... I've probably been in love with you since the day we met". 

Alexander grinned, blushing, and Magnus blushed as well; but this time, it was nothing like before, when the tall boy would make him blush in a feeling of _longing -_ no, this time he was blushing in a feeling of deep satisfaction and affection. An affection that wasn't repressed or muffled anymore; it was now free and materialized, and it felt absolutely incredible. 

"I still can't believe this is actually happening" Alec admitted, laying against the arm of the couch, his knee touching Magnus' leg. "Feels too good to be true. I'm so lucky". 

Magnus touched his hands again, deeply moved. 

_"I'm_ the lucky one" He said as a single tear of joy hit his mouth with a salty taste.

"Don't start a game you can't win!" The other boy warned him, and they both chuckled. 

Alec got closer to him again, proceeding to bring both of Magnus' hands up to his face. He then kissed them. The warmth in Magnus' chest could not be described.

"How can we both have been so dumb?" He said.

Alec laughed at him, and Magnus thought that his laugh was a beautiful piece of art. 

"At least we get to be idiots together" He said. "Remember? It's our thing."

Magnus looked at the beautiful boy in front of him, taking in everything; his lips, his face, his eyebrows, his hair, his eyes. All small parts of a beautiful portrait that was now tattooed to his mind. He then got slowly closer to Alec and laid his head on the boy's chest, wrapping his arms around him. Alec embraced him back and put his chin on Magnus' head. 

"So what do you wanna be _now?"_ He asked his lover. 

There were a few seconds of silence, as if Alec was pondering, which made Magnus nervous.

"Yours" He finally said, to which Magnus smiled. 

"Well, that's a good thing" He said. "Since I wanna be yours too, you know. Such a crazy coincidence."

"Yeah" Alec chuckled. "Sounds like a deal, huh?"

"Absolutely". 

Magnus felt his face getting warm again, and it definitely felt better to blush against Alec's chest than otherwise. He might have just found his new favorite pillow. 

He stared at the window, at the raindrops hitting the glass. The sound, along with that of Alec's breathing, was music to his ears. However, it was also starting to get cold, so he reunited all the strength he could find within himself to pull away from Alexander's embrace and get up from the sofa bed. 

"No, no, don't go!" The tall boy practically _begged,_ his voice brittle. 

"I'll just go grab a blanket for us." He explained. "It's kinda cold, don't you think?"

"Oh. Yeah, okay. But don't take too long, please." Alec asked him, and there was a genuine craving in his expression. "I'll be here jumping with euphoria and doing celebratory dances". 

Magnus laughed at the thought, and he couldn't help but be interested in that image. 

_"Dork"_ He said before turning away and heading to the hallway in a hurry.

When he got back to the living room, Alec wasn't jumping in celebration, but upon the vision of the boy laying on the couch, waiting for him with puppy eyes, Magnus could be the one to do just that. 

He laid down with Alexander - _his_ Alexander - once again, covering both of them with the blanket, overwhelmed by the physical _and_ the emotional warmth that hit him both at the same time. Alec was now embracing him from behind, his hands meeting over Magnus' belly, his lips kissing Magnus' neck as the rain continued to fall outside. 

They didn't turn on the TV, or even say a word. There would be plenty of time for them to engage in their intimate, joyful conversations again - but at that moment, words weren't needed; they were both happy with letting the silence speak, just cuddling and enjoying each other's presence, letting the physical contact show all the joy and appreciation that couldn't be put into words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *casually throws all the fluff in the world at you guys* *and then some more* 
> 
> So um I think this chapter is me coming out as a hopeless romantic I guess? I don't know if you guys ever noticed that before or something? maybe? hehe 
> 
> anyways ugh this was SO heartwarming to write and I hope it is just as heartwarming for y'all to read, I love my boys and how their love inspires and touches us so much ugh I'll leave before I get fucking emo x( 
> 
> If there's one chapter where a review letting me know your thoughts would be appreciated, that's the fucking one!! It's here and I can't believe it! I hope I didn't disappoint!
> 
> P.S.: Stream Solo by Jennie because um??? a fucking bop???


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a heavy heart to carry, my beloved was weighed down  
> My arms around his neck, my fingers laced to crown  
> I was a heavy heart to carry, but he never let me down  
> When he had me in his arms, my feet never touched the ground  
> I'm so heavy,  
> heavy in your arms

**Monday, 11:10 AM**

Alec anxiously shook his right leg as he tried to pay attention to that boring Chemistry class. Sitting by his side, Jace was just as bored - he could tell by the constant sighs coming from the boy. Alec just wanted it to be over already so he could go get lunch and finally talk to his boyfriend, who hadn't shared any classes with him on that morning. 

   _My boyfriend._ He couldn't help but grin to himself, mentally floating. Thinking of Magnus as his boyfriend still gave him chills - to know that he was actually in a relationship with that special, extraordinary boy; he felt so _blessed._

  And his beautiful boyfriend literally hadn't left his mind for one second in the last 24 hours. Being with him and feeling the taste of his lips was all that Alec could think about. They had spent the entire Sunday together, and he still didn't feel like it had been enough.

  When Magnus texted Dot and politely asked her to stay at Isabelle's for the rest of the day, the girl was kind enough to do that, allowing them to have some time for themselves. She knew what was going on, and so did Isabelle - Alec had made an agreement with Magnus that he was fine with the girls knowing, but not anyone else. He still needed some time before being ready to fully come out. 

  Magnus, as usual, was completely understanding, tranquilizing Alec and letting him know that he could take all the time that he needed, with no hurry or pressure. That meant _a lot_ for Alec, considering how open and proud the boy usually was. He really looked forward to the day where he would feel confident enough to hold Magnus' hand in public and let everyone know that he had the most amazing boyfriend in the world - but, for now, he was more than happy with just being with Magnus, no matter how secretly. The world was such a scary place, especially for a boy like him, and he was _not_ going to hide forever - Magnus deserved better than that -, but he was really scared of his family, and he also needed some time to prepare for all the backlash that he would get at school. 

Fifty excruciating minutes later, when the bell rang announcing the end of the class, Alec got up so fast from his desk that he almost hit his knee against it. 

"See you later" He quickly told Jace, before grabbing his walking stick and leaving the classroom, headed to his locker.  
As he put his tape recorder inside his locker and closed the metal door, he was greeted by a nudge on the back, his heart jumping.

"Hey. Shall we go for lunch?" Dot said. "Magnus is waiting for us at the cafeteria. He went first to secure he'd get some fresh slices of pizza".

"Oh. Okay. Yeah, let's go" Alec said, trying to conceal his disappointment upon finding out that it wasn't Magnus who had poked him. 

When they got to the cafeteria, sitting together at their usual table, Alec's nostrils were immediately filled with Magnus' addictive smell, and he felt as excited as a puppy whose owner had just got home from work. 

"Good afternoon!" His boyfriend merrily said amidst all the noise around them. "I grabbed an extra yogurt for you, Dot, and some meatballs for you, Alexander". 

"Thank you!" Dot said.

_"Yes,_ I knew I was smelling something good!" Alec exclaimed, hearing a plate being dragged to his direction. "Thank you, babe".

There was a moment of silence as he grabbed his plastic fork and started eating. 

_"Oh my God!"_ Dot laughed. "Did you just call him _babe?_ Alec, you should see how _hard_ Magnus is blushing right now!" 

"No, I'm not! _Stop,_ Dorothea!"

Suddenly Alec started blushing as well, grinning while nervously chewing his meatballs. He hadn't consciously thought about it; it just naturally slipped through his mouth. 

"I... I just wanna be _tender_ towards my boyfriend. Sorry if it sounded corny" He said as he finished chewing.

"Don't pay attention to her. I like it when you're tender" Magnus said, and Alec felt something touching his knee. Putting his fork down, he locked his fingers with Magnus' from under the table, enjoying the comfortable tingle that he began to feel. 

"Aw" Dot said "You look so cute with your face turned into a volcano, Magnus".

"Dot, if you don't stop, _I swear on the ghost of Freddie Mercury..."_

"Ok, ok! Just messing with you!" She laughed again, and Alec could hear the girl opening her bottle of yogurt. "Anyways, I'm very happy for you guys. But I also feel like I'm being inconvenient! You know, I'm basically the third wheel here".

"Nonsense. We enjoy your company a lot" The tall boy secured her. 

"You're not a third wheel, Dot!" Magnus agreed. "You're my best friend. Besides, we need you here in order to, you know, _not raise suspicions."_

Alec bit his lip. That kinda hurt him - that they had to consciously avoid being seen alone together at school. He felt kinda guilty, but there was so much at stake...

"I'm sorry" He told the other boy. "For putting you through this. I know it must be hard for you, being with a closeted person. I wish it didn't have to be like this".

"Hey, don't worry" Magnus whispered affectionately at him while caressing his hands, which were still tied together at Alec's lap. "You have nothing to apologize for. Everyone has their time to cope with things. It's not a sacrifice for me. I mean, I wish it was different too, and I look forward to the day when it will be, but... I'm totally fine with waiting for you to be ready. No need to rush anything, all I need is _you._ It's not like I have, you know, a family to introduce my boyfriend to or anything like that. And people inside this school are really ignorant, anyway. Always best to avoid risks". 

Alec grinned, breathing softly as he listened to the boy with pure bliss and fondness. _'God, he's so perfect. I really am the luckiest.'_

"Thank you so much. You're the best." 

They went on to keep on eating and talking about casualties for a few minutes, until Alec coughed and decided that he had to do something.

"I was thinking, Magnus" He said, kinda nervous. "Now that we're together, I have to take you out on a date, don't I?"

Magnus continued on chewing his pizza and swallowed before saying:

"I mean, you don't _have to..._ Only if you want to".

_"Of course I do!"_ He insisted. "That's why it's called _dating._ We have to make it by the book, you know. Make it official. It's going to be so much fun!"

"Yeah, Magnus, let your man be a prince charming!" Dot intervened "God knows we're not all that lucky. You two are going on a date!"

"Why do I have the feeling you're only saying this because you want your apartment to be all free for yourself for one day?" Magnus inquired.

_"What?_ Shut up! You know I _love_ having you guys around. How could I _not_ help provide these beautiful lovebirds a safe place to be together?" 

"And we're very grateful for that" Alec made sure to add. "Seriously, Dot. You're the best for letting us use your apartment as our _safe space._ I can't thank you enough".

"Hey, that's what friends are for. Like I said, just make sure y'all text me in case you wanna have sex so I can go out for a couple drinks or something". 

The three of them chuckled, and Alec blushed. Even though they had spent hours together at Dot's couch and Magnus' mattress the day before, they hadn't had sex, or anything close to that. Sometimes, a few kisses from Magnus would get him a little bit _too excited,_ so he'd ask the boy to go easier, explaining that he wasn't ready for that yet. He _wanted_ to experience that with Magnus, but the thought made him a little bit nervous - because he couldn't see anything, he feared that maybe he wouldn't be able to do the right things, to know how to please his boyfriend properly, or worse, that he would end up _hurting_ Magnus or something. But they had only started dating, and there would be plenty of time to discuss those things. 

"So..." Magnus said. "I was actually thinking the same thing, you know. That we should have our first date some time this week. But I thought that _I_ could be the one to take you out, you know... Maybe it'd be easier".

Alec frowned.

"I mean, it's not that I have a problem with you being the one to take action, but... You already do so much for me, you know? I really felt like making it up to you this time." He explained. "Besides, I said it first, so... Perhaps let me have this one?" 

Magnus laughed.

"Alright. Yeah, sure. I mean, I actually _am_ a little short on money, as usual, so I guess I can let you be the _prince charming_ this time."

Alec smiled, his heart warm. He couldn't wait to take the boy out on a really cool date. That was a really exciting goal to work on. 

"And what place were you thinking?" His boyfriend asked. 

"Maybe the movies?" He said. _"'Room'_ just came out, and everyone's talking about it."

"Are you sure? I mean, not that it wouldn't be cool, but... I just thought you'd prefer doing something that you could enjoy more". 

Alec pursed his lips.

"I mean, yeah, going to the movies isn't the funnest thing on Earth for me" He admitted. "But I thought it would be a good place to, you know... Be close to each other without having to worry. It's dark, cozy and everybody will be snuggling someone." 

There was a second of silence.

"Yeah, that's a quite _tempting_ concept, I must admit" Magnus said, and he smiled. "But I was actually looking forward to check out _'Crimson Peak',_ if you don't mind". 

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you'd like. And then, I was also thinking of maybe going somewhere to eat afterwards, you know. Perhaps even somewhere safe, where we could be... Open". 

He raised an eyebrow at Magnus, hoping that the boy would be excited about that idea.

"If you're talking about Dot's place, I don't think there's even enough space there for a nice dinner. No offense, Dot". 

"None taken".

Alec chuckled.

"No, I'm not talking about Dot's apartment. Perhaps I have a little _surprise_ in store for you. Good things come to those who wait, you know". He explained with a smirk.

"Oh!" The boy sounded surprised. "Okay. You know I think you're _so hot_ when you act mysterious, Alexander. So what day of the week were you thinking?" 

"Are you free on Wednesday night? Movie tickets are always cheaper on Wednesdays". 

"And are your parents okay with you going out on Wednesday night?"

"Yeah, I just have to tell them I'm going out with Jace."

"Okay. Sounds good, yeah" He agreed. "I can't wait". 

"Me neither". He pursed his lips; the desire to kiss Magnus right there was really hard to deal with. 

"Look at you two, developing your relationship step by step right in front of my eyes" Dot noted. "So adorable! Can I start a journal on it?" 

"No, you cannot" Magnus told her. 

Alec laughed. He really wished that lunch time lasted forever and that he didn't have to go back to class.

"What class do you have now?" He asked the other boy as he put one last meatball on his mouth. 

"Art twice, and then two of English." He answered. "You?" 

Alec sighed.

"Philosophy, Spanish and then two of my Law elective. That sucks."

He could hear Magnus sighing as well.

"It does" He said. "But we share quite a few classes on the other days of the week, don't we?"

"Not as much as I'd like". Alec swallowed, thoughtful. "I... I was actually thinking of switching them a little bit. You know, changing my whole timetable". 

Magnus gasped at him.

"Alexander, I would really like to spend more time with you, but... I don't think you should mess with your academic life just because of me". 

"Well, it's not _just_ because of you" He pointed out. "You know I've been questioning my future goals for a while now. Going for the Law career was never really my choice. And I've been developing more and more interest in arts and stuff. Maybe it would be good for me to experience _your_ timetable". 

His boyfriend was in silence, as if hesitating.

"Well, yeah, you know I _do_ think that you should expand your horizons and do what you feel passionate about instead of what someone else has pushed you into doing, but... Maybe going to exactly all the same classes as me isn't quite the answer? Like, don't get me wrong, I think it would be _amazing_ to watch every single class with you by my side, but... I just don't want you to worry too much about spending time with me and not enough about seeking what you love. I wouldn't want to get on the way to your success".

Alec's heart felt cozy, but also a little bit sad that the boy would think that.

"You're not on the way of my success, Magnus" He firmly said. "I don't even have a full picture of what success would look like for me yet, that's what I'm trying to say. I'm not sure about a lot of things, and for the most part, I don't know what I want. But I _do know_ that I want _you._ That's for sure". 

When Magnus once again touched his leg affectionately in response, the pictures inside his head started glowing like the sun. 

"You're really trying to give Dot more reasons to call me a volcano, aren't you?" He said, chucking, and Alec smiled. "You do as you want. I will support whatever decision you make. You're young and do not have to be sure of what you want just yet. Just think about it carefully, okay?" 

"I will. I promise". 

He wasn't seeing Magnus, but sitting there in front of the boy, taking in his smell, listening to the sound of his breathing and occasionally touching his hand under the table, his mind was definitely filled with a beautiful picture. He couldn't wait to have his first date with the boy, and after that, to continue on exploring new horizons and living new things with him.

 

***

 

 **Wednesday, 7:30 PM**

Alec clumsily lifted up the collar of his jacket and folded up his sleeves as he waited for his Uber outside. Isabelle, however, was quick to unfold his sleeves back to normal, as well as folding back his collar.

"It looks better like this" She told him. 

The boy took a deep breath, equally parts excited and nervous.

"How do I look, overall?" He asked her, biting his lip.

_"Amazing",_ she assured him. "Magnus will be starstruck. Your Uber's here, let's go. And don't forget to text me when you get there safely!" 

"Yeah, I'll be fine" He let his sister guide him to the car and kissed her goodbye on the cheek before entering, greeting the driver with a shy "Good evening" before asking him to go pick up his "friend" on the way to the mall. He carefully explained the address that Izzy had repeatedly taught him, hoping to get everything right, and, in a few minutes, the car stopped and the Uber driver let him know that they were there. 

"Okay. Just wait for me here, I'll be right back" Alec told him.

He sighed as he got out of the car, his heart racing. Yes, all of that would be way easier if he had just let Isabelle drive him there, but he was insistent on doing it as independently as he could - he wanted to feel like he was actually in charge of that special night with Magnus. His sister was worried and reluctant, but after talking it through a few times, they had come to terms. Alec was really nervous as he got out of the car, his walking stick in hands, but he was also hopeful upon the possibility of finally learning to live life in his own steps. 

He had texted Dot a few minutes earlier, so the girl was already waiting for him at the gate. They friendly greeted each other as she grabbed him by the arm and carefully guided him up the stairs towards her apartment.

"Magnus is in my room, still getting ready. It won't be much longer though, sit here and wait" She said when they entered, guiding Alec to the couch, where he proceeded to sit, grinning. "MAGNUS! YOUR BOYFRIEND IS HERE, HURRY UP OR YOU'LL BE LATE FOR THE MOVIE!" 

"COMING!" He shouted back from the other room, and Alec chuckled, his heartbeats getting faster every second.

"Nervous?" Dot noticed, to which he raised his eyebrows. "Don't worry, it'll be fun. You guys had fun together before, the only difference now is that you'll be doing it as boyfriends. But Magnus is crazy about you, so he'll definitely be pleased no matter what, that's for sure". 

He smiled at her, feeling a little more relieved. 

"Thank you, Dot. I just really want this to be special for the two of us. He means a lot to me". 

"I know". She said. "It's beautiful to see". 

Suddenly, there was a door being opened, and Alec turned his head to the side, on the edge of his seat. His nostrils were filled with that unmistakable smell, and he immediately got up from the sofa.

"Hey" Magnus said, somewhat timidly. 

"Hey, babe" Alec started walking slowly towards the other boy, guided by his smell, getting more intoxicated with each step closer. Magnus smelled better than ever - his usual scent of nail polish and sandalwood was there, but there was also some new stuff; a floral perfume mixed with something herbal that reminded him of shampoo. When he got close enough to touch the boy, he groped onto his shirt, feeling the characteristic texture of silk, as well as a satin ribbon tied around his neck. Alec was also able to identify some necklaces and bracelets. His lover was looking elegant, fancy, outstanding and _unique_ \- as usual. 

"So... How good do you think I look?" The boy whispered at him.

_"Stunning._ But that's not really a surprise, is it?" 

He touched Magnus' chin and pulled him closer for a kiss. He had missed that. He placed a series of passionate kisses on the boy's lips, happy to see that he was responding just as passionately. 

"God, I'm so relieved" Alec admitted. "I have such a hard time keeping my lips away from yours at school". 

"Yeah, I can tell" Magnus chuckled. 

"Oh, can you? _Good._ " He teased with a smirk before pecking the boy on the lips one last time. "We should go. My Uber driver's waiting for me outside. See you later, Dot!"

"Have fun, boys" She told them as he heard the TV being turned on. 

"Did you just say 'my Uber driver'?" Magnus asked him as they went downstairs together, Alec grabbing his arm. "Didn't Isabelle bring you here?"

"Not today, no" He explained. "I kinda wanted to give her a break and do this on my own, you know".

_"Alexander!_ And did you share your trip with her? Did you have your number on dial in case something happened?"

_"Nothing_ happened!" Alec gasped "I can take care of myself".

"I know, I know. I just worry about you. But I know you're a smart boy". 

He blushed upon those words, proceeding to kiss Magnus' cheek. 

Then they entered the car, and it didn't take too long before they arrived at the mall. Magnus guided him by the arm through the place till they got to the movie theater, his sunglasses on and his walking stick in hands, assuring that they wouldn't be _exposed_ as a couple, but instead as just one friend being helped by the other. 

As they were standing in line to buy their tickets, Alec's veins were filled with a thrilling feeling - it felt _so cool_ to be at the line for the movies with his boyfriend, ready for their first date. It was something new, exciting and that he wouldn't expect to be happening to him in a million years.

When they entered the theater, the trailers were already being displayed, which was good, because then Alec wouldn't have to wait long till the two of them could finally hold hands and snuggle. They picked a pair of seats at the last row, right at the corner, where no one else was sitting and they were less likely to be seen. As soon as they sat, side by side, Alec lifted up the arm of his seat, which was separating their chairs, so that Magnus could lay against his shoulder. As soon as he did that, Alec laid his head against his boyfriend's, his right hand holding the boy's left one. _'Please be a long movie',_ he mentally prayed. 

It was two hours long, and those were definitely a pleasant couple of hours. It was a horror movie, so the visuals were a huge part of it - and Magnus would explain some stuff to him from time to time, whispering about some visual informations against his ear; but, for the most part, neither one of them really cared that much about understanding the plot in full depth - they were too busy smooching each other as if there was no tomorrow to even get scared. Sometimes they were just exchanging pecks, sometimes they were french kissing, sometimes they were _full-on_ making out and sometimes they were just cuddled against each other, holding hands and trying to absorb at least _something_ about the film; regardless, it was a dream date for Alec. Fireworks bursted inside of him the whole time, and he wished that they could stay right there forever. 

At some point, when the movie was about halfway through, his right arm wrapped around Magnus, the boy's head laid on his chest, he said:

"I'm so happy". 

He could feel his boyfriend lifting his head up to look at him.

"Me too" He whispered back. "You know... I never thought of myself as the going for a date at the movies type, but... I really like it. And I never thought I'd have something like this". 

Suddenly, Alec tightened his embrace around the boy, as if to keep any sad thoughts away.

"Why not?" He asked.

Magnus exhaled slowly.

"I guess I just never met a boy who was willing to have that with me. I was always the guy they wanted to have some quick fun with, never the one they wanted to take out on dates. And I guess that led me to label myself as someone who wasn't fit for romance". 

Alec's heart hurt like hell when he heard those words. Why would anyone treat him like that? He got closer to the boy and kissed him warmly on the forehead.

"They were wrong, and dumb. You're _definitely_ more than fit for relationships. Anyone would be a fool not to see that. You're caring, loyal, passionate, fun and I cannot think of a better boyfriend in the entire world. Never forget that, okay?" 

Magnus gently caressed his left cheek, causing him to almost melt into the floor.

"Thank you" He said. 

"Anyways... I never thought I would have something like this right here, either" Alec admitted. "You know that. For someone like me... This feels like a dream. So, yeah, I'm pretty much fucking exploding from happiness about this seemingly small thing, too". 

They kissed again as they chuckled softly into each other's faces; not because there was anything particularly funny happening, but because they just made each other so _silly_ and _joyful._

The greatest part of the date, however, was yet to come; as they left the movie theaters, Alec ordered another Uber to take them to the surprise he had prepared for Magnus. There was this Chinese Food place called the Jade Wolf, and his friend Maia knew the owner, Luke Garroway. It wasn't exactly a very busy place, so Alec just had to pay the man a little extra in order for him to let the two of them have their own private, particular dinner for one hour after it was closed. 

Magnus was _dumbfounded_ by his boyfriend's surprise, and he couldn't stop laughing of joy when they arrived there, which made it all more than worth it for Alec. It was dimly lit inside and they had a nice dinner with some candlelight, and the best part was that they were able to feel safe enough to hold hands and be tender towards each other. Alec didn't really like Chinese food, but it didn't matter; he ate it all like it was the best meal he had ever had, and with Magnus sitting right in front of him, their hands glued to one another, exchanging jokes and light commentary about the movie they'd just watched, maybe _it was._ By the end of the night, he was definitely feeling very satisfied with himself for what he had accomplished to do for his special one. 

 

***

 

 **Tuesday, 4:45 PM**

The rest of October flied by in the blink of an eye, and so did November, the air getting colder everyday. Soon, Magnus and Alec had been dating for over a month. It still felt like a dream, though, and Alec had to pinch himself everyday to make sure that it was real; he couldn't help but be thunderstruck, with each day that passed, by the fact that Magnus was, in fact, sticking around, and seemed to truly like him back. The kisses _still_ felt electrifying, and his touch _still_ felt like home.

He ended up switching his timetable at school, after all; he didn't choose to attend _all_ the exact same classes as Magnus at all times - instead, he tried to come up with a planning that seemed more or less appealing to him -; but he _did_ have more shared time with his boyfriend now, which definitely wasn't something to complain about. 

They had a few other dates after their first one; especially at the amusement park next to school - after surviving the Ferris wheel, the two of them were now planning on gathering enough courage to go the rollercoaster. Magnus didn't always have money, so sometimes they would end up just spending time together at Dot's place, cuddling under blankets and watching movies or just eating, listening to music and talking. On weekends, when the girl didn't work and was there at the apartment, she would sometimes stay inside her room to give the boys their space; at other times, she would go out and leave them there to enjoy the place by themselves, and then there was also those days were the three of them would watch something together.

On that Tuesday, Magnus had skipped school. Alec had called him to know why, and the boy had said he'd simply woken up with a bit of headache. So, after school was over, he asked Izzy to leave him at his boyfriend's place - Dot had to go to work, where she'd be till 10, so maybe the two of them could spend some time together just by themselves. 

He called the intercom, and Magnus picked it up in a second.

"Hello?" His voice sounded a little thin.

"Hey, angel. It's me, your favorite boy". 

Magnus chuckled softly through the speaker. 

"Cocky ass. Come in". 

The gate was open with a loud bang. Alec waved goodbye at Isabelle and proceeded to enter as he heard his sister's car leaving. He didn't need her help; after a month going there almost every single day, he already knew how to move himself towards the stairs that led to Dot's apartment. 

When he got there, the door to the place was open, so he entered, but not without announcing himself:

"Honey, I'm home!" He joked, closing the door behind him.

"Be right there!" Magnus shouted from Dot's room. "Just finishing some cleaning". 

Alec smiled. Such a precious, helpful boy he had. He walked towards the tiny corridor, deciding to use the bathroom while he waited for his boyfriend to finish his cleaning. He entered it and did his stuff. After getting up from the toilet and heading to the sink to wash his hands, he noticed a weird smell; something there smelled like iron, or even _rust._ When he touched the inside of the sink, he was scared upon feeling something sticky, yet also a little drained, against his hands. He joined his index finger and his thumb to feel it a little better, but as soon as he brought his hands closer to his nose, he knew what it was. 

"Magnus?" 

He then opened the bathroom's door, his heart pounding.

"Magnus, why is there blood on the sink?" 

The door in front of him, that led to Dot's room, was opened, and he was finally greeted by the smell of Magnus.

"Oh, that" The boy said. "I cut myself a little bit while shaving. No big deal. Come on, let me wash that off your hands". 

He touched Alec and guided him into the bathroom again, where they both stood together at the sink. Magnus opened the tap and let the water roll down, grabbing both of Alec's hands and placing them inside.

"Are you sure that's just that?" He inquired, still a little worried, as the boy rubbed his hands. 

"Yeah" Magnus said. "I'm still a little clumsy at shaving. But it wasn't like a big cut or anything, it stopped bleeding already". 

"Be careful, babe" Alec asked him, frowning as the faucet was closed. "These things can be dangerous. I mean, not that I'm the best at shaving myself". 

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, I'll pay more attention next time." He pecked Alec on the lips. "So what brought you here?" 

"What do you mean, what brought me here?" The tall boy chuckled. "I'm here to see my boyfriend, of course. You skipped school and I was worried about you. Is your head feeling better?" 

Magnus hesitated a little bit before answering.

"Yes, I'm fine now. You know..." He said "This may be cheesy, but... Even after a month, hearing you refer to me as your boyfriend... It gives me _chills,_ I can't deny it. I feel like a 13 year old". 

Alec smiled, blushing. It gave him chills as well, which was why he liked to call him by that as often as possible.

"It does?" He teased, placing a kiss behind Magnus' ear. "Interesting. It's always nice to know what _my boyfriend_ likes to hear. I love making _my boyfriend_ feel good, you know. That's why I came here now, to make sure _my boyfriend_ was feeling better". 

He kissed him provocatively on the cheek as he finished saying that, laughing while Magnus grunted.

"You really want to drive me insane, don't you, Alexander?" 

"Only the right amount of it".

He pressed his lips against Magnus' lips as firmly as he could, touching his cheek as the boy's hands went to rest on his hair. Soon enough, the kiss got some amount of _heat;_ Alec opened his mouth while they were french kissing and Magnus slid his tongue inside. The two of their tongues danced against one another as Alec felt his breath getting heavy. He lifted Magnus up by his shoulders, pressing him against the bathroom wall, and soon the boy was wrapping his legs around Alec's waist, and _fuck,_ he wanted him _so bad,_ but he wasn't ready for the next step yet. 

The make out session slowly toned down back to soft kisses, and as Alec caught his breath, Magnus whispered to him:

"It's a good thing you came. I want to do something, and I need your company. I don't think I can do it by myself".

"Okay. What is it?" He asked, still on cloud nine, gasping through his words.

"I want to go back to my grandfather's apartment to pick up some stuff that I left behind. That is, if he hasn't sold them or _burned them yet._ I still have my keys."

Alec frowned.

"Magnus, no! It's not safe for you to face that man again! And I would like to think that I might be able to protect you, but I can't be really sure..."

"I won't face him! He works till late. Remember? We just have to make it quick" He explained.

Alec bit his lips, thoughtful. He still didn't have a good feeling about that, but he knew there was a lot of things his boyfriend wanted to get back.

"Are you _sure_ he won't be at home? We can't afford to be uncertain". 

"He won't. I know it".

Alec sighed.

"Okay, then".

They took the subway together to get there; Magnus couldn't afford an Uber, and he didn't want Alec to spend his money on him either, as much as he'd insisted. 

As Magnus opened the glass door and they entered the place together, Alec asked, one more time:

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" 

The other boy took a deep breath, leading his fingers from Alec's arm to his hands. Alec squeezed it firmly.

"I am" Magnus answered. "Let's go". 

They went up the stairs and into the kitchen. Alec couldn't help but feel a little bit nervous, as if that awful man could jump from some corner at any moment. 

They followed to Magnus' old room, and the tall boy patiently waited, sitting on the bed, as his boyfriend picked up some of his old stuff from his wardrobe. 

"Are they still here?" He asked.

"Yeah, pretty much everything. I'm not gonna pick a lot of stuff, just a few things that can fit into my bag". 

After a couple of minutes, the sound of Magnus picking stuff and putting them on his bag was over. Alec then felt the boy abruptly sitting in front of him on the bed.

"Are you done?"

"Yeah. I think so".

"Then let's get out of here".

"Wait!" Magnus said, touching his arm. "I have some good news to share with you. And I wanted to do it here, you know. In what used to be my bed. I've spent quite a few nights dreaming of you here". 

Alec smiled and tenderly caressed the boy's cheek. 

"Okay." He said. "I'm listening". 

"Ready for it?"

"Yeah".

Magnus inhaled deeply, as if wanting to create suspense before dropping his apparently thrilling news. 

"I got a job!" 

Alec raised both of his eyebrows, astonished.

_"For real?"_ He exclaimed, gasping. "That's _amazing,_ Magnus! Congrats!" 

"I know!" 

They both laughed in joy and pulled each other close for a tight hug. Alec kissed the boy's cheek. He was truly _so happy_ for him. 

"What is it?" He inquired with a smile. "What are you doing?"

"I'll be a bartender. The dude was pretty impressed with my skills at preparing cocktails. I'll work only part time, from 7 PM to midnight, since, you know, I'm a student and I don't really have any experience, but it's _something_ already! It will at least be enough for me to help Dot with some of the apartment's expenses and hopefully even save for college! I'm very excited". 

When Magnus announced his working hours, Alec couldn't help but bite his lip. Still, he said:

"I'm very happy too, babe. You deserve this". He then proceeded to kiss the boy softly. 

"Is everything alright?" Magnus asked as he parted away from his lips. "You look upset". 

Alec sighed.

"No, I'm not upset" He said. "I'm happy that you're gonna get your own money now. I just felt a little _eh_ for a second because that means we're going to have less time together during the week, but I support you pursuing your independence! Don't mind me, you know I would be doing the same thing if I could". 

Magnus gently caressed both of his hands, which made him feel a little better.

"Oh, Alexander. I know, that part sucks. But we still have a couple of hours everyday between the time we leave school and the time I have to go to work. Except when, you know, we have to stay after school for the rehearsals... And I know your parents wouldn't allow you to be out after 10, but if ever you can't sleep, we can always stay up late talking through the phone". 

"Yeah" Alec nodded, not wanting to ruin Magnus' joy by making it about him. "You're right. And who knows? Maybe one of those days I can convince mom and dad to let me 'sleep at Jace's' during the week... Maybe one day you'll get home from work and I'll be there waiting for you".

They chuckled.

"That would be great, yeah" The other boy agreed.

"So! When do you start? And where is it?"

"Next Monday, at Pandemonium". Suddenly, Alec's smile disappeared, and his heart sank. 

_"Pandemonium?"_ He started to breathe heavily. "Magnus... Don't you know that place is known for being... _Not very safe?"_

He heard Magnus taking a deep breath.

"I know" He admitted. "I know it has a history of violent fights, sexual assault and armed robberies... Listen, I never said it was the perfect job! But it's what I've got so far. It's hard for me to find jobs".

"But haven't you thought about your _safety?"_ Alec insisted, frowning, as he squeezed his boyfriend's hands even harder. "It's not like you're being given insurance or a health plan, are you? I'm sure you can find better!"

"Well, I'm not so sure" Magnus clapped back, suddenly letting go of his hands. "Alexander, you _know_ I've been searching for a job for _months_ now! Even before I started living with Dot! You know I don't wanna feel like I'm taking advantage of her. She's a great friend, but I _know_ it's expensive for her to keep that place on her own, especially when she has one more person to feed and to use her water and her electric power! It's not fair for me to stay there without _at least_ helping with the rent. And finding a job when you're unexperienced is hard enough, but finding a job when you're unexperienced _and_ a man of color with painted nails? You know that doesn't happen every day". 

"I know, _I know"_ He said, closing his eyes and scratching his own forehead, stressed. "But is it worth being somewhere _dangerous?_ Why can't you wait just a little longer? I'm sure Dot would understand! Perhaps I can even give you some of my allowance until you find something better, you know I don't mind. I will be very _worried_ about you, don't you care?"

Magnus gasped, as if he couldn't believe what Alec had just said.

"So now you're making this about _you?_ Well, it's _not._ I know it may be hard for you to understand, since you never _had_ to work, but it's not a _choice_ for me. I don't have the luxury of _waiting,_ and no, you can't just give me your money and fix my problems like that. This may not be something _you_ have to deal with, but for me, providing for myself and not depending on other people _is_ a big deal."

Alec gasped as well, and then licked his lips, deeply annoyed. How could he be _serious?_

_"I_ never had to deal with dependency issues, Magnus? _Me?_ Are you sure that's true?" He said, crossing his arms.

But the other boy didn't answer him; instead, he simply moved away from Alec, sitting on the other side of the bed.

Alec clenched his teeth. He was feeling so _upset._ He understood Magnus' urges to make his own money, but why couldn't he be just a little more thoughtful? There was _a lot_ of things to consider when getting a job, it wasn't as simple as taking what you get. 

But then he listened to his lover's upset, hard breathing from across the bed. _Damn,_ he couldn't really be mad at Magnus. It wasn't fair of him to act so insensitively; he had to understand the position that the boy was in. He suddenly blushed, feeling a little embarrassed. 

"Magnus, I'm sorry" He said. "You're right, I've never quite been in your position. I don't know what it's like. It was unfair of me to just push you like that, and to make it about me. I can't just expect you to not take this opportunity. That's your choice to make, and I understand why you made it". 

He pouted a little bit, almost like a child who had just been given a scold. 

"Please forgive me?" He insisted, carefully touching his boyfriend's hand with his pinky. 

Magnus sighed.

"Of course I do" He whispered.

Alec then hugged him from behind, laying his hands on the boy's belly and his chin on his shoulder.

"I just worry about you. That's it. I just wish you didn't have to risk yourself. I need you to be okay".

He was relieved when he felt Magnus caressing his wrist. 

"I know. And I appreciate that. I'm sorry, too. Maybe I was a little too harsh on you. I shouldn't have talked as if you didn't understand what it's like to crave independence. I know that's a huge issue in your life."

Alec gently kissed his boyfriend's neck.

"It's okay" He said. "You were angry. I understand. I kinda acted like a selfish asshole. And I'm glad you called me out on it. Please always do, okay? Because that's not the kind of boyfriend I wanna be. Please don't ever hesitate at being honest with me whenever I upset you, alright? Can you promise me that?"

"I promise. Yes, honesty always". 

There was a moment of silence.

"And I do care about you worrying" Magnus added. "That's why I wanted to tell you that you don't have to worry too much. They have a lot of security there now, you know, and I'm not even working on weekends, when it's usually the most crowded... And it's temporary, anyway. I'll keep on sending resumes and trying to find something better". 

Alec pursed his lips, hesitating a little bit before saying:

"Maybe I can help you find something better. I mean, I know you don't wanna depend on me financially, that's understood. But maybe I can... I don't know, give your resume to some places and some of my family's acquaintances? We have a lot of contacts, you know. Are you okay with that?" 

A couple of seconds passed by before Magnus said:

"Yeah. Sure. It's always good having contacts". 

He smiled, and moved away a little bit of hair that was always glued to his boyfriend's forehead in order to kiss him there. That boy meant _so much_ to Alec. He just wanted him to always be safe and sound. 

"In the meantime... Please be very careful, yeah? I know you can look out for yourself, you have survived school through all of these years. Do you still have that pepper spray I gave you?"

Magnus chuckled, but then suddenly they were pulled out from their daydream, as there was a knock on the door. 

"Magnus! Why is this shit locked? I know you're in there, the neighbor saw you entering with some other faggot! Open the fuck up!"

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._ Alec began to panic, his heart pounding, his lungs barely able to breathe. He knew they should've left as soon as they could. Was that really happening? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm gonna give the gays everything they want" - me writing these last two chapters, tbh
> 
> anyways, welcome to malec's journey as a loving couple™! it's going to be a wild ride, but it will all be worth it, that I can assure!
> 
> thanks for all the reviews on last chapter, I was very happy to know that you guys appreciated the way I built their special moment <3 and don't forget to leave reviews on this one!  
> reviews are my applause and I appreciate every word :) leave questions, comments, whatever! They really do encourage me to write faster.
> 
> p.s.: shoutout to my dear friend Marina for always helping me with english and writing stuff when my dumb bitch brain stops working and I have a hard time with a particular scene or vocabulary
> 
> p.s. 2: in case you guys wanna follow me on tumblr, it's bolshebitch.tumblr.com - there's a lot of art and gay stuff there too!  
> let's be friends and perhaps bond over malec and other cool things :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION, please!! TRIGGER WARNING! This chapter has a very heavy scene that touches on a heavy subject and may be disturbing for some! It is the scene that's all written in italics - I did that so it'd be easier for you guys to identify. I won't spoil anything here, but if you think you may be triggered or disturbed, please scroll down to the notes at the end of the chapter where I explain what this is about. Otherwise, have a good reading :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Your lips, my lips  
> Apocalypse
> 
> Your lips, my lips  
> Apocalypse
> 
> Go and sneak us through the rivers, flood is rising up on your knees  
> oh, please
> 
> Come out and haunt me  
> I know you want me  
> Come out and haunt me
> 
> (...)
> 
> Oh  
> When you’re all alone  
> I will reach for you  
> When you’re feeling low  
> I will be there too'

**Tuesday, 6 PM**

  Magnus exhaled slowly through his mouth, trying not to panic, even though his hands were starting to shake. His heart was pounding, despair filling his veins. That _had_ to be a nightmare. _Fuck._  

  But it wasn't, and he had to stay calm in order to keep things under control - in order to keep himself and Alec safe. 

   _"Shit",_ his boyfriend whispered at him. "What are we gonna do?" 

   _"OPEN UP, YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT!"_ His grandfather kept on yelling while punching the door. 

   Magnus took a deep breath again.

  "You hide behind my dressing table and be quiet. Okay? Just stay there and do not make a sound" He whispered at Alec, grabbing the tall boy by his hands and getting up from the bed in order to guide him there.

  "Magnus, _no!"_ The other one protested. "I won't let you face him on your own!"

  "I can't let you be at danger, Alexander! He would punch you in the face! I can handle him, don't worry. I got this. Now crouch down and get behind that dressing table, _please!"_

  Alec looked at him, still hesitating, and bit his lip. Then he nodded, and Magnus helped him crawl behind the white wooden table; there wasn't a lot of space for his tall body there, but it was enough to keep him hidden - or so Magnus hoped. 

  He walked towards the door, hating himsef for putting Alec in that situation. Before opening it to face his grandfather, he grabbed an umbrella from under his bed - just in case. 

  "I will not hesitate to defend myself with this umbrella!" He firmly warned as he unlocked the door, wielding the object in front of him as if it were a sword, the old man's furious eyes hitting him with intensity. 

  He stared at Magnus in silence for a few seconds, his mouth half open; his eyes looked somewhat floppy, but they were quickly wide open once he realized that his grandson was threatening him. He started breathing slowly, his face red with anger, yet a noticeable bit of fear.

  "How _dare_ you show your painted face here after disappearing on me as if you owed me _nothing?_ How can you be such an inconsiderate failure? _Where is he?"_

  "There's no one here, you stupid codger! Maybe it's time for you to finally apply for that nursing home". Magnus tried to act strong, but he was sweating. The way the old Bane looked at him, the boy was sure that he would have slapped him right there if it wasn't for that sharp umbrella; it wasn't the most threatening object in the world, but definitely enough to knock down a man his age. 

  He approached Magnus in slow steps, entering the room as the boy walked backwards in order to keep a distance between them. He ended up falling to his bed as his grandfather proceeded to kneel on the floor to look under it. Magnus still held the umbrella firmly in his hands, mentally praying that the man didn't look behind the dressing table. 

  Luckily, after taking a look inside Magnus' wardrobe, he seemed to give up, walking to the door again. The boy almost exhaled in relief, but he held himsef back in order not to raise suspicions.

  "Do you think this is some kind of vacation camp where you can come and go according to your own will? If you decided to leave under a bridge, you _stay there_ and don't come back!"

  "Don't worry, I just came to pick up some stuff that I had left behind" He spat. "We weren't supposed to cross paths. Do you not fucking work anymore?"

  He got up and carefully approached the old man again, inhaling his smell with disgust in his face. He smelled like beer - strongly.

  "God, you're drunk out of your mind. Go take a shower."

  Magnus touched his grandfather's chest with his both hands, pushing him forward. He grabbed the man by his right arm and slowly dragged him outside the room - he was now so dizzy that he didn't even resist. 

  He took him to the bathroom, where he opened the shower stall and slid the old man in. He started grunting as Magnus opened the shower, letting the cold water hit him in the face.

  "Take that drunkness out of you, bitch".

  Magnus let him laying there and left in rushed steps, going back to his room. 

  "Let's go" He said, and Alec slowly crawled out from behind the dressing table. "He's passed out drunk on the shower, but we have to hurry. We can go to some store nearby and have Isabelle pick you up there". 

  "Why can't we just go back to Dot's place?" The other boy inquired as they left in a hurry, Magnus grabbing his boyfriend by his arm, his backpack on his shoulders. 

  "I need some time alone to cope with this. It was... _Something._ It was scary. I'm sorry" He said, almost tripping down the stairs.

  "No need to be sorry." Alec tried to touch his cheeks in affection, but they were walking too fast for that. "Are you sure being alone is a good idea? We can have some ice cream under blankets or something".

  "No, I... I really need to be on my own" He insisted, licking his lips as they left through the glass door and got to the streets. "Maybe tomorrow."

  They stopped walking for a while as soon as they got to the corner of the street, and just stared at each other for a moment. Inside of Alec's eyes, Magnus could see the same anguish that was eating him, and that _killed_ him. 

  "We're never coming back here. We're not even passing by this street again. _Ever."_ His boyfriend said, pulling him close for a tight hug. Magnus hugged back as strong as he could, trying to get some comfort with his head buried in Alec's chest. 

  "I know" He said, slowly undoing the embrace, still nervous and afraid. "It was stupid, and I'm sorry that I put you at risk". 

  "It's okay. I was scared, but it would have been even scarier if you had come alone. I'm sorry for everything. It's really fucked up, and you don't deserve it. I swear that I would like nothing more than to _punch_ that bastard in the face so he would never even think of touching you again..." 

  "I appreciate the sentiment." Magnus tried to chuckle, even though all he wanted to do was cry. "I'm thankful for having you." 

  "You're _so brave_ and so strong, Magnus. Never forget that".

  He nodded, grateful for his lover's words, and took a deep breath. He then touched Alec by the arm and they started walking again, until they got to a grocery store a few blocks away. They entered, and Alec called Isabelle, who got there to pick him up in a few minutes. Magnus said goodbye to his boyfriend with another tight hug, sensing an overwhelming wave of darkness nearby as the tall boy entered the car to go away. Only then did he allow the bitter tears to fall, his spirit slowly drowning in the anger and frustration - feeling stupid, lost, _devastated._

    
                      *** 

 

**8 PM**

_Magnus pursed his lips and took a deep sigh, sobbing as he left the razor blade touch his wrist, slowly drawing a red line on his skin. As the blood emerged, starting to flood through his wrist until little drops fell to the sink, he clenched his teeth, the self-loathing burning him from the inside._

_He hated himself for putting Alec in danger. He hated himself for being a terrible boyfriend. He hated himself because he wasn't able to stay away from Alec, despite knowing that him being around the boy put him at risk. His life was a mess, and Alec was too precious to be dragged into that mess, but he just couldn't be away from him - he was selfish, and he hated himself for it._

_Alec had a promising future ahead; Magnus, on the other hand, was completely lost. He was a weight too heavy to carry, and he knew that sooner or later Alec would realize that too. And that scared him **so much.**_

_He couldn't have nice things such as his beautiful, amazing boyfriend - there was no space for that in his dark life. He was only tricking himself into thinking that he could, and he **hated himself for that.** _

_He let the cold metal of the blaze draw another cut, right below the first one. He deserved that. All that anger and frustration that he was feeling - there was no one responsible for it except himself. He deserved to be hurt, he deserved that pain._

_What Magnus really wanted at that particular moment was to die; but death was too brutal. Cutting himself was the closet thing that he could bring himself to do._

_He looked at his wet face in the mirror as the blood continued to be shed. A trainwreck. He picked up a piece of toilet paper and pressed it against the wounds, the burning feeling causing him to hiss in pain; but at least the physical pain would hopefully distract him from the emotional one. Because no matter how bad he hurt himself, it would never be as painful as thinking about the situation he had just put Alec through._

 

                        ***

 

 **Wednesday, 9:30 PM**

"Here you go, ladies! Enjoy" Magnus smiled as he poured a drink for a couple of girls from across the counter, amidst the loud music and the flashing lights. It had been a good night so far; nice costumers and no incidents or anything of the sort, and he prepared all the drinks that got ordered with extreme ease. He originally wasn't going to start his job at the club until Monday, but after what had happened the day before, he was really desperate for some distraction and sense of independence - the closer he got to his freedom, the closest he got to getting away from his grandfather and all of that nightmare. 

  He was just cleaning some cups, feeling a little bit relaxed even, when a group of boys showed up at the bar. Looking at them, Magnus suddenly felt kinda nervous; they all walked around with cockiness and had malicious looks on their faces, as if they were the type of people who got out of their homes with the specific intent to cause trouble. 

  "'Ay, dude, can you pours us one shot of vodka for each one of us?" One of them said; the guy was pale, bald, tall and wore a lot of chains around his neck. 

  "Sure. But first, may you gentlemen please show me your ID's?" He said, cordially. 

  The boy didn't seem pleased by his answer. He frowned, crossing his arms while his mates chuckled at him.

  "No" He told Magnus, with a teasing smirk on his face. "C'mon, pour us some drinks. You don't need to see no ID's. We're all of age".

  "I'm sure you are" Magnus chuckled, still smiling devilishly at them. "But those are the rules of the club. No ID, no alcohol. Perhaps some smoothies?" 

  When the boy pushed him by the collar of his shirt, Magnus' heart suddenly skipped a beat, his lungs having trouble breathing. 

   _"Will you pour me and my buddies some fucking drinks or not, you stupid sissy boy?"_ He whispered at Magnus, his teeth clenched and his face red. 

  Magnus gasped, not knowing what to do and feeling genuinely scared. Still, he wouldn't just bend over to that asshole; so he simply said:

  "No. No, I won't, _sir"._

  The punch hit him in the face as quick as the lights flashing on the dance floor. In a split second, the pain filled his left eye as he fell to the ground, stumbling against a wooden chair. His head against the floor, the first thing he heard after falling was Alec's voice inside his mind, as people next to the bar started moving around, scared and unsettled, and security was called:

   _"Don't you know that place is known for being not very safe?"_

 

                         *** 

 

**Thursday, 10 AM**

  Magnus paused the American Horror Story episode he was watching and got up from the couch to pick up the intercom, which was ringing. 

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, it's me" Alec's sweet voice said on the other side. "Open up". 

  Magnus frowned, confused.

  "Aren't you supposed to be at school?" He asked.

  "Well, so are you, but something happened, didn't it?" The boy said. "And I need to check on my boyfriend. Can I come in?" 

  Magnus smiled to himself, unable to contain his satisfaction upon hearing that. 

  He pressed the button to open the gate, and in a few seconds, Alec was knocking on his door.

  As soon as he opened it, he was firmly wrapped by the boy's long arms in a warm embrace. He hugged him back, gently caressing his back. 

  "How are you feeling? Are you okay? I was _so scared!_ I wanted to come as soon as you called me last night, but I couldn't, I'm sorry--" 

  "Don't worry, I know you'd never be allowed to leave your house late in the night." Magnus grinned at him after the hug, tapping his boyfriend on the chest. "I'm fine, just a black eye. I was more scared than hurt. I only skipped school because it would take a lot of work and makeup to make my face look fabulous again. It's hurting a little, but Dot took good care of me". 

  "God bless her" Alec whispered, holding Magnus by the chin and proceeding to kiss him softly on the lips. "I can't believe this happened! What if he had done something worse? What if you had hit your head against a bottle or something? I can't bare having something bad happen to you!" 

  "I know, I know" The boy sighed as they sat together on the sofa bed. "You were right. It wasn't safe to accept the offer. No need to remind me". 

  "Oh no, babe, I'm not here to give you some 'I warned you' speech" He shook his head, affectionately caressing Magnus' cheek. "I'm just glad nothing worse happened, and that you're safe now. But please, don't go there again, okay? You won't, right?" 

  "Yeah, I'm going to quit. Not a good first job experience". 

  "I'm so sorry. But your safety comes first. You'll find something better" The tall boy embraced Magnus by the back, their legs intertwined as they laid down on the sofa, and kissed his cheek. "Won't you press charges or something? When you told me what happened, I just got so fucking _angry_ at that son of a bitch, I could feel my blood boiling..."

  "I'd rather just move on" Magnus said. "I don't wanna stir the pot. Who knows how angry the little boy could be if he had to go to court". 

  "Yeah, I get what you mean. Well, it's your decision" Alec told him while gently running his index fingers through the boy's arm. "Like I said, you're okay now and that's all that matters. But please don't ever scare me like that again". 

  Magnus pursed his lips, feeling a little guilty. 

  "I'll do my best" He promised. He then grunted - the pain in his left eye was back again, sharp and intense. "Fucking hell, this hurts so much". 

  Alec looked at him with mercy, twisting his mouth. 

  "Is there anything I can do to help?" He asked.

  Magnus bit his lip, hesitating.

  "I don't wanna take advantage of you" He said. "There's this ice pack on the freezer that Dot made for me last night, but I can go pick it up..."

  "Oh, it's okay" Alec chuckled. "I would love to spoil my boyfriend a little bit. Let me take care of this". 

  Magnus smiled, blushing.

  "Are you sure? Will you be able to get there?"

  "Yeah, I've been to this apartment thousands of times now, I know where the fridge is" His boyfriend said. He then got up and took a few steps towards the kitchen area of the room, which was really just a small fridge, a cupboard and a table, all separated from the "living room" by only a counter. The tall boy groped around a little bit, holding his walking stick, until he finally put his hand on the fridge's door. Magnus smiled, feeling somewhat proud of his boyfriend's cleverness at deciphering the environment around him.

  "On the freezer, right?" He asked Magnus, groping until his left hand found the ice pack inside the box at the upper part of the fridge. He then closed it and came back to the couch, sitting right beside Magnus again. 

  "Come closer" He asked. Magnus shivered a little bit upon the touch of the ice pack on his skin, but it was relieving for the pain, so he let out a sigh of satisfaction. "Is it working?"

  "Oh, yes" He told Alec, who wrapped his arms around the boy's waist while pressing the pack against his left eye. "Thank you". 

  "Hey, no worries. I always loved playing doctor" The other boy teased with a smirk. Magnus felt a nice tingle running through his body, but he also felt kinda bad - he felt as if he was a shitty boyfriend for scaring Alec twice on the same week and them being _pleased_ by how worried the boy acted towards him. 

  "I'm sorry." He said, with dismay. "For scaring you and for making you worry about me so damn much. I know it must suck, having a boyfriend with such a messy life. I'm always getting in trouble, and... I feel bad for putting you through this."

  His lover frowned, gasping at him.

   _"What on Earth_ are you saying, Magnus? You don't have to apologize for anything! It's not your fault!" He pressed Magnus' arms firmly with his free hand, as if to emphasize his words. _"Of course_ I worry about you, you're _important_ to me! I wouldn't trade you for _anyone_ in the world. You're the best person I could've asked for, there is absolutely nothing about being with you that _sucks._ Don't ever say that".

  He pursed his lips, thoughtful. He knew that he could believe in Alec's words, he knew the boy's feelings were genuine, but he couldn't help but feel _wrong._

  "You mean everything to me, too" He said, sighing. "It's just that... I don't know. I don't wanna be a burden. I hate giving you a hard time, and when it comes to me, there are so many hardships everywhere, you know? And it also makes me scared that, one day, you'll realize that I'm too much of a headache and just walk away. Not that I would blame you..."

  Alec's eyes seemed to be watering as he let go of the ice pack and pulled Magnus closer by his chin.

  "Listen to me..." He whispered. "You're _not_ a headache, or a burden, and you'll never be. You are the best part of every single one of my days. Please believe me when I say that. I understand how you feel. I feel like that all the time, too. Like I demand too much work and that I'm more trouble than it's worth. But, you know... Someone wise once told me that it's not a sacrifice when you do things for the ones you care about. You just do it gladly. He also told me that the lives of the people who care about you wouldn't be any easier at all without you; in fact, they would be harder. And I think those words make sense. Don't you?"

  Magnus blushed, his heart suddenly feeling a little more warm. Alec was so loving and gentle when he talked - he couldn't be lying. It was hard for him to not think of himself as a magnet for bad things, but at that moment, he couldn't help but question everything he had previously thought about their relationship. Maybe, just maybe, he _could_ actually have some nice things in life. Could it be true? Could it be that he wasn't a terrible boyfriend, and that Alec was strong enough to carry his weight? He didn't know. But Alec's eyes, despite unable to see a thing, were so very _gentle_ and just as welcoming as the arms of a mother. They did make Magnus feel a little safe from his own dark mind. _"Maybe I can give this bright possibility a chance",_ he thought. Just a shot wouldn't hurt, right?

  "I guess" He chuckled. "Yeah, whoever told you that, he seems clever". 

  "Oh, he is _so clever_." Alec was now softly massaging Magnus's legs, which were crossed on on top of his boyfriend's lap. "And beautiful too, you know. And he has the most fascinating mind and soul I've ever encountered. And you know what? Everyday we spend together, I become more amazed at how lucky I am to have him, and even more certain that he's one to keep, no matter what. And that's why I'm more than determined to stick around through all the hard times. I wouldn't leave just because things aren't easy. He's so, _so_ worth it." 

  Magnus laid back on the sofa and pulled the tall boy close to him, and when their foreheads touched, it was as if a magnet was forcing their lips together. He smiled, letting Alec's sweet mouth numb his senses.

   _"Still"_ Alec said once they stopped kissing. "If he could do his best to keep himself safe so I don't have to worry too much, I would really appreciate it".

  They chuckled into each other's noses.

  "How could I deny you anything?" Magnus agreed, caressing the entirety of Alexander's beautiful face, from his forehead to his mouth. 

  He then moaned again. The pain was back.

  "Still hurting?" Alec asked, worried. 

  "Yeah. I think it's gonna take some time to heal. But the ice did help a little, thank you".

  His boyfriend sucked his teeth, unsettled.

  "Isn't there anything else we can do to ease it? Perhaps some medicine?" 

  Magnus raised his eyebrows.

  "Actually, yeah, I think some painkillers would help. But Dot's out of it, I already checked".

  "We could order some" Alec suggested. "Do you have the number of any nearby drugstore?"

  "Yeah, I do" He bit his lip. "Can you grab my cellphone for me, please? It's right at the center table". 

  His boyfriend laughed, lifting his body up and stretching his arms to grope in search for the cellphone.

  "You really _do_ like being taken care of like a baby, don't you?" He smirked, and Magnus couldn't help but chuckle. "You're not even trying to hide it anymore! Spoiled little fucker".

  "I just want my boyfriend to take care of me! Is that so wrong?" The boy admitted, blushing.

  "Not at all" Alec said, with a peck on his lips. "I love it. You know what? Why don't you let me spoil you even more? I'm gonna call the drugstore for you, just give me their number". 

  Magnus smiled, feeling immensely grateful. Alec didn't only call the drugstore and order the painkiller for him - plus an ointment; he also insisted on paying for it. Magnus tried to argue a little bit, but on that day, he really _was_ in the mood for being spoiled, so he figured he'd let it slide just once. The order arrived in a few minutes, and Magnus readily swallowed one pill and let his boyfriend spread the ointment on his bruised eye. As he felt Alec's long finger brushing against his eyelid, he closed his eyes and wished that everything would stay fine.

 

                          ***

 

 **Tuesday, 5 PM**

"Are you ready?" Alec said as he entered the apartment and kissed his boyfriend on the forehead. 

Magnus smiled.

"Yeah. Let's do this". 

And so they sat on the sofa, cellphones in hand, and began their task to find Magnus a new job. He had already quit the Pandemonium one, so the two of them agreed to spend their few hours together after school on that Tuesday calling places, dropping resumes and filling up applications - Alec seemed _really_ determined to help Magnus, and he appreciated that very much. As he used his phone to google for nearby places where he could possibly work, the tall boy called them to ask if they were hiring - he was really insistent in doing that.

"Here you go" Magnus said, handing him his phone after pressing "call". "Let's start with the Taco Bell at Pennsylvania Ave." 

Alec put the cellphone against his ears and waited, smiling with excitement.

"Hi, Taco Bell? Yes, are you hiring today?" 

After doing quite a few calls to quite a few places, they took the subway together and went out to fill up the applications, Magnus making sure to put on his best makeup to conceal his still healing black eye. They went to restaurants, stores, bars and even a couple of libraries - Magnus guiding Alec by his arm the whole time, as Alec offered him support and encouragement. It was a tiring late afternoon, but it felt satisfying at the end, knowing that he was chasing after his goals with his unbelievably helpful, supportive boyfriend by his side. Alec truly was a rare piece. 

"Well, it's almost 7 already" Magnus noted, taking a look at his phone as they walked together through the mall, having just stopped by Pizza Hut to fill an application "I think that's enough for today. We should probably go home now". 

As he finished saying that, he was startled by the sudden sound of a small child crying at the top of his lungs, his mother nervously dragging the little boy through the mall while people stared at them.

"What's this about?" Alec asked, curious.

"Some little boy is very frustrated that he can't get a teddy bear from the claw crane machine" Magnus explained, chuckling. "Poor thing. I relate to the trauma".

"There's a claw crane?" Alec exclaimed, raising both of his eyebrows with excitement. "Take me there, I wanna play!" 

Magnus stopped their walking and frowned. 

"Are you serious?" He laughed softly. 

"Yeah!" The other boy had the most adorable smile on his face. "I've always wanted to get a toy on one of those things. It must feel _fulfilling._ You can help me! Just guide my hand on the joystick". 

"Are you sure that's a good idea? People could be, you know... _Suspicious."_ Magnus pointed out, nervous.

Alec opened his mouth, hesitating.

"You think so? I mean... I have round sunglasses on and I'm holding a walking stick. I'm pretty sure they would only see a boy helping out his blind friend".

Magnus pondered for a while, but there was no point in pondering; he would always end up doing whatever made Alec smile. 

"Okay, sure" He said "Let's go".

He guided the boy to where the toy crane was. Alec grabbed his wallet from his pocket, and picking up a one dollar note, he asked:

"Will that be enough?"

"Yeah. Here, let me put it in for you" Magnus said, taking the note and introducing it on the square machine filled with small stuffed animals of all kinds and colors. The lights around the glass started flashing, and a childish tune started playing. 

"Okay. Once I press the button, you'll have 20 seconds to grab one of the stuffed cuties inside. Just put your hand on the joystick and I will help you guide the claw, okay?"

"Alright" Alec took a deep sigh, very serious, as if he was preparing to do something really important. Magnus guided him until the boy was standing right in front of the glass, his right hand on the joystick. "I'm ready". 

Magnus pressed the button, and the countdown started on the timer display. Standing behind his boyfriend and putting his hand on top of his, the boy focused and pushed the joystick forward, towards a cute little stuffed kitten that grabbed his attention. He then clicked it firmly and let it slide down. Just when he guided the claw backwards, making sure it was right above the hatch, the time was up - the claw released the stuffed kitty and dispended into the hatch. With a grunt of victory, Magnus readily stuck his hand through the opening and picked it up. 

_"Yes! We did it!"_ He shouted, giving the small purple kitten to the other boy. "There you go. So, feel accomplished?"

_"A lot!"_ The boy said, chuckling with that beautiful bright smile on his face as he wrapped the stuffed kitten in his arms. "You're the best! I love it. Is it cute?"

_"Deadly_ cute! So what are you gonna call it?" 

Alec frowned, thoughtful, groping it and pondering. 

"I think she's called Madzie" He concluded. "Yeah, Madzie". 

Magnus smiled, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, so it's a she? Okay. Madzie. It's a cool name. Congrats".

They laughed as they held their arms together again to leave. 

"My birthday is coming, you know" Magnus noted. "Maybe you can use your new found ability to get me one of these, too". 

"Pfft... Yeah, right. As if I wasn't already saving to give you something super fucking amazing". 

The boy couldn't help but gasp and blush upon hearing that.

"Alexander, you know you don't have to-"

"You can't stop me!" Alec cut him off. "I'm gonna give you the best birthday slash Christmas gift ever, and that's that on that".

Magnus chuckled, squeezing his boyfriend's arm a little harder as a sign of affection. Looking at Alec's face, he knew the boy also wanted to kiss him, but they would have to wait a little. 

Looking around them, Magnus began to feel nervous. Some people were staring. From inside the stores and passing by, they turned their heads to look at them with curiosity, as if they were two really rare animals that had escaped from the zoo. He bit his lip, trying to contain his heavy, worried breathing so that Alec wouldn't be concerned. _Fuck,_ he knew it would be risky to do what they had just done in public.

"What's wrong?" The tall boy whispered at him "Your breathing is different". 

"Oh, nothing. I'm just tired". 

Alec pouted at him as they got to the escalators to leave the mall.

"You know you can't conceal anything from me". 

Magnus sighed, considering whether or not he should tell Alec. The boy had the right to know, but on the other hand, he didn't wanna give him yet one more thing to worry about.

"It's just that my eye it's still hurting a little. Don't worry, I'll get home and put some more ointment on it". 

As they left the plaza, the boy felt really nervous, his stomach twisting. At so many moments of the day, he was able to forget about his anxieties, but then one thing triggered him and suddenly it was all back, stronger than ever. 

The punch in the eye definitely wasn't _shit_ compared to those punches on his insides. 

 

***

 **Thursday, 4:45 PM**

"I've got some great news!" Alec announced in a very joyful tone as soon as Magnus opened the door for him, entering the apartment as fast as a bullet. 

"They must be really great, since you haven't even properly greeted me! My lips are upset". He joked at the boy.

"Sorry, babe" Alec chuckled, quickly approaching him to place a peck on his mouth. "But you're just going to be so happy! I got you a new job!" 

Magnus raised his eyebrows, shocked. 

"Whoa! What are you saying? _This fast?"_

_"Yeah,_ this fast!" Alec's smile was bigger than his face. "Remember that I told you I would talk to some people and use some of our contacts to help you? Well, turns out I've been doing just that since we went on our little search on Tuesday. There's a nice little job open for you as a cashier at Lydia's dad's drugstore! You just have to go there and talk to him". 

Magnus twisted his lips.

"Oh" He said. "Lydia's dad? I didn't know he owned a drugstore. And he really said he's willing to hire me?"

"Yes, the job is yours!" Alec held his hands with excitement. "You know Lydia likes me a lot. We had a little disagreement a while ago, but I talked to her and she was more than eager to do me a favor. And her dad's a nice man, I told him you're a very friendly, sociable person and he said he'll give you a chance! You just have to go there as soon as you can to sort it out. The salary isn't _stellar,_ but it's like, pretty good. And most importantly, it's _safer_ than your last job. Isn't that awesome?" 

He wrapped his long arms around Magnus, who hugged him back, feeling genuinely happy.

"It really is, Alexander! Oh my God! I can't wait to start! You have the address to the place, right? I'll go meet him as soon as I can!" 

Alec kissed him again, this time a bunch of small pecks on the lips, holding the boy by his cheeks and walking him towards the couch at the same time. 

"So... Lydia, huh?" Magnus coughed as they laid down on the sofa. "It seems she really likes you. I bet she was _thrilled_ to be doing you a favor, wasn't she?" 

His boyfriend raised a single eyebrow at him.

"You're not _jealous,_ are you?" He chuckled. "Magnus, you know I'm gay as hell! And I would never wanna be with anyone else, anyway. Not when I have the best of the best by my side".

Magnus sighed, a little embarrassed. Alec kindly caressed his ear with his thumb, and he blushed.

"I know. But _she_ doesn't know that. I know it's a little childish, but... The thought of her believing that she's on her way to get her hands on you annoys me a little bit. There, I said it".

He was ashamed, but he had to be honest. Alec got closer to him until their legs touched and their faces were inches apart, gently running his finger through Magnus lower lip.

"It annoys me, too" He was smirking. "But don't worry. I've already made it clear for her that I don't feel the same way. I don't let her raise her hopes anymore. I'm more assertive now. You thaught me how to be".

And then they were passionately french kissing, and the whole rest of the world disappeared. 

"I'm all yours, babe" _Oh, the chills_ that send through Magnus' spine. "You can trust that".

"I know" Magnus whispered. "I wasn't jealous, anyway. Just annoyed". 

"Yes, you were!" The other boy protested, tickling him under his arms. "You _were_ jealous, Mr. Tough Cookie, admit it!" 

The joyful laughs of both of them filled the room, so loud that the neighbors could probably hear it.

"One second" Alec said when his phone started vibrating inside his pocket. He got away from Magnus a little and sat to pick it up.

"Hello?" 

Magnus' heart suddenly skipped a beat when he approached his boyfriend and realized that his smiled had vanished, replaced by a very serious and concerned expression. 

"Okay. Okay, mom, calm down, I'll be right there! I'll be right there, okay? Just wait for me!"

"What happened?" He asked Alec, worried, touching his arm as he hang up. 

The boy took a deep breath, and his eyes were now being filled with tears.

"It's Isabelle. She's at the hospital. She just had a cocaine overdose".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you scrolled down here for the trigger warning, here it is: this chapter has an explicit, somewhat detailed scene of self-harming. If you're sensitive to this theme, please proceed carefully - as I said before this particular fragment of the chapter is all in italics. Now, if you've already read the chapter, here comes my actual afterwards notes: 
> 
> **********
> 
> So I really hope to have done a decent job at portraying this issue. I live with depression myself and have had my own struggle with self-harming a couple years ago, so it's really important to me to touch on the subject with the proper care and hopefully maybe even help raise some awareness - the same hopes I have when it comes to portraying Alec's disability. Anyways, things are kinda dark now but as we know, Malec love conquers all :)  
> I hope you guys are still enjoying this story, thank you for the feedback and have a great week. 
> 
> P.S.: the Jasmine Masters get a job challenge video is truly an inspiration, and kudos to you if you've managed to catch on the reference to the legend on this chapter lol. if you don't know her, please do yourself a favor and go to her YouTube channel.
> 
> P.S. 2: I like to think of the toy crane scene as my own version of that scene in 3.02 when the two of them divert the ley lines together at the institute lmao. just thought I'd let y'all know.
> 
> P.S. 3: shoutout to Laura, my soul sister, who has been incredibly supportive of me through the process of writing this fic, always talks to me about it when I need to and even helped me spread it <3
> 
> P.S. 4: So I've been noticing a giant decay on the feedback for this story on the last few chapters. Do you guys still like it? I would really like to know. I always appreciate and welcome constructive criticism, so idk, feel free to tell me if you're disappointed or think it's not as good anymore or something. Perhaps most people just moved on after they finally got together? i was just wondering because I still have about 7 chapters left in store for their journey, and I will be posting them regardless because I have read lots of unappreciated stories myself and I'd like to keep on putting it out there for anyone, even if it's just one or two people. With that being said, it does make me a little less motivated to update as frequently, so, yeah, if you happen to be a ghost reader or something and you enjoy this story please consider leaving a review to let me know, it's free and it would really mean a lot to me right now to know that you've been here and you've enjoyed what you read and would like to read more. The last chapters of the story are definitely going to be the hardest ones to write and it's really easy to get the writer's block right now, so some encouragement would be really helpful - and it's literally the only thing I get from writing this. Anyways, see you guys next chapter.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you all to myself  
> Don't leave none for nobody else  
> I am an animal with you  
> No angels could beckon me back  
> It's hotter than hell where I'm at  
> I am an animal with you

**Thursday, 5:35 PM**

Alec walked in quick and desperate steps, almost pulling Magnus by his arm, the sound of his shoes echoing through the corridor as affliction took over him. 

"Here they are" The boy whispered to him. They slowed down their steps.

"Mom?" Alec called with a shaky voice, letting go of Magnus' arm to approach the familiar feminine perfume. In less than a second, he felt his mother's arms wrapping themselves around his body. He embraced her back, tightly, listening to her cry on his shoulder. 

"I'm so scared, Alec" She sobbed as she slowly let go of him. 

"H-how is she?" He asked her. 

"Her blood pressure is through the roof" Said the voice of Robert, suddenly close to them. The boy had never heard his father speaking in such a vulnerable manner. "Her heart rate is irregular, too. They're trying to make it stable. She hasn't recovered her consciousness yet, but they said it should be soon". 

_"Thank God",_ Alec whispered, his eyes wet and his chest heavy. "Where's Max?" 

"I left him at home, with Jace" Maryse explained, sniffing. "I think it's best for him to stay there. God knows how long we'll have to be here". 

He nodded, biting his lip, unable to prevent his tears from falling anymore.

"Dot went to pick up Simon" He told them. "They should be here soon". 

"Oh. That's good" His mother said, taking a deep breath. "But I thought you were at Simon's, though...?" 

Alec pursed his lips. Wiping his own tears, he nervously said:

"No, I... I think I got confused. I was at Magnus and Dot's place."

Turning his head to his right, he stretched his arm in order to touch his boyfriend and pull him closer.

"We had theater stuff to rehearse. I called an Uber as soon as he told me what happened, and we came here together" Magnus explained, coughing. "I'm so sorry for what happened, Ms. and Mr. Lightwood. Isabelle has always been a great friend. I truly hope she gets well".

"Thank you, Magnus" Robert said, friendly. Maryse didn't say anything. 

There was an awkward moment of silence. 

"Why don't we take a seat? You guys look like you could use a seat" His boyfriend suddenly suggested, his voice showing concern. Alec could hear his parents sitting down in what was probably a line of waiting room chairs, and then Magnus proceeded to touch him in order to help him get settled too.

"Thank you" He whispered, feeling deeply thankful for the boy. They were all in silence for a few more seconds, just sitting there, each one probably swallowing their own bitter amount of fear. 

Alec felt like shit. _"I am a terrible brother",_ he thought. He _knew_ that it was coming, but he hadn't done anything about it. He thought he should trust Izzy. He thought she was telling him the truth, and that there was no reason to give his parents something to worry about. He should've known better. An addict wouldn't just easily admit to still be struggling. And now he felt so _powerless._ He hadn't done the only thing that he was actually capable of doing, and now he was at risk of losing the person he loved the most in the world. Because of his own negligence. _"Why didn't I just tell mom and dad?"._ If his parents knew, he thought, they would hate him, and rightfully so. He had let his sister manipulate him into doing nothing, and he _knew_ that she'd be prone to lying and manipulating in order to protect her addiction, but _damn,_ he was just so desperate to believe that he could _trust_ her, for once. 

He was pulled away from his thoughts by Maryse, who broke the silence with an awkward cough. 

"I want to go get some water" She said. "Alec, can you come with me to keep me company?"

"Oh, don't worry, I can bring you a cup" Magnus readily offered, but she cut him off:

"It's okay, Magnus, I would like to take a walk. Alec?" 

The tall boy got up, feeling his mother grab him by his arm. 

"We'll be right back" He told his father and his boyfriend before turning to walk away.

After walking a little, Maryse stopped, and so he did as well. 

"You want some?" She asked amidst the sound of a plastic cup being filled with a stream of water. 

"No, thanks" He politely declined, crossing his arms.

After swallowing the water, his mother took a deep breath.

"Alec, can I ask you a question?" 

He frowned, starting to get anxious.

"Uh, yeah" He answered.

"What is he doing here?" She inquired, sounding confused.

Alec couldn't believe it. He opened his mouth, in shock. _Was she serious?_ He closed his eyes and sighed, stressful.

"For real, mom?" He said, angry. 

"I'm sorry, it's just that this is a very _fragile_ moment for us! I'd rather it be just family. And, you know, Simon, because he's her boyfriend". 

"Magnus and Izzy are very good friends" Alec protested. "And he's the one who brought me here. He didn't have to, but when I gave him the news, he was _so concerned_ that he made sure to call me the Uber and follow me all the way here, as well as asking Dot to go pick up Simon so he could be here too. And he's still sitting there right now, refusing to move for as long as we're here, being as helpful as he can, and you know why? Because he not only cares about Isabelle, but he's _always_ moving mountains in order to help me and give me support in any way he can. So you might as well start to think of him as family, because I'm tired of pretending that he doesn't exist just because of your stupid prejudice. He _is_ family to Izzy and I". 

As he finished saying that, he was on the verge of tears again, his voice almost squeaky, breathing fast and heavy. His emotions were already a mess, and the way in which Maryse said that was too much; it triggered so much _anger_ in him; Magnus was being the most precious person in the world at that moment, standing by his side and being his only source of support and strength, and he wouldn't allow _anyone_ to dismiss that and treat him unfairly. 

"Look at what's happening right now" He added, more calmly. "Don't you think there are more urgent things to be bothered about?" 

His mother hesitated for a moment, and then he heard her sighing.

"I guess you're right" She said. "I'm sorry". 

Her voice sounded shaky, and she started sniffing. Alec approached her and reached out until his hand found her shoulder.

"Don't cry" He said, feeling bad for her. "She'll be fine".

Maryse was now sobbing uncontrollably.

"It was _so scary,_ Alec" She stuttered. "She got home from God knows where, and her pupils were _huge._ I asked her what was going on, but she was acting so strange and rude... And then suddenly she started shaking and feeling like she was about to throw up... I tried to take her to the bathroom but she just fell to the floor and started having a seizure right in front of my eyes. It was the most _terrifying_ thing I ever experienced... And for a brief moment I had no idea what was going on, why it was happening. But as soon as her nose started bleeding... I realized what it was. I knew it right away. I didn't even need the toxicological exam to confirm it. I was not surprised at all when the doctors told me. And then when she got here and I touched her skin, it was _burning,_ Alec... I'm so afraid". 

The boy licked his lips, distressed, and wrapped his left arm around her. 

"This is my fault" Maryse said. She didn't sound desperate anymore, but rather cold. "We were so blind, your father and I. How could we let this happen right under our noses? How can we have failed to see that she needed help?" 

The pain was burning in Alec's heart, the guilt closing his throat. 

"It's not your fault" He said, "She hid it pretty well. And you guys are always working so much..."

"We're gonna have to pay more attention to the three of you from now on. I know I'm so _strict_ all the time, and not always actually in touch with your lives and needs... I'll try to be better". 

Alec simply nodded, overwhelmed by the emotions. 

When they walked back to where the others were, he heard two new voices among them; Simon and Dot had arrived.

"Simon" Maryse greeted, still squeaky. "And Dot". 

"Ms. Lightwood" The boy replied, politely, his voice shaky as well, and Dot did the same.

"So has Robert told you about her situation?" The woman asked, coughing and trying to compose herself.

"Yeah, he has" Simon took a deep breath. "She'll be fine, I know she will. Gosh, I feel so guilty for not picking up on it..."

"Oh no, darling, it's not your fault at all". 

As Maryse went on to converse with Simon about Isabelle, Alec groped in search for an empty chair and sat on it. He was immediately able to smell his boyfriend's perfume, as well as Dot's shampoo right next to him.

"Thank you so much, Dot." He whispered at her direction. "Being late at work to get Simon here... You didn't have to. I know my mom may not be the warmest at expressing her gratitude, but we all appreciate the two of you very much for your support. She's just overwhelmed by the whole situation..." 

"I know" The girl cut him off. "Don't worry. I did what I had to do. Izzy has always been nothing but kind to me, and I really do care about her. I just hope she gets well soon". 

Alec pursed his lips and inhaled through his nose, his eyes being filled with tears again. He felt Magnus' hand friendly tapping his leg, and he wished that it could stay there longer. He wished that he could lay his head on his boyfriend's lap for some calming and support, or hold his hand real tight without it having to mean unsettlement for his family. He was _so afraid,_ and his mother's hand squeeze wouldn't do it anymore. He hated hospitals. The smell, the noises - everything was dreadful to him. He still remembered the day when he was six and crying his lungs out inside of a hospital's corridor, with acid burning in his eyes. He remembered the feeling of being completely lost, unable to see anything for the first time, surrounded by the sound of machines and busy doctors. He still had nightmares about that day, and whenever he was in a hospital, the memory filled his mouth with a bitter taste. 

He discreetly got his leg closer to Magnus', letting their knees touch. He needed _some_ amount of touch from him, even if ridiculously small. _"I'm such a coward",_ he thought. 

"Do you think we can go see her?" Maryse suddenly asked - probably to Robert, Alec assumed. "It's been a while". 

"I'm afraid not" His father answered, with dismay. "A nurse was here while you and Alec went for water. He said she's more stable now, and should be awake soon. But unfortunately visiting won't be allowed until 8". 

"8?? But that's gonna take too long!" She exclaimed, and Alec felt the same way. 

"Maybe you can spend the night with her" Robert pondered. "He said she should stay here until at least tomorrow, to do some more exams, you know, take some medicines to make sure she recovers fine".

"Well, _of course_ I'm going to keep my daughter company at night!" Maryse sounded outraged. "But I wanna see her _now!_ I really wanna be there when she wakes up!"

His father exhaled and seemed to be hesitating for a while, pondering about what he should say. 

"Are you sure there's nothing we can do?" Simon inquired, seemingly upset. 

"I can't believe this" Maryse muttered, and Alec could hear the sound of her heels stepping on the floor slowly and repeatedly, as if she was walking in circles. He bit his lip, feeling incredibly frustrated.

"Alec... Do you mind if I excuse myself for a second to go to the restroom?" Magnus suddenly whispered discreetly at him, touching his arm. 

"Not at all" Alec said, trying to grin friendly. "Go. Just... Maybe don't take too long?" 

"I won't" When he got up from the seat beside him, Alec wanted to kiss him more than anything. He needed the boy more than ever. He couldn't do this without him. 

"At least she's stable now" He timidly said, trying to maybe light up the mood a little bit. "She could have... It could have been way worse. It seems that she'll be able to recover. We should be hopeful". 

They were all silent for a brief moment.

"You're right" Maryse said, exhaling slowly. "I'm _so relieved_ that nothing worse has happened. But I'm still worried. What if she has sequels? I really need to see her..." 

As she started to cry again, there was more silence, expect for Robert whispering tranquilizing words to her, and Alec didn't know what else to tell her, and he felt terrible about it, but he just _didn't._

Luckily, it didn't take too long before Magnus was back. When he came walking through the corridor, however, he didn't sit besides Alec again; instead, he announced his presence with a cough, as if he had something to say. 

"I just talked to a friend of mine that works here as a nurse, Catarina Loss" He said. "We went to the same drawing course once, and she's really fond of me. So when I asked her for a favor, she was more than glad to do it. She'll be waiting for you guys at Isabelle's room. You know which one it is, right? She says she can arrange you 15 minutes with her if you go right now, but that's it. And no more than 3 people at the room with her". 

The sigh of joy that left Maryse's lungs was so intense that the whole corridor could hear it. Alec exhaled as well, closing his eyes and filling his heart race. Not even minding everyone around them, he got up from his chair and approached Magnus, guided by his smell. When he felt the boy was close enough, he hugged him tight against his chest, gently caressing his back, tears rolling down his face. 

He loved Magnus _so much._ Like, actual love. That thing he had always heard of but never knew if it was real - he now had no doubt at all that he felt it for Magnus, like an epiphany hitting his brain. He wasn't simply fond, passionate, infatuated, or _in_ love - he _loved_ him. Period. It wasn't a mood, or a _feeling;_ it was a state of being. 

But that was not the day nor the time to tell him. Magnus deserved something special.

"You're the best" He whispered instead. "Thank you for existing".

When he nervously stepped away from his boyfriend, Maryse said:

“Let's go, Alec! Come on!" 

Before turning away, he gave Magnus one last emotional look, his lips pursed, hoping that it'd be able to translate all of the things that he couldn't say or do at the moment - all of the gratitude that he deserved.

He then let himself be dragged by Maryse, hearing his father give Magnus a timid 'Thank you so much' before the three of them were walking together towards Izzy's room. 

As soon as they entered, Alec felt like he could fall to his knees. Isabelle's smell filled his nostrils, which was overwhelming, but it was also mixed with a disturbing smell of _sickness._ He didn't even hesitate before moving forward, following her scent; he could hear an unfamiliar female voice whispering something to his parents, - most likely the Catarina girl Magnus had mentioned, he figured - but all he cared about was his sister. His mother helped him sit down on a chair, and he didn't have to stretch his arms to know that Isabelle was right in front of him. He could _feel_ her laying there. 

There were so many things he wanted to tell her at the moment, but she wouldn't listen, so he didn't say anything. _No one_ said anything, in fact; all three of them just stayed there in silence, sniffing and breathing heavily, each one filled with their own amount of fear and regrets. The tears just wouldn't stop falling, adding a bit of salt to the bitter taste of the guilt. 

"I'm so sorry" Was the only thing that he was able to say, coming out as a desperate whisper towards his sister. 

He stayed like that for a while - he didn't know exactly how long; could've been a minute, or an eternity -, paying close attention to the beeping of the heart monitor, terrified that it would start going crazy at any moment. But it didn't. She would be fine.

He took a deep breath, wiped his tears and got up from the chair. She wasn't awake yet, and he didn't wanna wait for her to be. He was still nervous about having to talk to her and face the reality of his failure. He needed some more time to prepare. 

"I think I wanna go, now" He announced.

"Are you sure?" Asked Robert. "We still have about five minutes".

"Yeah, I'm sure" He insisted "I'll wait till it's 8 now. Hopefully she'll be awake by then". 

"Okay. I'll walk you out, then".

"No, it's okay. I know the way out. I just have to walk to my left and then turn to the corridor to the right, isn't it? I can go by myself".

Robert was quiet for a moment.

"Alright, then. Your mother and I will be right there". 

With his walking stick in hand, Alec groped through the room until he found the door, and then he left. He walked slowly for a few seconds, touching the wall to his right so he'd be able to find the next corridor. Once the wall ended, he turned to his right and walked forward, and in a few seconds he was able to hear Magnus and Dot's voice, talking in whispers.

"How is she?" It was Simon who spoke first, filled with worry. "Is she awake?"

"She's doing better" He answered. "But she's still unconscious. If you don't mind staying, I'm sure you can go visit her at 8. They only allow three people at once, but maybe we can take turns". 

"Uh... Yeah, that would be great, actually" The boy exhaled nervously through his mouth. "Thank you". 

"No worries" Alec said, proceeding to sit down again. "My dad's probably going to pick up some food for us soon, too."

He turned his head to the side, where Magnus was sitting. He smiled, hoping that his boyfriend would see it.

Dot coughed. He raised an eyebrow, and she said:

"Alec, I hope you don't mind, but... I think I'll have to go now. I was able to convince my boss to let me arrive a little late, but I can't really skip it. And I don't want him to be mad at me, you know? I really need this job. I hope Isabelle gets well. Tell Maryse and Robert that I'm truly sorry and that I would stay if I could". 

"Oh, it's perfectly fine" The boy said, getting up to hug her goodbye. "Don't worry. I was just about to say that you should go if you wanted to. Thanks a lot for your kindness, Dot. I'm sure Isabelle will be pleased to know you were here".

The girl tapped his shoulder affectionately.

"Yeah, you tell her that I wish her a smooth recovery and hope that she takes good care of herself, alright? Bye-bye". 

"Bye". 

He stood still for a while, listening to her steps as she walked away. When he sat next to Magnus again, he said:

"You can go, too, if you want. I mean... I would _really like_ it if you stayed. Your presence here means everything to me. But... I'll understand if you're not comfortable. Hospitals suck, and you don't _have_ to be here". 

That was an understatement; Alec felt like he absolutely _needed_ Magnus to be there, but he couldn't force him to. The boy had already done a lot for him. 

His boyfriend didn't answer immediately; instead, he just touched his arm and gently tapped it a few times.

_"Of course_ I have to" He finally said. "Look at you. You're _devastated._ You need all the support that you can get. I would _never_ walk away to leave you like that. Besides, I want to make sure Isabelle's okay, too. She's one of the best people I've ever met, and has always been an amazing friend to me". 

Alec nodded, feeling relief take over his being.

"I can't really deny that" He admitted, as a single tear ran down his eye. "I really _do_ need some support. I... I don't think I would be able to go through this without you". 

_God,_ just listening to the sound of Magnus' breathing meant the world to him at that moment. He was so frustrated; he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to hold his hand, he wanted to let him know how much he loved him. The impossibility was killing him.

"I'm not going anywhere" He whispered at Alec, who smiled softly. 

"Thank you so much" He said, his lower lip shaking as he started to cry again. "I'm so grateful for you. I can't even put it into words. You're an angel. You deserve to be welcomed into our family, and _I'm sorry_ that it's taking so long for that to happen".

Magnus chuckled.

"Don't worry. I don't mind waiting. It's our thing, remember?"

Alec chuckled back, and nodded. Maybe he didn't mind the waiting, but Alec sure did. Magnus deserved so much more. He deserved all the cliches - family dinners, family birthdays, family pictures. He was so precious it was overwhelming. And precious things needed to be acknowledged as such. But it was so hard when his mother couldn't even bring herself to be polite to him... 

"You guys can hold hands, if you want to. I'll be on the watch in case Maryse or someone else shows up". 

Alec raised his eyebrows at Simon, gaped. He was just so desperate for Magnus' affection that he hadn't even worried about the third boy right there. For a brief second, he was desperate, his heart pounding, but then he just took a deep breath and relaxed. This was Simon. It was okay.

Feeling grateful, he wrapped his fingers tightly around Magnus' fingers, squeezing his hand, his veins being immediately filled with relief. He needed that. 

He closed his eyes. He had been so unbelievably lucky to have crossed paths with Magnus. That fact alone meant that the universe - or God, or whatever - wasn't entirely harsh on him. He prayed that he could have just the same amount of luck when it came to Isabelle; that the same positive forces that caused him to find Magnus, if that was even a thing, also acted on making sure that his sister was fine and safe again.

 

***

 

 **Tuesday, 7 PM**

Twelve days had passed since Isabelle's overdose, and life was slowly starting to feel lighter for Alec. She had recovered surprisingly well, and as soon as she got discharged from the hospital, Maryse had her sent to rehab, where she would spend about a month. It was hard being away from her; Alec missed her like crazy and worried about her everyday. But they were allowed to visit her on weekends, and it was definitely better than before, when he would spend nights entire nights awake worrying that she'd drug herself to death. Hopefully, when she got back home, all of that would be in the past and they would finally be able to get that weight off their shoulders.

Magnus was doing well in his new job at Lydia's family's drugstore, which was great - despite meaning that they now had way less time together to snuggle and just be unapologetically in love during the week. But at least they were still around each other the entire day at school - which wasn't perfect, considering they had to be overly conscious of every move they made in there the entire time, but it was better than nothing. Sometimes, the boys would even feel a little bold, going as far as sneaking into empty hallways to exchange kisses. And having less hours to be spent together at Dot's apartment after school meant that they were spending them more intensely and passionately - which Alec didn't think was possible, but it was. He was just happy about Magnus being able to make his own money, and on weekends, they were all over each other; whether it was with Dot or just by themselves, they would spend the best Saturdays and Sundays on the apartment, watching movies and TV shows, playing games and just being together and enjoying each other. And Alec didn't lie to his parents anymore; he was now unapologetically letting them know that he was constantly hanging out with Magnus. Still, he couldn't wait for their winter break, when they would be able to be together and free to love for how long they wanted to.

Things were now beginning to feel right again, and he finally felt like he was able to breathe. 

On that Tuesday night, however, he wasn't exactly at his calmest self. As he was driven to school by his mom, feeling the cold breeze from outside the car hit his face, his heart was racing. In a couple of hours, he would be at stage in front of the entire school and their parents, finally performing his role as Claudius on the winter play. That was it. The day had finally come. 

Every member of the cast had to be there two hours earlier in order to get ready - the costumes, makeup, last minute rehearsals, etc. Magnus was already there, waiting for him; his boyfriend had spent the entire day at home, rehearsing by himself, and Alec felt kinda bad about letting him be alone for his birthday, but he really couldn't have skipped school, because he needed to watch Geography class if he wanted to pass that semester. Besides, the day wasn't over just yet; the boy had convinced his parents to let him have a sleepover at Dot's apartment after the play, under the excuse that everyone would be there to have a little celebration - there would be no school on the next day. What they didn't know was that no one else would be there - not even Dot, who would sleep at a friend's; it would be just Magnus and Alec, and the whole night to themselves. That thought made him a little more relaxed; no matter how scary that night could turn out to be, in the end he would get the reward of spending a special night with the boy he loved. 

"Are you nervous?" Maryse asked as she guided him through the hallway, towards the door that led to the dressing rooms backstage. 

"A little" Alec murmured. That was an understatement.

"Don't worry, you'll do great. You've prepared for this" She said, tapping his back. "We'll be here at 8:30, waiting for you in the audience. I can't wait. Break a leg!" 

The boy smiled at her as she walked away, proceeding to knock on the wooden door in front of him. In a few seconds, it was open, and he was immediately filled with joy to be greeted by that familiar scent.

"You're here, finally! C'mon in" Magnus said, touching his arm to guide him into the room, which was already filled with restless voices. Before doing anything else, Alec pushed the other boy to a corner where they were away from all the talking, grabbed both of his hands and said:

"Happy birthday. I hope you enjoyed your day, and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to spend it with you. But tonight... Is going to be your best birthday ever. Just wait". 

He felt his cheeks and his ears tingling as Magnus chuckled and said:

"I can't wait".

Then, they proceeded to go get ready with everyone else. After Alec got properly dressed and had his makeup done with the help of Magnus, they went on to quickly rehearse their lines with each other one last time. 

Alec got more anxious with every minute that passed, but he had to pull himself together and be confident. He could do that. He had rehearsed for months. He knew all of his lines back and forth, he had all of Ms. Ashdown's tips and corrections memorized in order to deliver a decent acting at worst, and he knew exactly how to move around the stage, where to position himself and where to direct his eyes at every moment. It was complicated, and there were a lot of tiny details to worry about, but he had studied it and practiced it hard a thousand times, and it wasn't any different than memorizing stuff for a Biology or Chemistry test, to be fair. He had conditioned his brain to those kinds of tasks pretty well through the years, with all the hard studying. 

Still, when they heard the final horn announcing that the play was about to begin, his hands were sweating and his stomach twisting. 

"You got this" Magnus whispered at him, gently touching his shoulder when they were all positioning themselves behind the stage. "Look how far you've come already. You've done these scenes before, numerous times. Just not in front of everyone, but don't worry. It's Shakespeare. If something slips off your mind or you make a mistake, just add some drama to it and no one will notice". 

Alec smiled at him, quickly squeezing their hands together for a brief second to get the strength that he needed. Magnus had done so much for him; he wouldn't be there without the boy. He had selflessly invested so much time and effort on Alec's dream of acting, and he _had_ to make him proud. He had to be brave and go out there and do it. _For him._ Magnus had believed him. Now it was time for him to believe in himself.

_"It's Shakespeare. Just add some drama to it"._

 

***

 

**10:40 PM**

As Alec and Magnus went up the stairs together, the tall boy felt like he couldn't contain his joy, anxiously jumping through every step. As soon as they entered the apartment and Magnus locked the door behind them, Alec grabbed him by the face and smashed their lips together strongly. 

"I see someone's excited" His boyfriend chuckled against him, before joining their lips again. As they shared a series of intense pecks, Alec slowly pushed him forward. When they opened their mouths and their tongues met, he lifted Magnus up against the wall, holding his wrists with both of his hands as the boy wrapped his legs around his waist. 

"Happy fucking birthday" He whispered against his boyfriend's ear, smiling. "You are the best boyfriend in the entire world, and I grow more and more amazed every single day at how lucky I am to have you. You have this light in you... This magical ability to turn anything into fun and joy every time you enter the room. Everything about you just _fascinates_ me. _Every single detail"._

He let go of Magnus' wrists and gently caressed his finger through the boy's cheeks. His face was a puzzle that Alec was more and more happy to decipher every day, every new piece more beautiful than the previous one, every new detail making him more excited to keep on solving it. He wanted to say it to him. The three words he hadn't said yet - but he was still nervous about it. 

With his body still pressed against the wall, Magnus said:

"You're gonna make me cry, Alexander". 

Alec raised his eyebrows.

"No, no" He said, wiping the boy's wet face. "Don't cry".

"It's just that... Today was so amazing. I never had such an amazing birthday before, and never thought I would" He sniffed, proceeding to caress Alec's face.

"It truly was amazing" The tall boy agreed, smiling. "I was _so nervous,_ but that thing you said helped me a lot. It felt amazing to be on that stage, and prove to myself and my parents that I _am_ capable of chasing after my dreams. It was so great, you know. To see mom and dad and Max so proud of me".

"I'm proud of you, too" Magnus said. "Getting on that stage and receiving the reward of my hard work... I had gone through that before. I already knew the feeling. But to witness your shine, the way you conquered that so bravely, and to know that I was somehow a part of your journey... That was absolutely priceless". 

Alec smiled, grabbing Magnus' right hand in order to kiss it as he felt himself starting to blush.

"You were more than just _a part_ of that journey" He said. "I wouldn't have made it without you. I owe it all to you and your unbelievably kind heart".

"Well" His boyfriend whispered. "I ended up getting these six foot three of pure adorable dorkiness and loyalty all to myself as a reward, so... It was worth it".

They kissed again, and Alec felt as if he could just ignore the whole world and stay like that forever, but then the other boy said:

"Now, if you could let me go... We have a dinner to prepare, you know". 

Alec laughed, groaning and rolling his eyes before pecking him on the lips one last time. 

"Okay, you're right. Let's go".

 

"What's this called again?" He asked Magnus once they got to the kitchen's sink, washing their hands. 

"Vegan buttercup squash linguine" The boy answered. 

"Okay" Alec nodded, grinning. "Sounds delicious". 

"If everything goes as planned" Magnus said as he opened the cupboard and the fridge, and the tall boy could hear a bunch of stuff being placed onto the sink.

"Okay, so first of all, I'm going to warm some oil on this skillet in medium heat" His boyfriend explained, very focused in an adorable way. "Then you're going to pass me the sage, which is right there at this plastic bag, and I'll toss to coat until it gets crispy". 

When Magnus instructed, Alec did just as he asked.

"What now?" He inquired, eager to do more.

"Now" said Magnus, amidst the sound of something being tossed into a bowl. "I'm going to put this aside, and we're gonna have to cut some onion, garlic and the squash in order to add it to the skillet. They're all here, so I'll have you pass them to me so I can cut them properly".

"I can cut them, actually, if you want to" He suggested. "I wanna get my hands dirty!" 

"Um... Won't you... Hurt yourself?" The other one asked, confused.

"No!" Alec chuckled. "I know how to do it carefully. I used to help my mom around the kitchen, so I ended up learning some stuff. I mean... If you don't mind it being a little slow". 

Magnus hesitated for a bit.

"Uh... Okay, sure" He finally said. "But be very careful, please. I'll be on the watch to make sure you don't get hurt". 

Alec laughed again, rolling his eyes.

"You don't have to" He said. "I told you, I can do this".

But still, he could feel Magnus' breathing close against his ear, carefully watching as he picked up the knife to cut the onion, and he wasn't exactly _mad_ at his boyfriend for worrying. He didn't get hurt, however. He had learned that he just had to place his finger on the vegetable, then place the handle of the knife next to it and only start cutting when he made sure it was far enough from his finger. It was a slow process, for he had to repeat that before every single cut, but Magnus didn't seem to care, and it was good to feel like he was actually taking part on preparing their dinner.

After cooking and simmering all the spice for a few minutes, as well as cooking the pasta, with eventual little helps from Alec, Magnus grabbed a blender, for they needed to purée the squash mixture until smooth. As soon as the blender was turned on, both of them felt a sticky liquid flying to their faces and shirts.

"Oh my God" Alec exclaimed. " _Do not_ tell me you turned on the blender open!" 

He heard Magnus groaning as he turned it off immediately.

_"Fuck!_ I'm so dumb" He said.

"Don't worry" Alec laughed, licking his thumb as he reached out until he found a towel, cleaning himself up and then handing it to his boyfriend. "This tastes good, though". 

"I'm glad it does" The boy sighed. 

"And you were worried about _me_ in the kitchen!" The tall boy said, playfully, approaching him to kiss him on the cheek. "Did it all leak?"

"Oh, no, just a little bit. Alright, here we go again. This time with the lid on". 

Alec chuckled once more as the sound of the blender filled the room again. After that, there were only a few more minutes of cooking before Magnus announced that their dinner was ready to be served. 

They washed their hands again and sat together at Dot's small table, the attractive smell of the pasta hitting their nostrils. Magnus had also bought them some wine, which he quickly served to Alec in a glass cup. 

"This is really cheap, so don't expect it to taste like the blood of Christ" His boyfriend warned as he sat down to eat. "And the dinner is a quite simple recipe, but it should taste pretty decent. Please tell me how much you like it. Don't be afraid to use all the adjectives you can. My self-esteem depends on this". 

He laughed at the boy, reaching out to touch his hand from across the table.

"Don't worry, this is all perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better night". 

The boy proceeded to grab his fork and finally start eating, and _Oh man,_ did it taste good.

"Hm" He said as he finished chewing. "I hadn't eaten the vegan version of this before... But it tastes as if the feeling of my mom stroking my hair in bed when I was five got turned into a recipe. I swear every single cell in my tongue is having multiple orgasms now". 

Magnus laughed so hard that he started coughing, choking on his drink a little bit.

"Well, I'm glad you _didn't_ save on adjectives. That's exactly the kind of person I wanna cook for". 

He chuckled back at the boy, and they continued eating as the sound of soft rain hit the windows. Alec felt so _cozy_ and so _fulfilled_ at that moment, he could almost think that he had died and gone to Heaven. After he was done with the content of his plate, he asked Magnus to put some more, which, he was glad to notice, made his boyfriend incredibly satisfied. 

The wine didn't taste too bad, either, so they continued on drinking it after they finished having dinner and washed their dishes together. They decided to sit on the sofa to play some rounds of Taboo, passing the bottle of wine to one another as they took slow sips of it. 

Magnus picked up his cellphone and searched for _Taboo_ cards online. They settled the rules like this: Taking in account the prohibitions of the cards, Magnus had to try and make Alec guess whatever he was describing. If Alec managed to guess it in three tries, at most, he got a point. If he failed three times, the point went to Magnus. 

It was more fun than he thought it would be - perhaps the alcohol helped a little bit, but an hour later, after his boyfriend had described him 13 words, among objects, movies, celebrities, animals, foods and fictional characters, the current score being Alec 7 x 6 Magnus, his belly was hurting from how hard they were laughing. 

"I _told you,_ Alexander, Donald Trump is _not_ a fictional character!" The boy exclaimed firmly. "I _wish_ he was, but he's not!"

"He was in 'Home Alone 2'!" Alec protested with a chuckle, sucking his teeth. "Fuck, this one is hard. I'm starting to think you're purposefully being as vague as you can just so you can score! That's cheating!". 

"It's really not the case. I swear" Magnus said between another sip of wine. "Just think a little. You have one final chance".

He sighed, frowning and thinking.

"Uncle Scrooge?" 

_"Fucking finally!"_ His boyfriend exhaled slowly. "I was starting to think you had never watched Duck Tales". 

"It's been a while, give me a break!" Alec laughed, playfully poking the boy on the chest. "You wanna do something else now?" 

"Oh, look at you, trying to call off the game while you still have the higher score. You think I don't see you?" Magnus said. "But yeah, maybe we could do something else. Some music, maybe?"

"Yeah, sure".

Magnus got up from the sofa and turned on the TV. Soon after, the room started to be filled with music. But there was something off; the familiar instrumentals of the at song were playing, but there were no vocals.

"C'mon, Alexander" Magnus said, poking him on the shoulder. "Vocals are on us. I'm sure you're drunk enough for this". 

Alec laughed; he felt a little shy, but yeah, he _did_ feel like he was drunk enough for that, and in a split second, both of them were singing, at the top of their lungs, every lyric to Britney Spear's _'Baby One More Time'._

It felt silly, embarrassing and too much, but Alec loved every second of it. Being silly and over the top with Magnus was the best thing in the world. 

Their karaoke session stretched out to more than a couple of songs, and Alec slowly let himself go, being taken away by the 70s, 90s and early 2000s music and by the genuinely fun moment he was having with the boy.

By the time they were done with their 7th song, however, Magnus threw himself at the couch and said:

"Ugh, I'm tired. I think I'm done for today".

_"Already?_ But 'Dancing Queen' it's about to start!" Alec protested.

"Yeah, well, I'll be the Resting Queen right now" The boy said. 

Alec rolled his eyes, chuckling, and laid down on the couch besides him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Perhaps a movie, then?" 

"Sounds good".

Laying side by side on the sofa bed, Magnus' head on Alec's chest, they proceeded to quietly watch some random sci-fi movie on Netflix, the soberness slowly coming back to both of them. 

After the movie was over and his cellphone told him it was almost 3 in the morning, it was Alec who said:

"I think I'm ready to go to bed now. Do you mind?"

Magnus grunted.

"Not in the slightest. Me too". 

They both went to the bathroom to brush their teeth, and then Magnus set up his mattress for them to sleep on. 

"Well, Alexander, it is my pleasure to introduce to you... My bedroom" He announced. "And by bedroom, I really mean a double mattress behind Dot's couch".

Alec chuckled.

"Well, at least it's double" He said.

"Yeah. It was a blessing that her family happened to have one of those to spare".

They laid down together on the mattress, wrapped around each other, the blanket covering the two of them and their noses almost touching.

"It definitely feels better to lay down in your arms now that I know you want me, too" Magnus whispered, and he chuckled.

"Today was the best. I hope you enjoyed your 18th birthday just as much as I did". 

"No doubt about it" The boy said, getting closer until their lips met. They kissed gently and passionately, Alec running his hand through the boy's shoulder as he caressed Alec's cheek. They pulled away from it a few times in order to breath, and everytime they went back to each other's lips, it felt more intense and passionate, until Magnus finally made way for Alec's tongue to slip into his mouth.

He pushed himself on top of Magnus, stroking his hair as their tongues sensually danced with one another. The kiss only got more heated with every passing second, and when Magnus pressed their chests together, the excitement inside of Alec's pants was really hard to ignore. 

"You... Um, we..." His boyfriend chuckled awkwardly as he pulled away from the boy's lips, breathing heavily.

"I want this" Alec said, more firmly than he had ever said anything. "Magnus, I'm ready".

Magnus seemed to hesitate. 

"Are you sure?" He asked. "This isn't the alcohol talking?"

"No, it's not. I'm not drunk anymore. We didn't drink that much, and it's been two hours already. This is what I want". 

He inhaled through his nose, determined. He was a little nervous, but also feeling more certain than he'd ever had. He wanted to feel Magnus entirely. He wanted to know that feeling, and he wanted to do it with him and no one else. 

Magnus pulled him closer again, continuing their make out session. They eagerly pressed their groins against one another's, and the crave running through Alec's veins couldn't be contained anymore. He began to slowly unbutton his boyfriend's shirt as they kissed, touching his warm chest as soon as the fabric was gone. The hot touch gave him chills. 

"I'll go pick up the condom and lube at the bathroom" Magnus said between a series of kisses, lifting both of their bodies so that he could get up from the mattress. "Wait here". 

Alec sat down and waited, his breathing heavy and fast. He took of his shirt, and when Magnus came back, they jumped onto each other again, hungrily making out while running their hands through each other's torsos. Soon enough, Magnus' hands were at Alec's pants, unzipping it in a desperate pace. 

He pulled Alec's jeans down, and when they went back to kissing, the tall boy made sure to do the same to his boyfriend's pants. As Magnus kicked them off his feet, they got completely glued to one another, their legs intertwined, not a single inch separating their skins. Alec pulled his mouth away from Magnus' face and proceeded to kiss his ear, then his chin, and then he was hungrily licking and sucking at his boyfriend's neck, glad to hear a moan in response. He felt that just that, just their bodies intertwined, their hard-ons rubbing against one another, his mouth on Magnus' neck and then on Magnus' nipples - perhaps just that would be enough for him, except that _it wasn't,_ he craved for more, he _needed_ more. 

Suddenly, Magnus grabbed him by the shoulders and switched their positions, placing himself on top of Alec. They kissed again, and Alec placed his hand on the boy's left butt cheek, inside his underwear. Magnus responded by taking it off, and as soon as his cock touched Alec's belly, he took off his own underwear as well. 

He barely had any time to take in the touch of his boyfriend's member against him before he felt the boy's soft fingers wrapping themselves around his own. It was overwhelming, and Alec couldn't help but moan. As Magnus' hand worked on his cock, his mouth made its way down to his nipples.

"Oh, _fuck"_ He groaned. "This feels so good". 

The boy kissed his way through Alec's stomach, his warm lips sending shivers down the boy's spine, and then suddenly his tongue was on the tip of Alec's member, and _holy crap,_ that was pure bliss. 

_"Fucking hell,_ Magnus".

Alec's moans were the only thing that could be heard as his lover slid his cock inside his mouth, sucking it as if it was his job. He proceeded to suck on Alec's balls while jerking him off, and when he went back to his raging member, he swallowed it whole. 

The tall boy felt like he was in Heaven. He almost wished that he had done that sooner, but then maybe it wouldn't have felt so _blissful_ and right. 

_"How the hell can you do this?"_ He asked, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. 

And then, in a split second, Magnus' lips were away from his cock, the sudden absence almost killing him. He wanted to protest, but then the boy said:

"Don't want you to get there without experiencing the main event" He approached Alec and pecked him on the lips. "So... Do you wanna top?"

He considered the question for a while. The thought of bottoming, despite not completely unattractive, made Alec nervous, since he was a virgin. Topping seemed like a safer idea, since Magnus had done it before, so he said:

"Yes, I think so. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah" His boyfriend whispered. "I enjoy both, but I gotta say... The thought of having you inside me is really turning me on right now". 

Alec chuckled and smirked at him.

"Well, let's get to it then" He said, trying to conceal his anxiety. "Do you have the condom there?"

"Yes" He heard Magnus groping through the ground until he grabbed a plastic package. Alec heard the package being ripped, and the other boy said: "I'll put it on you". 

He spread his legs and waited as he felt the latex being wrapped around his erection. 

"Lube?" He asked once the condom was properly put. He heard the sound of a bottle being opened, and Magnus grabbed his hands in order to pour the lube on them. Alec spread the sticky substance on his palms and approached his lover. They shared a tender kiss, and he felt Magnus pushing him closer while laying down on the matress. Alec was now on top of him, his boyfriend's legs touching his torso and his ankles on Alec's shoulders. Leading his hand down, he found Magnus' entrance. He touched it with both of his hands, spreading the lube all over it, and then he grabbed the boy's legs again, the tip of his member properly placed. 

"You want me to put in some fingers first?" He asked, his heart racing.

"No need for that. I am experienced. You can go straight to the point". 

Alec hesitated again, biting his lip.

"I'm nervous" He admitted. "I've never done this before. I don't wanna hurt you. And I'm also afraid that I won't be able to please you". 

Magnus reached out and touched his face.

"Relax" He whispered. "I've done this before. You're not gonna hurt me. And don't worry about being unexperienced, either. I know I will enjoy it, no matter what, because it's _you._ And there is no other body I would rather have on top of me right now. Besides... This is only our first time. We're just getting to know each other's body. There is nothing that can't be improved through some talking and practicing". 

Alec smiled, a comfortable tingle running through his entire body. 

"Please tell me if it's hurting. Don't be afraid to tell me to change the pace". 

He touched his own cock again, slowly putting it inside of Magnus. As soon as the tip went in, he felt sparkles flying through him. He kept on going, slow and calmly, inch after inch, burying himself inside of his lover and feeling pure ecstasy with every bit that entered.

Finally, when it was all inside, he lowered his back in order to get closer to Magnus, his belly touching the boy's cock, his hot breath hitting Alec's face as he whispered:

"Is it hurting?"

"A little bit" The boy said. "But I'll adjust to it. You can go on". 

And so he did; he started thrusting slowly, kissing Magnus' neck as his hips went back and forth. He stayed like that for a while, both moaning softly, Magnus' hard-on rubbing against his belly, until he told Alec:

"Faster. Please".

The tall boy didn't hesitate; he went faster, every thrust harder than the previous one, the room slowly being filled with the sound of his balls slapping against Magnus' butt. 

His member buried inside of Magnus, surrounded by his warmth; Magnus' hands running through his back; Magnus' hard cock rubbing against his belly; the boy's moans filling his ears and his breath against his face, his hands on Alec's chest; it was all _overwhelmingly_ good, and he could swear that he was seeing stars, an uncontrollable wave of pure bliss running through every single vein on his body. 

_"Magnus..._ Magnus, I'm gonna come" He warned after a few minutes. 

"Wait for me". 

"I'll try". 

He failed, though; less than a second after saying that, he felt his release coming, the liquid filling the condom as his senses were taken over by the pleasure. 

"Sorry" He said, but then it didn't matter, because soon Magnus' climaxed too, spilling himself all over Alec's belly. 

The tall boy collapsed onto his lover, breathing slowly, his mind still floating. 

"This was... _So amazing."_

Magnus chuckled, breathing as heavily as him. 

"It surely was. It was... The best I've ever had". 

Alec blushed, tingling from his head to his toes as he approached the boy in order to kiss him with tenderness. 

"That's really good to know" He said, wrapping his arms around his lover.

"We should go wash ourselves. Maybe a hot bath?" 

Alec grunted.

"Sounds great" He whispered. "But let's wait just a little bit. I wanna stay here a little longer". 

Magnus laid his head on his chest again, and the tall boy started to stroke his hair. They smelled like sweat, but the fact that their scents were completely mixed up with one another made Alec smile. He was _so happy._ That felt like a dream - all of it. What had he ever done to deserve such a blessing?

He pulled Magnus' face closer by his chin, but he didn't kiss the boy; instead, he ran his fingers through the entire of his face, feeling the shape of his nose, his lips, his cheeks - everything, as if it was the first time.

"I love you". 

The words came out almost unconsciously, leaving his lips like a bird taking flight. 

His boyfriend chuckled.

"Everyone loves you when they just had an orgasm" He teased.

Alec raised his eyebrows.

"No, I mean it, Magnus. _I love you._ For real".

"I know" The boy whispered, touching his ear. "I love you, too". 

They kissed again, and then Alec asked:

"What do you mean you know? How _could_ you know? I never told you before".

"Yes, you have" Magnus laughed. "Haven't you?"

"I said I was _in love_ with you" Alec corrected him. "That's different. _In love_ is... Just a mood. _Love_ means... It means you're marked in my soul". 

"Oh" His boyfriend said. "It does?"

"Yeah" The tall boy chuckled, letting his hand travel from Magnus' hair to his arm, which he caressed gently. "I love you so much it makes me wanna cry sometimes. You're _so beautiful"._

"Am I?" The other boy whispered. 

_"Yes"_ with both of his hands, Alec pushed him closer by the cheeks and kissed him again on the lips, as firmly as he could, as if to reassure him of that.

They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes, cuddling against each other, feeling each other's breaths and exchanging gentle touches, as Alec tried to take in all the bliss and euphoria of that moment. There were simply no words enough to describe how much Magnus meant to him.

"Oh, my God" He said, suddenly remembering something. "I completely forgot. I got you something!" 

He got up from the matress and touched the floor until his hands found his jeans. He picked up the pants and slid his hand inside of the left pocket, from where he grabbed a small paper envelope. 

"Happy birthday again" He said, handing it to Magnus. "Open up". 

He smirked and bit his lip as he anxiously heard his boyfriend opening the envelope and pulling out the papers that were inside; two tickets to watch 'Hairspray' live on Broadway on March.

_"Shut the fuck up,_ Alexander! I... I'm about to fucking cry". 

Alec let out a satisfied giggle, proceeding to kiss him on the cheek. 

"I remember you mentioning you'd never watched Hairspray live, so... Yeah, I guess we're going together next year. Do you like it?"

_"Are you kidding me?_ This is a dream come true! Oh my God, I love you _so much!_ I could start cumming right now if I hadn't already".

He laughed again, before Magnus pulled him for a passionate kiss. After that, the boy hugged him tight. There was no better feeling than the feeling of seeing the boy he loved so joyful because of something he had done.

"This is going to be _so great._ Dot's not gonna believe it." He whispered at Alec. "This is the best present I've ever been given since she got me tickets to the Hole concert, but then it ended up being cancelled, so... _This one_ is the best". 

"I'm so glad you like it" He said, kissing his lover on the cheek. "And yeah, it's definitely a magical experience, and it's going to be especially magical to experience it with you. I can't wait. But... Unfortunately, I've spent all my savings on this, so I don't think I'll be able to give you something for Christmas. I'm sorry". 

"Oh, don't worry, you silly head. This present is worth, like, _three years_ of presents. Besides, you didn't even have to buy me anything for my birthday, either. The best present I could possibly get is sitting right here in front of me". 

"Well" Alec smiled. "What can I say? I can't resist the temptation of making you smile a little more". 

"This was the best birthday I've ever had in my entire life" Magnus said, before placing a small peck on his lips. "Now, I think I should go prepare us a bath. Sleeping in jizz is kinda gross. Come on, let's go". 

As he let his boyfriend grab him by his arms in order to get him up from the mattress, Alec didn't think he had ever smiled so bright in his entire life. Things felt perfect. Things felt _right._

He just prayed that he could be by Magnus' side for many and many more birthdays to come. That was an idea he could definitely get behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to keep y'all waiting but I SWEAR TO GOD I thought I would die before finishing this chapter, there were so many details that I wanted to be perfect and I kept changing things and going back and forth about everything. I just hope I did a good job! Please let me know what you guys thought of this, specially the scene of you-know-what because it can be really hard to write it decently. And thank you for all the kind reviews on the last chapter :)
> 
> Edit: in case you've noticed that I've changed the song to this chapter 13 hours after posting it, just pretend you didn't ok xoxo it's not my fault I'm a libra
> 
> Edit 2: If you've come this far and/or want to know when the next chapter is coming, I'm so sorry for taking this long to give you guys an update. I'm in hiatus right now and should be for a few more weeks, there's a lot going on in my life right now and I really want to wait until my mind's lighter so I can properly focus on this story with the intensity that it demands and deserves. It shouldn't take too long and I will be back, I do intend to finish it like I had planned since the very beginning, I know it sucks to have to wait as a reader and I really wish I didn't have to make you guys wait, but it's really necessary at the moment :-/ so yeah, thank you all for being patient, thank you if you still care about this fic lol and I promise this is not the end of Nail Polish and Sandalwood. Just hold on a little longer.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'In all the good times I feel myself longing  
> for change  
> And in the bad times I fear myself'

 

**Friday, 5:20 PM**

 

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Magnus asked once more as they stopped walking, standing together in the middle of the crowded park. 

  Alec bit his lip and inhaled deeply, seeming to be reconsidering. He rubbed his hands against one another, and Magnus could tell they were sweating. He couldn’t blame him; his own stomach was twisting as well, but he really wanted to do that, regardless. 

   “It’s okay if you’re having second thoughts” He added. “We can go back to the bumper cars. I won’t be mad”. 

   “No, it’s fine” Alec said, firmly, as he tightened the grip on Magnus’ arm. “I’ll go anywhere with you. Let’s do this”. 

   And so they went forward, taking slow steps towards the line for the rollercoaster. As it became increasingly shorter, Magnus’ heartbeat grew faster and faster. He pulled Alec’s hand away from his arm and firmly squeezed the tall boy’s fingers between his. His boyfriend was licking his lips.

   “You just have to take deep breaths” Magnus told him. “It’s going to be fun”.

   Alec chuckled.

   “You’re telling _me_ how to relax, but why do I feel like you’re actually trying to calm _yourself_ down?” He said, smirking. 

   Magnus sighed at the boy.

   “Okay, you’re right! _I am!_ I can’t help it. I want to do this, but I’m scared!”

   “I am scared as well!” Alec laughed. “But we’re gonna be just fine. It’s going to be quick, and we’ll be together”. 

   Magnus took another deep breath. In any other circumstance, he wouldn’t even _consider_ going on the rollercoaster, but there was something about being with Alec that made him want to try brave, crazy and thrilling new things; the boy always made him so _excited_ and _daring_ that even scary stuff didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. 

   However, as they were sat side by side on their seats and the metal safety bar was laid in front of them, Magnus couldn’t help but sweat a little bit. He grabbed his boyfriend’s hand again, who returned his squeeze just as tightly. 

   “We know what to expect” Alec whispered at him. “Right? It’s going to go all the way up, then down real fast, then there’s a couple of loops and turns and we should be fine”. 

   Magnus started to nervously laugh.

   “How can you be feeling so brave?” He asked, confused. “I remember you being all terrified at the Ferris wheel!”

   “I’m more scared than I look” He admitted. “But if you’re afraid, then I’ll have to be brave enough for the two of us”. 

   Magnus blushed, feeling his heart getting warm and his arms tingling pleasantly. Wow, his boyfriend truly _was_ the best, most perfect one he could’ve asked for. 

   They started going forward, and he swallowed, nervous, while repeatedly inhaling through his nose. 

   “Let’s be Batman” Alec said, and then, in a few seconds, they were going up. The train moved slowly at first, but its speed increased every second, and they went from horizontal to vertical in the blink of an eye. 

   Both boys instinctively faced each other, Magnus’ neck still getting used to the position. By his left, Alec let out a puff of air through his mouth, and Magnus simply creaked his teeth with intensity. For a second, he felt tempted to turn his head to the right, wondering what the city would look like with his body on horizontal, but the fear of having a vertigo held him back from doing so. Suddenly, the pace of the train started slowing down, moving to the top in a disturbingly sluggish way, and it was hard not to feel like it was about to go all the way down again. Magnus moved his hand from Alec’s fingers to his wrist as they reached the peak. 

   “ _Fucking hell_ ” He swallowed while quickly checking over the view before him. 

   “Here we go” Alec whispered huskily, and they barely had any time to appreciate being on a normal position again before the train went down like a missile. 

   Luckily, their intense screams weren’t the only ones that could be heard while they made their way through the rest of the ride; behind them, the other riders shouted from the top of their lungs as well, just as loud. Magnus’ veins were filled with adrenaline; he knew he wasn’t going to _die_ or anything, but it still felt very scary, even if exciting at the same time. They went all the way down in a flash, and then there were a couple of loops and sharp turns that caused his guts to turn upside down. They didn’t stop screaming and holding onto each other for one second, but by the final loop, their cries were accompanied by _maniac_ laughs. 

   By the time the train had finally stopped and they were back to their initial spot, both of them were gasping and had euphoric smiles on their faces. They took off their seat belts and jumped off the tracks as soon as the safety bar went up again, and in a split second, Magnus felt large hands pressing his shoulders with enthusiasm.

   “This was _awesome!_ ” The tall boy exclaimed, facing him with a giant childlike smile that could melt an entire iceberg. “ _We did it_ , Magnus! We’re fucking winners!” 

    “Hold on a minute, I’m still not sure I haven’t left my soul on those tracks” He answered, his heart still racing as he took a few more deep breaths. 

   “Well, it was definitely _terrifying_ in some parts” Alec chuckled, still gasping as well. “But I’m _so proud_ of us for conquering our fear!”

   Magnus barely had time to grin and open his mouth to answer something before he was caught _completely_ off guard with his boyfriend’s lips being pressed against his. His heart was already racing, but at that moment it almost stopped. Alec placed his hands on both Magnus’ cheeks and french kissed him with passion. He kissed the tall boy back, but when their mouths parted ways, his eyes were wide open in shock. 

   “Um… Did you just… Alec, did you forget we’re _in public_?” He inquired, starstruck, his eyebrows joined in confusion. 

Alec bit his lips with a playful smirk.

   “No, I didn’t” He said, proceeding to gently caress Magnus’ fingers. “I just don’t care anymore”.

   Magnus’ jaw dropped, an intense feeling filling his veins as he looked around them, to all the people passing by. 

  “Why? _Do you_?” The other boy asked him, to which he immediately shook his head.

   “ _Of course_ I don’t!” He exclaimed, unable to believe that was happening. “You know I’ve wanted this for a long time! I’m just… Surprised, I guess. And _happy_. But are you _sure_?” 

   Alec didn’t answer that immediately, and for a second, Magnus couldn’t help but wonder if he had simply had an adrenaline-driven impulse. However, the way the boy wrapped their hands tighter together next didn’t feel impulsive at all.

   “At this moment, yeah. I just feel like… _Not caring_. Maybe I don’t have to _come out_ of the closet like it’s this huge deal, you know. Maybe I can just… Make the closet cease to exist”.

   Magnus grinned, his cheeks going red from the tenderness. 

“That makes me very happy” He admitted as butterflies flied through his stomach. “I just don’t want you to do anything you might regret later”.

   “But that’s not really possible” Alec said, caressing Magnus’ cheeks. “We can’t see the future. We never really know how we’ll be feeling tomorrow, and regrets are a part of life. We grow from them. What’s important is that, right now… There is nothing my heart wants more than to be completely, unapologetically yours”. 

   Magnus sighed, feeling on cloud nine as they glued their foreheads together, feeling a little afraid, but also powerful. Alec was the most perfect man in the whole world, he was sure of that. If he only knew _how bad_ Magnus needed to hear something like that. 

   “I love you” He whispered passionately at his lover, who smiled brightly.

   “I love you _so much_ you can’t even imagine” He moved his soft fingers back to Magnus’ hands. “I feel like I can do _anything_ now. I mean, thanks to you I managed to become an actor, be comfortable with who I am, face the Ferris wheel and even the rollercoaster! All things I never even imagined I would be able to do… I feel like I can learn how to fly a plane next!”

   “Oh for God’s sake, don’t tell me I have something to be worried about now” Magnus sighed, to which Alexander laughed.

  “Just kidding, babe. You _also_ taught me not to be reckless. The only thing I’ll be flying is a bunch of broomsticks and squeegees tonight… Mom must be already waiting for me to start our cleaning, by the way. I’d invite you, but I don’t know if you’d be super thrilled to help me scrub my house’s floor”.

   “Um, what makes you think I’d pass a good opportunity to ruin my freshly done nails?” He joked, to which Alec rolled his eyes.

   “Asshole” He said with a chuckle as Magnus offered his arm for him to take so they could leave. “Maybe we could try to shoot some balloons first, though? I just can never get enough of stuffed animals.”

    “Yeah, sure. Go ahead and continue to explore my physical labor for your own personal gain” He teased, their jokes and laughs being slowly muffled by the lines of people passing by, the winter sun setting above them as joy and peace filled the air.

 

   Joy and peace, however, didn’t seem to be allowed to stay for too long on Magnus’ life. As he was sitting alone on Dot’s couch, binge-watching Jessica Jones and eating cup noodles, he was surprised by the intercom on the wall ringing. He frowned as he paused the show and stood up to pick it up, confused. Dot wasn’t supposed to be home from work yet, Alec was busy and he wasn’t expecting anybody else – it was kinda late for vendors to show up, too. 

   “Hello?” 

   “Hey, it’s Nick, the landlord. Can I come in?”

   Magnus twisted his lips, pondering for a while. His deep voice did sound a little bit familiar, so he assumed that this was, indeed, the guy whom he’d seen talking to Dot a few times. 

   “Dot’s not here, if you want to talk about any contract stuff” He said while taking another big amount of noodles with his fork and putting it on his mouth. 

   “Oh, it’s okay, I just gotta do some checking” The man coughed between his words. “Just protocol”.

   Once again, Magnus frowned, slightly suspicious. But he didn’t want Dot to be in trouble with her landlord or anything like that, so he pressed the button on the intercom so that the metal door downstairs was open. 

   It wasn’t long till he heard knocks on the door, and leaving the cup noodles on the center table, he unlocked it only to be greeted by his worst nightmare coming true.

“You fucking filthy faggot! Going around kissing your boy toy in public? Didn't you think I was gonna find you?”

With a strong push on his chest, Magnus fell to the ground, staring at his grandfather with terror.

“How _the hell_ did you find out I was here?? You fucking psycho geezer! I'm calling the police!” 

The boy reached in for the center table to grab the telephone, but the old man quickly placed his wrinkly hands on his grandson's wrists, holding him still while looking straight at his eyes with a hateful look that, as much as Magnus wouldn't like to admit, made him  _petrified_ with fear. 

“It wasn't really that hard, you know. All I had to do was look for your social media, and then there it was; a picture of you and this cunt, having ice cream. The caption said 'When your best friend is lucky enough to have an ice cream shop right under her apartment', and the location was attached to the post. You really gave it away smoothly, you know? Not very clever of you”.

The way he referred to Dot as a 'cunt' made Magnus' face burn with fury. He tried to get rid of the old man's grip so he could smack his face, but somehow he seemed stronger than he ever was – he looked out of his usual self, so Magnus' chest got more and more filled with dread by every second passing.

“And what do you think you're gonna get by coming here? _Leave me alone!_ ” His voice came out way more britler than he intended it to sound. He felt so powerless and shitty. 

“I came here only to give you a warning” The elderly one whispered against his ear, causing his skin to crawl with aversion. “I don't care if you want to live away from me; in fact, it is rather relieving. For all I care, we could pretend to not even be related. But you see, people _know_ you're my grandson. Our family – well, _my_ family – knows that the young queer walking around like a semi-transvestive is a Bane. And they come _to me_ talking when they witness your perversions. I do _not_ want my reputation to be tarnished by your degeneracy”. 

While he spoke, Magnus gathered enough strenght to finally break free from his hands. Quick as a whip, he grabbed the cup of noodles in front of him and spilled all the hot content right on his grandfather's face. The old man stood up and screamed in pain, putting his hands on his eyes and cursing Magnus while kicking the center table upside down. Just as Magnus was about to reach for the door to cry for help, however, he felt a strong grip on his shoulder forcing him down on the couch.

“I can take hold of you even without seeing anything” The man said with a sarcastic laugh. “Much like your blind sweetheart, ain't that right?”

Magnus' whole body immediately felt cold. His heart sank and it felt like it could drop to the floor. He started breathing heavily, shivers running down his spine, his stomach filled with nausea.  _No, no, no, no, fuck._

“Stay away from him” He couldn't pretend like he wasn't desperately crying when he said that. His voice was shakier than that of a five year old begging not to go to school. “Please. He has nothing to do with this”.

“Oh, but he absolutely does! You see, I really wouldn't like to do him any harm – or even you, for that matter. It's all up to you. Stop displaying your filth and immorality in public. Stop tarnishing the Bane's name – _my_ name. Don't even think of leaving this house to go outside with him by your arm ever again. If I'm gonna be associated with you, you better not be snuggling with another man. Don't forget that I know where you live. I may not know anything about your boy candy except that he's a tall blind guy, but that's enough for me to hurt him if I have to. All I gotta do is come here and wait for him to show up, sneaking at your door. That is, if you don't behave, of course”. 

Magnus closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh when his grandfather finally let go of him, still shaking and paralyzed with fear, not even moving to face him as he left.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Just one more thing I came here to do”.

The boy barely had any time to hear the man's belt being taken off and to process its meaning before the leather hit his back with a whip, a scream of pain leaving his mouth as the door was shut behind him. His skin was burning and tingling from the aggression, and it took him a minute before he managed to move and place his flooded eyes on the door, as if to make sure that monster was really gone.

His hands were shaking as he locked the door again, and for a few minutes, he just sat there on the floor, his wide open eyes looking at the upside down center table and the cup noodles spilled all over the carpet, trying to process what had just happened and horrified like he had never felt before.

What does it take for a casually prejudiced person to become an actual assaulter?, he wondered. For a conservative parent to step up his common-sense homophobic speech to actual attacks and threats? Where is the line that separates these two things and when exactly does one cross it? Apparently, it was impossible to tell, he concluded. Apparently, someone like him couldn't simply assume he was safe or immune to the bigotry around him. That was a mistake he would regret for the rest of his life. He was in utter shock and unable to come to terms with the fact that he'd been living with a monster for all those years.

And now, because he'd failed to protect himself,  _Alec_ was potentially in danger as well. He put his hands on his mouth, sobbing, thinking how much of a shitty person he truly was for allowing his boyfriend to be under such threat. He had to do everything in his power to protect him now, but he just could  _not_ tell him about that. Imagine if Alec knew that his happy moment, finally coming to terms with displaying affection towards Magnus in public, had ultimately lead both of them to danger. Imagine if he knew that his boyfriend's psycho grandfather was still determined to not let them have peace. That wasn't an option. Magnus needed to let Alec's peace of mind intact – he  _owed_ him that. 

But they certainly couldn't be together at Dot's apartment anymore – or in any open space. Shit.

When Dot got home a couple hours later, he was still a wheeping mess on the floor, the spilled cup noodles were still all over the carpet, and the center table was still upside down. For a few minutes, he was still sobbing too much to even manage to tell her what had happened, and she thought it had been a home invasion by a robber or something. Which wasn't wrong; their home had been invaded, and by a robber who came in to steal Magnus' peace. When he finally told her, she was just as mortified as him. The girl tried her best to comfort him, but not without reminding him that he should never open the door to a stranger –  _especially_ during the night - and that her landlord would  _not_ simply appear unannounced like that. They also agreed that they should install a camera outside so they could always  _see_ whoever was calling on the intercom, -  _great_ , now she had to spend more money because of him - and Magnus decided to deactivate all of his social media. 

He felt  _so_ incredibly  _stupid._ How could he have let that happen so easily? How could he have been so  _dumb?_ No matter how much Dot told him that it wasn't his fault and that he shouldn't feel guilty, he  _knew_ that it was all because of him and his idiocy. He'd been unbelievably naive, and put the two people he loved the most in the world in danger because of it. “I am the worst”.

He stayed up all night, not once closing his swollen eyes; even though Dot kindly decided to sleep on the living room with him, the terror wouldn't leave his mind. He looked over at his best friend and refused to believe that he had put her in danger after everything she had done for him. He thought of Alec and his heart sank, wondering how he was going to tell the boy that he couldn't go to his place anymore.

During that night, Magnus brought the red lines back to his wrist.

By the morning, while Dot prepared breakfast, he finally picked up his cellphone and dialed Alec's number. He put it to his ear and bit his lip, nervous, but he knew what he was going to say – he had been planning all night. Hours and hours spent awake crafting the perfect lie to tell his boyfriend. That made him feel sick to his stomach, but not as much as telling the truth would.

“'Morning, sunshine. Do you wanna go grab some coffe?” That gracious voice saluted him. Magnus took some air in and tried to sound as casual as he could.

“Um, I don't think I'll be able to, I have to help Dot with some stuff in the house” He could feel Dot's confused look judging him while she prepared pancakes, but he disregarded it.

“Oh” said Alec. “Okay. Can I come by, then?”

Magnus had to take another deep breath in order not to start crying again. Alec was  _so eager_ to be with him, and now he had to basically ban the boy from going there. He didn't deserve that. It wasn't fair.

“Uh, actually, I... That's exactly why I called you. I need to talk to you about something. I...” He sighed again. “I'm sorry, but I don't think we'll be able to meet at Dot's place anymore”.

The brief silence that came afterwards was mortifying.

“What?” He chuckled, confused, and then suddenly his tone changed to concern. “Why? What happened?”

Magnus stared at Dot one more time before telling his lie.

“We've found out that her landlord is a homophobe. He sent a letter asking Dot to please not allow the apartment to be used for _degenerate acts_ ever again. So... Yeah, there's that”.

He shivered a little bit at the thought of that word being used by his grandfather the night before, and tried not to look at the girl, to avoid guilt to consume him even more.

“ _What the hell?”_ Alec said, sounding dumbstruck. “Are... Are you _serious_? That's disgusting! Can't you guys sue him for discrimination or something?”

“I mean, we could... But then we'd have to find somewhere else to live, and it's not easy fingind an affordable place for two high schoolers, and this one here is one of the cheapest in town... I just don't wanna give her a hard time, y'know? I know it sucks. I'm sorry”.

From the other side of the line, Alec sighed. Magnus swallowed, his mouth filled with a bitter taste.

“Well, yeah, it _definitely_ sucks” His boyfriend said. “But I understand. Yeah, you guys can't just risk getting kicked out, you're right. _What an asshole..._ seriously, why is someone's private life any of his business?”

The boy snorted with anger, and Magnus couldn't help but think how even more stressed he would've been if he knew the actual truth. He tried to calm him down:

“Hey, don't be upset, okay? We always knew we'd have to face shitty people. We'll still be able to hang out, we're just... Gonna have to be more creative. This is all temporary, just until we figure our lives out and find us a better place to live”.

“You're right” Alec took a deep breath. “We'll build a life together for us soon enough. And it's going to be _amazing._ I promise”.

Magnus' eyes got wet again upon hearing that, and he closed them, desperately praying for anything that could hear that that could be true. That he could get as far away from there as possible, be with Alec in peace and be _free._ It seemed like such a wild dream that it hurt.

“So where do you wanna meet today?” The boy on the other side added, to which Magnus opened his mouth, thoughtful.

“Maybe the Jade Wolf?” He suggested. It was a safe idea, right? It was a friendly space where they could be open and it was almost empty most of the time. “I don't know, I have to go help Dot with making some pancakes. Can you call me later so we can decide?”

“Yeah, okay. Don't be sad, alright? We'll be fine. I love you a lot”.

Magnus' voice sounded hoarse as fuck when he said:

“I love you with all my soul”.

With the beep of the call being ended, the tears streamed freely down his face.

“You really should just call the police and press charges, Magnus”.

He shook his head while wiping his cheeks.

“You know I don't trust the cops” He stood up in order to approach her and help with the pancakes, trying to act strong. However, it took no more than a few seconds for him to crumble again.

“I just love him _so much_ , Dot. Why can't I have what I want?” He sobbed as his friend offered him her shoulder. He sank his head on it, allowing her to try to comfort him with her words. He hated showing himself as a vulnerable wheeping baby, but he just really needed to bare himself for once.

  
  


Later that day, he and Alec went out for dinner at the Jade Wolf, just like they had said. Magnus wasn't in the mood for going out; he was definitely in the mood for staying home watching a movie under blankets and eating his feelings, but he also _needed_ to be with Alec, even if he had to put on an act and pretend like everything was fine in order to do that.

He tried his best to act joyful and put aside all the darkness for a while so that they could have a good time together – which, to be fair, wasn't all that difficult when his favorite person was in front of him, feeding him with the most beautiful smile in the universe. However, every now and then, his thoughts couldn't help but wander away to those gloomy places, and by the end of the night, he had to once again confront the sorrowful reality.

On Sunday, they went to the Jade Wolf again, and it was starting to get a little hard for Magnus to come up with excuses as to why he was suddenly so obsessed with that place, and why he always insisted that the two of them sat as separatedly as possible from everyone else, hidden in the corner – even though the odds of his family acquaintances turning out to be amongst the very few clients of the restaurant were ridiculously small. The boy tried his best not to raise any suspicions, but his lover had always been quite perceptive, and in a lot of moments, he would question Magnus again, as if he knew that something wasn't right.

All Magnus knew was that he felt like absolute shit. For having to ban his boyfriend from his house, for having to lie to him so he would be at peace, for being stupid enough to let it get to that point, for being unable to stay away from Alec even though their relationship was constantly putting him at danger and, most of all, for never being able to have what he wanted.

  
  


  
  


**Monday, 9 AM**

It was the last week of school before the winter break, and the vacation could already be felt in the air, as disheartened students filled the hallways with a feeling of exhaustion and idleness. Very few students were even still attending their classes, which was exactly the ideal scenario for Magnus and Alec to exchange furtive smooches every once in a while. At that moment, they were switching classes and Alec embraced the opportunity to grab the other boy by his arm and drag him to a quiet hallway where they could give each other some sugar.

“I was thinking” The taller boy said between a series of packs on Magnus' lips. “What do you say we go to the park again today? I really feel like going on the dark ride this time”.

Magnus bit his lip, apprehensive.

“Uh, I... I don't know” He stummered. “I'm not really in the mood for the park? Why don't we go for some Chinese food again?”

Alec sighed and rolled his eyes, pressing his back against a random metal locker.

“What's with you and the Jade Wolf lately?” He chuckled. “It's a nice place, but it's not the _only_ one in town! And you know I can _tolerate_ Chinese food, but it's not my favorite”.

Magnus took a deep breath.

“I don't know” He said, trying to conceal his anxiety. “I just like the atmosphere there. I've been more in the mood for _intimate_ dates lately”.

 _What a nice euphemism for the situation,_ he thought to himself.

“Okay... Then maybe the movies?” His boyfriend inquired, raising one hopeful eyebrow.

Magnus licked his lips and stared at the floor, getting more nervous every second, his hands beginning to sweat.

“I can tell by your hesitation that it's a no” Alec sighed again and approached the other boy in order to gently touch his cheeks. “Listen... I don't really care where we go to as long as I'm with you. It's just that... I'm not always going to have money to go eating out”.

Magnus sucked his teeth. He was right. He wasn't exactly full of resources _himself,_ either – going to the Jade Wolf everyday was clearly a poorly thought out plan, but _fuck,_ he just _had_ to keep on seeing Alec in peace.

“Listen, we can figure this out” He said, trying to sound optimistic. “Why don't we hang out a little bit on our good old amphitheater after school? I know we can only be there till the school closes, but... It's better than nothing, right?”

Alec twisted his lips in responde, and that _killed_ him. Still, he told Magnus:

“Of course it is. It's not ideal, but... I guess we'll have to be patient. It's okay” He started to caress Magnus' eyebrows with his thumb. “As long as I'm with you”.

For the umpteenth time that week, Magnus had to hold back tears as Alec pressed their lips together. For a moment, everything felt right, but then they were suddenly pulled out of their perfect little moment when a nearby voice said:

“ _Oh my God!_ I can't believe the blind boy is a fag, too!”

When they pulled away from each other, both with scared looks on their faces, the stupid jock was staring at them from the end of the hallway with a disgusting grin.

“Tell me, Alec, do you think we could maybe grab your walking stick and put it up your ass? Would you like that?”

“ _LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE, YOU DISGUSTING MORON, OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU”_ Magnus grunted, his teeth clenched and his face burning with hatred.

“Whoa, whoa, okay, I don't wanna mess with you, dude, the boys told me about the shit you mess with” The young man stuttered, suddenly seeming fearful, which Magnus was satisfied to see. “You don't need to pull your dark arts stuff on me, alright? I'll leave you two alone, geez”.

As the dumbass left in nervous steps, Magnus couldn't help but let out a groan of frustration that echoed through the hallway:

“ _FUCK!_ This fucking _sucks_!” He felt like punching a locker.

“Hey, hey, it's okay” Alec hugged him, gently stroking his back. “I don't care. He's just a moron. And you heard him, he's scared of you. When Jace finds out about this, he'll get his ass handled to him. Don't be mad, babe, I don't care”.

Magnus closed his eyes, sinking his head on Alec's chest and pretending that he believed his tranquilizing words. But no matter how much Alec told him that he _didn't care;_ he'd noticed how paralyzed his boyfriend had gotten when the dumb jock was throwing his words at them.

 _Twice in last than three days. Twic_ e Alec's integrity had been put at risk because of him. The boy was now officially a target in school, and not by his own choice. They still had six months till the end of the school year; what if one of those awful cavemen did something bad to Alec? Magnus wasn't sure the son of Satan thing would be enough to scare them away for too long.

He felt his throat closing and his chest getting heavy. The room seemed to be spinning around him, the ground beneath his feet disappearing.

“ _I am the worst”._

It didn't seem like the red lines would be leaving anytime soon.

  
  


**Tuesday, 6:20 PM**

“Gosh, I swear I thought this Math class was going to last forever” Alec said, kissing him on the lips as they got to the amphitheater.

“Tell me about it” Magnus chuckled between the kisses as he closed the double doors. “Ms. Cogswell seems to be always determined to make my life miserable. C'mon, let's take a seat”.

But Alec didn't move when Magnus pulled him. Instead, with his hand carefully touching Magnus' wrist, he asked:

“Magnus... Why is your wrist hurt and bleeding?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who back in the house?
> 
> ugh this chapter killed me to write, it was definitely the toughest one so far, I swear I feel their pain every single time :(  
> I promise to give them the peaceful resolution that they deserve because honestly I need it just as much as them


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I know you've had a rough time  
> but here I come to hijack you  
> hijack you, I love you  
> I'm making the most of the night  
> I know you've had a rough time  
> but here I come, I'mma hijack you  
> hijack you, I love you  
> I'm making the most of the night'

 

**Tuesday, 6:45 PM**

 

Alec slammed the door open and entered the living room in harsh steps, firmly pulling Magnus by his hand, so focused that he lightly bumped his hip on the dining table.

  
   “Jesus, Alexander, be careful! You're gonna hurt yourself!”

  
   Alec turned to him and frowned, interrupting his walk.

  
  “ _Seriously?_ Look who's talking! Getting your wrist cut while washing the dishes? Do I have to get an ambulance to stay on alert outside of Dot's apartment?”

  
   Magnus sighed as he pushed the boy onto the couch and dropped their backpacks there, heading to the bathroom on the hallway.

  
  “It is no big deal! I just need a band-aid and I'll be fine” He shouted as Alec filled a small cup with hot water from the sink, before proceeding to grab some toilet paper and a piece of cotton.

  
  “Are you kidding?” He said as he hastily placed the cup, the piece of toilet paper and the ball of cotton on the center table and moved to the kitchen in order to grab some ice cubes from the freezer, which he placed inside another cup, and a teacup of sugar. “We can't make room for bacteria. Those cuts need to be treated properly!”

  
  He ignored Magnus' annoyed chuckle as he flied once again through the corridor, heading straight to his room, where he grabbed his roll-on deodorant from his dresser. Luckily Maryse and Robert were at a parents meeting in Max's school, so they could have that little moment to themselves. As he got back to the living room and sat next to the other boy, he said:

  
 “You know, it would be really great if I didn't have to play doctor with you anymore” He grinned while tapping the center table in search for the cup of hot water, which Magnus readily grabbed and handed to him. “You would think it'd be the other way around, you know, since _I'm_ the one who can't see stuff. It should be me collecting bruises, not you. Put your hand in the water, it'll help cauterize the wounds”.

  
 His boyfriend sighed as Alec grabbed his hand and felt it sink inside the cup, the vapor going up - this time, a sigh that seemed genuinely upset, which caused Alec's grin to disappear.

  
  “I'm sorry” Magnus whispered, his voice mysteriously hoarse. “I didn't mean to worry you this much. I'm too careless, I know”.

  
 “Hey, you don't need to apologize” He said, affectionately, gently caressing Magnus' arm as his hand was still inside the cup. “It's not like you did it _on purpose._ Just try not to be _so clumsy_ , please. I was just joking with you, but domestic accidents _are_ a pretty serious matter – _speaking from experience_ ”.

 The other boy seemed to hesitate a little bit before answering.

  
  “Yeah, you're right” He agreed. Alec reached out for the center table again, grabbing the tea-cup full of sugar. “It was just this stupid old glass cup that was already a little cracked. What the hell did you get that sugar for?”

  
  Alec chuckled as he filled the small spoon with sugar.

  
  “Give me your wrist” He asked. When Magnus got his hand out of the water, placing the cup by the table, Alec grabbed his fist softly, reaching for the cuts and carefully passing his fingers through them. When he had first noticed them earlier, his heart had started pounding a little bit, his mind immediately going to those school bullies and even to Magnus' grandfather. It was _relieving_ to know that it'd been just an accident – although Alec still worried. “You know, not a lot of people know this, but sugar disinfects wounds and helps contain the bleeding”.

  
  “Wow” Magnus whispered as Alec poured the small amount of sugar from the spoon onto his fingers and then gently applied it on his boyfriend's wrist. “You sound like you've been watching a lot of emergency room shows on Discovery Channel”.

  
  Alec laughed, putting the spoon and the tea-cup aside.

  
  “Sometimes I enjoy browsing through WikiHow when I'm bored” He explained. “I still think it needs a little more sugar though, don't you?”

  
   He then pulled the other boy's hand closer to himself, placing a few smooth kisses on his wrist area, his lips being met by some grains of sugar and a small amount of blood. Magnus groaned, almost like a cat’s purring, which made him smile devilishly.

  
  “Feel better now?” He teased, raising a single brow.

  “ _Ugh._ I don't think I've ever felt anything so satisfying in my entire life” He said, to which Alec gave a satisfied chuckle. “But I don't know… I think I need some sugar somewhere else”.

   He made kissing sounds with his mouth after saying that, and Alec pulled him closer with a naughty laugh. He gave Magnus his best slow, passionate french kiss. The other boy chuckled.

   “What?” He asked, smiling.

   “You have sugar on your lips” Magnus pointed out, his laughing now uncontrollable.

    “Uh… No, I don't!” Alec exclaimed, cleaning his lower lip with his thumb. “That's just how sweet my kiss tastes. Common misunderstanding”.

    “ _Dork!”_ He jokingly gave Alec a soft punch on his shoulder, and the tall boy blushed.

    “Wanna know what else helps staunching a wound?” Alec said, reaching out and groping through the table until he found his roll-on deodorant.

    “Oh, _get outta here_ ” Magnus said, and Alec nodded in reaffirmation. “You're kidding, right?”

    “Not at all. It has aluminum chloride, which helps in the blood coagulation” He explained while spreading some of the deodorant from the plastic ball on his index finger and then applying it to the boy's cuts.

  
  “ _Such a nerd,_ huh? I love my intellectual man” Magnus teased, causing Alec to blush. “But you're making a goddamn sticky mess on my wrist, Alec! Water, then sugar, then deodorant? I don't think that's all necessary. It's just some small cuts!”

  
  Alec stopped spreading the liquid on the wounds and gasped at him, slightly offended. Magnus sighed.

  “I mean, _thank you_ for taking care of me. I appreciate it immensely. You're the most precious nurse ever”.

  
   Alec twisted his lips, feeling his cheeks going warm again.

  
   “I'm just saying…” His boyfriend continued, with a cough. “Just some hot water would've been enough. It's no big deal”.

   “I just don't want you to start bleeding out of nowhere again. Besides, you always try to act tough” Alec rolled his eyes at him as he put the deodorant aside and reached for the cotton. “But _I know_ you enjoy this type of treatment. _I know you_. Don't act like you don't!”

  
  Magnus stuttered, as if trying to argue but unable to form an argument. He then sighed once more, and Alec opened up a victorious smile.

  
 “Can't really argue on that” The other boy admitted while Alec used the cotton to further spread the _sticky mess_ through his wounds. “I still can't help but thinking about how this liquid has probably touched your armpit, though”.

  
 “ _Hey!_ My armpit is probably cleaner than your shady mouth”.

 

 He finished his boyfriend's treatment by wrapping the piece of toilet paper around his wrist, to further contain any bleeding.

  
    “Now take the ice from inside the plastic cup and press it on top of your wounds for a while. It'll contract your vessels and slow down the blood flow to them”.

  
     He kept on facing Magnus for a couple of seconds, until he heard the sound of the plastic cup being picked up from the table. Magnus let out a small hiss of pain. He admired the boy immensely for his strength, but he wished he wasn't trying so hard to hide his vulnerabilities all the time. It wasn't healthy, and it made Alec deeply worried for him - even though he wasn't the best role model himself when it came to that.

  
     “Well, I'm sure the bacteria are neutralized, now” He told Alec. “Thank you, Doctor Lightwood”.

  
    “Yeah, you take better care of yourself next time” He warned his boyfriend, completely serious now. “You were bleeding _a lot_ , Magnus. It scared the hell out of me”.

  
    “Don't worry” He touched Alec's cheek. “Now I know I just need some sugar and a deodorant and I'll be fine”.

  
    They kissed again, and Alec held both of Magnus’ hands against his lap.

  
    “I was thinking…” He bit his lip and whispered carefully, as if the walls could hear them. “Do you wanna go to that gay club you've told me about tomorrow?”

     His suggestion was followed by that familiar moment of silence in which he could hear Magnus opening his mouth while probably raising his eyebrows in surprise.

  
    “The Seelie Realm? You wanna go there?”

  
    “Yeah, I do” Alec nodded, firm. “Since we can't go to Dot's place together anymore because that asshole of a landlord is on our necks… I figured that would be a great place to have some freedom. Just you and me”.

  
    “And the dozens of other sweaty gays” Magnus pointed out, chuckling. “I don't know… I suggested we went to a gay club together the day that you came out to me, but I never really thought of you as the club type. But if you're sure you want to do this, I would _love_ to. I mean, it can be really fun going to a venue where you can have some drinks, dance all night and be yourself. And it would be _amazing_ to do it with you”.

  
    Alec tightened his grip against Magnus’ hands, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside - and really excited, too.

    “Yeah, I feel like it's a part of my teenage gay journey that can't be skipped, you know?” He said. “Even if I end up not enjoying it, I want to know what it feels like”.

 

   “Absolutely” His boyfriend agreed. “But… _Tomorrow_? Why can't we wait till the weekend? That's when I'm getting my paycheck from the drugstore”.

  
   “I won't be here in town this weekend, remember? We're going to see my grandmother in Delaware for Christmas. I wish I could stay here, but after all this thing with Isabelle, I feel like mom really needs to spend the holidays in a different environment, you know, and she needs her family with her. _At least me and Max”._

  
  “Yeah, of course. I forgot. You're right” Magnus sucked his teeth. “Maybe after you come back, then?”

  
  Alec twisted his lips and then pouted, like a needy child.

  
  “Well, after Christmas, we're going to spend an entire week there, you know. I won't see you at all until next year” He noted. “I thought that maybe this could be our little _farewell_. Our grand closing to the year”.

  
  “Don't be _dramatic_ , Alexander. You're talking as if you'll be away for an eternity!” Magnus laughed softly.

  
  “Well, I think it may _feel_ like an eternity! We're used to seeing each other practically every day, and I'll miss you a lot”.

  
  He bit his lip in satisfaction when the other boy caressed his shoulder gently.

  
  “I know. I'll miss you, too, especially now that we'll be on Holiday break and I'll have virtually nothing to keep my mind busy with. But I don't think I have any money right now! I spent my last bucks on a few incenses. Really, I'm broke”.

  
 “I can pay for the both of us!” Alec insisted. “C'mon, I know you don't like that, but it's only fair since _I'm_ the one who invited you and you're short on money! It's politeness”.

  
 Magnus sighed again, but not his annoyed sigh; a sigh of surrender that immediately painted a smile on Alec's face.

  
  “Okay, _fine_ , but I'll pay you back as soon as get my paycheck!”

  
  “Yeah, whatever. Beetle-head. I can't wait” He reached in in order to kiss the boy's forehead, and then hugged him lovingly, allowing him to stay cuddled up in his arms until Maryse, Robert and Max were back from the parents meeting and he had to put on an act and pretend that Magnus was just a close friend.

  
  But at least he would have a glimpse of freedom the following day, going out with Magnus somewhere they wouldn't have to worry at all about anyone around them. No parents, no relatives, no stupid schoolmates, no landlord, not even the fear of being inconvenient to Dot. Just him and Magnus, Magnus and him. And the music in their ears.

  
 And the dozens of other sweaty gays.

 

*******

 

**Wednesday, 8 PM**

  
The loud music coming from the speakers was overwhelming as they made their way through the crowded club, Alec’s ears hearing only Kylie Minogue’s ‘la la la la la la la la’ and a bunch of indistinct chatter, his hand holding tightly to Magnus’ fingers in order to be guided by the boy.

  
  “Full house tonight” Magnus shouted at him amidst all the noise once they stopped walking. “I think I may even see some familiar faces”.

  
  “Yeah, imagine if we had come on the weekend instead” He answered, trying to sound as chill as possible, the ambient making him nervous and causing his stomach to ache a little.

  
 “Are you feeling alright?” His lover asked as if reading his thoughts, to which Alec simply nodded with an anxious smile.

  
 “Yeah, I’m ready to have some fun with you” He searched for Magnus’ shoulders and pulled him closer firmly, attacking his lips with fury as their arms traveled through each other’s backs. Soon they were making out intensely on the dance floor, Alec’s chest overwhelmed by that act so _bold,_ so _daring_ for someone as reserved as him. He could feel the dozens of eyes landing on them, a shiver running down his spine at the thought, but when they parted away from each other’s mouths, Magnus got closer to him and said:

  
 “Don’t worry, nobody’s looking. Everyone’s too busy being gay to care about other people’s gayness”.

  
  Alec shrugged and raised his eyebrows, trying to come off as confident.

 

  “Who said I was worried?”

  
 Magnus puffed at him.

  
  “I can tell it when you’re tense. You kiss me differently. Relax, okay? Wanna go grab us something to drink? The bartender knows me, he won't ask to see our IDs”

  
 He simply nodded, biting his lip, and let himself be pulled by his lover. As they moved towards the bar, Alec thought to himself:

  
 “ _Relax. You can do this. You kissed him at school, and at a crowded amusement park. These people here are just like you. There’s nothing to fear”._

  
 Maybe it was the loud music and the crazy amount of people surrounding them - it was kinda scary, being able to feel and hear such crowd around you but not being able to see them. Maybe it was the freshness and _nerve_ of the whole situation - like knowing full-well that his mom would freak out if she knew he was there. Regardless, he took a deep breath and reunited all of his inner strength in order to try and have some fun with the man of his dreams.

      It was drag night at the club, and they were going to stay there only till 11 o’clock, when the drag show would start - since, unfortunately, there wasn’t really much that Alec could appreciate in a drag performance. After that, they were going to sleep at Jace’s place - which was _very exciting_.

  
 They grabbed their drinks and went back to the dance floor, where they drank and danced together a little. Alec’s balance wasn’t as good as that of a sighted person, and the drinking, the noise and that whole bunch of people bumping into them definitely didn’t help. He felt dizzy, but he leaned on Magnus’ shoulder and allowed himself to dance the stress away. It took him a couple more drinks to do that; at first, he wasn’t feeling confident at all to move his body to the music - especially not in the way he _wanted_ to move to dance pop music, which was a way he had always learned that he should avoid and repress. But the alcohol slowly filled his veins, and Magnus was there with him, and he was _so sexy,_ and _fun,_ and _powerful_ \- Alec couldn’t see him, but he could feel his movements between his hands, and it was hard not to fall under his influence; it was like _magic._ Soon, his hips were swaying more freely, the music taking over him. The two of them made out a little more, too - actually, _a lot_ more.

  
 At some point, however, after a couple of hours, something happened and Alec let it ruin his mood in a snap of fingers. He felt Magnus distancing himself from him a little bit, and then he was talking to someone else. He couldn’t quite understand what they were saying very clearly, but he _did_ hear the other guy referring to his boyfriend as _sweetheart_ and _handsome_ in a quite _lascivious_ manner, which caused his face to immediately go warm. He didn’t know what that was about, but he instinctively pressed Magnus’ shoulders as firm as he could, pulling him closer to his chest. Their conversation seemed to end.

  
 “Who was that guy you were talking to?” He inquired, frowning.

  
 “Oh, that was just George” The boy chuckled. “We’ve met at this club a couple years ago and I used to hang out with him whenever I came here. Hadn’t seen him in a long time, though. We’ve hooked up a few times, and apparently he was hoping that we could _rekindle the flame_. Maybe he was too drunk to see that I’m here with someone, so I had to confirm it to him. He’s a fun guy, but has always been _a mess._ ”

  
 Alec forced himself to grin friendly at him, hoping that the lighting of the club and the eyeliner and eyeshadow that Magnus had carefully applied on him earlier were enough to conceal the fact that his eyes were definitely going red and wet from anxiety.

  
 “Alexander? You’re not _jealous_ , are you?”

 “ _No,_ of course not!” He tried to shake that off with a laugh. It wasn’t necessarily a lie; he wasn’t jealous - _afraid_ and _insecure_ were better words to describe how he was feeling. “I just need to go to the restroom. Do you mind showing me the way?”

 “Okay, sure”.

 He felt Magnus’ grip around his wrist and started walking as his boyfriend guided him. When they got to the restroom door, Magnus asked:

  
“Do you want me to go inside with you?”

  
 “No, it’s fine” Alec quickly declined. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right back”

  
 He opened the door and started groping in search for a stall, which wasn’t hard to find. As soon as his hands touched the cold metal, he pulled it open and went inside, keeping it just slightly open. He then stretched out his arms in front of him to check if the toilet lid was up, putting it down as soon as he felt the plastic material with his hands, proceeding to sit on top of it, his legs spread wide.

  
 He took a deep breath. It definitely didn’t smell the best in there, but the nuisance of his thoughts, his heavy chest and his anxiety-filled stomach were stronger than that on his nostrils.

  He was afraid. For a couple of hours, he had been able to enjoy that moment with Magnus, as if there was no one else in the world but the two of them, but then he suddenly remembered that _there was_. There were a lot of people right there with them. Maybe some of them saw the amazing person that Magnus was, too. Maybe Magnus saw amazing things in them as well. That shouldn’t be a problem, but it _was,_ because Alec couldn’t bring himself to feel like he was up to par, as if he had the same _appeal_ as everyone else in that club and in that world - all those _free_ , _bold_ and _unique_ people. He wasn’t quite there yet.

 He inhaled and exhaled slowly through his nose, trying to focus on not feeling dizzy and anxious anymore. Apparently, a few minutes should have passed, because he suddenly heard Magnus’ voice saying:

  “Alexander, are you okay? Please _do not_ tell me you’re taking a dump at a public restroom”.

  Alec couldn’t help but laugh. Shit, even with all the angst he was feeling he couldn’t help but to be filled with joy and relief whenever hearing that man’s voice.

 “I’m fine” He answered from behind the metal door. “I just needed a bit of time away from the crowd and the loud music. Just to take some deep breaths”.

 He heard the door being completely opened in front of him, his loved one’s perfume filling the stall and timidly softening _the other smells_.

  
 “What’s wrong?” Magnus asked him, touching his hand and then proceeding to sit on Alec’s lap, facing him, to which he reacted with a muffled guffaw.

 

  “ _Magnus_ ” He chuckled. “Are we allowed to be inside this stall together?”

  
 “It’s a gay club!” The other boy whispered. “We’re _expected_ to be inside a restroom stall together. Now tell me what’s bothering your sweet little heart”.

  
 He gently massaged both of Alec’s shoulders after saying that, and Alec almost felt a little guilty to ruin their night with sad thoughts.

  
 “It’s nothing” He said, shaking his head. “It’s just… It’s stupid”.

  
 Magnus didn’t seem to fall for that:

  
 “Not if it’s bringing frowns to your beautiful face” He said with his drunken voice. “Come on. You’re upset about the thing with George, aren’t you?”

  Alec sighed.

  
 “I’m not mad that you were talking to your ex or anything like that. I’m not _possessive_. I’m just… I guess it just hit me how much inserted in this world you are in comparison to me, you know. How you’re miles ahead, with a whole bunch of experience and acquaintances and… I’m just _me_. Just starting out in baby steps. Just this boring, plain, closeted guy who doesn’t have that much to offer. And on top of that, I can never give you what most of these people can. I can never look at you and give you the reassurance that you look beautiful, even though _I know_ you do, I can never look at how pretty and carefully you paint your nails or your face, I can never truly appreciate the effort that you put on your style, and your fashion… I can never give you that thing in romantic books where they look at each other in the eyes and just enjoy _seeing_ each other, I can’t even keep you company at a drag show without getting bored! I just… I… I guess sometimes I feel like I’m just fooling myself to think that I am enough for someone as incredible as you”.

  
  He wasn’t planning on sharing so much, but the words just slipped through his lips before he could tell. He was very close to crying by the time he was done, and when Magnus gently caressed his ear with his thumb, he felt like rubbing himself against it like a needy cat.

  
 “I’m so sorry” He told Alec, coughing. “I clearly haven’t been as effective as I should in making you feel loved and appreciated. _God,_ I suck!”

  
 “Magnus, _no!_ This is not your fault. I feel _so loved_ when I’m next to you. That’s actually why I fear that it may be… _Too good to be true_ ”.

  
 He heard the boy taking a deep breath before saying:

  
 “You have _nothing_ to fear. What we have… _No one else_ can give me that. No limitation can change the fact that _I love you_ and that you’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a person. And also, you should know that I don’t need _anyone_ to ensure me that I look fabulous, thank you very much”.

  
He chuckled, pulling Magnus closer for a much needed hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the boy he loved.

  
 “I don’t need _anything_ from _anyone_ else when I have you” He reassured Alec, his chin on the tall boy’s shoulder. “Being with a guy like you… How can I put it into words? Imagine… Imagine looking at the moon in the sky and thinking ‘Wow, it would be so cool to go to the moon’. But then not even considering that as an actual possibility, because _duh_ , it’s _the fucking moon_. Then imagine waking up the next day to find out that the NASA has decided to send you to the moon. Out of a sudden, it’s not just a dream anymore. _That_ is what it feels like. When you feel like this is too good to be true, _please_ just know that I constantly feel the same way, too. _I_ think of _you_ as too good to be true. I really do, even if you can’t see yourself in the same way. Believe me when I say that you are literally the most incredible person I have ever met”.

  
 Alec’s heart was pounding with emotion as he pulled Magnus’ face closer and glued their foreheads to one another.

  
 “God, I hate you for being so goddamn perfect and always saying the right things and making me emotional” He smiled. “I feel so dumb. I’m always telling you how you should never feel like you’re not deserving of what we have, and here I am, acting the same way”.

  The boy kissed his cheek, his stubbles slightly scratching Alec’s skin in the most pleasant feeling ever.

 “It’s okay” He said. “I guess you and I just have a lot more in common than we thought. That’s good. We have the same demons to battle. We can battle them together. I’m just glad you were honest with me”.

 Alec let out a small groan of satisfaction, and in that moment, he could almost forget that they were inside a bathroom stall.

  “Just remember, Alexander” Magnus added. “I am sitting with you inside a restroom stall with the smell of piss on my nose while _Velvet Rope_ is playing on the dance floor, just because I want you to feel okay. Implying, even for one second, that you do not mean _the world_ to me… Is borderline offensive”.

 He couldn’t help but burst into laughter at that, feeling unbelievably grateful for having someone who was always able to make him smile, no matter what.

 “You’re right, we should leave now” He agreed.

  “Do you want to go home?” Magnus asked. “I feel like you may not be having that much fun here”.

   Alec hesitated, biting his lip.

  “It’s not that I’m not having fun… I just feel weird, you know? All those cool, free, confident people just being themselves to the fullest and… I’m just not quite there yet. I feel like I wasn’t invited to this party”.

   “Well… Are you still gay?”

   “Hella” He replied with a smirk.

   “Then you’re invited to the party” Magnus said. “But I understand what you’re saying. I felt the same way when I started going to gay clubs. It definitely takes a while to feel _integrated._ But… I don’t know, I feel like you might just not be feeling the whole loud music and sweaty gays bumping into you thing”.

   Alec clicked his tongue, not wanting to be a killjoy but not wanting to lie, either.

  
   “I mean… Yeah, I guess I could use some resting under blankets in peace and quiet right now” He admitted.

    Magnus chuckled.

 “It’s alright. It’s almost 11, anyway. We can go”.

 “Are you sure you don’t wanna stay for the drag show?” He suggested, not wanting to spoil his boyfriend’s fun.

  “Nah, it’s fine. I’ve seen this queen perform before, and she’s no Katya Zamolodchikova. Maybe next time”.

   They finally left that stinky-ass restroom, moving back to the crowded dance floor - where Alec actually made them stay for a couple more songs, much to Magnus’ surprise. It hadn’t been a total lackluster of an experience, in the end; he did have a great time, for the most part, and he definitely didn’t regret choosing that as their “farewell” date for that year. When they laid down together at the inflatable mattress at Jace’s living room, however, Magnus cuddled up in between his arms, he did feel great about being quiet and in silence; even though the quiet didn’t last that long because soon Alec was texting Jace telling him to hold on a little longer on his date with Clary so that he and Magnus could have some _intimate time -_ which was _even better_ than their first time, by the way.

   A few hours later, in the middle of the night, Alec woke up with a question on his mind. He gently nudged Magnus’ shoulder in order to wake the boy up.

  “Hm? What is it?” He inquired in his groggy voice.

   “How do you say ‘I love you’ in Indonesian?” He knew Magnus had learned some Indonesian from his family while growing up.

   “ _What?_ You woke me up just to ask that?” His boyfriend grumbled at him.

   “ _I’m just curious”_ He insisted. “How do you say it?”

  Magnus grunted one last time before answering:

 “ _Aku cinta kamu._ Is that all?”

  “Yeah. _Aku cinta kamu_ ” He repeated the words back at the boy in a whisper.

  “I love you, too. You’re unbelievable, you know” Magnus said, moving himself on the mattress so that his head was now laid against Alec’s chest. Alec embraced him again, kissing him on the forehead and stroking his hair as he fell back asleep in his arms.

 “ _Aku cinta kamu_ ”.

 Before going back to sleep, he mentally thanked Magnus for being so comprehensive and generous about all of his closet panics and struggles. For being so patient with him. The last few months of the year had been amazing, and that had definitely been a closure worthy of it all. _Damn,_ he hadn’t even started his week in Delaware yet and he couldn’t wait for it to end already. He couldn’t wait for the next year, to building new memories with Magnus, to going to new places, making new plans, having more deep conversations, watching more shows together - heck, he couldn’t even wait for college, to getting a job, to building a safe home for the two of them.

  He couldn’t wait to fly them to the moon.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm so powerful! My mind, ugh, it amazes me sometimes" - me after naming a gay club The Seelie Realm  
> ugh this chapter made me so emo I love our boys so much I can't :'o
> 
> ok so I am Jasmine Masters and I have some things to say:
> 
> I gotta be honest with you guys, during the time that has passed between the last chapter and this one, a lot of times I was like "nah I better not post another chapter now, everyone's feeling too many feelings with malec on the show already, maybe I should wait", like all the PAIN and emotions my gay ass heart had to endure watching the last few episodes inspired me to write my ass off, but I was unsure about the timing? you know what i mean, just because I knew this next chapter would be so BTS - boy with luv while at the show they're being all blackpink - kill this love, it made me almost kinda guilty? but honestly, after the absolute garbage that was 2x19 I was like yiiikes. fuck Freeform lives, we all deserve some fluffy malec content right now. and what's the point of fanfiction at the end of the day if not giving us what we're missing from the original material amirite? with that being said, I don't need to remind y'all that we still do have some dark stuff to solve here so please do not come for my neck when the angst returns because the darkness must come to light at some point and I actually feel like I've postponed it a little longer than expected so hgjfklfk but anyways! what i can promise you guys is not to give you a half-assed underwhelming series of final chapters and not to do our malec hearts dirty ((unlike some folks)), my job here is to make malec stans warm and fuzzy inside and that ain't never gonna change! soooo you know the deal, tell me what you thought of this chapter and I hope you guys are enjoying it as much as I enjoy writing them, byeee
> 
> P.S.: no i could not pass the opportunity to stick the aku cinta kamu thing on the story! what can i say sometimes the shtv writers deserve rights 
> 
> P.S. 2: I just noted that I've accidentaly started a tendence on this story of Alec chapters being happier and Magnus chapters being gloomier? hgjfkl wassup with that? it wasn't intentional I swear
> 
> P.S. 3: I love how this story has now literally become about me evolving into a cheesier version of myself EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER and giving y'all hopeless romantics more slobbery chapters every time, and what about it?? just wanted to point out
> 
> P.S. 4: MALEC STANS WE HAVE THE DUTY to make a fanvideo of magnus and alec in the last couple episodes to i'll never love again by lady gaga and bradley cooper!! like, this video just NEEDS to exist, but I don't have THE GUTS nor the talent to do it so I thought I'd put this idea out there somewhere. now the mission is on you editors (UPDATE: it has been made and I'm literally sobbing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-5L3FXBkq8 )


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Lay me down in your ocean  
> Carry me and my burden  
> I was dreaming about you, honey  
> I was hoping you'd save me  
> And the shot goes through my head and back  
> Gunshot, can't take it back  
> My heart cracked, really loved you bad  
> Gunshot, I'll never get you back  
> And I ache, while you're not here  
> Feel you aching  
> Wide awake, why you're not here  
> I can feel you firing straight into my heart'

**Thursday, 10:30 AM**

  
  


“Are you sure this resume’s impressive enough?” Alec inquired once again, sounding unsure. They jumped off the subway through the automatic doors, stepping into the loud and crowded station, Magnus’ left hand guiding his boyfriend by the arm while his right one held the folder filled with papers. 

“Yes, _ I told you _ , Alexander! I can work  _ magic  _ with my words” He reassured the other boy, rushing both of their steps towards the exit and straying from the people passing around. “I wrote that, despite your lack of experience, you’re a very well-rounded, well-educated young man with knowledge of quite a few foreign languages and the bases of Law, a remarkable cultural baggage, impressive social skills, experience on acting, a wit for learning new things, an appreciation for order and organization, a disposition to follow rules and, most of all, a great willingness to help”. 

When he was done with his speech, they were already walking through the chaotic streets of the city, all filled up with snow, as well as Christmas lights and decorations. Magnus picked up his cellphone again in order to check Google Maps and make sure he knew how to get to their destination. It told them to cross the street, so he stopped their walking, looking to both sides of the road.

_ "Impressive social skills? _ Okay, some of those were a reach” Alec chuckled as they made their way to the other side when the traffic lights turned red. “And you know my lack of experience is not my only…  _ Hindrance”. _

“Well, everybody  _ reaches _ on their resume. That’s kind of the whole point. And your disability is not a hindrance to working” Magnus argued. “There’s a lot of things you can do as your first job. You can talk to people, you can pick up calls, you can organize information, heck, you can even treat wounds with deodorant and use a knife in the kitchen! Don’t think lesser of yourself, ‘cause you  _ are  _ pretty skilled in a lot of things”. 

Alec bit his lip and raised his eyebrows, not seeming so convinced. 

“Maybe so. But you know that, for a lot of people, that's not gonna be the most important detail”. 

Magnus sighed, looking at him and feeling his heart ache. The tall boy was wearing his round sunglasses - he'd told Magnus it was very important that he put them on before they left for their quest; since his blindness wasn't really a resume information, but it  _ was _ a relevant detail for a potential employer, the glasses would work as a visual signifier to it - especially in that freezing, cloudy December weather, with not one ray of sunlight in sight. Both of them feared that they wouldn't get  _ receptive _ reactions, but they  _ had _ to try. 

“Hey, try to be positive, ok?” Magnus tightened his grip around the boy's wrist. “We're only just beginning. I told you that, before you left for Christmas in Delaware, we would go hunting for your first job and we'd get you  _ at least one _ call for an interview, so that's what we're gonna do. Alright? Trust me”. 

Alec twisted his lips and then nodded timidly with a cute little grin.

“I trust you” He assured Magnus. “More than anyone in the world”. 

Magnus’ mind went to dark places upon hearing that, and guilt filled his stomach, but he shook it off and kept going, getting closer to their destination. 

Their first stop was at a retail store, where they were positively surprised to be received with absolute warmth; they had one of Alec's resumes picked up by a very friendly lady who, looking at the tall boy, showed no sign of discrimination - not in front of them, at least. Perhaps because retail could  _ always  _ use a little bit more of workforce, she didn't hesitate to take his resume just like she'd probably take that of any sighted person. 

Feeling like they were off to a good start, they left the store and headed to a nearby flower shop next. 

“Good morning” They were greeted by the young lady at the counter as soon as they walked in, a small bell ringing when they opened and closed the glass door. 

“Hello” Magnus said with a cordial smile with Alec by his arm, heading the two of them closer to the counter. 

“We're, um…  _ I'm _ looking for a job” The tall one quickly said with a cough just as Magnus was opening his mouth to speak. He smiled, glad to see his boyfriend displaying some confidence. “You know, just a half-time thing for a student who hasn't really worked before… In case you have anything I could help with. Would you take my resume?” 

He finished his request with one more awkward cough, and Magnus gently squeezed his arm, trying to make him less tense. 

“Uh… Yeah, of course” The woman said, not without stammering a bit, which caused Magnus to raise a brow. Regardless, he grinned politely at her and let go of Alec's arm in order to open the folder and hand her one of the papers, which she took with a cold expression. 

“Thank you. Have a nice day”.

Just as they were turning around to leave, Magnus’ eyes still on her, he noticed something suspicious; she hadn't put Alec's resume on the “Resumes” box by her left - instead, she tossed it aside and put it with a pile of scraps of paper to her right, and it didn't seem like they were headed to anywhere but the trash can.

 “Um… Excuse me” He said as he turned to face her again, and Alec looked with confusion at him. “Won't you put his resume on the box? You know, the one for resumes?” 

  She raised her eyebrows at Magnus and opened her mouth, awkwardly. 

  “Oh, right” She chuckled, an annoying little chuckle that made Magnus’ blood boil. He stood still, not taking his eyes from her until she had finally picked the paper, folded it in half and slid it inside the resumes box. “There you go”.

_ "Thank you very much _ ” He said with his teeth clenched before tapping Alec on the shoulder so they left again. 

  “She's going to toss it in the trash, isn't she?” Alec said with dismay as they got to the outside, moving through the sidewalk towards the street. 

  “She  _ was going to _ . But now she won't be able to identify which resume's yours next time she opens the box, so… It'll be read, at least”. 

  The other boy sighed, and Magnus bit his lip. 

  “Don't be upset” He gently caressed his boyfriend's wrist with his thumb. “Someone  _ will _ want to employ you, eventually. They may have their prejudices when they first set eyes on you, but they just have to read your resume, and then they'll see how useful you can be”. 

  Next, they went to a bookstore - a very nice, vintage place which was filled with young people, both workers in uniforms and customers. There was a fireplace filling the environment with a pleasant heat, and the lights were just the perfect amount of bright, but still dim enough to create a cozy atmosphere. 

  “I think you would _love_ to work in this place” Magnus pointed out, slowly walking them towards the service desk a few feet away. When they got there, he took a quick look at Alec, but the tall boy stood still, not opening his mouth to speak, so Magnus coughed and introduced himself to the attendant with a bright smile:

  “Good morning. Are you guys taking resumes? My friend here is looking for his first job”.

  The bald man looked up to the two of them from behind his round, thick glasses with a notably fake grin.

  “Oh, sorry, we’re already full on our disability employment quota for now. Maybe next month”. 

  Magnus took a deep breath, reuniting every fiber of strength in his being in order not to shout at him. By his side, Alec had his head down and a pout on his lips, which caused Magnus’ face to  _ burn _ with anger.

  “Well, he's not just a  _ disabled _ person, you know” He clenched his teeth. “He's also a very skilled, competent young man who has quite a few things to offer and deserves a chance just like anyone else. So will you,  _ please _ , just take his resume for consideration,  _ sir?”  _

  His lover pressed him on the shoulder, as if telling him to calm down, but Magnus was just  _ so pissed _ ; why couldn't Alec just get a chance, like any other person? Why should there be a  _ limit _ for employees like him and why should he have to wait until that  _ limit  _ wasn't full anymore? He had just as much potential as anyone else - probably even more than Magnus  _ himself. _ He was smart, educated, sociable enough - lack of sight was literally his  _ only _ limitation; he could still do  _ a lot _ of things. 

  The attendant sighed at them, as if they were the ones being assholes, not him. Keeping a straight face, he repeated:

  “My apologies, mister, but we really can't take your resume right now. Once again, I suggest that you apply in a month or two”. 

  “Magnus, it's okay…” Alec whispered, although sounding upset.

  Inhaling deeply through his nose, Magnus simply twisted his lips in utter disgust. Grabbing his boyfriend by the arm again, he looked around the place with judging eyes before saying:

  “I don't think we'll be coming back next month, no. It's all very  _ tacky _ in here, anyway. Have a nice day”. 

 

  “You know, you didn't have to defend me like an angry dog” Alec said as soon as they left the bookstore, the cold breeze of the streets embracing them again. “I appreciate it, but I don't need it. I'm not a child”.

  Magnus frowned at him, momentarily offended, but then he understood. Obviously, being treated as a child in need of protection was something that the boy was  _ exhausted  _ of. 

  “I'm sorry. It's not that I think you  _ need _ it” He explained, still not moving. “I just know that you will  _ always _ choose to avoid confrontations, no matter what - even if you have to bottle your feelings. I know these situations are uncomfortable to you, that's why I went off, because that jerk  _ had  _ to hear some stuff-” 

  “I know, I know” Alec interrupted him and sighed. “I do tend to bottle things up sometimes.  _ Thank you  _ for standing up for me. But sometimes it's just a matter of picking the right battles, you know? What did we get from you getting stressed? I mean, it may not even be that guy's decision to make, he's probably just following orders…” 

  “Yeah, you're right, but  _ fuck _ ” Magnus exhaled. They had started walking, and it was now Alec who had his hand held tightly around his arm. “It makes me  _ so mad _ . People are just so… They just have  _ no empathy _ ”. 

 “I don't wanna do this if it's gonna make you angry, ok?” His loved one said, worried. “Please promise me you'll calm down. ‘Cause you know it won't be the last time. And if you're gonna get this stressed every time-” 

  “Don’t worry about me” He quickly cut the tall boy off. “Yes, I'm furious, but I can handle it. It'll pass. But you can't tell me that  _ you're  _ not upset as well. I know you are, I saw it in your face”. 

  Alec licked his lips and put his free hand on the pocket of his jeans.

  “I mean, of course, but I'm used to it. It's no breaking news that, to the world, I'm pretty much  _ useless  _ and  _ unimportant. _ ”

  “Well, in  _ my  _ world, you're the most important thing there is” Magnus pointed out desperately, his heart aching as he pronounced every word as firmly as he could. “And I'm sure you're far from  _ useless _ for quite a few other people, too - Izzy, and Jace, and Max, and Maryse… So just keep that in mind, okay? ‘Cause the way our system works… If you’re not  _ producing _ anything, or if you can’t produce in the exact way they expect you to, they’ll try and make you believe that you don’t matter, or that you’re less. But that’s just not the truth, alright? You are brilliant, and incredible, and you have  _ so many _ great things to offer to this world… I’m  _ sure _ it’s just a matter of time before everyone else sees the amazing things that every single person in your life does already”.

  Alexander opened his mouth and breathed out slow. 

  “What did I  _ ever _ do to deserve you?” He said, which caused Magnus to tingle pleasantly from his shoulders to his toes and a rush of blood to flood his cheeks. “Please remind me to give you one breathtaking kiss later for this, ok?”

  “As if you needed a reminder” Magnus puffed teasingly. “You’re obsessed with my silky lips”.

   He was immensely pleased that he was able to get a chuckle out of the boy he loved.

  “Well… No arguing from me on that”.

They took a couple more subway trips, and their next stops were at a pet shop, a nail salon and an accounting office - luckily, all three places took in Alec’s resume with no hesitation, which was definitely a very positive surprise; the clerk at the accounting office even appeared to be quite impressed by the boy’s range of knowledge, and it was amazing to go back home by the end of the morning seeing a brighter expression on his beautiful face. He deserved  _ the world,  _ and Magnus just wished that he could give it to him on a silver platter.

  Alec left town on Friday morning, and Magnus wished that they could have hugged each other one last time before he got on the plane, but it was kind of a long trip from his place to the airport, and he didn’t have a lot of money to spare. Still, they stayed on the phone until the very last minute before the takeoff, and then they kept on texting each other for as long as Alec could keep his phone turned on during the flight. Magnus was telling him jokes in order to try and get him to relax - his boyfriend was always anxious about flights. 

  That’s what all of the next few days were like; they would spend hours on the phone - or texting, when Magnus didn’t want his phone bills to get too high -, just sharing things about their days, what they had been up to, things that made one think of the other, and how much they missed one another. They were on Winter break, so they were free to talk to each other pretty much all the time, except for when Magnus was working at the drugstore - he took advantage of his break from school to work a few extra hours in order to raise his paycheck - or when Alec’s family insisted that he got off his phone and spent some time being social with them. Talking to him was the first thing Magnus did every morning when he woke up and the last thing he did every night before falling asleep; still, having to go that long without being able to touch him, smell him, kiss him and  _ feel  _ him by his side was turning into  _ torment _ . Anxiety could start eating him from the inside to think that he’d  _ still _ have to wait till Christmas  _ and  _ New Year’s had passed in order to remember what it felt like to be around the love of his life.

  It also made him deeply afraid for himself - being away from his no. 1 source of light and joy meant that he was even more susceptible to relapsing into his dark habits. He just hoped that Dot could help him deal with the longing so it wouldn’t pass so slowly.

  
  


*******

**Saturday, 11 AM**

 

Sitting by one of the few empty tables at the restaurant, Magnus grabbed the chopsticks and started eating the food on his plate. After only a few bites, though, he began to feel anxious, so he picked up his cellphone from his pocket and checked the time. “He must be up”, he thought, proceeding to dial the only number he had dialed on the last days. They hadn’t talked to each other since Thursday morning - Magnus missed him like crazy, and he had something exciting to share.

  Alec picked it up in less than a second.

  “I was literally opening my mouth to tell my phone to call you when it started ringing” He chuckled with his precious joyful voice. “How’s it going? I miss you”.

  “I’m disappointed. You didn’t think of calling me till 11 AM? You can do better next time” Magnus joked, smiling from ear to ear. “A damsel can only wait for so long”. 

  “Oh, shut up, you know I’ve spent the last 48 hours  _ dying _ to call you. But my mom was truly a pain in the ass about wanting me to  _ immerse fully  _ in our family Christmas time”.

  “She’s right” He pondered. “She probably needs you a lot right now. Try to understand”. 

  Not that  _ he _ didn’t need Alec just as bad in order not to fully collapse into a spiral of darkness, he thought, but he couldn’t be selfish.

  “I know” Alec sighed. “It was actually quite enjoyable, you know. She’s in a good mood lately, except for when she collapses into emotional crisis, and grandma’s really fun to be around. I just wish you were here, too”.

  “You’re such a  _ momma’s boy,  _ you know. Like, in a really lovely way. I find it adorable when you’re being all family-oriented” Magnus couldn’t help but confess, his heart warm.

  “Magnus, _stop it!_ You’re making it _really_ _torturing_ not being able to kiss you right now” The other boy giggled, and then coughed. “So how did Christmas go for you guys?” 

  They proceeded to spend the next few minutes discussing the details of how each of them had spent their holidays - Alec, despite having spent it with his family in a quite mundane celebration, had a lot more interesting stuff to tell than Magnus, who’d spent Christmas’ eve binge-watching How to Get Away with Murder under blankets with Dot, a bucket of fried chicken and a cheap sparkling wine, and then slept in all day on the 25th while the girl was away to spend time with her relatives. They also went over their respective plans for New Year’s Eve - to which, again, Magnus didn’t have anything too exciting in mind, except maybe going to The Seelie Realm to watch some drag shows - until he decided to finally tell his boyfriend what he was dying to tell:

  “So, I’ve been in touch with my good old friend Ragnor Fell, you know”.

  “The one that teaches History?” Alec asked. 

  “Yeah. He’s been giving private classes to kids, and he said he could really use an assistant, you know... Someone to help him organize his classes, his subjects, his schedule, his materials… And obviously, I said I just happened to have a very special significant other who’s a History nerd, great at organizing stuff and is looking for a job experience. Needless to say, he was  _ thrilled  _ to know that”.

  The sweet music that was Alexander’s chuckles of excitement hit Magnus’ ear softly and made it tingle.

  “Magnus,  _ for real?  _ Wait, does he know--”

  “Yes, and he doesn’t care. It makes no difference, he’d still very much appreciate your help. And he’s a generous payer, too, mind you. I’ll text you his contact info, ok? And spoiler alert, the job’s pretty much yours already, Ragnor owes me a few.”

  “God, I hope this works out” He exhaled.  “I’ll call him as soon as I can. Thank you _ so much _ , angel. You’re truly a blessing in my life”.

  With his hand on his chin, Magnus could just stay there, forever drowning in those words, but he snapped himself out of it and said:

  “Well, I should probably get going now. My lunch’s getting cold, and you know Luke takes personal offense when we waste his food. I also have a few weeks’ worth of accumulated homework to catch up on”.

  “Wait, you’re at the Jade Wolf? I’m  _ hurt _ that you’d go there without me. I thought this was  _ our _ place!”  Alec said, jokingly.

_ "Shut up, _ you don’t even like Chinese food!”

  “Well, maybe I cherish the  _ memories  _ we’ve been building there. But do you really have to go now? I missed talking to you so much! Can’t you stay just a little longer?” He sounded like a needy child, and Magnus giggled before sighing at him.

_ "Yes, _ Alexander, I have to go! We can text each other once I’m finished with it all, ok? You can handle it”.

_ "Ugh, fine.  _ Cold-hearted snake. I love you  _ so, so, so _ much”.

  “I love you more than you could even imagine. Bye”.

  He hung up and stared at his phone with a huge smile for a little while longer. Before continuing his meal, he couldn’t resist the urge to text the boy:

  “Can you take a selfie for me right now, please? I wanna see what you look like today”.

  He patiently waited for a reply, not moving a single muscle.

  “Ugh, not too good” The text from Alec said. “But if you insist… You know taking selfies it’s not my strong suit, though. You’ll be lucky if I even manage to photograph my face and not the wall or something else”.

  In a few seconds, a photo was sent; a blurry picture in which Magnus could only see half of Alec’s face, with an exaggerated zoom, and a purple stuffed toy next to him on the bed.

  “Madzie says hi” He texted again. “She misses you too. Is it an okay selfie?”

  Magnus chuckled, feeling all cozy inside.

  “It’s perfect. Thank you. Love you”

  He then proceeded to make the blurry selfie his new wallpaper, smiling uncontrollably, before picking up the chopsticks again to focus on eating.

  When he was finally done, he was surprised by Luke approaching him before he could get up to leave:

  “Hey, Magnus” The tall, strong man said with his deep yet friendly voice. “Long time no see”

  “Lucian! It’s been a while indeed” He said with a smile. 

  “Before I forget to tell you - Haven’t you been in touch with your grandfather? Because he was here a few days ago, asking about you”.

  Magnus’ heart dropped out of his chest onto the floor, an intense shiver running down his spine. He started breathing heavily.

  “Oh, he- he was?” He coughed, trying to sound chill. 

  “Yeah, he said he expected to find you here. Asked me if I’d seen you here with someone, too. I just told him you hadn’t been around in a while. Is there something going on?” He inquired, confused.

  “Oh, no, don’t worry. It’s nothing. Thanks for telling me, though. I need to go now”. 

  He turned around and left in a hurry, feeling as if he could fall to the ground at any moment on his way back to the apartment. His heart was pounding, his veins filled with agony. It was as if there were walls closing in on him, leaving him with no choices to escape. 

  His grandfather knew he’d been attending the Jade Wolf. The old man had been there  _ himself _ that very week, trying to find out if Magnus had been  _ fulfilling his part of the deal.  _ What if he had gone sooner? What if Alec wasn’t out of town and they had gone there together on that particular day? 

  Their safe spaces were being taken away one by one. Soon he wouldn’t be able to see Alec at all without putting him at risk anymore - maybe not even in school.  _ Fucking hell,  _ why couldn’t that piece of shit just move on with his life? Why did he have to  _ stalk _ Magnus like a psycho, always on the lurk, waiting for the moment when the boy would slip up and he’d be able to pounce? 

   But he wouldn’t give that disgusting man the satisfaction, no. If he wanted Magnus to behave, than he would behave. Anything to keep Alec safe and sound. What Magnus was  _ not  _ going to do was fulfill the old man’s sadistic expectations - the day when he finally bumped into the two boys together would  _ never  _ come. He wouldn’t allow that. God, Magnus couldn’t even bring himself to think about what he would do to Alec if that happened. It was too  _ unbearable  _ for his mind to even consider it. 

  Heck, even their little job search that other day had been a reckless move, now that he stopped to think about it - even though they’d only wandered around through a part of the city where his grandfather didn’t usually go. But still, who knows how deep he could be into his madness quest to catch them in the act? 

  Magnus closed his eyes as he took the subway home, taking deep breaths as he felt the nausea taking over him.

  From then on, they would only meet again at Jace’s place, he decided - at least while it was still safe. He knew it was only a matter of time before that was also out of question. Then it would be over. The moment that he feared so much - the moment when he would finally have to face the truth that he and Alec couldn’t be together anymore - was approaching him like a timebomb. He could  _ hear _ it getting closer and closer every day, and it slowly killed him inside. 

  But he wouldn’t stress about that in advance, no. The great pain would come mercilessly, but for now, he just needed to be more careful and pretend that everything was fine.

  Until it was not. 

_ Tik, tok, tik, tok.  _

  
  


*******

 

**Friday, 7 PM**

 

Magnus felt like his heart was melting onto the floor as the front door to Jace’s apartment was opened in front of him and Alec’s lips met his in an intense, heated kiss that lasted way longer than expected.

  “ _God,_ I missed you _so_ _much_ ” The tall boy wrapped him in his arms as tightly as ever, placing his head on Magnus’ shoulder. “I’m sorry that you couldn’t come earlier. Mom wanted me to help her unpack the bags”.

  “It’s okay” He said, breathing slowly with euphoria as he pulled away from the hug in order to caress Alec’s cheek. He tried to keep the scary thoughts away so he could cherish some time with his amazing boyfriend - since their time together seemed to be inevitably coming to an end. “So how did your New Year’s go? Do you wanna sit down and watch  _ Charmed?" _

  Alec frowned at him as he tied their hands together, as if sensing something wrong - as usual.

  “Are you okay? You sound a little tense”.

  “I’m fine, just tired” Magnus answered almost automatically. “It’s been a rough couple of days at work, and not having you around made it a little harder”.

  “Aw, poor baby” He teased while gluing their foreheads together affectionately. “Well, I’m here now. And Jace will be gone all night, so it’s just you and me… and Netflix”.

  They kissed one more time, and Magnus had to try his best not to  _ fall to his knees  _ from the amount of passion and relief he was feeling to be with his Alexander again. 

  “So…  _ Charmed?" _ He suggested again as they both dropped to the couch, kicking off their shoes and cuddling in each other. 

  “I mean… You know I’m more of a  _ Buffy  _ gay” Alec noted, biting his lip, to which Magnus rolled his eyes.

  “I can’t stand  _ Buffy _ since that utterly disappointing 6th season” He sighed, thinking. “Perhaps  _ Sabrina the Teenage Witch,  _ then? I haven’t watched any episode since you left”.

  “Fair enough” Alec agreed, placing a sweet peck on his cheek. 

  “Are you using a different shampoo? You smell different” Magnus pointed out halfway through the episode, stroking his lover’s messy hair and causing him to blush.

  “Yeah, my old one was finished and I couldn’t find it anymore. Sorry, I know you liked to borrow it from me every once in a while”.

  “Oh, but this one smells good, too” He smiled. “And, actually, um… You don’t know this, ‘cause I was keeping my feelings for you as buried as possible at the time, but… It wasn’t really about me liking the shampoo. I asked you for it just because I wanted to smell like you, I guess. Awkward, right?”

  His boyfriend started giggling uncontrollably. 

  “Hey, don’t laugh, asshole!” Magnus protested, blushing.

_ "No way! _ Are you serious? Oh, my God. That’s so adorable. Truly the cutest thing ever. And I was absolutely clueless!” 

  “You were, and so was I. And look at us now”. 

   “I know” Alec smiled tenderly, both of them no longer able to pay attention to the TV. “Well, I guess that makes me feel a little less embarrassed about the real reason why I borrowed some of your nail polish that one time”. 

  Magnus frowned, confused.

_ "What?  _ That wasn’t for Isabelle? Don’t tell me you went sniffing them after I warned you not to!”

  “No,  _ I didn’t _ ! I’d just paint those stripes with it on a sheet of paper and keep it around, but not like,  _ up my nose.  _ Just so your smell would always be close. I was  _ craving _ it, and I didn’t have that much access to the original source the way I do now, okay? Don’t judge me!” 

  “I’m not  _ judging _ you” He said, his words coming out shaky from how hard he was giggling. “But couldn’t you have asked me for some of my sandalwood incenses instead?”

  “I- I don’t know. I guess? I’m kinda  _ dumb”.  _ Alec noticed, beginning to laugh just as hard. 

  “I’m living for these twists. Do you have any other confessions to make? Any other embarrassing tale from our  _ requited unrequited _ phase?”

  The tall boy joined his eyebrows, thoughtful, Magnus’ arms on his shoulders.

  “Maybe. But I think it’s your turn now. I can’t be the only one to embarrass myself”.

  Magnus sighed, biting his lip and searching for something in his memory. 

  “Alright. Perhaps I should admit that I didn’t actually need that much help with our History test on the Cold War… But, you know, having you teach me was definitely more interesting than studying for it by myself”.

  “Oh, I knew that” Alec puffed, much to Magnus’ surprise. “I mean, at the time, I didn’t, but then when we had the test and your score was  _ way higher  _ than mine… I just put two and two together. Luckily, we were already together by the point I figured that out, so I didn’t have to ask you about it. I was just like ‘okay, this smart-ass definitely just wanted some private classes with me. cute’”.

  “Guilty as charged” He approached the other boy in order to kiss his cheek. 

  “Well, I’m definitely a little guilty of pretending to need more help than I actually did, too. Remember when you were coaching me for the play?”

_ "Wait...  _ Are you saying you didn’t  _ actually _ need all of those repetitions and reinforcements?”

  “No! I  _ did  _ need some of them, ok? Just not  _ all  _ of them… How can you blame me for wanting a bit more touches from you?”

  “Oh, I don’t” Magnus grinned, gently running his hands through Alec’s chest. “It was just as pleasant for me as it was for you, trust me”.

  One more passionate kiss was all it took for Magnus’ worries to disappear momentarily. But then, as if to remind him not to forget about his misery, they were interrupted by the ringing of a phone. 

  “Incoming call from Maryse” The robotic female voice informed them as they pulled away from each other. Alec quickly picked up the cellphone from the center table and put it to his ear.

  “Hello, mom”. His face went from peace and calm to apparent distress in a few seconds as he listened to whatever it was Maryse was saying on the other side. “Mom, stop! Calm down, ok?  _ Please stop yelling!" _

  “What’s wrong?” Magnus asked, his heart pounding. “Did something happen to Isabelle?” 

 “No, don’t worry. Just wait a second, yeah?” He whispered, getting up from the couch and slowly walking towards the kitchen while still throwing calming words at his mother. It was almost like he didn’t want Magnus to hear their conversation, which definitely unsettled him a lot. Suddenly, all his piece was gone and all of the sad thoughts were back into his head.

  A couple of minutes passed before Alec was back at the living room, where Magnus was still sitting down, not moving a single muscle, waiting for an explanation. And  _ fuck,  _ his boyfriend’s eyes were wet. 

  “Um, my mom, she…” He sighed deeply, clearly trying his hardest not to start crying. “Apparently, Clary accidentally let it slip up in the middle of a conversation that we were out at a club together that night while the two of them were at a date… It’s not her fault, of course, I guess things just start  _ slipping _ when you have so many secrets. She didn’t mention it was a  _ gay  _ club, luckily, but um… Maryse’s still very upset that I would go to a club with you without telling her”. 

  He sniffed, rubbing his hands against one another while apparently searching for the right words to use. Magnus felt dizzy.

  “She… She says she knows that I lied to her a lot of times before in order to hang out with you without her permission, and… She said all this stuff about you being a bad influence, which doesn’t really matter. She doesn’t want me to...  _ hang out  _ with you anymore. So I guess we’ll have to figure out a way to be even more  _ discreet.  _ We can do that, right? I mean, we’ve been doing this for a long time. I’m sure we’ll find a way. It’s no big deal”.

  Magnus exhaled slowly and painfully through his mouth as he put both of his hands on his forehead and tears began to form at the corner of his eyes. This was it. The moment of reckoning was upon then. And it hadn’t been brought by his grandfather, but hurried out by Maryse, something he hadn’t seen coming at all - it was like a sick joke from the universe. He could imagine God pointing his finger at him at that very moment, saying “Got ya!”. 

_ This was it.  _ There was no escaping anymore. No tiptoeing their way around the situation. They had ran out of solutions, caught at a dead end. 

_ "'We can do that?’  _ Alexander, how can you be so  _ naive? _ There is  _ nothing  _ we can do anymore.  _ Nothing.  _ We’ve tried to sweep it under the rug for too long,  _ I  _ have tried to sweep it under the rug for too long… But we can’t. Can’t you see that?”

   Alec was now panting in desperation, and that hurt Magnus like a thousand knives, but he  _ had  _ to do the only thing that was left for him to do. 

  “Magnus,  _ stop!  _ What the hell are you saying?”

   It took him a few seconds to be able to say that out loud; to open his mouth and pronounce the answer to that question. And when he did, it felt like he was about to throw up.

  “We can’t see each other anymore, Alec. We  _ have  _ to break up”.

_ Tik, tok. _

_    Boom _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hate letters are to be sent to my inbox on bolshebitch.tumblr.com xoxo  
> lol just kidding please don't hate me guys =( please hold on to hope


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been running, I’ve been running for a while  
> For a while  
> I’ve been running, I’ve been running for a while  
> For a while
> 
> These running shoes weigh me down  
> These running shoes are wearing out  
> This running...

**Friday, 7:30 PM**

 

Alec immediately felt his head aching, his heart pounding in his chest and anxiety filling his body.

_   “What? _ What the hell are you saying?” Panting, he approached his boyfriend carefully and, crouching down in front of the sofa, reached in to touch his legs. “Magnus,  _ stop, _ okay? It's not that big of a deal! We just have to… We just… I--”

  “We just have to  _ what, _ Alexander?” Magnus cut him off sharply. “Tell me.  _ How on Earth  _ could we possibly get through this?”

  “I don't know!” Alec's voice was shaky and fragile. He was feeling  _ hurt. _ “But we can get through  _ anything  _ together!”

  He gently caressed Magnus’ thighs, as if desperately trying to convince him, but the boy didn't even hesitate when snapping back at him:

_“Together?_ Alec, we can't even _be_ _together_ anywhere anymore!” He then took a deep sigh, beginning to sound more _hurt_ than harsh, which hit Alec's heart like a knife and pushed his tears forward. “It was one thing to have to hide our actual relationship status, but now Maryse doesn't even want you _anywhere_ _near me_. We can't be together at Dot's apartment, we can't be together at your house or anywhere your mom knows about, not even the Jade Wolf's safe anymore… _What_ can we do?” 

   Alec frowned with confusion.      

  “What do you mean the Jade Wolf is not safe?” He asked. “What happened?” 

  Suddenly, Magnus seemed to not know what to say, as if he'd been caught off guard or shared something he wasn't supposed to share. He sucked his teeth, not answering Alec, so he inquired him again, more firmly: 

_ “Magnus.  _ What is it that you're not telling me?” 

  The boy puffed a few times, as if he was trying to speak but couldn't manage to. Alec grabbed both of his hands and kept on waiting for an answer, worried. 

  Finally, after exhaling slowly and intensely through his mouth, Magnus said:

  “Dot's landlord is not the real reason why you can't go see me at our place” His voice was painfully brittle, as if it was extremely hard for him to tell Alec that. “That thing about him being a homophobe… I made it up because I didn't want you to be scared”. 

  “Then  _ what  _ is it? Why do you think I'd be scared?” He pressured Magnus again, but then, in the blink of an eye, he put two and two together in his mind. Dot's apartment wasn't safe for them to be together anymore, and neither was the Jade Wolf… There was only one thing - one  _ person - _ his boyfriend could be talking about. His blood started boiling with hatred at the mere thought.

  “How the hell did he find out?” He asked, before clenching his teeth. “I'm gonna  _ kill _ that bastard with my bare hands”. 

  “No, you won't!” Magnus touched both of his shoulders intensely. “That man's unstable, and violent, and  _ dangerous _ , Alec. All he has to do is find you alone somewhere, and then I don't even wanna  _ think _ about what he could do!”

  “Well, then I'll get my parents to help you put him in jail, or get a restraining order, or something!” He got up as he talked, desperate, his heart feeling like a sledgehammer. “You can't just sit down and let that son of a bitch keep on threatening you and ruining your life, Magnus!”

  “Well then  _ what am I supposed to do?”  _ The other boy shouted at him, sounding completely  _ broken _ in a way he had never sounded before, and Alec's heart was ripped right off his chest and destroyed into a million pieces, his eyes drowning in tears. “How can your parents help me if they don't even wanna  _ hear  _ about me? If they think I'm ruining your brilliant life or something?” 

  Alec swallowed dry, feeling the air getting thinner inside his lungs, his stomach twisting and turning; because he knew what the answer to that was. He  _ knew _ there was a way to try and get Maryse to understand why he'd been lying so much about everything that involved Magnus, and even though they couldn't be sure of how she'd deal with it,  _ there was _ a chance that she'd be understanding and willing to help - and Alec had the power to test that possibility by just being  _ honest _ . 

  But  _ fuck,  _ it was so scary.  _ Terrifying,  _ in fact. He started taking deep breaths repeatedly, as if he was about to throw up at any moment - which maybe he was, actually.

  “Listen” His lover said with a calmer tone of voice, but still brittle. “We’ll both be safe as long we stay apart. He promised me that. He’s willing to move on with his miserable life under that one condition. And now that your mother has my face on a dartboard… It’s our only choice”.

  As Magnus finished saying that, he was starting to sob - he was clearly trying to conceal it, but Alec noticed it, and he immediately kneeled in front of him on the carpet again, reaching for the boy’s neck and caressing it as if desperately trying to keep him close. 

  “I know you’re not ready to come out to your family” Magnus continued, sniffing, and he was crying so hard that his voice was now almost a mere whisper. More tears flooded Alec’s eyes, soaking his face, just when he thought he didn’t have any more left. “I can’t just expect you to take a huge step that you don’t wanna take just yet. I know you’re scared, and I’d be, too, if I was in your shoes. It’s okay, you know. We just… We just met each other at the wrong time and place, I guess. To be with someone like me… It’s quite the challenge. You don’t need that in your life right now”. 

  Not even Atlas himself could carry the weight Alec felt on his chest upon hearing those words. His lower lip was shaking with sorrow, his head dizzy.  _ How _ could Magnus say those things? How could Alec be fine without him? How could it be the wrong place and time for them if it felt more right than anything else in his life?

_“Yes, I do,_ Magnus”. He affirmed desperately, pulling the boy closer by his cheeks. “I need you, _right_ _now_. How can you say I don’t?”

  They breathed into each other’s faces in silence, and Alec just felt like a coward, selfish piece of shit; for being unable to take a stand and do the only thing he could do to save their relationship. He  _ wanted  _ to - so bad, but the uncertainty of how his mother would react  _ terrified _ him. He feared that his relationship with his family could be ruined, and Isabelle  _ needed _ him near, now more than ever. It was  _ such a risk  _ to take, and he hated himself for being too weak to take it at that moment, but  _ he was, _ and it was the worst feeling ever.  _ If only they were older... _

  “He came to our apartment just to threaten me, you know. He--” Magnus stammered through every word, and Alec caressed his cheeks as if his own life depended on it. “He hit me on the back with his belt. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced”. 

   Alec just couldn’t breathe. He had to force the air into his lungs, every single puff hurting like hell. When he pulled Magnus closer in order to embrace him  _ desperately  _ tight, as if he could start melting if Alec didn’t wrap him strong enough, his arms were shaking. As their tears fell down each other’s shoulders, Alec was sure he had never experienced such an intense mixture of  _ horror  _ and  _ hate.  _ He definitely hated that man like he’d never hated anything or anyone else in his whole life. There had been a time when he just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that a human being could be capable of hurting or killing another; but now, he got it. If that despicable piece of garbage was in front of him, he wasn’t sure if any moral code would be enough to contain his rage. To think of  _ anyone _ hurting Magnus like that did something  _ inexplicable _ to his senses; it was as if all reason boiled away from his mind, and there was only anger.

  “Did he hurt you too bad?” He asked, still embracing his boyfriend, his voice so shaken that he struggled to even form a sentence.  _ God,  _ why did bad things keep happening to the best person he’d ever known? Alec wished he could take it all in his place. 

  “No, it just… Burned for some time” Magnus said, undoing their embrace way too soon. “It didn’t even bleed or anything. It was just…  _ Very shocking”. _

__ His voice faltered in those last couple of words, and he coughed to try and conceal it, but when Alec touched his face again, the tears were far from gone, and they were the most unsettling thing he’d ever touched. 

  “God, I just wish I could make him  _ pay…  _ You should have told me about this as soon as it happened” He whispered at the other boy, who sighed in response. 

  “I know” He sniffed, as fragile as a scared child. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I  _ hate  _ the feeling of living in constant fear, and I would never want you to feel that way, too. I  _ can’t stand  _ seeing you upset. Besides, I felt like I owed you some peace of mind… There’s no excuse, I know. And I felt  _ terrible  _ about it all the time I was keeping it from you. It made me  _ angry _ at myself, I  _ know  _ I was being selfish, I was putting the two of us at risk basically every single time we went out together… But I just wanted to fool myself into thinking that I had it under control, you know? That I could outsmart him. But then this week I found out that he’s been to the Jade Wolf looking for me, and it finally hit me. I just… I guess I was just lying to myself so I wouldn’t have to be away from you. I feel like shit for saying this, but it’s the truth, I  _ suck,  _ and I don’t expect you to forgive me… But you’re the only light I’ve known in  _ such a long time…” _

__ That was it. That was the last straw. After that, Alec just couldn’t stop himself for sobbing anymore. He grabbed Magnus’ left hand and put it to his cheek, desperately holding onto the touch of the most precious, special thing he’d ever had. The fact that the boy would think such absurd things about himself sparked  _ revolting  _ feelings inside of Alec - not towards him, but towards everyone and everything that had allowed him to think so low of himself. 

  “You don’t have to feel guilty. Okay?” He murmured. “None of this is your fault. I wish you’d have told me sooner, but I’m not  _ mad _ at you. You’re not  _ selfish,  _ in fact you’re the most selfless person I know. I understand why you kept it for this long. If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. I should have  _ known  _ something wasn’t right, I should’ve seen it…” 

   He felt so bad - to think of the love of his life going through all that pain in silence, all by himself, while he was unable to pick up on it. He should’ve done better. 

  “No. You have  _ nothing  _ to apologize for” Magnus cut him off. “I did everything in my power to pretend that there was nothing going on.... Because all I wanted was to postpone this moment. But I can’t anymore. I have to do the right thing. Even if it wrecks my soul”.

  He took a deep breath, and suddenly, Alec’s heart was pounding again - this time, even harder, panic running through his blood. He heard Magnus moving his body and getting up from the couch, and he quickly, desperately tried to grab the boy’s hand, still on his knees on the carpet, but he couldn’t reach it, so he just lost his balance and fell to the floor, begging like a baby.

  “Magnus, no, _ please. _ We don’t have to do this.  _ You can’t  _ do this to me. What am I supposed to do without you? How am I supposed to live without knowing if you’re even  _ safe?” _

__ “I can take care of myself, Alexander” He said, firmly, but Alec could tell he was holding himself back in order not to cry. “But I can’t take care of the two of us. I can’t protect you from him. How do you think I’d live with myself if he did something to you? I can’t even  _ stomach  _ the idea! You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine as long as I can fly under the radar”.

   Alec swallowed, and his head felt as if an intense migraine was taking over it.  _ It had to be a nightmare.  _ It couldn’t be true. _ Why?  _ What had he done to deserve such punishment? To have to endure such immeasurable pain?

_ 'Being a coward. That’s what I did’. _

  “But  _ I love you so much" _ He whispered at Magnus, unable to think of anything else to say; there wasn’t anything else to say. He just  _ loved him too much.  _ Plain and simple. He couldn’t bare ending it all like that, when it wasn’t what any of them wanted. Magnus meant way too much to just be excluded from his life - he didn’t think it was even  _ possible  _ for him to get around that thought.

  “I love you, too. But… I guess you and I are just not meant to be right now. And you can’t just force something that’s not meant to be, you know? All the odds are working against us. Perhaps…”

  His sentence was interrupted in the middle by another timid sob.

  “Perhaps we can still have a chance in another place and time. With nothing holding us back… with no families forcing us apart.”

  “Are you  _ kidding  _ me? How am I to expect that you’ll still want me if we grow apart? Magnus, you’re… You’re  _ the best,  _ and there’s an amazing world outside. I just  _ know  _ that, if you walk out that door, I’ll never stand another chance again”.

   Magnus took a few steps closer, but not close enough.

   “It’s the world that doesn’t stand a chance, Alexander. Everyone else has an unredeemable flaw… They’re not you”.

   He sniffed, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded even more vulnerable:

  “Waiting is our thing, remember?”

_ ‘That’s not fair’  _ Alec wanted to say, desperately.  _ ‘I don’t wanna wait, I want you now. How can you say it’s not meant to be?’ _

__ He wanted to say a lot of things,  _ anything  _ that could possibly convince Magnus to stay, to not cross that door, but it was too late; before he could even fight his tears in order to open his mouth and speak, his ears were violently hit by a painful ‘ _ Goodbye, Alec’  _ and, just like that, the most precious gift he had ever received from life, the one person who led him to finally believe that love and dreams weren’t just unreachable fantasies, was taken away from him. 

  And it was all his fault. Because he hadn’t been able to choose between the man he loved and a peaceful relationship with his mother, life had made a decision for him. His fear had costed him Magnus. And the worst part? He had  _ allowed  _ it. Because he was  _ just too weak.  _

  He didn’t even bother to get up - when Jace came back, he wanted his friend to find him just like that, lying miserable on the floor, drowning in his tears. 

_ How the hell am I supposed to move on?  _

  
  


*******

 

**Thursday, 2 PM**

 

Sitting on the passenger seat of Jace’s car with his earbuds on, Alec joylessly organized subjects for Ragnor’s class planning, voice-typing onto the file and then listening repeatedly as his Cellphone Lady described it all back to him. Every single time, he’d go back in order to make some small alteration on the spreadsheet, and then listen as she repeated it yet once again, in a tiresome cycle. He wasn’t at all in the mood for that, but he’d promised Ragnor it would be finished by Friday morning; and, besides, he  _ had  _ to keep his mind busy with something, even though it was completely pointless to hope that he could distract his thoughts away from Magnus even for a second. 

  Thirteen days had passed - thirteen dragged, sorrowful days - and he was still  _ miserable. _ Magnus was the only thing he could think about, and as much as he tried to conceal how depressed he felt, he just  _ couldn’t.  _ Everything reminded Alec of him - every song, every conversation, every TV show, every joke, every food,  _ every fucking thing.  _ Every single night, he would pick up Madzie from the dresser beside his bed and feel a thousand of knives cutting through his heart. As he fell asleep, hugging the stuffed kitten, feeling the soft plush of the only piece of Magnus he still had, he would cry his eyes out, sobbing the night away, reliving moments that were now only memories and wishing he could wake up from that nightmare. 

  Then, every morning, he wondered if he should put Madzie away, hide it somewhere he wouldn’t be able to find it, but it didn’t matter. The pain and the memories would still be there.

  Sighing, he decided to save the file the way it was and sent it to Ragnor. He was a cool guy. Alec enjoyed working for him - but not that much, because he hadn’t been able to truly  _ enjoy  _ anything anymore for the last two weeks. Not even food seemed to have a taste anymore. He just felt like sleeping his days away until something had changed. 

  He asked Ragnor about Magnus  _ every time  _ they saw each other; and Ragnor would always say that he and Magnus didn’t talk that much anymore, but every time they did, Magnus asked him about Alec, too. 

  That was the worst part of it all; knowing that he’d lost his man not because he didn’t love Alec anymore, but because  _ the odds were always against them.  _ Even worse than being apart was knowing that neither one of them  _ wanted  _ to be apart, and that Magnus was probably in just as much pain as him.

  He remembered the week he had spent away from the boy during the Holidays, and the irony of it all almost made him want to laugh. He thought spending those days apart because of a trip was the epitome of angst and longing; imagine if he knew, then, that as soon as he came back, everything would go to shit so quickly. 

  Clary felt terrible, of course, and couldn’t stop apologizing in an embarrassed manner every time they met; but Alec wasn’t mad at her. Not when he knew there was no one to blame except himself. 

  He opened his history of messages with Magnus and sent him his daily “Hey” and “I love you”. He didn’t know what to expect. Obviously, they had broken up and Magnus told him they should stay away from each other. But he just couldn’t stop himself - he  _ needed  _ the boy to know that he still thought about him every single day. At first, Magnus would view all of them and leave it on read; but then, with time, they eventually stopped being read at all - Alec suspected he had blocked him, which hurt  _ so bad.  _ He kept on sending them, though, desperately hoping that one day he maybe got an answer. And then, after that, he would also always text Dot, with the same four words, every single day: “Are you guys ok?”. Her reply was always the same: a plain, cold "Yes". Still, during the rest of the day, he couldn't help but be worried to death, his mind terrorizing him with nerve-racking scenarios where Magnus’ grandfather showed up and did something bad - he wanted to believe what the boy had said to him, that he would be fine as long as the two of them were apart, but he couldn’t help being filled with paranoia, knowing full well that, if anything happened, that would be on him. 

  And he would  _ never  _ be able to forgive himself. 

  After that, he went on to the next part of his daily misery ritual: re-listening to the old texts and audios they had exchanged over the course of those perfect months. Of all the moments during his day, this one was the closet Alec got to feeling some sort of joy; it was like entering a tunnel of wonders, closing his eyes and just listening to Magnus’ beautiful voice and all of the beautiful words he’d blessed Alec with. If he could live inside those memories, he would. If he could have those messages be permanently implanted in his brain, he would. But it was all bittersweet, and his tears would soon come and replace his cozy smile; knowing that those electronic memories were all he had left. That and all the places they’d been to - one in particular, the Jade Wolf, stood out among the others, and that was actually where he and Jace were headed on that Thursday afternoon.

  It was  _ dull  _ and  _ stupid,  _ but Alec just couldn’t help but want to be there almost every single day; it was as if just being there could somehow made him  _ feel  _ Magnus’ presence, as if their love was fixated into the restaurant’s environment. A part of him, deep down inside, also couldn’t avoid imagining that, one day, he would eventually find Magnus there, and they’d pick up things exactly where they’d left off, and it would all be fine again. He remembered Magnus telling him that his grandfather had been there stalking them, but he was always accompanied by Jace, so he felt protected enough. At first, his friend wasn’t very encouraging of Alec going there, insisting that he should get his mind off of it all; but, eventually, he came to realize that Alec  _ needed  _ that to help cope with the pain. He had been very supportive and kind towards Alec, who was deeply grateful, even though his heart was still far from any sense of comfort. 

  And then, he also had Isabelle, who had recently returned from rehab. But Alec didn’t feel comfortable relying on her for emotional support when  _ she  _ was the one who needed it the most from him; the girl tried to appear strong, and she  _ did  _ seem to be truly compromised on recovering from her addiction, but every now and then, she’d still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, shaking and sweating; sometimes, she’d be randomly hit by a panic attack or an anxiety crisis, or spend the night puking her guts away. The medicine was helping, but the progress was slow, and the withdrawal took the best of her sometimes. She always sounded  _ exhausted  _ and  _ broken _ , and it  _ killed  _ Alec inside. Witnessing his sister’s suffering definitely just worsened his own - but on the other hand, the connection between the two of them had grown even deeper, as they needed each other’s love more than they ever had, and finally having Izzy near after so long, and on the path to recovery, was a great thing. Still, he wondered what could he have possibly done to deserve all of that pain at once.  _ Then he remembered. _

__ He was in conflict, his heart twisting inside of him. Every single night before dinner, he’d go to the bathroom and take deep breaths in front of the mirror, wondering what he’d look like and how other people viewed him. If he could look at himself in that mirror, he wouldn’t like to see a coward or a face wrecked by fear. And he wouldn’t want the man that he loved to view him like that, either. So he would take a deep sigh and say to himself:  _ 'This is it. Today’s the day. I’m done running’.  _ But then, when they all sat together at the dining table, it was like the family environment, with all of its expectations, traditions and standards just  _ oppressed  _ him into smallness again.  _ Small.  _ That’s how he felt.

  He wasn’t ashamed of loving Magnus. He wasn’t ashamed of being part of such a beautiful, diverse community with a long history of braveness and fighting. But he  _ did  _ fear the judgement of his family -  _ so bad.  _ He hated himself for still wanting to be seen as their perfect traditional child, but  _ he did,  _ because that was what he'd learned to aspire to be, and it was  _ so hard  _ to just rip it off of him. All of his life, he felt like there was something  _ dirty  _ inside of him; something  _ filthy  _ and  _ embarrassing,  _ something all the boys accused each other of being when they wanted to tease someone, something he’d learned was  _ offensive  _ to even be compared to, something that no family wanted for their child, something that would ruin a parent’s dreams and plans, and with a little bit of luck, they could come to  _ ignore  _ it, at best - something that could get him  _ killed  _ and make people feel like they were having their values attacked by the mere mention of it. And all of that, as much as he loathed it, still weighed down on his head every time he thought of sharing his true self - the feeling that he was about to share something so inappropriate that it shouldn’t be said out loud. 

  He was Alexander Gideon Lightwood. He was blind, and just like he was blind, he was gay. It was all part of who he was.  _ ‘I’m gay’.  _

  It was just a couple of words. But what a  _ weight  _ did they have.

  He  _ wanted  _ to do it, and he knew that he  _ would  _ do it eventually, but he feared that it would be  _ too late.  _ He couldn’t just expect Magnus to wait for him forever. 

  So he would end up crying himself to sleep all over again. And the worst part was that winter break was about to end. Next Tuesday, they would be back at school, and Alec couldn’t even imagine what it’d be like to be there without Magnus -  _ knowing  _ he was around, but unable to be near him. 

  He took off his earbuds as Jace parked the car, covertly wiping away a tiny tear that formed at the corner of his eye upon listening to his loved one’s old audios. The two of them then left the car and Alec let his friend guide him to the restaurant’s entrance. It was a little more crowded than usual, the sound of indistinct chatter filling their ears as they entered and settled for an empty table somewhat further from everyone else. Luke showed up in the blink of an eye, greeting them and offering them something to eat, which Alec politely declined, while Jace asked for a portion of fries.

  “You need to eat, Alec. You didn’t have lunch”.

   Alec rolled his eyes.

   “Whatever” He murmured. “I can eat some of your fries, right?”

   “Hey, boys”.

   For a second, Alec wondered if his mind was playing tricks on him, but that perfume was unmistakable.

_ "Dot?  _ Is that really you?” 

  “Hey” Greeted Jace, sounding a little bewildered. “Nice to see you, Dot. What brings you here?”

  The girl took a deep breath, which scared the hell out of Alec. He honestly wanted to  _ hug her,  _ but he didn’t know if he should.

  “I hope you’re doing fine, Alec” She said, with genuine empathy in her voice. “Both Magnus and I miss you, and we wish things were different. Um… I came here because Luke told us you’ve been coming here every day at this time, and there’s something Magnus asked me to do.”

  He heard the sound of a purse being unzipped, and then of Dot’s hand placing something on the table in front of him. He grabbed it, curious; it was two pieces of paper. It took him a couple seconds to realize what it was, but he had touched it a million times before, and he recognized the distinct smell that came only from the type of paper used to print tickets, as well as the characteristic touch of the metallic paper used on the letters. Those were both of their tickets to see Hairspray live on Broadway in March, which Alec had bought for Magnus’ birthday. He put his hand to his mouth, closed his eyes and sighed, unable to fight the tears away. 

  “He… He didn’t wanna keep his ticket?” He stammered, the pain filling his mouth with the most bitter taste of all. 

 “No” She whispered at him, with dismay. “He said… He said he can’t even watch the Hairspray movie anymore without thinking of you. I’m sorry”.

  Alec  _ hated  _ crying in public, but this hit him too hard for him to conceal it. Jace affectionately touched his hand as he started sobbing, but that was  _ not  _ the hand he wanted to touch, and nothing could even compare. 

  “Can you…” He sniffed and wiped his eyes. “Can you please tell him that I still love him? That I think about him every single day? That I haven’t forgotten about him and I probably never will?” 

  There was a moment of silence. Finally, she said:

  “Yeah. Of course. I’m sure he knows that already, but… I’ll make sure to tell. I should get going now”. She clearly didn’t know what to say to light up that conversation; probably because it wasn’t possible. 

  Before she left, however, after taking a few steps, he could hear the girl approaching them again. 

  “Um, Alec… I know it’s not really my place to ask this, but… Could you, maybe… ?” 

  She sighed, not finishing her question, but Alec knew exactly what she was talking about. He pursed his lips, feeling terrible. He wasn’t able to say anything. He only managed to give her a desperate look, one that said  _ "I don’t know”.  _

__ “Never mind” She turned around and left again. 

  As her smell got increasingly distant until it disappeared, Alec felt more stressed and anxious than he’d ever felt before. He was torn apart, caught in a deadlock. 

  He had a decision to make. 

  
  


*******

  
  


**7 PM**

 

As Alec sat by his bed, the door to his room open, his left hand on his chin and a war taking place inside his mind, he was brought back to Earth only by the voice of his sister appearing right next to him:

  “How are you feeling?” 

  Her voice was hoarse and fragile, and he reached for her hand and touched it. 

  “Not very fine” He admitted, his eyes already getting wet again. “How about you?”

  She sighed.

  “Not very fine either” With a cough, she laid down on Alec’s lap as he caressed her hair, his heart aching for her. “But I’ll get there. It’s a process”.

  “At least you have an end goal to look forward to” He pointed out. “It’s more than some of us can say”. 

  She got up from his lap and touched his shoulder.

  “I hate seeing you like this” She said. 

  “Never mind” Alec sucked his teeth. “You shouldn’t have to worry about me when you have so much going on”.

 “Well, but  _ of course  _ I do, Alec! It’s just  _ not fair  _ that you guys can’t be together when you clearly love each other so much!”

  He nodded, feeling devastated. 

  “I know. It really isn’t. But I just  _ don’t know what to do.  _ I don’t wanna lose him for good, but… What I have to do to get him back… It’s  _ terrifying”.  _

__ Izzy began to gently caress his hand.

  “I know” She whispered. “And it’s definitely not my place to tell you what decision to make. But… Listen, look how miserable you are, Alec. I think life’s too short to just suffer so much and not do something about it. And what you guys have… It’s way too special to let it go to waste like that. Please, consider this. The way you two are so devoted to one another… It’s  _ inspiring,  _ honestly. Actually, can I confess something?”

  He nodded, confused.

  “You know, the first days after my… my  _ incident.  _ When I had just been admitted to rehab, I… I wanted to break up with Simon. I planned on doing it as soon as he came to visit me. You see, I… I just didn’t feel  _ right  _ for him. I felt  _ ashamed,  _ and  _ afraid  _ of what his family would think of me. Of what his mother would think to see her brilliant, special, unbelievably incredible son being with the  _ mess  _ that I was - the mess that  _ I still am.  _ I just thought… I thought it was too much to ask of him. That he sticked around after all that, you know?”

   Alec pressed his fingers tightly around hers, wishing that his sister never had to endure such negative feelings ever again. 

  “But then…” She continued. “Then I thought of you and Magnus. And what a beautiful,  _ enviable _ relationship you guys had and how unconditionally  _ passionate  _ and  _ supportive  _ you guys always were to one another even when all the odds were against it. Even with all the difficulties, you know, of you being closeted, and Magnus’ grandfather… You guys still managed to be everything that I’ve ever dreamt of having with someone. And that inspired me to have faith in  _ my  _ relationship, as well. It helped me see that… When someone truly cares about you… Hardships are not the end of anything. And I stayed with Simon, and we’re getting through this together. So, truly… I don’t wanna pressure you into anything, but I have to be honest. I would be  _ devastated  _ if you let him go like that. And I know you would be, too. And I don’t want that for you. I can’t stand seeing you so low anymore! I miss my big brother’s smile”.

  He approached her even more, and she understood what he wanted, because she wrapped her arms around him in a second. He embraced her back, crying his eyes out.

  “You just have to remember… That, no matter what happens, I will  _ always  _ be here for you, Alec. You don’t have to be afraid of mom. We can go through anything as long as we have each other”.

  He nodded as they slowly pulled away from each other, still crying. At that point, he didn’t even know what he was really crying over - affection, longing, pain, gratitude, fear - he was feeling it all at once, like a splash of different colors on a canvas. 

  He got up and, leaving his room, headed to the bathroom. He then went through his same daily ritual. Washing his face and then wiping it with a towel, he inhaled as deeply as he could, and then exhaled. 

  Enough was enough. Isabelle was right. He loved Magnus too much to just let it all end that way. Maybe it was too late, true - but he  _ had  _ to try and do something. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he just stood there with his arms crossed, wondering about what could have been and being stuck on that indecision - he needed closure, at the very least. 

  It was still scary, but it was  _ always  _ going to be, he figured - he would never just wake up and feel like it wasn’t a big deal anymore. That was up to him. He had to be just as brave as Magnus was. He had to stand up for the two of them. He’d been running for way too long.

  He had two options, and he was done weighing them in an imaginary scale; he would always choose Magnus. 

  Besides, this was currently Magnus’ only chance at solving his terrifying situation with his grandfather - and it didn’t matter that he’d told the boy he’d leave him alone if they stayed apart; no one should have their lives dictated by an abusive, bigoted, violent relative, and that man would always be there, making Magnus live in constant fear until they did something about it. His parents were  _ lawyers.  _ If anyone could do anything, it was them - and Alec  _ had  _ to do it, at any cost. He had to be just as selfless as Magnus had been to him ever since the day they met. 

  They both deserved to not have to be constantly running. That was no way to live. 

  As he sat by the table with the rest of his family, the smell of spaghetti filling his nostrils, he didn’t even bother to serve himself, his face straight as an arrow -  _ straight as he was not.  _ He didn’t move a muscle. His heart was pounding, his stomach twisting. He swallowed some saliva and licked his lips.

  “Alec? Sweetheart, aren’t you going to serve yourself?” Asked Maryse. Alec lift his head up.

  “There is something I have to tell you guys first”.

_ Inhale, exhale. _

__ Everyone was silent. This was it.

“I’m gay”.

_ Inhale.  _

_ Exhale.  _

“I’m gay, and I love Magnus.  _ We love each other.  _ And I wanna be with him”. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gay gasps*  
> I can't believe we're so close to the end :(


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When all your thoughts are dark and insecure,  
> I'll build you a light, 'cause baby, I'm sure,  
> That loving you has made me better  
> I'll take all your shadows and make sure that you shine
> 
> 'Cause when I'm with you, I fall apart  
> To hear your permanently broken heart  
> Baby, you're the greatest to me,  
> No, no matter what, what, what
> 
> I don't know why you hurt inside,  
> Or what was said to make you cry  
> I hope that you can see  
> You are the greatest thing to me  
> And when you're feeling like you're not enough,  
> I'll give you wings, I'll lift you up,  
> I hope that you can see  
> You are the greatest, greatest thing to me

**Friday, 1 PM**

 

Sitting on the living room’s couch, Magnus kept on pressing the piece of gauze against his left wrist, hissing at the burning sensation as his heart pounded and a headache slowly took over him - along with the shame, the guilt and the overall desperation. His eyes were blurry from the tears forming on them; he had never felt so horribly exposed before, forcing someone he cared about so much to face his ugliest demons. It was the last thing he’d want to happen, and when Dot had entered the bathroom to find him with his sleeve pulled up, the razor blade drawing a red line on his skin, he tried to conceal it, tried to come up with something, but he was too fragile to actually try, and there was no covering it up, really; she wasn’t stupid, and he’d been sloppy to not lock the door. 

  He knew all the words that would come out of her mouth before she started pronouncing them, and he didn’t want to hear. He  _ knew  _ he could get over that, he just needed some time. Losing Alec had broken him in a way nothing else ever had; in a way he didn’t even think was possible.

  Magnus continued to follow the girl with his eyes as she moved around the living room with their telephone to her ear; hurriedly giving their address to whomever it was that she was talking to, her voice still shaken and her eyes still moist. Finally, she hang up, turning back to him.

  “Who was it?” He timidly asked his friend, who inhaled deeply.

  “It was Maryse Lightwood, no less”.

  Magnus frowned and waited for some further explanation, but Dot didn’t say anything else, so he inquired her again:

_ "Um… Why on Earth  _ would she call us? And why did you give her our address?” 

  His heart couldn’t help but skip a beat, his mind coming up with all sorts of both catastrophic and hopeful possibilities at the same time. 

  The girl licked her lips, as if trying to be as careful as possible. 

  “She said… She said Alec’s coming by to pay us a visit”. 

  Suddenly, Magnus had trouble breathing. Neither one of them had actually spoken that name out loud on the last two weeks, and it immediately pushed a button inside of him that he’d been trying  _ so hard  _ to keep untouched. He’d tried so hard to think of it as just another name, but it  _ wasn’t,  _ and it would  _ never  _ be; it was a trigger for a thousand different memories and emotions, for a series of chills on his spine and a rush of adrenaline to his veins. 

_ That couldn’t be.  _ It had been two weeks already - why would Alec be so reckless now? He had to know better.

 “Does that mean she doesn’t hate me anymore?” He was gasping for air as he spoke. “Well, it doesn’t matter.  _ What the hell  _ is he thinking?  _ He knows  _ he can’t be here, he can’t be near me! Dorothea, why didn’t you tell Maryse that?!?”  

_ "I did!”  _ She shouted back at him. “I said I didn’t think it was the best idea, but she told me not to worry! Listen, you guys  _ have  _ to solve this, Magnus,  _ it’s breaking you!”  _

  He pursed his lips and frowned at her, astounded.

  “Are you  _ kidding  _ me? Are you  _ actually  _ willing to let him risk his own integrity? If you truly care about me, you would  _ never  _ allow that!” 

  “Well, he’s certainly not coming  _ by himself, _ is he? So calm your ass down!” She snapped, just as violently, before sighing and rubbing her own forehead with both hands. “Listen, why don’t we wait until he actually gets here, okay? The two of you have  _ a lot  _ to figure out. And we still need to discuss what just happened!”

  Magnus clenched his teeth, looking down and rubbing his hands against one another.

  “There is nothing to discuss” He murmured.

_ "Magnus,  _ you  _ have  _ to call your psychologist and start taking your medication again!  _ You need help! _ ”

  “I don’t  _ want  _ to!” The words came out harshly and desperate. “Do you know how long it took for her to finally discharge me? How much effort I put into getting  _ free  _ of those meds? I can’t go back to that  _ prison,  _ Dot! Could it be that I’m so  _ weak _ I can’t even keep myself together without resorting to that?” 

   Angsty sarcasm aside, deep down inside, he was genuinely wondering - Could he not even be trusted to keep his own life and health on track? Was he  _ that  _ out of control?

   Dot crouched down in front of him and placed her hand on his lap.

  “Magnus, we’re talking about  _ professional help! Please,  _ don’t be stubborn. This is very serious” She sounded scaringly brittle. “You’re not  _ weak,  _ you’re just  _ sick”.  _

  He shook his head, a single tear falling down his cheek. He didn’t want to think of it as  _ sickness.  _ He wanted to believe it was merely an emotional state that he would eventually grow out of. To think that he could maybe be back to that same severe, dark state - he was  _ terrified  _ of that possibility.  _ Could it be?  _ Had he let things go that far without even realizing? 

  “No. It’s just a stupid relapse. It’ll be over soon”. He sniffed and exhaled deeply, holding back more tears as his lips trembled. 

  Right after he finished saying that, the intercom started ringing. Magnus felt as if a wild beast was trying to escape from his chest, the pounding almost audible. He lifted his head and looked at Dot, who was already on her way to pick it up.

  “You have to tell him to leave” Magnus stammered, barely able to form a cohesive sentence.  His hands were sweating.

  Dot put the phone to her ear and stared at the small screen, her expression unreadable. Her eyes went from the screen to Magnus, and she seemed conflicted. Still, she didn’t hesitate much longer before pressing the button and hanging it up.

_ "Dot!”  _ He grunted, feeling dizzy. “You shouldn’t have done this!” 

  “He’s with Jace, okay?” She whispered, despite the still unsure look in her eyes. “I’m letting them in. Things can’t go on like this”. 

  They’d barely heard the timid knocks on the door when she started unlocking it eagerly, and Magnus’ heart fell immediately to the floor. He quickly stuffed the gauze inside his pocket and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and biting his tongue, as if that would somehow prevent him from hurting.

  When the door was opened, however, he couldn't help himself; he lifted up his eyelids, tears emerging as he was mercilessly hit by the sight of that 6 foot 3 man, his messy dark hair, uncovered hazel eyes and thick eyebrows raised in a shaken expression. Jace followed right after him. 

  For a couple of seconds, there was only silence - even though it felt like it could have been  _ hours. _ He didn't know. Time seemed to just  _ freeze. _ For the last long, cruel nights and days, Magnus had thought he would never be close to that boy again. It felt like it had been  _ ages; _ and yet, it also felt like no time had passed at all, for his heart had remained on the very same page, unable to move towards any other direction. 

 He didn't know how to react; what to do, what to say. He felt like melting to the ground, and maybe desperately wrapping his arms around Alec's long legs like a baby. 

  Alexander slowly opened his mouth to speak, but Magnus was faster: 

  "You can't be here, Alec. It's dangerous" He reminded the boy. Jace and Dot stood still, staring at him, but he couldn't focus on anything else but Alec. As soon as he pronounced his loved one's name, it felt as if it was echoing through his mind like some sort of spell;  _ Alec, Alec, Alec. _ The name he had avoided pronouncing for the past weeks. The name that was now filling every single fiber of his being and hijacking every single one of his thoughts and senses, like a band-aid being ripped off as soon as it left his lips; Magnus' whole body and soul seemed to be desperately screaming his name, and it was impossible to muffle that sound. 

  "You don't have to worry" Said Jace, momentarily drifting Magnus away from the brunette. "I can deal with a Napoleon-complexed old man. If he wants to show up here to try something, let him. I'll kick his ass". 

  Magnus swallowed, biting his lip and starting to shake from all the anxiety.

  "I thought we had settled this" He whispered, getting up from the sofa and facing the other boy firmly. "It's not wise of us to be together, Alexander. There's your mom, and my grandfather, and--” 

  “Maryse is not a problem anymore, and neither is that old bastard, okay? Magnus,  _ listen to me” _  He was staring at the floor, but Alec lifted his chin up with his thumb, proceeding to place his left hand on Magnus’ right cheek. All the air was brutally stripped from his lungs, and he couldn’t help but let out a small groan, completely out of his senses, ridiculously and irreversibly surrendered to his touch. Gazing into Alec’s eyes felt like getting a shot of morphine after going through an excruciatingly painful incident, and his smell was so intoxicating it almost made Magnus feel  _ dizzy.  _ “Mom and I, we’ve had a conversation. She understands now how much you mean to me, and she’s not going to force us apart anymore. In fact, she wants to  _ help you.  _ Both her and dad. They care about me, and they know now that this means caring about you, too. You can press charges, and they will help you get rid of that piece of shit. You have great lawyers by your side now, okay? We don’t have to run away anymore. They know everything, and they’re on our side”.

  Magnus was breathing fast.

  “T-They do?” He stuttered, his eyebrows still joined in confusion. 

  “Yes. We can finally stop running and hiding” He put his other hand on Magnus’ free cheek next, and when he spoke again, he was on the verge of tears.  _ "I love you,  _ and I will stand by you no matter what”. 

  Magnus closed his eyes and let the tears roll down freely as he opened his mouth, allowing Alec to glue their lips together. And then, there was literally nothing else in the world but the two of them. As he placed both his hands on the taller boy’s neck, he could swear he was actually flying - higher than the ferris wheel, higher than that rollercoaster; so high it ripped something heavy out of his chest, like some sort of blessing or miracle. 

  When they parted their lips away from each other, however, Magnus pulled him strongly to do what he  _ truly  _ needed; what every cell of his being craved for. He threw his arms around Alec and buried his face on his lover’s chest, crying his eyes out,  _ sobbing  _ as he felt the other boy’s long arms be tightly wrapped around his body. 

  He had never felt or acted so fragile before, but he couldn’t possibly control his desperate feelings erupting like a volcano. With his head on Magnus’ shoulder, Alec was also crying, though more timidly.

  “It’s okay” He whispered. “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. Everything’s going to be okay”. 

  As he kept on crying, Magnus’ eyes were suddenly opened wide, and that feeling of guilt and torment filled his veins again, causing him to push Alec away from him with his hands. 

  “What’s wrong?” The tall boy inquired, confused. “You don’t seem alright. It feels like there’s something you’re not telling me”. 

  Without saying a word, Magnus’ eyes traveled to Dot, who stood still with her arms crossed, staring back at him firmly. His stomach felt like it was twisting inside of him. 

  “If you’re not telling him, I am. He needs to know, Magnus. He  _ deserves  _ to. You need to let the people who love you give you support”. 

  Alec turned to her and then back to Magnus, his mouth open and a frown on his face. 

  “What is she talking about?” He asked again, with deep concern in his voice. “What did he do this time?  _ Please tell me,  _ Magnus, and I’ll-”

  “Nothing” Magnus cut him, loud and firm, before taking a deep breath. “This is not about my grandfather. This is about me only”.

  Alec crossed his arms.

  “Okay. Then tell me. You know I’m here for you”. 

  He sucked his teeth, feeling as if a sharp knife was cutting through his guts, almost wishing that he'd pass out or get abducted by a spaceship right then and there so he wouldn't have to face that situation. 

  He looked at his lover's face. Was he really ready to put out such dark information on those angelic eyes? He'd rather die.

  But he'd also rather die than lie to Alec for even one more day. 

  Of all the deaths, the honest one.

  Magnus sat on the couch, where Alec sat right next to him, and then looked over at Jace, nervous. The discomfort must have been evident on his semblance, because the blonde boy said: 

  "I'll give you guys some privacy. I'll be downstairs, sitting by the front door in case you need me". 

  "Thank you" Alec whispered at him without moving a muscle as Dot unlocked the door again so Jace could leave. After closing it, the three of them all by themselves, she walked closer to them again and crossed her arms. 

  "So" She coughed, very serious. "Will you tell him now?" 

  Magnus twisted his lips, an unbearably bitter taste taking over his mouth, feeling worse than he had ever felt in those nightly escapades to the bathroom to punish himself. 

 Alec held his hands, as if telling him it was okay, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. It was  _ too hard. _

  He gave his best friend a pleading look, silently begging for a mercy strike, which she seemed to understand. Her expression switched back to sadness, and she sighed deeply.

  "Magnus has been hurting himself, Alec". 

_ 'Please kill me'  _ \- that's what Magnus thought when Alec's eyes widened as he looked from him to Dot and then back to him, filled with anxiety and concern.

  "Again?" He said, pulling Magnus even closer to him while tightening the grip of his long fingers on Magnus' hands. "Magnus, you  _ have _ to be more careful! God, what if one of those accidents turn out to be serious? I can't--"

  "Wait,  _ accidents?"  _ Dot frowned, gasping, and then she looked at her friend and shook her head. "Gosh, Magnus. No, Alec. I don't know what he's told you before, but there was never any  _ accident _ ". 

  Alec joined his brows, wrinkling his forehead tighter than Magnus had ever seen. His breathing was audibly heavy, and in a split second, his eyes were wet again. The boy covered them with both hands, putting his elbows to his lap, visibly wrecked. 

  "I'm such an idiot" He sobbed, his voice almost a mere whimper, and that hurt Magnus more than any of the cuts; if they were all stretched open to bleed him to death, it still wouldn't hurt that bad. "I should have known. I should've picked up on it.  _ I'm the worst!" _

_ "Stop,  _ please!" Magnus exclaimed, approaching the boy and touching his leg, his heart crushed. "You have  _ nothing _ to feel guilty about. I made you believe that you could trust me and then I lied to you, again and again, because I was too afraid.  _ I'm  _ the one that should be begging for your forgiveness". 

  Alec shook his head, the tears pouring from his eyes like a waterfall. Grabbing both of Magnus' hands, he said:

  "It's okay. I understand why you'd want to keep it from me. I understand that it's not an easy thing to open up about, and all the shame and guilt that comes with it. I've seen this with Isabelle. I just…" 

  He exhaled slowly through his mouth. 

  "I just feel like I  _ failed  _ you. After everything that I've been through with her, I should've known better. I guess…" His voice went brittle again. "I guess deep down inside, I knew this possibility was there, in the back of my mind, you know, that you weren't well. I just didn't even want to  _ consider  _ it or actually  _ think _ about it, because it hurt too much. And then I let you go when you needed me the most…  _ I'm so sorry _ ". 

  "There is no use in laying blame at this point, guys" Dot intervened as Magnus gently rubbed his hands against Alec's. "Magnus has been struggling with his mental health for a long time now, and he was just in denial, wanting to believe that he had it under control, or that it wasn't worth making you suffer. And he can be pretty good at hiding things when he wants to, Alec.  _ I  _ didn't even realize, and I  _ live  _ with him! You had a lot of things going on in your life as well. What matters is: we know it now. And we must do something before it gets worse. Magnus just needs  _ help _ with battling his inner demons. But, apparently, he's not willing to accept it so easily..."

  Magnus pursed his lips, feeling his throat tighten. 

  “It’s complicated” He coughed. 

  “Magnus,  _ please”  _ Alec touched both of his shoulders firmly with desperation in his eyes. “You  _ have  _ to go see a therapist. It’s no big deal, I’ve had one when I was younger.  _ We need you to be alright. Please.  _ You  _ can  _ get through this, but not on your own”. 

  Magnus closed his eyes, biting his tongue. There was absolutely nothing in the world that he wouldn’t do for those pleading eyes; but he still hated the thought of having to be on antidepressants again. 

  In response to his silence, Dot sighed. 

  “I think you two need some time alone. I believe that, if anyone can convince him, that’s you, Alec. He  _ always  _ listens to you”.

  She picked up the keys from the center table again and proceeded to walk towards the door. 

  “I think I’ll go grab some ice cream with Jace down on the shop. We’ll be on the watch for anything suspicious” She said before leaving. “You guys take all the time you need. Text me when you’ve settled things. Oh, and I’ve hid every sharp object I could think of, but if he goes to the bathroom or something,  _ please  _ don’t forget to check on his wrists”. 

  After she closed the door behind her, the momentary silence between the two boys felt mortifying. Magnus stared at the pain on Alec’s face and felt like shit. He’d been dreaming of getting to be with the boy again, but that part right there felt more like a nightmare.

  Alec’s hands traveled from his shoulders back to his hands, his touch sending tingles through Magnus’ arms. They held each other’s hands as if it was the first time, and even amidst all of that darkness, Magnus felt safe.

  “So” The taller one finally said, coughing as he wiped his eyes on his shoulder, still not letting go of his lover’s hands “Um… For how long has this been going on?” 

  Magnus bit his lip and then sighed.

  “That’s a tricky question” He said. “I cut myself for the first time about a year and a half ago, after a couple of years battling with severe depression. At the time, I managed to save some money and got myself a few appointments with a psychiatrist, who prescribed me some meds and advised me to see a therapist. He also happened to be a very kind soul who empathized with my situation, you know, of being very short on money and living with a dick of a tutor who I couldn’t rely on for financial support… So he’d always get me a bunch of free samples that he had in store. The therapist also offered me a pretty great discount for my sessions, so… I started to slowly get on track. I was able to quit with the self-harming, I learned to deal with my dark feelings… After a year, she discharged me from our sessions. Not too long before we met. She said I was finally fit to keep my life on track on my own. But I still had to keep on taking my antidepressants, and I was to call her anytime I felt the need to see her again”.

  He sighed once more. Alec tightened the grip on his hands.

 “Of course I felt very insecure, but you know… When you spend that long in such a fragile state and then someone tells you that you’re somewhat free, and capable of keeping  _ yourself _ together… That can get to your head. So, even when I felt like relapsing, I would just tell myself ‘You’ve got this. You don’t need her anymore. You’re strong enough’. And after a while… I decided that I didn’t wanna take my pills anymore. I didn’t like the thought of being on them. It made me feel  _ out of control.  _ I wanted the feeling of being able to live without it, and I wanted it  _ so badly…  _ So I kept my last few bottles untouched on the bathroom, where they still are to this very day. I wanted to believe that I was…  _ Cured,  _ I guess. And for some time, it really felt like I was. But then, just as fast, things started going south again. First there was the thing with Raphael, then my grandfather snapped and I had to run away from home… In the meantime, there was you, of course. And once again, happiness felt so close to reality… But I also felt guilty. I felt like a terrible person for putting you into this mess. Now not only I had to deal with that psycho bigot, but you did, too. And at the same time, I knew I couldn’t bring myself to be away from you, or to even open up completely… That guilt ate me inside. And so I went back to the blades. I can’t really explain why I wanted to hurt myself so badly… I just  _ did.  _ I guess it was a mix of wanting to  _ punish _ myself and trying to ease the emotional pain by replacing it with a physical one. It didn’t work, of course. Now I just had yet another dark secret. But I kept trying. And these last couple of weeks have been even darker. I  _ don’t want  _ to keep doing this, Alec. But it’s  _ so hard". _

  As the salty tears fell to his mouth, he kept it open, thinking of something else to say, but he couldn’t. He felt  _ drained.  _ He also didn’t want Alec to blame himself even more.

  After he was finished, Alec slowly let go of his hands in order to approach him and pull him for a tight embrace; much slower and softer than he used to, as if he was aware of Magnus’ current fragility. The wetness from the tall boy’s tears on his shoulder only intensified his own crying. When Alec pulled away from the hug, he proceeded to kiss Magnus’ cheeks and forehead desperately, wiping the boy’s face with his hands at the same time, as if wanting to make his love and affection as clear as possible - as if his life depended on it. 

  “I’m so sorry” He said again, still sobbing as he gently caressed Magnus’ ear. “It must have been so  _ awful  _ for you, having to go through all of this alone… I  _ swear,  _ if I  _ knew  _ I would have done something, I… I was a  _ coward  _ for too long, and it cost you too much. I should never had let my fear speak louder than my love for you. It wasn’t right”.

  “Alec, it’s okay. You just weren’t ready yet. It’s not your fault I have a monster as a grandfather”.

  “No, it’s  _ not  _ okay” Alec insisted, shaking his head. “These last weeks, thinking we were over for good… Magnus, it  _ broke  _ me. I can’t even imagine what it felt like for you, having so many dark things to deal with already.  _ It kills me  _ to even think about it. I failed at the one thing I was meant to do, which was make you feel loved and cared for. And for that… I don’t even know if it’s fair to expect that you forgive me”.

_ "Stop,  _ Alexander” Magnus touched his boyfriend’s right shoulder. “You didn’t  _ fail _ at making me feel loved. Listen… Being with you… It was the only light in my dark life. Loving you was the only thing strong enough to make me forget what it felt like to hate myself. And for that I am  _ so grateful,  _ truly. And if there’s one thing I can sympathize with, that’s fear. I understand why you were afraid of coming out, and I would  _ never  _ hold it against you. I forgive you. That is… If you can forgive me for being afraid as well and not being honest with you. You don’t deserve lies. You deserve trust, and I hope you know that I  _ do  _ trust you, more than anyone in the world, but I didn’t want you to suffer”.

  His lover’s lower lip was shaking and his forehead wrinkled in pure pain as he pulled Magnus closer to kiss his forehead again. 

  “It’s okay” He nodded. “I can’t blame you for being sick. I am in pain to see you like this, true. But you know what would’ve  _ really  _ hurt? If it had gotten even worse”.

  He proceeded to caress Magnus’ hair, who closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the tenderness.

  “One day” Alec continued. “You will see just how special, incredible _ , good _ and a beautiful soul you truly are. But for that, you need to allow yourself to be helped”. 

  Magnus twisted his mouth, nervous. 

  "Magnus, I know this is hard for you, but you  _ have  _ to reach out to your therapist again. You  _ have  _ to restart your treatment, you have to go to your sessions and take your medication, you-"

  "I don't think I mind going back to therapy that much" He interrupted his boyfriend. "I can definitely use some talking and guidance. It's the pills I'm not so comfortable with. I don't know, they just… I can't help but think that I'm  _ out of my senses  _ when I'm on them". 

  Alec gasped. Squeezing his hands again, he firmly said:

  "You know what  _ really  _ takes you out of your senses?  _ Depression.  _ It's a disorder, Magnus. It messes with your perception.  _ Disorders require proper treatment.  _ You need to let yourself be guided by a professional if you want to get better.  _ Please.  _ Look…" 

  He inhaled, and the look on his face, once again, was one of begging.

  "Maybe you don't want to do it for yourself, but at least do it  _ for me.  _ Please?  _ I can't bear _ having you stuck on that cycle of pain. Just do this for me. And then, with time, as you heal, you will learn to keep on doing it for yourself. Because you'll learn to see that you deserve all the happiness in this world. In fact, I've never met  _ anyone _ who deserves it more than you do". 

  Naturally, Alec's words sent a wave of comfort all through Magnus' chest - there was no possible circumstance in which it wouldn't. When his lover spoke like that, he was  _ physically unable  _ to not open his heart.

  "Okay" He nodded, glad to receive a small grin in the corner of Alec's mouth as a response. "I'll start taking my medicine again. Just… Give me some time, perhaps? It may take a few days for me to get used to the idea, so if you could maybe just, you know, be a little patient…"

  "Of course" The other boy touched his cheek and approached him to place a gentle peck on the corner of his mouth. "I’ll be patient. Just don't take  _ too long, _ alright?"

  "Yeah".

  Magnus licked his lips while cracking his knuckles, anxious. 

  "What's wrong?" Alec asked, pulling him closer. With a nervous sigh, Magnus allowed himself to to lay his head on the tall boy's lap. 

  "I was so scared of causing you pain" He confessed. "Of putting you through more  _ torment _ than joy. I was afraid that you would walk away from me if you found out how  _ miserable _ I actually was. Or  _ worse... _ That you would stay by my side out of pity. I just  _ hate  _ making you suffer. I feel like… I don't know. Maybe you expected this relationship to be all sunny and fun, but with me, there's always a lot of clouds".

  Alec touched his chin as he looked up to the boy, as if wanting him to pay as much attention as possible.

_ "Listen to me. _ You do  _ not  _ make me suffer. None of this is your fault. You didn't choose to be depressed. The only person who can be blamed for putting both me and you in pain is that old son of a bitch. And yes, seeing you like this… It  _ wrecks _ me".

  He sniffed and wiped a single tear from the corner of his left eye.

  "But at least I can be here for you, supporting you through your path to healing, making sure you'll be fine. I don't care how hard it may be. I can't stand  _ not being here  _ for you. Trust me, I've tried. These last weeks, being away from you, knowing that you were in pain but not doing anything about it, only being able to _ imagine _ what you could be going through…  _ That's  _ real torment. Besides…  _ I  _ have my own issues, too, you know. And being with you… It just makes everything  _ so much easier.  _ This isn't a one-sided thing, Magnus. You may not realize this yet, but…  _ You _ light up  _ my _ life, too. Regardless of any struggle you might be facing. To me, you're  _ always  _ the same Magnus I fell in love with. I don't do this out of  _ pity. _ Don't ever think that. I do it because you're  _ precious _ to me. And precious things must be taken care of. And I don't care how many  _ clouds  _ there are. There could be a thunderstorm, for all I care. It wouldn't matter, as long as I have the Sun himself right by my side". 

  Magnus' head  _ was  _ almost _ aching _ again; not from distress, but from how  _ bad  _ he loved that man - it was almost too much to even process. And this, right there, was probably the reason why their relationship was the most special connection he'd ever had with someone; Alec was never afraid of pouring his soul and letting Magnus know every single thing that he felt on the inside. That shy, grumpy, always serious boy that he'd watched in school for so long didn't hesitate to melt into a puddle for him. 

  For the first time in two weeks, Magnus smiled.

  "My beautiful poet. I love you" He chuckled as he pulled Alec closer for a kiss. "More than Wilbur loved Edna". 

  Alec's swollen wet eyes lit up, and it was the most beautiful thing in the world. 

  "Wow" He whispered, his fingers travelling gently through all of Magnus' hair. "That's a lot of love. Well, I love you… More than Tracy loved Link". 

  "Oh" Magnus gasped, putting his hand to his chest. "I can hear the bells". 

  They giggled affectionately, and Alec started playing with the silk scarf around Magnus' neck, seeming thoughtful. 

  "Just try to remember that I would never just walk away or turn my back on you, okay?” He looked very concerned, as if it was extremely important for him to make that clear. “I made a huge mistake by letting you think that it was over, by acting like there was nothing I could do, and I don't want that feeling  _ ever  _ again. But everything's going to work out now. And you don’t have to be scared. Because  _ I’m not.  _ You make me happy, and I  _ won’t lose you  _ to this. You never let my pre-existing condition change anything between us, and I would never do that to you, either.  _ I’m not going anywhere.  _ Do you believe me?”

  Magnus let out a small chuckle of joy. Touching Alexander’s cheek, he whispered:

  “I do”.

  And he did, actually. For the first time, he believed it. And to have faith in those words felt like a million fireworks exploding inside his chest. 

  “We’ve both faced our fears these last days” Alec noted. “And we’ll continue to do it, together. It’s going to be a journey, but… I do believe we make each other stronger”.

  Magnus moved himself on his boyfriend’s lap, laying on his side now, Alec’s fingers caressing his cheek and ear.

  “I’m so proud of you” He told the tall boy, who immediately blushed. “I know it must not have been easy. But I knew you were brave enough to do it. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you owning up to who you are and taking control of your life. You’re a  _ fighter,  _ Alexander”.

  His boyfriend rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, tearing up a little, a warm smile on his face.

  “Thank you. I learned from the best” He whispered, before coughing. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, though. Dad literally couldn’t care less, and Mom… She was just scared.  _ Very scared,  _ may I say. She didn’t mind me being gay, she’s just very concerned, you know, because I’m kind of an easy target for bigots. But we talked.  _ A lot. _ I actually didn’t sleep that much last night, because we spent most of it talking things through. At first, she was unable to cope with all of her worries, but Izzy and Dad helped me reach common ground with her. They just want me to be happy, you know? And they’re really determined to help you prosecute your grandfather. They were very worried, not only for me, but for you, too. We're gonna get through this. They're on our side". 

  They approached each other for a kiss. Getting up from the boy's lap, Magnus laid down next to him on the sofa bed. He then pulled Alec close by his arm, and his boyfriend cuddled him from behind. 

  "I mean, that's not to say it will be easy" He added. "She was already overprotective, and now I feel like I'll have to work even harder to demand my freedom. But I guess it all comes down to slowly getting her to trust me. And, hey, I think Jace is a pretty threatening bodyguard, don’t you? I can think of worse third wheels we could’ve gotten stuck with”.

  Magnus giggled.

  “Definitely” He said. “Don’t worry. I can be patient”.

  “I know. And I’m very thankful for that” Alec kissed his neck, and his heart almost stopped. “She wants to get to know you better, too, you know, now that I managed to convince her that you’re not a  _ bad influence  _ or something like that”.

  Magnus raised his eyebrows, caught off guard, but happy to hear that.

  “She does? For real?” He asked, to which Alec nodded. 

  “Yeah. I know we’re taking one step at a time, but… After you’re finally free from that bastard, you’re more than welcome to be a part of our family now. Officially” He coughed mid-sentence, seeming nervous. “That is, if you want to, of course. No pressure”.

_ "Are you kidding?  _ Alexander,  _ of course  _ I do!” He chuckled while playing with his boyfriend’s fingers. “It will be an honor. I’m looking forward to it”. 

  He turned his head to place yet another kiss on Alec’s lips - after going that long thinking he’d lost them, he was coming to appreciate them even more, if that was even possible. 

  After that, they remained silent for a while, pronouncing no words and yet managing to say so many things. Dot had told them to text her when they’d settled things, but at that moment, it was as if there was a silent agreement between the two boys to wait a little longer, rejoicing a little more in that time alone - they’d both been desperately craving each other, after all.

  After a few minutes had passed, Alec licked his lips and said:

  “I’m going to ask you for something, but you don’t have to do it if it makes you uncomfortable, okay?” 

  Magnus frowned, getting slightly anxious. 

  “Okay. What is it?”

  Alec hesitated a little longer, twisting his lips and taking a deep sigh.

  “Do you mind if I touch them?”

  Magnus bit his lip, discomfort suddenly filling his chest and stomach again.

  “I mean… I don’t” He said. “But  _ why?” _

__ The other boy sucked his teeth.

  “I guess I just want to make sure they’re not, like,  _ too bad”. _

__ He thought for a moment. It wasn’t a big deal - Alec had touched them before. But that had been under a different circumstance, when he thought they had been caused by an accident - now, they had a deeper, much darker meaning attached to them. Still, he wanted Alec to feel less worried, so he pulled up his sleeve and gently put the boy’s hand on his left wrist, letting his fingers travel through his semi-open wounds. 

__ Alec puffed, as if it was extremely difficult for him to process that. His face showed agony again. For the first time in a long time, Magnus regretted those wounds - it wasn’t just  _ guilt  _ or  _ remorse  _ anymore, __ but  _ actual regret,  _ and a desire to put every single effort he could into not doing that again.

 “Don’t be upset. I’ll get better” He whispered, wishing to God that Alec didn’t shed any other tear. 

  “It’s okay. I know” His boyfriend said before placing a gentle kiss on his wrist, and Magnus couldn’t help but groan, just like the last time. Noticing his satisfied responde, Alec teased him with a smirk:

  “Do you like that?” 

  “Yeah”.

  “I can give you some more of that, since you like it so much. But you gotta give me something in return, you know”. 

   Magnus raised a single eyebrow, intrigued. 

  “Maybe if you, I don’t know…” The tall boy continued. “Grabbed one of those pills you said you still have in your bathroom and… Perhaps drank it with some water, you know”. 

 He giggled at Alec, astounded.

“You manipulative little fucker” He said, smirking. 

“I can be” His lover admitted. “But it’s for a greater good”.

 Magnus pondered for a second; naturally, he  _ was  _ supposed to still be taking his medication - his psychiatrist hadn’t told him to stop yet, even though it had been a good 8 months since they’d last seen each other. In fact, if he remembered well, the next appointment they’d arranged was in a few weeks; but, considering all that was going on, interrupting the use of his antidepressants was probably  _ the last thing  _ that was going to be on the doctor’s advice list. 

  He knew he couldn’t neglect his own health. He couldn’t just decide, on his own, to stop medicating himself - it had been a huge mistake, and Magnus couldn’t help but think that maybe a lot of bad things could have been avoided, had he moved forward with his treatment like he was supposed to. 

  He didn’t want to cause Dot any more pain. He didn’t want to cause Alec any more pain - the boy was already  _ so invested  _ in wanting to make sure that he got better. So he figured it was only fair to be invested, as well. The man he loved didn’t deserve any less.

  “Okay. Fine”. 

   As he was getting up to go to the bathroom, Alec held him by his arm, a giant smile on his face - a smile for which Magnus would give up the moon and the stars in the blink of an eye. 

_ "Really?”  _ He asked, chuckling. 

_ "Yes, _ Alexander. I’ll be right back”.  

  He ran quickly towards the bathroom, grabbing one of the many bottles of pills that he kept inside a small cardboard box under the sink -  He then filled a cup with water on the kitchen and went back to the living room, where Alec was waiting for him on the edge of his seat, still chuckling with joy. 

  Magnus proceeded to sit back on the couch and open the bottle, letting one of the pills fall to his palm, and after he drank it down with the water, Alec pulled him for an intense hug. 

  "Thank you" He smiled as he kissed Magnus' cheek. "You'll thank me later, too".

  "You just  _ know  _ how to play my strings, don't you? Smartass" Magnus teased, pinching his boyfriend's cheek. Alec smirked.

  "Let's just say I'm aware of my powers and I'm not afraid to use them" He giggled, getting closer to Magnus in order to subtly touch his left wrist - which he didn't mind; it was a process till he got his boyfriend to trust him again. "I just want you to get better, and I'll do anything I can to achieve that. Seeing you happy is my number one goal, for real. I just wanna see you  _ healthy  _ and  _ glowing. _ Even if…"

  He sighed. Magnus frowned, confused.

  "Even if what?"

   The tall boy licked his lips. 

  "Even if, maybe, you look around and realize that you don't have to be stuck with me anymore, you know. Even if you open your eyes to this beautiful world and decide to pursue your greatness without me. It would hurt, but… It'd be worth it. I just need you to be happy". 

  He grinned with the corner of his mouth, but Magnus could see the insecurity in his eyes. His chest ached for Alec. 

  "Alexander… When will you understand that  _ I chose you _ and I would  _ still _ choose you a million times again?" He whispered. "Do you really think I would want to walk away from you? I mean…  _ You're everything. _ I would have to be crazy".

  He ran his fingers through his lover's messy hair.

  "I know we can't see the future. But one thing I know. It's not your  _ emotional support _ that makes me want you by my side. I mean, sure, that's part of it, but…  I love you for  _ who you are.  _ This loyal, smart, kind, brave, passionate,  _ adorable _ little soul whose mere presence brightens up my spirit like magic. You're literally  _ a dream _ come true. I mean… Need I remind you that I stood inside of a bathroom stall on a gay club for fifteen minutes for you, while Janet Jackson was playing on the dancefloor? I thought this debate was pretty much over after that!"

  Magnus' ears were blessed when the tall boy laughed in response, before they glued their lips together in a passionate kiss.

  "I love you. Sorry for being so insecure" Alec said.

 "Don't apologize for your feelings". 

  The other boy nodded.

  "And don't ever forget that I'm here for you, okay?" He reassured Magnus, grabbing his hand and putting it to his own chest. "One hundred percent. You're not alone on this journey. And you don't have to worry about me. You can rely on me for  _ anything.  _ Whatever you need, whenever you feel down… Just reach for me and I'll be there. That's my commitment. Alright?" 

  "Alright. Understood" Magnus smiled, and suddenly his eyes were wet again, the feeling of joy too great for his chest. It was unbelievable how quick things could change from darkness to light; all it took was one hour - or one Alec Lightwood. 

 

  After a couple more minutes, Magnus finally texted Dot to tell her that she and Jace could come back. As soon as the door was opened and they walked through it, the girl inquired: 

  "So… Did you guys work things out?" Her expression was severe, her hands on her waist. Jace stood next to her, looking serious, his arms crossed. Magnus hesitated. The blonde boy licked his lips.

  "Don't mind me" With a grin, he proceeded to sit on the armchair on the other side of the room, putting on his earbuds and starting to scroll through something on his phone.

  Dot looked at Magnus again, raising her eyebrows. 

  "Yes, we have" He informed her, taking a look at Alec, who touched his hand affectionately. "I'll start taking my medicine again, and I'll call Dr. Montclaire so we can restart our sessions. I also have an appointment with Dr. Whitelaw in a few days, so I'll have the opportunity to ask him to give me a new prescription, but the pills I haven't taken in these last months should last for quite some time". 

  At first, she seemed shocked, arching her eyebrows and opening her mouth. Then she chuckled, a large smile forming on her face. Magnus couldn't help but smile as well as she pulled him in for a hug.

  "You're making the right decision, Magnus" She told him, sniffing a bit. "I promise. You will get better. And we'll be here for you during the whole process. I'm so happy you're willing to take care of yourself. I love you".

  "I love you, too, dear" He said as she looked with affection at the two of them. 

  "And I love you too, Alec" She added. "I  _ knew  _ you could convince him. Thank you  _ so much _ for all that you do for my brother. You're amazing, and I'm very happy that he found you". 

  Magnus' heart was about to  _ combust  _ from all the warmth. He loved his chosen sister  _ so much. _ As Alec kissed his cheek, he said:

  "Not as happy as I am. Oh, and before I forget… I also want to let you know that I may be a little short on money due to the expenses I'll have with the therapy, the medicines and all that. But I  _ promise  _ that I will take note of all my debts, you know, rent, water, light, and I'll give it back to you  _ as soon _ as I can". 

  "Magnus!" She touched his leg. "You know I would  _ never _ charge you anything. This is your  _ health _ we're talking about! I just want you to be okay. I've already told you I don't mind having you as a guest, anyway".

  "Yes, but you know I take those things very seriously, Dorothea!" He insisted. 

   Dot sighed.

  "Whatever it's good for you. But no pressures, alright?" 

   They were in silence for a moment.

   "But since you wanna talk about  _ giving back to me..." _ She suddenly added. "You could start by returning me my Agust D shirt. Just saying".

   Magnus gasped.

  "Dot, I've already told you, you  _ gave me  _ your Agust D shirt for my birthday! It's not my fault you were too drunk to remember!" 

   "Yeah, yeah, sure" She rolled her eyes at him.

   He chuckled at Dot again, and suddenly, her expression changed to a very stiff one. 

  "There's something I have to tell you" She coughed. "There's um… Someone downstairs who would like to see you. He just decided to pass by and visit us, and… I told him to wait, because I had to make sure it was okay first". 

  Magnus frowned, confused and slightly scared. Who the hell could she be talking about? But then, in a few seconds, after staring at her expression, he was able to decipher it. His heart started beating fast in his chest. 

  "Did he really decide to show up after all this time?" He whispered, to which she nodded. 

  "Better late than never, I guess? But it's your choice to talk to him or not". 

  He sighed deeply. It had been _so_ _long_ and so much had happened in that meantime that Magnus had actually forgotten all about it. But remembering it hurt a little bit. At the end of the day, he would always have a special place in Magnus' heart. So he decided to take that chance.

  "Tell him to come in, I guess. It would be rude to leave him there". 

  "Are you sure?" She asked, to which he nodded in reassurance. 

  As she got up to leave through the door, Alec finally said something:

  "Is it Raphael?" He inquired. 

  "Yes" Magnus whispered. 

  His boyfriend raised his eyebrows.

  "Do you think you guys can finally work things out?" 

  Magnus hesitated.

  "I hope so" He answered.

  Alec nodded.

  "I hope so, too" He agreed with a kiss on Magnus' cheek. 

  In less than a minute, the door was opened again, and Dot came in with the pale brunette boy behind her; dressed as elegant as ever. He took a look at Jace by the armchair and approached the boy to greet him nervously. They shook hands, and then Raphael turned to the two boys on the couch. He smiled.

  "What a beautiful couple" He said, walking closer and sitting on the center table in front of them. "So I see you still have a thing for brunettes". 

  Magnus chuckled.

  "Well, I see you still have a thing for sitting on places you're not supposed to sit. Long time no see, huh?" 

  "Nice to finally meet you, Raphael" Alec said with a stiff face, offering his hand for him to shake. They shook hands awkwardly, and Magnus giggled:

  "Okay, this doesn't have to be awkward, boys. Alec is my boyfriend, and I love him. I love you too, Raphael, but as family. I had these strange feelings for you a few months ago, but I was just too emotionally fragile and got things confused. But that's in the past". 

  "I wasn't awkward at all"

  "I know, it's perfectly fine" 

  The two of them spoke at the same time, both sounding nervous, to which Magnus couldn't help but laugh.

  "You're both terrible liars"

   There was a moment of silence. Jace was still distracted with his cellphone. Dot just stood still, looking at them with fondness. Magnus didn't exactly know what to feel. There was a lot of things he wanted to ask. But the main thing was what came out of his mouth next:

  "Why did you cut me off? I mean, I understand, but… Why did you keep me away for so long? We were so close".

  He wasn't able to prevent the hurt from showing in his voice. Raphael licked his lips, looking upset.

  "I didn't" He said. "At least not consciously. I mean, I just assumed you needed your time and that you'd reach out again once you had sorted it out. And when you didn't, I… I just thought it was over between us". 

  Magnus chuckled, shocked and relieved at the same time.  _ 'Unbelievable',  _ he thought to himself.

  "Wow" He smirked. "Would you believe me if I told you that I was thinking under the very same reasoning?" 

  Raphael gasped, smiling as well. 

  "Well, would you look at that" He nodded as they exchanged a few more affectionates giggles. "So I guess a lot of things could've been solved through something as simple as communication, huh?" 

  "Story of my life". 

  "So tell me" He said, getting closer to them. "What have you and your handsome boyfriend been up to?" 

  They spent the next hour talking; all three of them, catching up to each of their lives, joking and sharing stories. It was funny how, in such a short time, they came to find themselves exactly where they'd left off, as if there had been no falling out between them. It felt like a giant weight had been ripped off of Magnus' soul - he was  _ so happy _ . 

  After an hour had passed, Raphael had to leave to work; they shared a tight hug, promising each other that they'd keep in touch. 

  The winter sun was almost setting, and Alec wanted to stay the night; sadly, though, Jace pondered that Maryse probably wouldn't agree to that, due to Magnus' grandfather's threat and all that - it was one thing to be there by daytime with Jace, but to spend the night at the apartment was probably a bit too risky.

  That didn't, however, mean that they couldn't spend the night together; Magnus didn't think he was comfortable enough with sleeping over at Alec's place with his parents there yet, but knowing how  _ bad  _ they missed one another and were dying to spend as much time together as they could, Jace suggested that the two of them spent the night at his apartment. 

  They spent the entire night watching movies, playing games and talking, and Magnus couldn’t even remember the last time he’d had such genuine fun. When he laid down to sleep, wrapped in his boyfriend’s arms, entranced by the touch and the perfume he’d thought he’d never get to enjoy again, he teared up a little bit. It felt like he had finally woken up from a terrible nightmare. Hoping to God that this wasn’t too good to be true, the last thing he thought before falling asleep was:

_ ‘Please let this not be a dream’. _

 

*******

  
  


**Saturday, 2 PM**

 

An entire month had passed since Magnus and Alec had gotten back together, and for the first time in forever, he felt like his life was actually moving forward. 

  To be able to live without the constant threat of his grandfather’s hate was an  _ inexplicable _ feeling; after eighteen long years, he felt as if he had finally learned how to properly  _ breathe.  _ He would be  _ forever  _ grateful to Maryse and Robert - and to Alec, naturally. 

  It wasn’t an easy process to go through - having to expose his traumas and worst experiences to a courtroom, with his grandfather’s deadly stare crossing him. But, fortunately, it didn’t take too long before the court decided that it was best the decision to force the man to stay away from his grandson. The evidences were on their side - Alec testified to how violently he had acted towards Magnus that day when he found the boy on his old home; Dot testified to witnessing his aggressiveness towards the boy multiple times; some of his grandfather’s neighbors also testified to hearing the man scream at Magnus quite frequently when they still lived together; Magnus’ psychiatrist, as well as his therapist, testified to the boy’s trauma symptoms; and, on top of all that, Magnus still had a mark on his lower back that matched to the old man’s belt buckle -not to mention that every single psychological test they put the man through pointed to the fact that he was, in fact, violent and unstable. His public defender couldn’t do anything to conceal the truth - especially not when Maryse was almost on the Annalise Keating level of commitment to her cases -, and so the court determined that he was legally obligated to always keep a distance of at least three thousand feet away from both Magnus and Alec, their homes, their school and their workplaces, and he was also forbidden to contact one of them by any means whatsoever - including phone, letters, notes, email, text, fax and/or deliveries. Finally, he was also made to pay for Magnus’ psychiatric treatment - which was definitely the cherry on top. In case he failed to fulfill the restraining order, he would be arrested and subsequently prosecuted with more severe charges. 

  The court also ordered that he started attending anger management therapy, as well as providing voluntary services on a shelter for homeless LGBTQ+ youth. As much as Magnus believed in restorative justice, he couldn’t help but be a little nervous to think of that man being around a bunch of young queer people - regardless, he just hoped that he was able to grow as a person and not ever hurt a single soul again. For the most part, the boy tried to simply not think about him anymore. 

  The first days after the jury’s verdict, Magnus had trouble feeling truly at peace; even with the restraining order in effect, he couldn’t help but have nightmares about his grandfather being crazy enough to cross it. A few days later, however, both he and Alec - as well as his parents - were finally able to breathe in relief; Raphael, who worked on a nursing home for the elderly, took Magnus by surprise by revealing that the old Bane had admitted himself into the place. Apparently, according to what Raphael had been hearing from his coworkers, he’d fallen into a state of utter remorse after some time going through therapy; knowing he could never approach his grandson again and finally aware of how bad he’d hurt the boy, he decided to live the rest of his days resigned on the rest home. 

  Magnus didn’t know how to feel about that; it was definitely hard to imagine his grandfather being genuinely sorry for the things he’d done, but at the end of the day, he was just happy to be able to sleep at peace. 

  Raphael and him were officially friends again, although not as close as they used to be; sometimes, Magnus had come to realize, life just happens, and friends grow apart with time, and that’s okay - they knew they could still count on each other for anything and they’d always be in each other’s hearts.

  Magnus was still deeply invested in his journey towards healing; the scars on his wrist were finally beginning to fade, as he hadn’t harmed himself, not even once, during the entirety of that last month. It was a process, though, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel like doing it again every now and then; as much as he had his therapist, his medication and the best boyfriend in the universe, sometimes his mind still couldn’t help but wander towards dark places. But he’d been learning to deal with it; keeping himself busy with rewarding activities was the number one thing, and as the rehearses for the summer play at school had officially started, at least he had something fun to dedicate himself to - not to mention how hard he had been studying, as his SATs were getting closer (God knows how on Earth he expected to pay for college, but he had to try). 

  Besides, when things got too dark, he had Alec; and he didn’t hide anything from his boyfriend anymore, so whenever he was feeling down, it was a genuine relief to be able to open up in all honesty with the one he loved. He had once feared that being sincere and sharing everything would cause Alec to want to get away from him; he couldn’t be more wrong. That honesty was bringing them even  _ closer _ together, which he didn’t even think was possible; and, as the seriousness of their relationship grew, so did their privileges - it was  _ a dream come true  _ to have the boy being able to spend the night at his place or go out on dates with him whenever he wanted to without having to hide from anyone. The world could finally know that he was with Alexander Lightwood, the most special boy on Earth. There was one step, however, they still hadn’t taken; Magnus still hadn’t been to Alec’s house ever since they had come out to his parents - well, he  _ had  _ been to his house, but not when Maryse and Robert were there. He was just waiting for the right moment - which would be soon, apparently; perhaps the Lightwoods didn’t want to wait any longer, because  _ they  _ had made the move to invite Magnus over for dinner on Wednesday night, so they could finally make the whole  _ joining-the-family  _ thing official or something like that. 

  Magnus was very honored and impossibly happy, of course; in fact, he could start tearing up at the thought of having something even remotely close to a family, specially the Lightwoods. But he was also  _ nervous;  _ the thought of sitting by that table to have dinner with all of them, having Maryse Lightwood’s severe expectations and Robert’s silent judgement thrown at him was  _ scary.  _ What if he wasn’t good enough for Alec in their eyes? How was he supposed to make a good impression? What did he have to do in order to not disappoint them? 

  As he sat on Dot’s couch on that Saturday afternoon, all by himself - his best friend was at her parents’ place - his head was dizzy from all these anxious thoughts. He tried watching TV, but nothing kept him focused long enough. So he picked up his phone and dialed Alec’s number.

  “Hello, sunshine” His boyfriend greeted him. “How’s your Saturday going? Do you want to go somewhere nice later when I’m done with Ragnor’s class planning?” 

  “Uh, actually…” Magnus sighed. “This is a red code”. - that was the internal language they used when Magnus wanted to signal that he was feeling close to a relapse. “I was thinking something like, you know, staying in, ordering some food, maybe rehearsing together a little bit. Or we could watch  _ Degrassi. _ I remember you saying that you wanted to check it but hadn’t had the time to yet”.

  On the other side, Alec hesitated a bit. 

  “I mean, if you can, of course” Magnus was quick to add. “I know you have important stuff to finish. I don’t want to disturb it”.

  “Hey!” Alec exclaimed.  _ "Nothing’s _ more important to me than making sure you’re okay. I can finish it tomorrow. I’ll be right over, alright? Hang in there”.

  “Are you sure?” 

_ "Yes.  _ You should go make the popcorn. I’ll get us some ice cream. See you in a minute. Love you”.

  “Okay. Love you”.

  Magnus hang up, inhaling and then exhaling, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t go immediately to the kitchen to prepare the popcorn. Instead, he went to his backpack and grabbed something that was still keeping his head busy and bothered. Picking up the card that Raphael had given to him the other day at school, he read the address of the nursing home again. 

  “Hello” He was startled away from his thoughts as the door was opened and Dot entered, quickly putting the card inside his pocket. “Got home a little sooner than expected”.

 “How was lunch?” He casually asked as she moved towards her room.

_ "Coma-inducing”  _ She groaned. “I think I need to rest a little bit. Wake me up if you need anything, okay?”

 “Um, speaking of that” He coughed, careful. “Alec’s coming over to watch some movies, but I just remembered that I left some important school stuff at the drugstore. I’ll call an Uber and try to come back as fast as I can, but in case he gets here before me, just tell him I’ll be right back, okay?” 

  “Scatterbrain” She joked at him. “Yeah, sure. Be safe”.

   When she entered her room, Magnus reached in for his pocket again and, opening the Uber app, carefully typed the address that was on the card. 

  “Your Uber is 6 minutes away”

   Grabbing his keys, he unlocked the door and left in a hurry, rushing downstairs and almost tripping. He didn’t even know what he was doing - he just felt like he  _ had to.  _

  It was time for some closure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the last magnus chapter y'all :( I'm gonna miss my son  
> honestly can you guys believe we're heading to the end?? ugh don't touch me I'm emotional  
> the next chapter it's going to be more like some sort of epilogue, so don't expect anything too long - but trust and believe that i'll work my ass off to make sure it's the perfect conclusion that this story deserves :')  
> HAPPY PRIDE SEASON to all of you gays who read this fic, with love from a very gay author <3  
> see you all at the finish line <3


End file.
